No sex life in a loved marraige

[TuvokNev]

Hi,

 

I'm 33, been married to my wife since 2 years now. We love each other. Basicaly we do not have any sex live at all, I think the last time we made love was 2 years ago, even then, it was very infrequently. She do not like to talk about it and I'm not the type of men who will force her or bug her up to the point that she give up and says yes... making love is not having sex, i want her to desire it. its strange, because I know her psychologicaly but i'm a stranger to her body.

 

It's hard for me some times. not because i miss sex,well i miss it, but more because i feel a bit rejected. Often i'll try delicately to approche her and kiss her on the neck and so forth, but she always find a way to push me back. for example, if the kiss start to be too 'hot', she will tickle me or something and move away... She will never touch me other than taking my hand, when she kisses me, its always a light kiss (like the one you will give before leaving to work).

 

sometimes i think its because of me, i mean my body, i'm quite slim (6' for 150lbs), maybe she is not attracted... i asked her and she says that she was attracted to me, but i'm suspicious, i think she said that to not hurt my feelings. me, i'm very attracted to her, she pocess the perfect (for me) body, hair color, skin...

 

i'm a man, i know man generaly speaking have more libido than woman. i got an erection as soon as she kisses me, my libido is high, i masturbate a lot to release the pressure. I don't know about her...

 

I remember something she told me long time ago (before we got married). she told me she will not be able to sleep with two man... sometimes a small part of paranoia come to visit me... these thought come in contradiction with my trust in her... these small moments of paranoia goes fast, there is no point to make scenario, i trust her.

 

I don't know how to approch this problem anymore, last time we talked about that, she says that our schedule are soo different, that its difficult (i'm working during the day, and she's working during the evening). on the weekend she always got something to do and always invite friends. I think she is making excuses. Gosh I sound soo bad, i mean everything happening in a relationship is 50/50, i got a part of responsability in this too.

 

Anyways if the person who read this wasn't bored to death about my problem, I thank him/her... it make me feel a bit better to write it to stanger...

 

thanks for listening.

[Merin]

Wow!

 

Well you've only been married for 2 years, your young, and the last time you can remember having sex was 2 years ago?

 

It doesn't sound as if sex was as frequent as you would have liked it even before...

 

Regardless if your wife wants to talk about this or not, it is an issue in the relationship and needs to be dealt with.... if you continue to ignore it, it's not going to get any better, it's not going to resolve itself and eventually you may really resent her.

 

Wanting to be intimate with someone you love isn't selfish or wrong so get that out of your head all together.

 

You really need to sit down with your wife, tell her how much you love her and care about her... tell her you really miss being intimate with her. She needs to know how serious you are about this being a problem.

 

I understand it is hard to find time alone, but for real... you both need to MAKE TIME for one another.

[Butchey]

I remember something she told me long time ago (before we got married). she told me she will not be able to sleep with two man...

 

Could you explain this?

 

I think there may be something she is not telling you. Try to open the communication and find out how she feels about sex in general. Two years is a long time for anyone. How are the other aspects of your relationship? Do you spend allot of time together in other activities?

[xeson]

XESON - No sex spelled backwards. I understand completely.

 

Why someone in a marriage doesn't want sex?

 

First,

If you are married and do not want sex you probably are not reading this.

If you are the one wanting sex, there is not much you can do except change yourself. You cannot change anyone. You know how hard it is to change yourself. In my marriage we used to fight all the time, but now we get along much better since I've given up, and started sleeping on the couch. It hasn't lessened my sex drive, but it has cut down the fighting. Masturbation is my only relief.

If you are not married and this topic frightens you then please before you marry someone, get to know the person and the warning signs. I am not talking about someone who wants to wait until marriage to have sex. There are lot of people who give sex or companionship to get married, then once they are married they stop since they got what they wanted.

 

Quote: It’s difficult to say exactly how many of the 113 million married Americans are too exhausted or too grumpy to get it on, but some psychologists estimate that 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which is how the experts define sexless marriage.

 

According to this definition I've been in a sexless marriage for about ten years.

I've been married for over 21 years with no sex (zero) for the past three years. I know what it is like. It is torment and unusual cruelty. However I venture to say that the spouse who does not want sex is much more troubled than you, with issues they cannot get over. My only advise as the victim of a sexless marriage is to get over it and move on. I don't know of any relationships where it got better. I am not advocating divorce especially with children involved. If you get out, you are probably selfish and not any better.

