The longest, most awful post. Ashamed, hardly functioning...

[pureinheart]

There IS the possibility, in all honesty, that their next spouse will receive LESS abuse simply due to the fact that he/she may walk on eggshells and submit to their demands and control more. This is very possible. But this will only keep it from spilling over the brim to the point of it being illegal. It will never make a healthy, whole relationship.

 

No lie M30- Or they will find one more manipulative than them. This did happen with my second ex- it was completely the relationship from hell, and like you pointed out- "illegal", well he spent 4 mo in county jail.

 

Another found one that within a month began to access his bank accounts, stealing over 50K over a 6 or 7 mo period- sounds weird that he wouldn't notice, but he had many accounts...she knew what one to hit.

 

Yet another, left me for someone else and she tried to get him thrown in jail for physical abuse. I know for a fact that didn't happen, he was scared to death of jail and her ex told me she was quite physically abusive, I believe he was defending himself (like yours M30 and not inferrng you were abusive back, I'm sure they were, but not physically).

 

Just as a side note- I take/took no delight in what happened to any of them, and in fact was willing to testify in a court of law for all of them, and was priddy angry concerning what had happened to them- truth is truth IMO, I knew who they were and their areas of abuse.

Edited May 8, 2013 by pureinheart

[pureinheart]

Thank you.

I guess it is the process to accept that they will believe him.

 

It's so hard when you have tried so hard.

 

But at least I'm completely removed. Thank you for your advice. I'll keep saying these things to myself.

 

It is, BUT, YOU did the right thing- you tried. Though it's not much consolation for a failed relationship, which in some cases can be the hardest to accept, you in time will be sent the right person and will not have to "try" so hard.

 

I'm hearing from some wise people as of late, that relationships, while they take "work", shouldn't be so "hard". Man do I know where you're coming from...in most of them I tried so hard, then gave up- to the point of communicating that I'd be gone soon if things continue in the destructive direction. None of them believed me.

 

I'll take so much, and try to work things out, but there has always come that time when I'm really gone, and thus far, have not looked back- in the sense of healing I've looked back, but never have gone back once that turning point has hit.

 

Effy (spelling it that way on purpose...just one of my many quirks...lol)...I so hate to see cool people like you go through so much- AND, ya gotta love this one: WE are the ones in therapy!!!!!! Not that we don't need it...but (oh man I want to throw something) what's up with this???? Oh my blood boils when I think of the crackheads running around messing with others hearts and minds....

 

When M30 was on the brink of divorce and began to open up on LS..well I'm just glad I didn't know his wife (now ex) personally. He was questioning himself an I KNEW HE wasn't the problem. I held back my cocky nature greatly in the posts on his threads, although it can be so hard at times to keep my mouth shut.

 

I had an idea that she was physically abusive. I can't stand chicks going off on guys- some do it because they know the can- I mean what is a guy supposed to do?????? THAT really messes with a guys mind. My son was married to a chick like that, and you can about guess that homechick wanted to go off on HER.

 

I grew up with bikers that if a chick went off on them, they better be able to back their play.

 

Sorry Effy, I'll stop the rant now- anyway, you're good people, so keep up the good work love!

[effie815]

In addition to twice a week therapy, I just had my intake with a domestic violence shelter, and I'll do group therapy once a week in addition to those.

 

I'm so sad still today. It's raining and hard. I saw on a photosharing app that two weeks ago when I moved out he just took his dog to the dog-park with his friends. Prob thinking i'm crazy and a bitch and psycho. All of them.

 

I know I just miss the IDEA of him but....I'm trying to write down all the times I got scared. It's a year of it. But also...I can't believe he doesn't want to talk to me. The domestic violence counselor said it's also prob because he wants to "win" in his mind and also that "he wouldn't tell me he missed me".

 

I know it's better....but I can't believe the person I loved so hard and went through so much to be with could just do that to me.

 

I have a long way to go to feel ok. And it's so scary.

 

*Also, my friend from 6 years ago, who has been dating a good friend of my abusive ex, has been sort of there for me through this. But now that I'm gone, she doesn't call me back and says she'll call and doesn't.

Should I just cut her out too? This is such a mess. And all my counselors want to me move out because my mother is emotionally and mentally abusive. I don't even know....anymore.

