The longest, most awful post. Ashamed, hardly functioning...

[effie815]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years. We lived together for a year. I packed up all my stuff and left after months of couples therapy and one week of terrible fighting and the worst night of my life.

 

I am co-dependent, and definitely have self-esteem issues. The kicker came when my ex told me he didn't want to live with me anymore, and I freaked out. I have abandonment issues and this was my nightmare. I packed some stuff, got a hotel, and left. Ordered a POD, asked for a day to pack, and moved it all into storage.

 

During our honeymoon period, we partied and had so much fun. It felt perfect--obviously me masking all our problems with fun. I think it started to change when one of his friends (JR) told his sister and subsequently his mother that he didn't like me and I was full of ****. I can be pretty flamboyant and over the top, especially when we drank and partied. I was in shock. My trust issues hit me like bricks.

 

I cried in a back bedroom, not in front of his parents or anything. My ex couldn't take seeing me cry and he flew into a rage. He punched the floor, and broke his hand. Ever since then, our terrible cycle started.

 

I would get scared, lash out or cry, act like a child, and he would become violent. He choked me, he has thrown things at me, he put his forehead through a wall, he tried to smother me with a pillow, he grabbed me, he'd shove me into the bed while on top of me, he'd drive away and leave me places, he told me he was going to kill us in his car, etc. I have physical records of most of the bruises, cuts. One time he had sex with me when I was passed out and didn't tell me until a day later. I got sick to my stomach and said, why didn't you tell me? That makes me scared, etc. And he said, I knew you'd overreact or cry, that's why I didn't tell you and I'm telling you now. I couldn't believe it. I still now think oh, if i had been calmer he would have felt safer to trust me or share.

 

I would just cry and say I love you I love you. Etc.

 

I'd also buy him coke up to 2 times a week to party (I don't really party but I started to spiral into drinking and pretending to party with him). He was the perfect boyfriend when he was on coke or when he was happy. He was finally adventurous in bed, he was kind and fun.

 

It got really bad last month at a work convention. My ex hadn't been working, so I got him a few jobs through my company. We made up with the friend (JR) who had talked smack a year ago, and met up to party with him at the convention. The first day we partied and I drunkenly looked through my ex's phone. He was so pissed and his trust slipped. "I've never given you reason to not trust me, who do you think you are". I cried and went cold and apologized and told him I was blackout and didn't remember, but guessed it was because of my low self-confidence. We reconciled. We drank so much that day that I let slip to the friend that I was a little worried my ex would get violent that night because we'd been fighting.

 

Whoops. The friend told my ex, who left me drunk and crying with this other group of people in the middle of the night in an unknown city. He sent awful texts about leaving me, telling me I was incapable of love, and how he hated me and I was an ******* and needed to be committed. I spilled all the secrets to this friend of my ex, who called his sister, his friends, and my ex's ex to see if I was lying. Friend (JR) told me I was dead to him if I was lying, and my ex was dead to him if it was true. I thought, this is my lowest low.

 

I gathered my stuff, went to the airport, freaking out and crying hysterically. I missed my flight, my ex left for home without me. When I got another flight home, my ex hadn't known anything that happened over night after he had left me. I had to explain what I did. Everything was terrible, he was so mad and freaked, then we reconciled and tried really hard to work on things.

 

At a birthday party a few weeks later, the friend JR was there and refused to talk to us. It became apparent my ex was really upset--he seeks validation from these friends like nothing else. He started to pull away from that moment on.

 

I became a scared wreck, knowing he was going to leave or ask to break up. I became a sniveling, begging wreck, so sad and crying and drinking. He finally said he wanted to move apart, but not break up. I freaked out, thus the hotel and leaving. We had one more couples therapy, then I went back to my hotel and cried and drank more. I called a friend who was staying at our place and asked if I could talk to him, he wasn't answering, etc. I told HIM too, what was happening. UGH. And about the drugs. UGH. I feel sick about what I did. The friend said I was inappropriate and didn't want to be dragged in. I apologized and felt like absolute crap.

 

I was so effed up. I can't believe myself. I'm crying writing this now. In any case, I drove to our house, begged to talk to him. He ignored me, he demanded I leave. I kept on, kept on, kept on. I followed him around the house. I could NOT let go. I feel so bad about it. He said he had nothing left in him, no love between us.