 

Why someone in a marriage does not want sex.

 

Health - Poor health causes sexual desire to decrease or leave completely. It's God's way of keep the unhealthy from having and raising children. I've been to several funerals where the spouse hardly shed a tear. I think in some ways it was a relief to the living spouse.

Homosexuality - A homosexual in a heterosexual marriage, sexually desires something they cannot have.

Childhood Abuse - Abuse, especially childhood abuse, makes it difficult at best for that person to trust another human being.

Other sexual partners - Sex in it's fullness requires giving oneself completely to another. This is impossible if you have sexual relations with someone other than your spouse. Giving one's self as a virgin in marriage is good, but much better is a spouse who is faithful for life. Trust is one of the worst things you can lose in a marriage relationship. Being unfaithful is probably the worst things that can happen in a marriage.

Anger/Hate/Forgiveness - Forgiveness is the key to any loving relationship. In marriage someone that has difficulty with anger or hate, has real trouble letting go and forgiving. They will use sex as a weapon, to withhold or punish. Ultimately you cannot love sexually if you harbor bitterness, anger, rage, and hold un-forgiveness.

 

Choosing to Love - Anyone can love another if they chose. Love in it's fullness is deeply spiritual. It is not based on what you receive but what you give. Spiritual love comes from within and originates from the Spirit. This is the biggest key to any loving relationship, choosing to love, whether it be sexual, emotional, mentally or physically. Especially in marriage.

 

Gals, your body is a gift to your husband. This means keeping yourself and giving yourself fully to him.

Guys, your body is a gift to your wife. This means keeping and giving yourself physically and emotionally to her.

 

The sad truth is that there is not much you can do to change your spouse if they are not willing to change. Stop what you are doing and Start changing yourself.

If you are the victim of a emotionless or sexless marriage I venture to say that your spouse is dealing with much greater issues of their own.

 

One thing I've learned from Dr. Schulze http://www.herbdoc.com is that it is easy to get well. Stop doing that which is killing you and Start living new healthy lifestyles. There are three main keys, Stop, Start, and with You in the middle. Several months ago a friend said she was going to move on despite her unresponsive husband. I've come to realize that what she meant was that she was going to go forward despite the stagnant, dead marriage. Not leave or abandon her marriage, but work on changing herself. God has given us an incredible gift Life are you going to sleep walk through it or are you going to live life to its fullness.

 

Finally after being married for over twenty years I've realized who to marry or who not to marry.

Only marry someone you are willing to live their lifestyle the rest of your life. As I said you cannot change anyone, and you know how hard it is to change yourself.

 

MRM

[sami]

You both need to sit down and communicate. There is a real big problem here.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by xeson

XESON - No sex spelled backwards. I understand completely.

 

Why someone in a marriage doesn't want sex?

 

First,

If you are married and do not want sex you probably are not reading this.

If you are the one wanting sex, there is not much you can do except change yourself. You cannot change anyone. You know how hard it is to change yourself. In my marriage we used to fight all the time, but now we get along much better since I've given up, and started sleeping on the couch. It hasn't lessened my sex drive, but it has cut down the fighting. Masturbation is my only relief.

If you are not married and this topic frightens you then please before you marry someone, get to know the person and the warning signs. I am not talking about someone who wants to wait until marriage to have sex. There are lot of people who give sex or companionship to get married, then once they are married they stop since they got what they wanted.

 

Quote: It’s difficult to say exactly how many of the 113 million married Americans are too exhausted or too grumpy to get it on, but some psychologists estimate that 15 to 20 percent of couples have sex no more than 10 times a year, which is how the experts define sexless marriage.

 

According to this definition I've been in a sexless marriage for about ten years.

I've been married for over 21 years with no sex (zero) for the past three years. I know what it is like. It is torment and unusual cruelty. However I venture to say that the spouse who does not want sex is much more troubled than you, with issues they cannot get over. My only advise as the victim of a sexless marriage is to get over it and move on. I don't know of any relationships where it got better. I am not advocating divorce especially with children involved. If you get out, you are probably selfish and not any better.

 

Why someone in a marriage does not want sex.

 

Health - Poor health causes sexual desire to decrease or leave completely. It's God's way of keep the unhealthy from having and raising children. I've been to several funerals where the spouse hardly shed a tear. I think in some ways it was a relief to the living spouse.

Homosexuality - A homosexual in a heterosexual marriage, sexually desires something they cannot have.

