Guisi Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 Has anyone ever caused their MM/MW any type of emotional pain without getting that person spouse involved. I'm so angry with my MM, I want to cause him some type of emotional heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
LoneStar49 Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 No, I haven't, but I'm certain many of us have felt the same way you are feeling right now. Problem is...I'm beginning to wonder if they are even capable of emotional pain. If they were, would we be where we are now? Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted September 21, 2004 Share Posted September 21, 2004 guisi - wow! i was just sorting laundry having the same thoughts and just saw your post. i'm definitely angry with him and go back and forth between wanting to be in his arms and wanting somehow to hurt him emotionally. but i agree with lonestar, i'm not sure there's anything we could do to hurt them. i was out last night and had a chance to possibly become involved with someone else but i'm so hurt and feel so damaged by what he did (told me his marriage was definitely over, no questions asked, SHE was leaving him - or so he said) that i almost literally ran away. and now, where is my MM? back with his wife and seems so confused as to why i'm so hurt and don't understand. i spent so much time, after he first ended things, being so afraid that i'd say something that would keep him from coming back. i must have said i'm sorry at least a hundred times. i don't so much care anymore. yeah, if he showed up at my door it would be hard to resist him, but most of the time i'd just like to scream in his general direction. i mostly just scream into my pillow. what will be interesting is that our relationship was long distance and i'm actually supposed to see him next week. even though everyone says, NC, NC, NC i know myself well enough to know that i need to see his face and have him tell me that it's over. i need closure, in person. he says he still loves me, that he doesn't want me to hate him - i've told him how close i am to that. so i suppose part of me is to some extent doing, or attempting to cause him some emotional pain. i may be warped, but i feel like, if he really did ever love me, if he sees and hears me in person tell him how much pain he's caused me and how much he's messed up my life, that maybe he'll at least feel badly about it. he says he's sorry, sorry doesn't cut it! i suppose if nothing else perhaps knowing how much he's hurt me will keep him from having another affair. well we'll see. i am incredibly nervous about seeing him and while i've rehearsed what i want to say, i'm afraid i'm going to become a babbling idiot when he walks through the door. all i want is some closure, i know i need to move on. but yes, the temptation to see him hurting as much as i have been is so there! Link to post Share on other sites
LoneStar49 Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 I understand your need to see him and have him tell you face-to-face it is over for the sake of closure, but of course, it it totally unadvisable. But you already know that, izzybelle. I also understand being afraid of saying anything that might prevent him coming back to you. What I don't understand is what you meant by this...i must have said i'm sorry at least a hundred times. What do you have to be sorry about? That you fell in love with someone and believed what they told you? Are you sorry that HE is so confused and doesn't understand why you don't understand and feel hurt? You may have something to be sorry about, but I hope it isn't any of those things. He mislead you - exactly like many of them have mislead many of us. And that is the ultimate insult - we trusted them and believed in what they said. Sometimes I have to wonder if some of these men don't have a sociopathic personality type to go around inflicting such pain on people - for no reason but their own personal gain. I found this: Characteristics of Psychopath (Sociopath, Anti-social Personality Disorder) This is a fascinating clinical list. I leave it to you to apply these elements to any politician or talk show host you choose. Glibness/superficial charm. Grandiose sense of self-worth. Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom Pathological lying Conning/manipulative Lack of remorse or guilt Shallow affect Callous/lack of empathy Parasitic lifestyle Poor behavioral controls Promiscuous sexual behavior Early behavior problems Lack of realistic, long-term plans Impulsivity Irresponsibility Failure to accept responsibility for own actions Many short-term marital relationships Juvenile delinquency Revocation of conditional release Criminal versatility (Hare, 1986) (Narcissism also a characteristic) "It must be remembered that even the most severely and obviously disabled psychopath presents a technical appearance of sanity, often with high intellectual capacities and not infrequently succeeds in business or professional activities for short periods, some for considerable periods .Although they occasionally appear on casual inspection as successful members of the community, as able lawyers, executive or physicians, they do not, it seems, succeed in the sense of finding satisfaction of fulfillment in their own accomplishments. Nor do they, when the full story is known, appear to find this in an ordinary activity." Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 lonestar - interesting stuff about the psychopath/sociopath, some of the characteristics do ring true. to be honest half the time when i was apologizing, i'm not sure what i was saying i was sorry for. other times, i apologized for not just being able to walk away without hurting, for the fact that i couldn't understand why it happened, for letting him hear how hurt i was, for saying something that might have been hurtful, for saying i love you, for still being in love with him....and on it goes. i was a mess. i was pleading, i was about as pathetic as i could be. and i apologized for that too. now i just feel stupid and angry. i still want to believe that everything he told me was true. he thought his marriage was ending this summer. his wife had informed him of that on numerous occassions (for years). so, in his defense, he thought he'd be free (or so he said). his wife found out and well, the rest is history. i feel like i'd been led down a path through a beautiful rose garden and then at the moment when i was completely "hooked" i was thrown into the bushes and i know we all know how paiful those thorns can be. i've gotten threatening emails and phone calls from his wife. surprised me since he had convinced me that the marriage was over by her choice more than his, but that he was done trying. yeah right!!! i had a brief affair with a married man before and the only way i could get past it and get over it was a face-to-face. and although i know it's not advisable, it did help me. yes, the pain was unbearable again for a few days and then i could get past it and move on. so i know what i'm in for, i know how much i'm going to hurt, but there are so many questions left unanswered here that i know there may not be answers to, but dam* it, i'm gonna ask! we talked about our future together, i was the most important peson in his life, i heard it all. he'd never loved anyone the way he loved me, had never felt so connected... i think i heard every phrase i've ever heard in any of these posts. and i believed it all. i need to have my say to have my peace. i'd like to be able to fall in love again, but i know until i get past him, my heart is taken and broken in a million pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
