FILs want us to Marry in the Church, but...

[venusianx13]

...I'm no longer a Catholic. I haven't been for over 10 years.

 

So, my family met the FILs for the first time last night; we all met up for dinner out. Things went well, as my parents are very similar to them, and they got along as well as I expected they would. However, upon departure, FMIL took my mother aside and said something to her. My mother later told me that she had stated, "They'd better register at a church and start going."

 

I know non-practicing couples who have done this, and that's fine, but I don't feel right going through the motions, essentially lying. I'm a Buddhist. I am not 100% positive, but I don't believe monks or nuns in many Buddhist traditions perform the rite of marriage. So, I realize that is out of the question, but I am still open to other types of spiritual officiates. My partner doesn't really care either way, but I know he'd like to please his mom and dad. My parents are well aware of my beliefs by now and respect them. Although they are staunch, practicing Catholics themselves, they don't really care how I go about getting married. That is clearly not the story with the FILs.

 

FMIL has already passed judgment on me for being a Buddhist. She clearly knew nothing about the religion and was spouting off really irrational ideas a few months back. I guess I should have seen this coming. I know I need to speak to my F about this, but how can I approach it? I honestly do not want to go to church every Sunday, go through the pre-cana classes and lie through my teeth (that's pretty much what happens, I am told...). This may very well be a battle I will end up losing, and the truth of the matter is, I don't care how it's done, either, I just feel really uncomfortable putting on a show of "faith" just to appease his family.

 

Anyone else been through something similar? How did you handle it?

[Keenly]

Here's how you handle it. Its YOUR wedding. Screw your in laws. If your man loves you , he will understand that its not their decision to make, and if they don't like it, they can choose not to come.

 

 

There are way too many weak people who allow their parents or in laws to pressure them into things that they don't want simply because they are the "parents" . No, they are not. They are adults, you are adults, do what YOU want .

[Silly_Girl]

No, no, no. Please don't consider this. It's your day, your faith (or not) and your choice. Do what makes you happy. And don't be a hypocrite.

[TaraMaiden]

Here's what I would do:

I would make an appointment with the Priest who would be officiating at your wedding - and getting to know him.

See how receptive he would be to understanding and accepting that you are Buddhist.

While you respect and can appreciate the catholic faith as a religion, you yourself have chosen a different path.

 

Now, this could go two ways:

He could either embrace the fact that a Buddhist is willing to marry her husband in a church - and incorporate some Buddhist ideology into the ceremony - or he could try to persuade ('convert' ) you to doing it all 'his way'.

 

THIS is when you decide what will be done.

 

If he cannot tolerate the union of two faiths (and it sounds like your H2b don't give a damn one way or the other) then it's time to look elsewhere.

 

But be True to yourself.

Be honest, and stand up for what you choose to follow.

State your case, clearly, calmly but adamantly.

 

And you really need your H2b to make his feelings about his own 'faith' known too.

 

Why should this be solely up to you to field?

 

This is YOUR day.

A day you're going to want to look back on and be happy about - you need to be able to look at memories of a day during which you were able to be true to yourself, not a day in which you were browbeaten into having....

 

When my parents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, they had a Nuptial mass during which they re-affirmed their vows to one another.

 

I approached the Catholic priest about being able to include something in the service.... something with a Buddhist flavour.

 

To my enduring delight, he was so happy to be able to do that. He was genuinely thrilled I had made such a proposal.

 

He greeted the merging of 'two roads' with positive enthusiasm, and on the day, when the Buddhist reading had concluded (my daughter read the Italian version, my H the English, for the diversity of invited guests we had present) the priest was the first to burst into spontaneous applause.

 

I couldn't read it myself - I was too emotionally choked - but it was so lovely to witness the joy of the occasion.

 

After the service, many of my Italian relatives - good church-going Catholics, every one of them - all, without exception, told me what a joy and a pleasure it had been, to experience the inclusion of a Buddhist flavour.

 

It can be done.

With comprehension, sympathy and understanding, it can be achieved.

but don't be rail-roaded into compliance.

Because that way lies perdition.

Do it now - and you will be doing it for ever more......

[Nyla]

Both my mother and my MIL wanted us to marry in a church. My mother wanted a Catholic wedding and my MIL wanted a United wedding.

 

My husband and I just stood our ground and said that we didn't feel right marrying in a church, when neither of us attend on a regular basis. I wasn't going to listen to some unmarried priest tell me how to have a happy marriage and I wasn't going to force my husband to go through that nonsense.

 

I know a woman who married in a church, but she cheated on her fiance and told more than one person that she didn't love him. This woman only married her husband because his family had money. That showed me that if people do not have good intentions, marrying in a church will not make a difference. I'm pretty sure that God doesn't take too kindly to people lying in His house when they marry.

[DayJ]

Religion or not, its your wedding you do as you please not anybody's else's choice to make but your own simple as that. They can say whatever they want but you decide what goes down that day.

[venusianx13]

Late on the reply here, but thank you everyone, for your advice. I've spoken with H2B about it, and it turns out that his mother also tried to get HIM to think that it was MY MOTHER who wanted us to marry in the church. Funny...

 

I feel better, though. H2B is a lapsed Catholic, agnostic at best, and really doesn't care to get married in a church, as he recently expressed to me. So, we'll do it OUR way... hopefully we'll be able to incorporate some Buddhist flavor into the ceremony. I know that I don't want it to be a Justice of the Peace, so I'll have to see what other kinds of officiates are out there.

[TaraMaiden]

Found this link:

It's pertinent to the UK, but it still breaks new ground, because up to even 10 years ago, Buddhists did not conform to any specific marital ceremony.

This is a relatively new notion in Western circles....

 

I think if you can do some research with regard to local temples, or ask at these temples whether they either offer a supplementary ceremony (because it in and of itself may not be considered 'legal' there) or whether a monk would officiate at your 'home-made ceremony... well, there's much scope for research here.

 

 

And perverse as it may seem, have 'compassionate sympathy' for your Mil.... people are scared of what they do not understand. This may be horrific and alien to her.

 

While I don't expect her to come round, "Walt Disney" style, and be all transformed and reformed, by understanding her need to be in control, you can make the shock of this a bit gentler on her system.

Clarify, don't confront....

[georgia girl]

My only advice on this one would be to not argue about it. People get so inflamed with weddings and make enemies over things that in the end, matter but not to the extent that one should feel justified hurting or excluding another wedding..

 

Try to find a way to be inclusive to everyone. Not because it's their day or not your day. But because in the end, although an important day, it's not the most important day in your life. You will find that there are many, many important days and those days are made all the richer because of the family and friends you have included in them. Hurting someone now may jeopardize those future great days. (FYI: the most important day in my life: an unplanned day with my husband but no one but the two of us know a detail about it. Happened over a year after we were married.)

 

My wedding was not my dream wedding and it was far from perfect. But it's the imperfections that in the end, made it MY wedding. Each part had the fingerprint of someone that I or my husband loved. It's those warm memories of that day that are the most special in the end.