I told the BS and she was fine

[MissBee]

But where does it say that he hadn't already told? We have the BW's response that she didn't care but that could be because it wasn't news to her. I think there are some assumptions going on here and we don't have all the details.

 

I don't know if I agree that EVERY OW tells to force a hand and that hand means wanting the MM to leave. A OW may tell because she wants everyone on the same page but if everyone is okay then they will continue in a triangular relationship with all's approval. It is incorporating some retro approval steps but that doesn't mean that it is always a stick to get a MM off the fence.

 

I think this discussion will lead away from the point, as it's after all not even based on the real topic but a misinterpretation of a point made, and a response to the clarification of the misinterpretation LOL Don't wanna go too far OT but:

 

I commented on what was presented by MD, she said nothing about him telling on himself, and I only responded in the parameters of what she presented. The part I zoomed in on was his proposal of resuming, so my post has to be taken in that context.My angle wasn't really discussing why I thought the BS responded in that way or not and I didn't speculate about if she knew before etc. I don't care about that, I just know it's bizarre either way, both of their responses, MM's and hers .

 

It's also wearisome for me to argue the every OW vs not every point. As I had in my mind no absolutes. My statement was one of what seems to make sense in a common sense way and in how it has generally played out. How many OW out the A of their own volition, without MM's knowledge, with the hopes that they will have a more honest relationship and it results in them all being on the same page? Most times when I have seen a "telling" the OW has admitted to wanting him to be kicked out to be with them OR they are done. MD's case seems to go with what I've generally observed, although she could come and clarify her motives.

[MissBee]

I told because she needed to know. I met him on a dating site. He is probably a serial cheater. I am in the middle of a divorce where I was a BS, my situation is different because my husband is gay but I still was blind. I used this guy to get some of my sexuality back and it worked however his wife should know. I'm not willing to be lied to anymore by anyone. It's my line in the sand. I do miss him, badly. It was the most fun thing I have done in months but the situation is too messy and crazy for me.

 

Didn't notice you had posted.

 

So when you told, was it because you were ready to be done with him?

[meat department]

Miss Bee

It was a I was done so I told situation. If I had wanted to continue I would not have told the BS. I probably could have justified in my mind not telling.

I find him contacting me after I told to be tacky and mildly chicken.

[amaysngrace]

Don't think your MM is so much fun. Any straight man would be better in bed than a gay one. Plus MM is a liar.

 

Find a single straight man and go get laid.

[canuckprincess]

Lord no! He might have been the best sex I have ever had but I don't have the time or energy for that hot mess. I will be honest and say there is some part of me that thinks it would be fun to be his OW now that I know but it would lead to heartbreak or some other dramatic situation that I simply don't want.[/quote

 

As many of us have come to realize there is nothing fun about being the ow. It's hard and can be very heartbreaking for everyone. I know I could put an end to the heartbreak anytime but once you've been in it for so long it's even harder to walk away.

 

I wonder if in fact you were really speaking with the wife, if you were maybe they have an open marriage and he kept that a secret from you because maybe he just wanted the fwb from you. You told the wife, does that mean you betrayed him? I know prior to my dday I didn't tell his wife because I would never betray my married bf.

[MissBee]

Miss Bee

It was a I was done so I told situation. If I had wanted to continue I would not have told the BS. I probably could have justified in my mind not telling.

I find him contacting me after I told to be tacky and mildly chicken.

 

Okay thanks

 

Well great for you for leaving that behind!

[BetrayedH]

Kudos to you for finding that courage, MD.

[egalew]

My guess is he is a serial cheater and she has known it all along. She has emotionally checked out of the marriage, but likes the emotional security and status it provides. She's fine with his affairs, as along as he keeps it at bay.

 

I somewhat believe this is what was going on with my ex-MM. She always knew about the affairs on some level, but hit the roof when she saw it was becoming emotional with me. My guess, though I never spoke to the wife.

[Got it]

MD - thank you for clarifying.

 

I do think the slippery slope is one to highlight and for even a BS to see, that if one wants to continue how easy it is to justify the silence.

 

I am glad you came to a conclusion and wish you all the best.