 

He told me he hated me, I had ruined his life, and said if I didn't leave he would kill me. I just lay there and cried. He said I had ruined everything, that I was unloveable and unwanted (my triggers from childhood abuse, a narciscisstic mother, and my own crippling anxiety and self-hatred). I was so miserable all night I cried and cried. I broke glasses in the backyard, I ripped one of his yearbooks. I kicked an empty picture frame in the garage. I wanted to break everything.

 

I left in the morning and for the last 6 days have been with my mom, and driving to her place. I oscillate from crying to heavier crying. I have a therapy session with someone tomorrow, but the minutes are inching by and I can't tell how I feel.

 

He was my best friend. I'm in a city I know no one, I have no physically close friends. I'm just cripplingly upset.

 

I know I have a long road ahead to self-love, but how can I forgive myself for what I've done?

 

Did my actions cause his anger and abuse? How come he denies all his drug use and physical abuse? He said I was the "girl who cried wolf". I readily accept all my ****ty errors.

 

I can't get out of this mental spiral: Did I really cause his anger? If I had self-love from the beginning, would we be happy? Would I have ruined his life? Would he have been violent?

Edited April 29, 2013 by effie815

[ConfusedT]

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 1.5 years.

I am a codependent too, well at least I think I am. It is GOOD that you immediately left, even though you freaked out!!

 

Of course honeymoon is beautiful. Why did your trust issues bother you when another person outside of your relationship had something to say?

 

So youre crying provoked anger in him rather than compassion, that is a red flag! Violence is never OK, i am going through the same thing and it took a lot of episodes for me to realize that...

Yup, he hasnt choked me but threw anything within his reach at me.. Why have you NOT called the cops on this man if he tried to smother you???? Thats attempted murder!!!

 

I dont hear anything good about this man- partying with someone doesnt make them right for you in a relationship!!

 

God, he sounds HORRIBLE and like a really bad influence and parasite in your life- JUST LIKE MY EX!!! If you have to be on drugs to be perfect, then there are huge much deeper issues!!

.

 

He is inconsiderate and disrespectful, you know you deserve more deep down, I hope that you eventually recognize it!!

 

You also need to learn who to trust!!

 

I hope you are doing individual therapy now because you are very codependent and you deserve so much more!!

 

 

He is emotionally and physically abusive. His words and actions SHOW you he doesnt want you around and is bringing out a rage in you!! Good I am happy to see you are in therapy!

 

He wasnt your best friend, friends dont do that to each other!!

 

forgiving yourself starts with acceptance and acknowledgment. i think that you need to realize that although you had some impact in the breaking down of the relationship, he had NO RIGHT to physically or emotionally cripple you!! You have done NOTHING WRONG, no one is perfect, people screw up- but if the relationship is more bad than good, let go!!!

 

 

Did my actions cause his anger and abuse? How come he denies all his drug use and physical abuse?

He denies it because he is in denial. Your actions may have triggered him, but in no means should you have been subjected to them.

 

From reading your entire post, i see complete self-blame in the downfall in your relationship, when in reality, he destroyed the realtionship and you at the same time. You deserve more, you're worth more, so find it within yourself to FORGIVE and LOVE yourself and you will eventually see how much of a DICK he is...

[M30USA]

OP,

 

You need to realize that it's classic behavior for an abusive spouse to make YOU feel like the abusive one. My ex wife assaulted me many times, the last time with a wooden plank. Yet she wrote on her lawyer forms that SHE was the recipient of abuse from ME. For my entire marriage, I got blamed for everything. It actually started to work on me. I actually started thinking that I must be a pretty bad person to deserve such treatment, and that I was lucky she was even staying with me. It's only now after being out of that situation for over a year that I am just beginning to realize how screwed up the situation was. The best phrase I can use to describe it is "mind rape".

[effie815]

Thanks, you guys.

 

I guess, I'm excited to talk to someone tomorrow. I'm ready to feel better.

I just can't believe it all fell apart. I oscillate from thinking it's him to thinking it's all me.

 

I don't know why I didn't call the cops. Oh wait, yes I do. Because I was still scared I'd lose him, and even in the moment thought I was wrong. Once I passed out and he was mad at me, I think because he was scared?