Edited May 9, 2013 by effie815

[M30USA]

In addition to twice a week therapy, I just had my intake with a domestic violence shelter, and I'll do group therapy once a week in addition to those.

 

I'm so sad still today. It's raining and hard. I saw on a photosharing app that two weeks ago when I moved out he just took his dog to the dog-park with his friends. Prob thinking i'm crazy and a bitch and psycho. All of them.

 

I know I just miss the IDEA of him but....I'm trying to write down all the times I got scared. It's a year of it. But also...I can't believe he doesn't want to talk to me. The domestic violence counselor said it's also prob because he wants to "win" in his mind and also that "he wouldn't tell me he missed me".

 

I know it's better....but I can't believe the person I loved so hard and went through so much to be with could just do that to me.

 

I have a long way to go to feel ok. And it's so scary.

 

*Also, my friend from 6 years ago, who has been dating a good friend of my abusive ex, has been sort of there for me through this. But now that I'm gone, she doesn't call me back and says she'll call and doesn't.

Should I just cut her out too? This is such a mess. And all my counselors want to me move out because my mother is emotionally and mentally abusive. I don't even know....anymore.

 

I made the decision to cut out my ex's parents. I realized they were both playing right into her abuse by the way they raised her and the bullying tendencies they instilled in her. They tried to cover her abuse, defend her in court, and clearly not having my best interest in mind. It's a tough decision but once I realized her and her parents acted as a single unit, I was done.

[effie815]

The quandry is....and I should have written this more clearly:

 

All my counselors want to me move out of my temporary housing with MY mother because my mother is emotionally and mentally abusive. I don't even know anymore.

 

I don't have family outside her, really. She is a worse effect on me than my absentee father.

 

Do I just buckle down for two months, get my GRE, try to find a grad school? IDK. I'm scared.

[imtooconfused]

I can't believe he doesn't want to talk to me. The domestic violence counselor said it's also prob because he wants to "win" in his mind and also that "he wouldn't tell me he missed me".

 

I know it's better....but I can't believe the person I loved so hard and went through so much to be with could just do that to me.

 

I think others have pointed out earlier on this thread that for your ex, it's all about control. When you got emotional and was losing control of yourself, he would fly into a rage because there was no way he could control you if you had no control of yourself. Now with you out of his sphere of influence, he has lost all control and has lost interest in any communication. You have rebelled against his power, so as a result he considers you a persona-non-grata, a nobody, a non-being.

 

You did not cause this to happen. The appropriate behavior would have been for him to accept responsibility and seek to change, but instead he deflects responsibility and lays blame. As hard as this may seem to you now, you should really feel fortunate that he has chosen to break contact with you rather than to increase the manipulation and abuse.

 

You are on a good path. That path may be rocky, rough and most importantly, extremely unclear. But for the most part, you are getting good advice. Especially with respect to staying as far away from your ex as possible.

[dreamingoftigers]

My father is like this to every person in his life. If he can't control you on every front, you are a non-entity.

 

There is a constant revolving door of people that he "impresses and befriends" followed by "rejecting and ignoring completely." It is NEVER his fault and there is always a "severe, lacking character flaw" in every single person this happens to. No matter who stopped talking to who.

 

Honestly, it was very very unfixable without intensive therapy. Not even talk therapy, but therapy to deal with inner trauma AND going to a world-renowned brain clinic. He's improved overall in his interactions BUT still treats me as a non-entity. I have won five scholarships in the last year from my school. He has not attended either awards ceremony. I doubt he ever will. He didn't want to attend my wedding. He literally says NOTHING to my husband at family events. Like, not even, "oh hi" or "see ya."

 

However, on the bright side he isn't coming to my door loaded demanding to see my daughter and calling the police on us when we won't let him in.

 

(they just told him to go home)

 

I think others have pointed out earlier on this thread that for your ex, it's all about control. When you got emotional and was losing control of yourself, he would fly into a rage because there was no way he could control you if you had no control of yourself. Now with you out of his sphere of influence, he has lost all control and has lost interest in any communication. You have rebelled against his power, so as a result he considers you a persona-non-grata, a nobody, a non-being.