Nocturnalkitee Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 If i could afford it, I would rent a huge billboard that says my MM was full of $H**. I saw this happen on a t.v. show yesterday. I know so much about him, I could destroy his life. I love him, so of course I will not do that. Link to post Share on other sites
sinner Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 I know so much about him, I could destroy his life. Many of us have the power of disclosure over our estranged MM or MW. And I'm sure most of us , in our darkest moments, have entertained lurid vengeance fantasies. Revenge , however, like family vacations, is better imagined than experienced. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 i like the comparison to family vacations! i also like the billboard idea! i'd never have the nerve to do anything, and in spite of everything i still love my MM and know that hurting him would only end up hurting me in return somehow. but ... it is nice to fantasize!! Link to post Share on other sites
StillChillinCookie Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Get the wife involved... I'm going to be married, vey soon...If it were happening, I'd rather know about it than feel stupid and keep feelin suspicious. and just in case, start safe sex up again...I mean, I wouldn't know how many OWs there are and how any guys they do and so on.... I think I would stay with him...but put him thru hell too, so I'd be helpin both of us out... I'm one fo the weird ones that would be so pissed if the man went to a strip bar but wouldn't care as much about an OW. Hell yeah I'd care, but not as much. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 since my mm's wife knows, there have been times when i've wanted to have a rational conversation with her, instead of her just being nasty (yeah she probably had a right to be but it didn't really accomplish much). i'd love to hear HER side of the story about their relationship and then try to figure out what the truth really was, somewhere in between. although i will say that he had portrayed her as being somewhat nasty and controlling, both traits i've seen. i suppose it would be kind of amusing, in a sick way, to let him think i was going to call her!!! hmmmm. maybe in my next life!! Link to post Share on other sites
LoneStar49 Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Originally posted by Nocturnalkitee I know so much about him, I could destroy his life. Yeah, me, too. With one phone call, I could destroy his business. With another, I could destroy his wife (and not with a phone call informing her of the affair - she already knows that). I know one of her deepest and darkest secrets, too. But what would I gain in the end. Certainly not what I want, and in the process, I'd only be hurting someone I care deeply about. Hurting someone would only put me on his level and that isn't a place I care to be. If nothing else, I can look in the mirror everyday. I would imagine he's having a hard time with that. So, I won't do any of that stuff. But I guarantee you one thing - in my own deepest and darkest dreams, the thought of all I could do is there. Sort of sustaining right about now. Link to post Share on other sites
Breathe Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Revenge... hmmm I remember those days with my ex that was cheating on me. I would put his underwear in the dryer to fluff them - but I didn't wash them! I took like 4 months before he finally noticed - my guess some OW went down on him and got a whiff!! I also super glued his penis to his leg, although I wouldn't recommend this as I heard you can get arrested for assault if you do this. I put Ex-lax in his food - painted his finger nails and toe nails red - I talked to the OW and we put him on the spot to "defend" all his lies he told both of us... There are all sorts of "little" revengeful things you can do - just don't take it too far if you do go forward with anything. For my ex and I - we are friends to this day and for us, we can look back on this and laugh about it. Not many people can do this. You are hurting now, but this too shall pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Maria46 Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 There is no need for revenge. Everything that goes around, comes around. The way people lead their lives reveals what will happen in the future. Sometimes you want something bad to happen to someone who has hurt you. Just sit back and wait. Sometimes it takes many years and other times, just a few days for this person to receive what (you may believe) is coming to them. That is when you will feel justice for what has happened. By that time, your anger may have subsided a bit and you will feel sorry for what they received. Revenge is not as "sweet" as you feel it would be. Good luck and be careful! Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Though no matter how sweet it would sound, it is bitter. You have to remember that in the process of acting out or dreaming your plans of sweet revenge, you will be bringing yourself pain and suffering. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 but ... they do say that being happy can be the best revenge. to show an ex, mm or other, that you can be truly happy without them would be so sweet! Link to post Share on other sites
Maria46 Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 Good thought Izzybelle!! That is so true!!! And you don't have to plot, plan or do anything else....but be happy!! Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 my other "best" revenge ... as i said earlier, i'm going to see my ex MM next week. haven't seen him in almost 5 mos. since then i've lost weight (was thin to begin with but in much better shape after the summer) i'm tan, different hair and i (according to others) look pretty da** good! i know he was attracted to me before so... did that for myself and from the stress, but i'll bet that it'll make him remember what he's missing. his loss!!! my turn to be strong and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Maria46 Posted September 22, 2004 Share Posted September 22, 2004 That sound like you will have the last laugh there. Please be careful and not fall back into the old rut!! You need to be strong and happy. Link to post Share on other sites
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