 

I haven't been perfect...but blaming me for losing his friends when he could have texted and gone out with them? Even if I was upset, he could still have gone. I only ever put my hands on him to hug him or turn his face towards me when he was grabbing onto things or ignoring me.

 

I don't get the denial. Holy hell I've been so annoying and done not great things, but I always say when I do. I can't believe I didn't even do anything about it at the time. I feel pretty dumb, and wish I hadn't have been so accommodating.

[pteromom]

First, big kudos to you for breaking up with him. In time, you will realize the bravery that it took to do this. Good for you.

 

 

He was my best friend.

 

No - he was an abusive jerk. He loved you as long as your words and actions were in line with what he wanted. When they weren't, he was abusive and controlling and angry. He was just selfish and looked at you as his possession; an object to control and to use to meet his needs.

 

That is as far from a "best friend" as you can get.

 

I know I have a long road ahead to self-love, but how can I forgive myself for what I've done?

 

You have done nothing wrong. There is nothing to forgive yourself for.

 

[qipte] Did my actions cause his anger and abuse? How come he denies all his drug use and physical abuse? He said I was the "girl who cried wolf". I readily accept all my ****ty errors.

 

No, your actions didn't cause his anger and abuse. Someone is either capable of abusing another or they aren't. He did it simply because he saw that he COULD do it without consequence.

 

As far as his denial, it could be that he is just denying to protect himself. It could also be that he truly doesn't remember some of the physical abuse. If he has BPD or other personality disorders, lapses of memory comes with the territory.

 

I can't get out of this mental spiral: Did I really cause his anger? If I had self-love from the beginning, would we be happy? Would I have ruined his life? Would he have been violent?

 

He would have been who he is, regardless of what you'd done. As I said earlier, he was capable of being kind and loving - as long as you were in line with his desires and expectations. So sure, maybe if you'd been a good little puppy and stayed super-diligent about meeting 100% of his needs and doing exactly what he said at all times, and staying quiet unless spoken to, MAYBE he would not have become violent. MAYBE you would have been "happy"... but at what cost? Completely stuffing yourself away to become the toy of a man?

 

You can do so so so much better than this. I am glad you are going to therapy. You will go on to find a man who respects you for who you are, accepts that you are your own person, and who is always kind and loving, even when things aren't perfect. A man who will be an equal partner to you, who supports you in your dreams, and who will TRULY be your best friend - someone in your corner who wants you to be happy rather than just wanting you to make HIM happy.

[M30USA]

Thanks, you guys.

 

I guess, I'm excited to talk to someone tomorrow. I'm ready to feel better.

I just can't believe it all fell apart. I oscillate from thinking it's him to thinking it's all me.

 

I don't know why I didn't call the cops. Oh wait, yes I do. Because I was still scared I'd lose him, and even in the moment thought I was wrong. Once I passed out and he was mad at me, I think because he was scared?

 

I haven't been perfect...but blaming me for losing his friends when he could have texted and gone out with them? Even if I was upset, he could still have gone. I only ever put my hands on him to hug him or turn his face towards me when he was grabbing onto things or ignoring me.

 

I don't get the denial. Holy hell I've been so annoying and done not great things, but I always say when I do. I can't believe I didn't even do anything about it at the time. I feel pretty dumb, and wish I hadn't have been so accommodating.

 

Have you ever gotten physically violent with him, either initiating or in response to his violence?

 

Have you ever had a sexual affair?

 

Have you ever destroyed any of his property?

[effie815]

I have never physically attacked or reacted to his violence except for crying.

*and, he said I drove him to react because I would say "why why" and wouldn't stop crying or leave him alone.

I made an effort to try to diffuse situations when I could, but when I was kicked out or ignored, my panic mode would come in and I'd cry or keep saying his name. (I know this is my issue about abandonment to work on)

 

I've slammed doors as I've stormed off.

 

I never had an affair.

 

When I left last week, without seeing him, I tore a page out of his yearbook, kicked over a stack of books, pushed books over, kicked his bike which broke an empty picture frame. And I'm sick to my stomach about it.

Edited April 29, 2013 by effie815

[HonestNeurotic]

Do. Not. Go. Back. Ever. It gets WORSE. And you never know when it's coming. There never is a reason. Please stay strong and do whatever you have to do to never ever ever look back.