 

You did not cause this to happen. The appropriate behavior would have been for him to accept responsibility and seek to change, but instead he deflects responsibility and lays blame. As hard as this may seem to you now, you should really feel fortunate that he has chosen to break contact with you rather than to increase the manipulation and abuse.

 

You are on a good path. That path may be rocky, rough and most importantly, extremely unclear. But for the most part, you are getting good advice. Especially with respect to staying as far away from your ex as possible.

[effie815]

Hey guys, it's been a wild few months.

 

No contact with the ex, but I moved out of my mom's studio, to another state with friends, then back to my mom's boyfriend's house in NM, and am about to start a week FULL TIME therapy course.

 

For alcohol, domestic violence shadows, self-confidence, etc. My work ends June 30th, so this will be a full-time self-rehab for part of July.

 

I decided to do it for me, and found a program that seems to fit well with me. It's in the city where I lived with my ex, however, and just visiting there this week was very hard.

 

Here is where I'd love some honest input.

I put together a packet of the times he admitted to hurting me, milestones in the abuse, and almost all of the bruise, cuts, and hand xrays pics. I submitted them to a detective.

 

He is waiting to give me some time to decide if I want to end it there or have my ex in for questioning.

 

My mother staunchly refuses to support me if I do. She is afraid I'll look vindictive and thus I am worried I will too. Lots of friends have said, this is the state vs. ex, and the burden of proof is not mine, and etc.

 

I'm scared but I want some validation. Because he's a choker, denies it, and what with the drug use and the sincere refusal to admit he ever even touched me, it's getting SO painful and almost unbearable to not validate the relationship as it was.

 

Any thoughts?

[swimswithjeans]

I have read this whole thread and what you went through was really horrible... I am sorry for that; for all the pain and abuse and hard times you went through.

 

I think you're doing a great job trying to take care of yourself and go to this therapy and spend part of July to better you. Applause on keeping up with the NC.

 

Ultimately, no one here can tell you what to do.

 

But, I can speak from previous experience. I have been in a similar situation, though it had much less of a duration and severity. What I will say is that I, personally, chose to not take the route of any legal action. To me, I had gone through enough pain and hurt, and going through it, was not the best option for me mentally, emotionally or financially.

 

Follow your heart- really, you need to do what's REALLY best for you.

 

If you feel it will really GIVE you something to go through with this- then I think you should. However don't mistake closure with revenge; I know he hurt you a lot and it's only natural you would want to hurt him right back... But I think it's worth thinking about if it will set you back or bring you forward.

 

Sending you good thoughts.

[effie815]

But, I can speak from previous experience. I have been in a similar situation, though it had much less of a duration and severity. What I will say is that I, personally, chose to not take the route of any legal action. To me, I had gone through enough pain and hurt, and going through it, was not the best option for me mentally, emotionally or financially.

 

Follow your heart- really, you need to do what's REALLY best for you.

 

If you feel it will really GIVE you something to go through with this- then I think you should. However don't mistake closure with revenge; I know he hurt you a lot and it's only natural you would want to hurt him right back... But I think it's worth thinking about if it will set you back or bring you forward.

 

Sending you good thoughts.

 

I've spoken with women who have pursued action, and also a few lawyer friends, etc. If it's the state vs. my ex, I'm confused and no one seems to be able to answer why I'd need a lawyer, when I would, etc.

 

I have a few scars, am now paying an exorbitant amount to do this intensive program, and I still don't want revenge. If he had left it with me saying, "I can't do this, I hurt you, etc." like he admitted in emails throughout the year, I might be able to more easily focus on just me.

 

But he truly is in denial, and the last week, he was a different person. Like, a complete stranger mentally. The things he said and did were so cruel and pathological, half of me says it's a civic duty to do something active about it, and the other half is scared of being hated (even more by him) and the unknown about how it would affect my life and just the simple logistics of what would happen.

 

I have no idea what's right for me. It's consuming my thoughts, tons.

Edited June 26, 2013 by effie815

[imtooconfused]

He is waiting to give me some time to decide if I want to end it there or have my ex in for questioning.

 

My mother staunchly refuses to support me if I do. She is afraid I'll look vindictive and thus I am worried I will too. Lots of friends have said, this is the state vs. ex, and the burden of proof is not mine, and etc.

