lovely84 Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Hi everyone! I am new here and in quite the mess. I am in a 2 year long situation where I am the OW. I am 28 and he is 29. We have been friends since we were about 17 years old. He is in my small, very close circle of friends. All of our friends know about it. We don't hide it when we are out. If you were to see us you would just assume we are a couple. We go out often, have amazing sex, talk every day, and share things with each other that no one else knows. We say I love you and I know it is true for me but I question how it could be true for him since he refuses to leave his girlfriend...not wife. He lives with his girlfriend. They have been together 6 years and engaged at one point but she called it off. She never comes out. 6 years and I have never met one of my very good friends girlfriends. In fact out of our circle only 2 people have. He claims she is mentally unstable. I know she will not drive herself anywhere except work even though she has her own car. She supposedly has cut herself. They do not have sex and when they try she doesn't want him to touch her. From all accounts it seems as though she is not attracted to him but codependent. She threatens him with physical violence--which I have heard over the phone. One of their neighbors commented on how psychotic she is and she bragged to one of the two friends she has met about it. She thought it was funny. However after all of this and feeling like he and I have such a connection he will not break up with her. He claims the reasons are that he is afraid she will harm herself, he feels indebted to her, and financial reasons. I know it is probably time for me to walk away from this situation. I love him and on top of it he is one of my best friends. I never thought I would find myself in this situation. Most of the time it is like she never exists since she is never around. I don't know what I am looking for on here. Maybe someone who has been in a similar situation. Did it ever work out? Did you end it and eventually were you able to have a friendship again? If I am being honest I don't want to end it but I am wasting my twenties. And as a friend I worry he is wasting his life with someone who doesn't actually love him. One of my other friends knows the girlfriend and agrees regardless of me he needs to leave her. It is a toxic relationship from what I know. Sorry for the long post just needed to get it out and get some advice! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 It is up to him to end it with her. You can't 100% count on what he is telling you or what others have seen or heard. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors, except for them. He is comfortable with her and obviously something is keeping him with her. Maybe there's an unhealthy dynamic he is addicted to - Either way, he has chosen to not leave and end things. Instead he's got you, a patch to fulfill what is missing in his relationship or what is broken inside of him. If you are unhappy with how things are, end it. Tell him no more sex, that you feel used and it's unfair and cruel to his live in girlfriend to go on like this. Tell him that if he wants you for himself, he must end things with her and then later once he's had time to be alone and adjust to not living with her anymore, then you will 'date' him properly. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovely84 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 He is not married, no children, no sex, she is mentally ill, he loves you. And yet he stays with her. Is she a very wealthy woman and gives him money? Otherwise, i don't get it. Your story does not make sense. I don't get it either. Thus why I am here. All I have to go on is that he has NEVER broken up with any of his girlfriends. It seems like he waits for them to break it off. Link to post Share on other sites
shiver23 Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Oh wow. I feel really sympathetic, but I've never been in such a situation. However, I HAVE been in a toxic relationship with someone who was mentally unstable. Thank God, it was an LDR. I went to visit him (spending 2K to do so) and realized how horrible being with him for the long term would be for me. Breaking that relationship off was hard (I was pretty much engaged) but I would've been stuck in a horrible situation. I suffer from severe depression/moderate anxiety myself, but I have a pretty good handle on it. As for you, I think walking away will either 1) wake up the poor guy and he'll get out of that toxic relationship or 2) free you from all this stress and ultimately, find someone who loves you enough to be with you without conditions. I really hope things work out for you and your beau, but you also need to see to your health/well-being first. Just my two bits. Link to post Share on other sites
LadyLee Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 ouch. Lovely84 I am in a very similar situation ie guy is not married, no kids with this live in girlfriend etc even the same time span and was hoping that you'd get more insight. It's so weird, on the outside of your situation looking in, it seems obvious that it doesn't take a man two years to decide if he wants to be with you or not. What the others posted seems right but it's not always as easy or black and white huh? Are you content being the OW? Do you want change? Is he cake eating? What do you think that you'll do? Lee Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovely84 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Thanks for the responses everyone. Being that is someone that I have known for a very long time I generally trust him when he tells me what is going on in his relationship. And the fact that she has no desire to meet her boyfriends close friends is not what makes her a bad person but the way she controls him by guilting him with threats of suicide, cutting, physical violence etc really upsets me. It is just not right and even when we were just friends it upset me. Maybe you are all right and there is something more going on behind closed doors. It doesn't add up or make sense so I can see where everyone is coming from in that regard. Ladylee--I have more and more been thinking about ending it. I do go on dates with other men but I haven't really liked anyone else so far. I feel I would need quite a bit of time of NC to really move past this and as he is in my circle of close friends it will be hard to 100% avoid him. Their lease is up soon and he has options to move so I am keeping my fingers crossed that he will make the right decision. If not I will need to end things and move on with my life as much as I don't really want to. Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I don't really have any advice to offer and just wanted to say I'm sorry you are having a hard time right now. It's hard to see someone remain in a tough situation when you know they're life would be easier and happier if they left. The truth is, there really isn't anything you can do until they wise up and see the reality of the situation. Until that happens all you can do is detach with compassion and empathy, focus on your own life and let them know you are there for them should they find the courage to set a boundary and leave. Best wishes to you...I know its hard. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Lovely84 wrote, "All I have to go on is that he has NEVER broken up with any of his girlfriends. It seems like he waits for them to break it off." Big. Red. Flag. I can only imagine how frustrated his past girlfriends would eventually become with him. He "waits" for them to break up?! No wonder his girlfriends come off as angry to this small circle of friends you both are part of. He doesn't introduce them. He hangs out without them. He probably uses them by way of them "caring" for his needs/wants at home. ie; laundry, cooking, cleaning, sex. Then when they see that is all he's in for, dump his a**... Big. Red. Flag... Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovely84 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Lovely84 wrote, "All I have to go on is that he has NEVER broken up with any of his girlfriends. It seems like he waits for them to break it off." Big. Red. Flag. I can only imagine how frustrated his past girlfriends would eventually become with him. He "waits" for them to break up?! No wonder his girlfriends come off as angry to this small circle of friends you both are part of. He doesn't introduce them. He hangs out without them. He probably uses them by way of them "caring" for his needs/wants at home. ie; laundry, cooking, cleaning, sex. Then when they see that is all he's in for, dump his a**... Big. Red. Flag... Sorry but you are making assumptions on that part. His other girlfriends have all hung out with us. His girlfriend is always invited to come out. She chooses not to. She literally refuses to leave her apartment with the exception of work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovely84 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Sorry-- do not mean to get defensive at all. I just wanted to make sure the details are understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovely84 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Again thanks for the responses. We are going out for dinner tonight so maybe tonight is a good night to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovely84 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Agree Pierre. I know I am missing something somewhere in all of this. A lie I am sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovely84 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Thank you Alexandria. That was very helpful. I was trying to get some perspective and your response really helped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lovely84 Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Now a bit of reality for you. Having a relationship with a cheater was never a good plan. Plenty of women do not give men like your OM a second look. So why did you think this was a plan? I wouldn't really say it was a plan. Something that happened and just kept going. Link to post Share on other sites
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