 

And watch out for people in life that are only cool when they're doing drugs. Need to be able to deal with the real world and have a good time sober as well as when one parties. If they can't, then there are probably some addiction issues.

 

Hugs for you and be safe.

[whichwayisup]

Is it possible for you to go back home? You need your family and friends right now.

 

You did nothing wrong. Your ex is an abuser and an a-hole! You did not cause that nor did you cause his explosive anger and reaction. He's the wrong guy for you! A man that truly loves you will make sure you feel loved and secure and will show you not only in words but in actions how much he cares.

 

I'm glad that you are no longer with him. Don't feel bad about your 'exit'. It's kind of funny actually.. (If you don't mind me saying so!)

 

You're a strong woman and you will get through this. Counseling can help and of course being around people who know you and have your back.

[dreamingoftigers]

the first time a guy freaks when you cry.... leave.

 

How do I know? My husband is like that. I cry, he rages. And it is MESSED UP.

 

Now, (thanks to the Wellbutrin I'm on) I have snapped back and he now sees "oh hey, you're upset."

 

When a guy hits all of those abandonment triggers and you are sobbing on the floor and he's being a JERK.... LEAVE.

 

It's a LIFE SENTENCE otherwise.

[effie815]

Is it possible for you to go back home? You need your family and friends right now.

 

You did nothing wrong. Your ex is an abuser and an a-hole! You did not cause that nor did you cause his explosive anger and reaction. He's the wrong guy for you! A man that truly loves you will make sure you feel loved and secure and will show you not only in words but in actions how much he cares.

 

I'm glad that you are no longer with him. Don't feel bad about your 'exit'. It's kind of funny actually.. (If you don't mind me saying so!)

 

You're a strong woman and you will get through this. Counseling can help and of course being around people who know you and have your back.

 

I drove to my mom's place, and am with them. I've joined some meetups in this new area because I don't have any friends here.

 

The issue is I'm staying with my mom and she is very difficult and tough and a trigger for me as well.

 

My counseling is today, so I'll go do that and see what's what.

 

I'm on anti-anxiety meds, and that helped my ex and I for about two weeks, then it was back to the same patterns.

 

This morning is really hard. I miss him and still feel ****ty about myself. Here's to someone to talk to today!

[effie815]

Oh, and when he asked me to leave, he said he had no self-confidence and wasn't happy and trying to be with me had ruined his life. I know he's telling the truth, he does feel that way. I just feel like I had put up with so much and changed my whole life for him, and it was hard to see how he felt that way too. We both just sort of knew it was not going to work. I just held on harder in the end and I almost couldn't deal with it. I never left even when he was violent. So I guess it does feel like my fault to me.

 

We both had self-confidence issues and we dealt with them in different ways. I just feel badly for what I've done to hurt him and ruin his life with his friends and such. And letting it get so out of control. I feel hated, and truly feel pretty evil, and all our fears turned into self-fulfilling prophecies. I just want to reach out and apologize and tell him I know I did everything wrong. In fact I did the day after I left. Otherwise it's been NC. He's not completely bad, and that's what I can't wrap my head around.

 

I feel like a succubus right now, as I know I contributed to our relationship problems. I'm wondering if I have Histrionic Personality Disorder, as well. Can I get better? Am I a sociopath as well? Jeez, I feel insane.

 

Does that sickening regret ever go away?

Edited April 30, 2013 by effie815
grammar and another thought

[M30USA]

Oh, and when he asked me to leave, he said he had no self-confidence and wasn't happy and trying to be with me had ruined his life. I know he's telling the truth, he does feel that way. I just feel like I had put up with so much and changed my whole life for him, and it was hard to see how he felt that way too. We both just sort of knew it was not going to work. I just held on harder in the end and I almost couldn't deal with it. I never left even when he was violent. So I guess it does feel like my fault to me.

 

We both had self-confidence issues and we dealt with them in different ways. I just feel badly for what I've done to hurt him and ruin his life with his friends and such. And letting it get so out of control. I feel hated, and truly feel pretty evil, and all our fears turned into self-fulfilling prophecies. I just want to reach out and apologize and tell him I know I did everything wrong. In fact I did the day after I left. Otherwise it's been NC. He's not completely bad, and that's what I can't wrap my head around.