 

If it really is state vs. ex, I don't understand why they are asking for your approval to proceed. Does the detective feel there is enough evidence to prosecute? Can you ask a prosecutor the same question? Do they need your testimony at trial? The worst thing for you and the prosecutor is for them to haul the ex into court and lose. Most importantly, I know you are afraid for yourself, but if you have no involvement in taking the ex to court, you cannot be held responsible. Push that decision back on the detective if you can.

 

But he truly is in denial, and the last week, he was a different person. Like, a complete stranger mentally. The things he said and did were so cruel and pathological, half of me says it's a civic duty to do something active about it, and the other half is scared of being hated (even more by him) and the unknown about how it would affect my life and just the simple logistics of what would happen.

 

You should share this information with the detective "off the record" so that they can better decide whether this person needs to be punished.

[effie815]

To add, a friend asked me:

What if someone stole your car? Would you tell police to question them?

 

What if the person who had sex with you when you were passed out wasn't your BF but a stranger? Would you tell police to question them?

 

What if someone choked you at a friend's house, and it wasn't your BF? Would you ask the police to question them?

 

These, including what happened to you, are crimes.

 

This throws me from just moving on to thinking about it seriously.

What do you all think? Relevant line of thinking? Obviously still working on my boundaries here.

[pteromom]

Firstly - YAY for helping yourself. I am proud of you for moving forward and growing.

 

I can see why you are so torn about whether to seek charges or not. On one hand, he is an abuser and you don't want to see this happen to the next girl and you want him to do time for his crimes. On the other hand, there is something to be said for disappearing off his radar completely, since he sounds like someone capable of extreme violence.

 

So I don't know. I would say to weigh everything you know about him and go with your gut. I am sorry I don't have any wisdom to share.

 

But I am still proud of you.

[imtooconfused]

What if someone choked you at a friend's house, and it wasn't your BF? Would you ask the police to question them?

 

What if that person who choked you knew everything about you, where you live, work, hang out, threatened you repeatedly prior to and after the incident. Threat of retaliation would be my biggest fear. But ratting out on someone you [used to] care about ranks up there too.

 

I would let the detectives do their work, but don't let them force you to be the deciding factor. It should be their case to build, not yours.

[effie815]

This is true. I actually live out of state and we have had no contact, and only my mom and one friend know where I am.

 

I'm going to call the detective tomorrow. I guess I don't know why they wouldn't proceed with everything they have.

 

And ratting out when it's physical attacks and life threats...yes, I cared about him. But if I care about someone and they break the law, that should mean I keep quiet about the illegal things they have done? Esp when it's a repeating pattern within him?

 

Edited to add: I'm not trying to come off argumentative, I'm just posing some devil's advocate q's, I suppose.

Edited June 26, 2013 by effie815
added some thoughts

[imtooconfused]

And ratting out when it's physical attacks and life threats...yes, I cared about him. But if I care about someone and they break the law, that should mean I keep quiet about the illegal things they have done? Esp when it's a repeating pattern within him?

 

I am just trying to prepare you for the guilt that you will feel when he is arrested, booked, held overnight until bail arrives, put on trial, convicted, and sentenced to serve jail time. You will question why you put him through that at each step of the process, but please know that you did not do that to him. His continual, repeated behavior did that to him. He did that to himself.

[effie815]

I am just trying to prepare you for the guilt that you will feel when he is arrested, booked, held overnight until bail arrives, put on trial, convicted, and sentenced to serve jail time. You will question why you put him through that at each step of the process, but please know that you did not do that to him. His continual, repeated behavior did that to him. He did that to himself.

 

Thank you for these words--this is the step I am having trouble with. I do still feel like it would be "my fault" so obviously I have some more emotional and mentally work to do.

 

I have no money, so getting a lawyer (or paying for a good one) isn't even something on my radar right now. I'll leave a message for my detective today about what others have said above about why they need my word, etc, why it's dependent on me, etc.

 

I guess I thought the law was here to help us in situations like this so it didn't become a person vs. person and so we could feel safe. It feels complicated and discouraging, to be honest.

[pteromom]

Thank you for these words--this is the step I am having trouble with. I do still feel like it would be "my fault" so obviously I have some more emotional and mentally work to do.