Childhood Abuse - Abuse, especially childhood abuse, makes it difficult at best for that person to trust another human being.

Other sexual partners - Sex in it's fullness requires giving oneself completely to another. This is impossible if you have sexual relations with someone other than your spouse. Giving one's self as a virgin in marriage is good, but much better is a spouse who is faithful for life. Trust is one of the worst things you can lose in a marriage relationship. Being unfaithful is probably the worst things that can happen in a marriage.

Anger/Hate/Forgiveness - Forgiveness is the key to any loving relationship. In marriage someone that has difficulty with anger or hate, has real trouble letting go and forgiving. They will use sex as a weapon, to withhold or punish. Ultimately you cannot love sexually if you harbor bitterness, anger, rage, and hold un-forgiveness.

 

Choosing to Love - Anyone can love another if they chose. Love in it's fullness is deeply spiritual. It is not based on what you receive but what you give. Spiritual love comes from within and originates from the Spirit. This is the biggest key to any loving relationship, choosing to love, whether it be sexual, emotional, mentally or physically. Especially in marriage.

 

Gals, your body is a gift to your husband. This means keeping yourself and giving yourself fully to him.

Guys, your body is a gift to your wife. This means keeping and giving yourself physically and emotionally to her.

 

The sad truth is that there is not much you can do to change your spouse if they are not willing to change. Stop what you are doing and Start changing yourself.

If you are the victim of a emotionless or sexless marriage I venture to say that your spouse is dealing with much greater issues of their own.

 

One thing I've learned from Dr. Schulze http://www.herbdoc.com is that it is easy to get well. Stop doing that which is killing you and Start living new healthy lifestyles. There are three main keys, Stop, Start, and with You in the middle. Several months ago a friend said she was going to move on despite her unresponsive husband. I've come to realize that what she meant was that she was going to go forward despite the stagnant, dead marriage. Not leave or abandon her marriage, but work on changing herself. God has given us an incredible gift Life are you going to sleep walk through it or are you going to live life to its fullness.

 

Finally after being married for over twenty years I've realized who to marry or who not to marry.

Only marry someone you are willing to live their lifestyle the rest of your life. As I said you cannot change anyone, and you know how hard it is to change yourself.

 

MRM

 

Wow, that is an incredible post with some amazing insight and advice.....although it was directed to TuvokNev, I really got alot out of it!! Thanks!

[SoleMate]

Tuvok -

 

I wasn't bored by your story, I was very interested. You gave a very clear picture of a familiar and painful problem. I can see how much you love and desire your wife and want to have physical relations with her. Please don't give up. I have lots of hope that you can work through this one.

 

My best advice...if you can find a copy of The Sex-Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner-Davis, please do read it. She understands situations like yours, and has wise and caring advice directed at BOTH parties. Mismatched sex drives (one high, one low) are a problem that BOTH people must participate in solving. I hope you can convince your wife of the importance of this.

 

Re attraction: Sounds like you're quite slender, but I don't see why that would be a problem. Better trim and fit than fat and sloppy, I say. Just stand up straight and make sure that your grooming etc. is all what it needs to be.

 

Also...re another man...I see NO reason to assume this. Lack of sex drive in a marriage has many causes, and unless you have other serious reasons to suspect her of an affair, I would NOT worry about this now. It just doesn't seem likely.

 

How is your relationship otherwise? Do you feel close to her? Does she to you? Do you spend free time with each other, 1:1? If you are apart all week because of work, then definitely you MUST have some private time on weekends. Friends can wait. Take time where you both have fun together - whether doing something outdoors, or maybe just staying in, rubbing each other's backs, listening to music. Do you have fun together? Enjoyable experiences that you share can lead to more warmth and closeness. What does she crave most? Are you giving it to her?

 

And please check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It's free, and they have specific advice that will help you.

 

Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to hear that...From what I've read, and I could be totally wrong here, is it possible she was sexually abused when she was younger? She seems to have issues not only about having sex but the affection, the build up, kissing etc...This is a delicate thing, she has emotional issues and alot of bad memories if that is the case.

 

I am only mentioning this because something doesn't seem right referring to the she can't sleep with 2 men.

 

Again, I could be totally wrong and I pray I am.

 

Just love her, be supportive, show her how much you need her...Communicate, honesty and respect. Maybe some councilling together would help as well as her seeing someone on her own.

 

Hope this helps abit.