 

I feel like a succubus right now, as I know I contributed to our relationship problems. I'm wondering if I have Histrionic Personality Disorder, as well. Can I get better? Am I a sociopath as well? Jeez, I feel insane.

 

Does that sickening regret ever go away?

 

I've heard it said that when you divorce or separate it's like breaking your hip. You learn to walk with a limp. But you can still walk.

 

Effie,

 

What kind of future partner/spouse do you envision? What traits that your ex lacked are necessary for a future relationship to work?

 

My ex required a person who always said yes, always did what she said, never opposed any of her ideas, and was okay with it. I guess there ARE men out there like that. She will find one, I'm sure.

[effie815]

I saw my therapist and I feel so much more levelled. I chose to see her twice a week for awhile, because my self confidence is so low and I am not in touch with my true self. I don't even know my true self.

 

I feel much better and got some help with how to be more rational. "I contributed to this situation, but it's not all my fault."

 

I'm a bit excited for the future, but I am also nervous because I don't think I truly ever have known my inside self.

 

I am not dating or drinking for the forseeable future.

 

M30USA, In response to the ideal spouse question, I'm not even sure. I'm so out of touch with me inside that I can't even say anything about that yet, I don't think.

[todreaminblue]

hey,

 

I feel for you , you are doing the best thing by seekign therapy.....it is hard to think when abuse comes an integral part of your life...alcohol...drugs.....equals abuse.......

 

 

there was this one time my ex was drinking...rum......i should have known i would turn bad........he had black outs on rum...normally because he drank the whole bottle always overproof.....

 

we were at a friends of mine.......a couple they had a baby and there were friends of hers...there who had a child .....anyway my ex was holding this child on his lap..........i was the only one not drinking....not a fan of alcohol......anyway he was holding the child too tight.......he is a big guy .....extremely strong...was a bouncer....and the child was distressed...no one would say anything to him though ...too scared so i did.........

 

 

he got quiet....he let the child go to me........ and then he walked out.......me wanting to see if he was ok stupidly went home to find him...........i got the worse beating of my life......and i have had some doozies.......he was in a black out....didnt remember a thing.........the next morning........the only way i coudl keep conscious.....while on the ground was to count the hits, kicks whatever they were i wasnt exactly watching......i do remember he stomped my head.......with docs.......but i had manouvered my head into a corner so damage wasnt that bad..i got more damaged when i kept trying to stand up.....electric shock therapy couldnt even take these memories away...never will...therapy is not a cure all..........it is required but a lot of the work you will do is....just you and acceptance.......the absence of alcohol and drugs in your life so you can heal is imperative.......do not drink to forget ...you just wont

 

 

most of the really violent things have happened to me have been in the presence of people who were not themselves...i am friends with that guy who beat the living hell out of me.,........he was not him.......he couldnt even look at me the next day...he was horrified.......he actually cried....couldnt believe he had done it.....and i know it wasnt him who beat me up that night......he was an animal.....there was nothing in those eyes when i first approached him...the alcohol killed any compassion......any love....killed everything but rage....and coldness.....i know the look....and that si what happens.......alcohol drugs....you arent you anymore........you are somethign else...and it isnt pretty ...some people can say they can handle it....i dont know anyone who drinks hasnt had some form of regret from having a binge

 

 

i wish you well, i wish you happiness, and you will find it on your own........look after yourself...no one else will,bar you....therapy can guide...but it doesnt do the work.....you do that.....and helping others with what you have beee through is also therapy.turns horrible situations into a tool.....eye openers..you see......it doesnt just happen to me and i can get through it ....and you will......best wishes....deb

[BetheButterfly]

the first time a guy freaks when you cry.... leave.

 

How do I know? My husband is like that. I cry, he rages. And it is MESSED UP.

 

Now, (thanks to the Wellbutrin I'm on) I have snapped back and he now sees "oh hey, you're upset."

 

When a guy hits all of those abandonment triggers and you are sobbing on the floor and he's being a JERK.... LEAVE.

 

It's a LIFE SENTENCE otherwise.

 

Amen

 

OP,

 

A husband or boyfriend should protect you and talk with you and comfort you when you are sad and crying, not fly into a rage with you.