 

 

Not your fault at all. It doesn't mean that you were a perfect angel in the relationship or that you have never done anything wrong. But the decision to physically abuse you was HIS choice, not YOUR fault.

 

Anything that happens to him is just a consequence of his own actions.

[effie815]

hi guys -- a quick update.

 

i'm almost finished with a 2 month 'rehab' of sorts because i had no direction in my life and couldn't get out of my 'feelings' and moving forward. i am also 2 months no drinking, and completeing a great course on moderation and smart recovery, etc. after the last few months with my ex, i couldn't believe how ****ty i felt about myself.

 

in any case, i compiled the nearly 50 pictures of bruises i had saved on my phone, with dates, and corresponding emails sent from my ex, or me, or to friends, etc. after those violent encounters.

 

i have talked on a off with the detective, got a neuroscan which showed signs of PTSD and a forensic analyst signed off on that. i also reached out to our couple's therapist, which was not great. obviously, he can't share anything because as a couple we were his client.

 

but the therapist made me feel crappy -- brought me right back to the person i was all those months ago for a brief period. he said, well, if i'm brought to court, i have to go but i will not be on your side -- your ex said things about you, too, that i'd have to share. that you were both volatile and that you wouldn't leave him alone and how he was in a fetal position and you were trying to get him to unfold and talk to you, you touched him when he was in the fetal position (what? i don't even know what he was referring to). blah blah.

 

and he also said his lawyer said that me sharing the bruises in front of him, the therapist, and even with my ex there agreeing it had happened, it was still heresay.

 

so wouldn't EVERYthing be hearsay? my own photos? my ex saying **** about me being emotional and crying and trying to hug him and talk to him etc the day i left for good? i'm about to submit my flash drive with the statements from the neuro guy, and the organized, dated photos and i need to decide to either pursue criminal charges or just leave it alone.

 

i have a great mindfulness teacher who is saying all these systems are in place to keep women from filing charges--less work, the laws in place help deter women, still society sees this as a grey area, etc.

 

i don't care what happens to my ex but i still don't know what to expect if it does move forward. i wasn't perfect but i never put a hand on him except to hug or try to turn him or something. never ever ever in a striking, shaking, throwing manner.

 

i mean, i did some volatile things -- threw a phone, threw a remote, etc. but this was only when i was mad after fighting and on my own and never when my ex was in the room.

 

so i'm scared, and i feel like this is how they want me to feel: scared and ****ty about myself. but the truth is he was violent once to three times a month for a year. i don't know the best course of action, and the easiest thing is to just ignore it and let it fall away. but then he has effectively gotten away with physical acts against my (honestly) loud and scary emotions and thought that was ok and that he has that right.

[amy10]

One thing I’d like to say first is the friends you have been telling about this sound the crapiest ever! I know how hard it can be with no one close to trust and tell things to but try not to tell anyone else who is ether your ex's friend or someone like that.

Also well done for leaving after you freaked out. That is the most important and hardest thing to do in your situation.

I wish you had someone you could talk to about this I really do. To be honest I think it's better if you stay away now that you are away. Don't try to go round to talk to him it's better for your mental health to stay away. I think it's good that you could smash up some things though! , letting of some stem is a good idea, in fact I find it hard to let it out when I’m angry so it's good you can.

 

It sounds like this guy is a bit scary and weird with the way he deals with things like you crying. And it also was a bit scary to read the part where you said he had sex with you whilst unconscious.

Just stay away from him and find someone better but first I think you need to rest and get back to being happy. your self- esteem issues are ones that many people have and I don't think they will be helped being with a man like that.

It's good you are going to a therapist this will help to get over this relationship and improve on yourself.

I hope you get to feeling stronger and over him soon and one day find a good man that you deserve. And also some good friends.

[amy10]

Also it is most definately not your fault. There are two people in a relationship and they both contribute but in this case you are compleetly right to freek out.

[turnera]

If you're still reading, just know this: Your lot in life should be to be honest, to act with integrity, to right wrong when you see it...rather than to take the easy way out. Taking the easy way out only leaves YOU feeling bad, and does nothing to right the wrong. If you don't file, he will just go on to hurt one or more other women and leave them dealing with the same crap you've worked so hard to get past. Plus, this could be what HE needs to get help.