 

Please don't ever go back to this guy who doesn't know how to truly love you. It's not your fault that he was like this. You can't force a person to love you and comfort you; it has to come from his or her heart.

[BetheButterfly]

hey,

 

I feel for you , you are doing the best thing by seekign therapy.....it is hard to think when abuse comes an integral part of your life...alcohol...drugs.....equals abuse.......

 

 

there was this one time my ex was drinking...rum......i should have known i would turn bad........he had black outs on rum...normally because he drank the whole bottle always overproof.....

 

we were at a friends of mine.......a couple they had a baby and there were friends of hers...there who had a child .....anyway my ex was holding this child on his lap..........i was the only one not drinking....not a fan of alcohol......anyway he was holding the child too tight.......he is a big guy .....extremely strong...was a bouncer....and the child was distressed...no one would say anything to him though ...too scared so i did.........

 

 

he got quiet....he let the child go to me........ and then he walked out.......me wanting to see if he was ok stupidly went home to find him...........i got the worse beating of my life......and i have had some doozies.......he was in a black out....didnt remember a thing.........the next morning........the only way i coudl keep conscious.....while on the ground was to count the hits, kicks whatever they were i wasnt exactly watching......i do remember he stomped my head.......with docs.......but i had manouvered my head into a corner so damage wasnt that bad..i got more damaged when i kept trying to stand up.....electric shock therapy couldnt even take these memories away...never will...therapy is not a cure all..........it is required but a lot of the work you will do is....just you and acceptance.......the absence of alcohol and drugs in your life so you can heal is imperative.......do not drink to forget ...you just wont

 

 

most of the really violent things have happened to me have been in the presence of people who were not themselves...i am friends with that guy who beat the living hell out of me.,........he was not him.......he couldnt even look at me the next day...he was horrified.......he actually cried....couldnt believe he had done it.....and i know it wasnt him who beat me up that night......he was an animal.....there was nothing in those eyes when i first approached him...the alcohol killed any compassion......any love....killed everything but rage....and coldness.....i know the look....and that si what happens.......alcohol drugs....you arent you anymore........you are somethign else...and it isnt pretty ...some people can say they can handle it....i dont know anyone who drinks hasnt had some form of regret from having a binge

 

there are no words to express my sadness

 

i wish you well, i wish you happiness, and you will find it on your own........look after yourself...no one else will,bar you....therapy can guide...but it doesnt do the work.....you do that.....and helping others with what you have beee through is also therapy.turns horrible situations into a tool.....eye openers..you see......it doesnt just happen to me and i can get through it ....and you will......best wishes....deb

 

Beautiful

 

OP, I wish you happiness and healing too.

[effie815]

Thank you sincerely to all who replied.

 

I guess the thing that's hurting my heart a lot right now is that his friends are probably happy I am gone. He probably said I lied. They probably would only believe him.

 

I looked back to the first instance of physical abuse and it was late May, early June 2012. In my emails and chats, the cycle of abuse is so painfully there it hurts to read them. He threatens to kill himself when I'm upset, he says I say everything's his fault (when I clearly don't) and he raged at me verbally AND in emails when I told him it made me uncomfortable when he had sex with me when I was passed out.

 

I'm trying to put my feelings towards myself and my needs, but it's hard not to be sad and crushed and upset that his social and his life's world is intact and everyone probably hates me, accepts him, and that he probably will deny everything or say I lied, like he has in the past.

 

Has anyone felt this?

[M30USA]

Thank you sincerely to all who replied.

 

I guess the thing that's hurting my heart a lot right now is that his friends are probably happy I am gone. He probably said I lied. They probably would only believe him.

 

I looked back to the first instance of physical abuse and it was late May, early June 2012. In my emails and chats, the cycle of abuse is so painfully there it hurts to read them. He threatens to kill himself when I'm upset, he says I say everything's his fault (when I clearly don't) and he raged at me verbally AND in emails when I told him it made me uncomfortable when he had sex with me when I was passed out.

 

I'm trying to put my feelings towards myself and my needs, but it's hard not to be sad and crushed and upset that his social and his life's world is intact and everyone probably hates me, accepts him, and that he probably will deny everything or say I lied, like he has in the past.

 

Has anyone felt this?

 

I know very well what it's like to be on the receiving end of maliciously false allegations. My ex accused me of child abuse over the course of 3 judges, a child counsellor, and 2 CPS calls. All of them without exception dismissed her claims and CPS officially ruled me out. Yet it won't stop her from continuing to spread lies about me to her family and friends.

 

I was additionally accused of being a "disconnected dad" in court by her mother, even though I regularly changed diapers, bathed them, fed them, and they mean the world to me.

 

How do I deal with this?

 

I just accept and make peace with the following:

1) They WILL say false things about me.

2) Her friends and family WILL believe these things.

3) There is NOTHING I can do about this.

 

Honestly, just saying those things to myself is a big help.

[effie815]

Thank you.

I guess it is the process to accept that they will believe him.

 

It's so hard when you have tried so hard.

 

But at least I'm completely removed. Thank you for your advice. I'll keep saying these things to myself.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you.

I guess it is the process to accept that they will believe him.

 

It's so hard when you have tried so hard.

 

But at least I'm completely removed. Thank you for your advice. I'll keep saying these things to myself.

 

And really, they will probably see in time.

 

You won't be the only one he abuses.

[pureinheart]

 

Did my actions cause his anger and abuse? How come he denies all his drug use and physical abuse? He said I was the "girl who cried wolf". I readily accept all my ****ty errors.

 

I can't get out of this mental spiral: Did I really cause his anger? If I had self-love from the beginning, would we be happy? Would I have ruined his life? Would he have been violent?

 

NOOOOO....he is responsible for his actions love.

 

OP,

 

You need to realize that it's classic behavior for an abusive spouse to make YOU feel like the abusive one. My ex wife assaulted me many times, the last time with a wooden plank. Yet she wrote on her lawyer forms that SHE was the recipient of abuse from ME. For my entire marriage, I got blamed for everything. It actually started to work on me. I actually started thinking that I must be a pretty bad person to deserve such treatment, and that I was lucky she was even staying with me. It's only now after being out of that situation for over a year that I am just beginning to realize how screwed up the situation was. The best phrase I can use to describe it is "mind rape".

 

the first time a guy freaks when you cry.... leave.

 

How do I know? My husband is like that. I cry, he rages. And it is MESSED UP.

 

Now, (thanks to the Wellbutrin I'm on) I have snapped back and he now sees "oh hey, you're upset."

 

When a guy hits all of those abandonment triggers and you are sobbing on the floor and he's being a JERK.... LEAVE.

 

It's a LIFE SENTENCE otherwise.

 

Your posts hit straight to the core.

 

DOT- yours in particular. I became enraged last night when reading this and decided to give it a day before responding. OP- take heed to what other posters are saying and myself.

 

The last relationship I was in was abusive. Very abusive and disfunctional. One time bf and I were headed for a bike run. On the way there he hit a rather large hole in the road- being on the back of the bike, I took most of the impact. I flew up in the air and slammed back down on the seat taking my breath away. Let's just say it injured me bigtime- everything hurt at that point.

 

He could have cared less about me- I communicated the condition and his main issue was missing the bike run. It got so bad that I called my daughter and husband to come and pick me up- he was cold and abusive. Then his attentions turned, realising I was really hurt to fear of me possibly bringing forth a lawsuit...I don't know this for fact, but it falls line with his thinking at that time.

 

Another, of many incidents, we went on a really long run- it was in the middle of summer and when we reached one of the stops I was in the process of a heat stroke, a severe one. He wanted to keep up with the rest of the bikers so would not stop. If it weren't for one of the other bikers who was familiar with heat stroke I can't say what would have happened...the other people were compassionate, but not him, one bit. I should have gone to the hospital, but don't like hospitals and will doctor myself.

 

In both cases "I" ruined his day.

 

M30- Everything was my fault. The relationship had me questioning my own sanity. He would twist my words into something that became unrecognisable...my brain and everything about was twisted into a pretzel. I had no identity of my own and had wrapped my life completely around his wants, desires, everything.

 

I allowed this because I didn't know how to break free. Was it all his fault? No. He lacks the ability to connect with people on deep levels.. Was he some sort of monster---lol, at that time it felt like he was, but I now realise I was simply collateral damage and was in way over my head not understanding many things.

 

OP- with his cocaine use, there might be a "psycosis" going on here...this can happen with legal and street drugs. My suggestion would be to do some indepth research on psycosis, it will answer many questions.

 

M30- more truth will be revealed to you, I think you are in a good place, although it could take more time to uncover the entire truth...it's taken me 4 years to come out of this and I'm out, but still seeing more and more truth everyday.

 

It does take time though OP, please donot expect to be completely healed immediately considering the amount of abuse you have experienced- there will be ups and downs, and times when you'll be drawn towards more abuse...it's simply the nature of this very large beast.

 

My thoughts and prayers are with you all:)

Edited May 8, 2013 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

Thank you sincerely to all who replied.

 

I guess the thing that's hurting my heart a lot right now is that his friends are probably happy I am gone. He probably said I lied. They probably would only believe him.

 

I looked back to the first instance of physical abuse and it was late May, early June 2012. In my emails and chats, the cycle of abuse is so painfully there it hurts to read them. He threatens to kill himself when I'm upset, he says I say everything's his fault (when I clearly don't) and he raged at me verbally AND in emails when I told him it made me uncomfortable when he had sex with me when I was passed out.

 

I'm trying to put my feelings towards myself and my needs, but it's hard not to be sad and crushed and upset that his social and his life's world is intact and everyone probably hates me, accepts him, and that he probably will deny everything or say I lied, like he has in the past.

 

Has anyone felt this?

 

He's a master at manipulation. His friends are most likely like him. Try not to let this hurt you, it's best to break ties with all of them IMO.

 

I know very well what it's like to be on the receiving end of maliciously false allegations. My ex accused me of child abuse over the course of 3 judges, a child counsellor, and 2 CPS calls. All of them without exception dismissed her claims and CPS officially ruled me out. Yet it won't stop her from continuing to spread lies about me to her family and friends.

 

I was additionally accused of being a "disconnected dad" in court by her mother, even though I regularly changed diapers, bathed them, fed them, and they mean the world to me.

 

How do I deal with this?

 

I just accept and make peace with the following:

1) They WILL say false things about me.

2) Her friends and family WILL believe these things.

3) There is NOTHING I can do about this.

 

Honestly, just saying those things to myself is a big help.

 

My first two marriages had to save face with family and friends- I was the bad guy. I didn't care. Didn't then and don't now.

 

Both of them went to my family, mainly my mother to "inform" her/them of my evils.

 

How did I deal with it- broke ties where it was possible and went on with my life not giving any of them a second thought. If they didn't know me and could be so easily swayed, then they were never my friends to begin with. Concerning family- well they could all kiss my backside:D

 

When both of them were in the process of their "evils" I never spoke a word to malign them nor their character. I felt it was noone elses business- even during the break up I said very little. I knew the truth.

 

M30, bringing the state into the situation is completely unacceptable in my book. I have a friend going through this right now concerning child custody...it's a joke what this individual is doing to try to malign my friend. He is a good father and she is a drama queen to the max- screw her. I have no respect for someone who calls in authorities without probable cause. In my family this is the biggest crime one can commit- also with my long time friends from the past. One DOESNOT bring in agencies such as these based on revenge.

 

NOTHING pisses these agencies off more than to find their resources are being used for revenge, I add LE in on this too.

 

My ex's didn't even cross that line for Gods sake!

Edited May 8, 2013 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

And really, they will probably see in time.

 

You won't be the only one he abuses.

 

Oh boy, tell the truth gf.

 

I used to get these notions that he/them would be out there treating another the proper way :lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Why was my thinking like this...because I thought "I" was the problem concerning the relationship. Oh ya, I had a problem alright, it was my thinking. Romantising something that was never romantic to begin with. They want you to fear you'll miss out on something, that's why they hold back IMO and experience.

[M30USA]

Oh boy, tell the truth gf.

 

I used to get these notions that he/them would be out there treating another the proper way :lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

Why was my thinking like this...because I thought "I" was the problem concerning the relationship. Oh ya, I had a problem alright, it was my thinking. Romantising something that was never romantic to begin with. They want you to fear you'll miss out on something, that's why they hold back IMO and experience.

 

There IS the possibility, in all honesty, that their next spouse will receive LESS abuse simply due to the fact that he/she may walk on eggshells and submit to their demands and control more. This is very possible. But this will only keep it from spilling over the brim to the point of it being illegal. It will never make a healthy, whole relationship.