Going from long time friend to lovers to friends in a week

[MiQ]

I've lurked the forums for a long time for different situations (and always helped a bunch) but I could really use some guidance on this.

 

So I have known this girl since the age of 15. We are now 26. Back in the days, we were best friends, me acting as her older brother despite having a crush on her as far as I can remember. Back then, she went out with every single one of my friends but me. Surprisingly, I've been the only one to keep in touch with her througout the years. We definitaly don't have same bestfriends status as we did when we were younger but we are still pretty close. We see/talk to eachother on an irregular basis but always kept our friendship and trust intact.

 

After a month or so of time apart with no contact, we met again last week. We decided we'd go to the movies and spend some time together afterwards. She was exceptionally flirty, which completely surprised me. We eventually got to her place. She got out her alcool and just made me drink senseless despite being a week day. She knew I've always had a crush on her and that night, kept sending me signals she wanted me. And when I say signals, I mean she litterally asked me to stay over. I did not as I had work the next day. She was bummed out and let me know through texts the following day.

 

Two days later we met again. Went shopping, then went to the bar and eventually ended up at her place again. She was just as flirty if not more, and I gave in. We had sex that very night, a night I've been waiting for for about 10 years. We saw eachother again the following day, and the day after. She'd use the words "baby", "sweetie", etc. We'd kiss and hold hands wherever we'd go. To me, we had something going, finaly.

 

Then, two days ago, she got distant. She'd take forever to reply to texts, would be anormally cold when she would and says she's too busy to hang out. I know her well enough to know it's more of an excuse than anything.

 

I finally got her to spill the beans: she told me it all happened too fast, out of nowhere, and says she feels uncomfortable going out with a long time friend. I feel used. I held back my feelings for her for so long, feelings she knew I always had. Yet she made me give in only to take it all back within a week. Now I feel heartbroken, used and confused as to what to do. I'm not even sure I can see her anymore.

 

Any advices as to what to do next? I fear of losing her but I'm not sure I could simply switch back my feelings to where they were.

[Babolat]

What to do next? Decide if you can go back to being just friends, with agreed boundaries.

[Anthony2005]

I've lurked the forums for a long time for different situations (and always helped a bunch) but I could really use some guidance on this.

 

So I have known this girl since the age of 15. We are now 26. Back in the days, we were best friends, me acting as her older brother despite having a crush on her as far as I can remember. Back then, she went out with every single one of my friends but me. Surprisingly, I've been the only one to keep in touch with her througout the years. We definitaly don't have same bestfriends status as we did when we were younger but we are still pretty close. We see/talk to eachother on an irregular basis but always kept our friendship and trust intact.

 

After a month or so of time apart with no contact, we met again last week. We decided we'd go to the movies and spend some time together afterwards. She was exceptionally flirty, which completely surprised me. We eventually got to her place. She got out her alcool and just made me drink senseless despite being a week day. She knew I've always had a crush on her and that night, kept sending me signals she wanted me. And when I say signals, I mean she litterally asked me to stay over. I did not as I had work the next day. She was bummed out and let me know through texts the following day.

 

Two days later we met again. Went shopping, then went to the bar and eventually ended up at her place again. She was just as flirty if not more, and I gave in. We had sex that very night, a night I've been waiting for for about 10 years. We saw eachother again the following day, and the day after. She'd use the words "baby", "sweetie", etc. We'd kiss and hold hands wherever we'd go. To me, we had something going, finaly.

 

Then, two days ago, she got distant. She'd take forever to reply to texts, would be anormally cold when she would and says she's too busy to hang out. I know her well enough to know it's more of an excuse than anything.

 

I finally got her to spill the beans: she told me it all happened too fast, out of nowhere, and says she feels uncomfortable going out with a long time friend. I feel used. I held back my feelings for her for so long, feelings she knew I always had. Yet she made me give in only to take it all back within a week. Now I feel heartbroken, used and confused as to what to do. I'm not even sure I can see her anymore.

 

Any advices as to what to do next? I fear of losing her but I'm not sure I could simply switch back my feelings to where they were.

 

So you two were childhood friends that you've always had deeper feelings for. Finally after all those years it's happened. First let me say congrats... many of us are banished to the pits of the friendzone to never see light again.

But the honeymoon is over, first and foremost it's important to keep the friendship healthy. Undestand that things have changed... she's much more exposed now that you two have become intimate so just be a bit more thoughtfull now with what you say. Express you have no regret for what happened because you've always had a special place for her. But you aren't worried because of how strong of a friendship you have that this is nothing.

You need to give her room on the subject of relation type intimacy between the two of you because you will only push her away even more. You need to occupy your mind with other things so you're not thinking of her 24/7. You will replay that night through your mind like a movie over and over again!

You want to recreate the unavailability that you naturally created before. She was pursuing you and it made her want you all the more. Now there is no more hunt, and she's no longer interested. Recreate a goal for her... for example

Jokingly: "You caught me a little drunk and off guard. It won't happen again. >:)"

MiQ steel your heart, yes I'm right there with you. We have emotions too but don't let them dictate your actions. Emotional men can be a huge turn off to certain types of women. There is something else at play, she pursued you. That "long time friend" is an excuse to spare your feelings. You need to reorientate to the MaleGender role because its slowly turning and that in itself may be the turn off.

In other words, right now she's sounding more like the guy in this scenario and yourself more like the female. (No disrespect intended).

I truly hope this situation works out in you, but please think twice about bringing a childhoold friendship to an end over this.

[UmbrellaBoy]

You have to make her comfortable with it. Have a talk. Tell her that you understand it's awkward, even taboo, to start thinking "that way" about someone she's probably thought of as a brother or whatever for so long. But, remind her, you're not her brother. A heterosexual male and female really cannot have that sort of relationship when there is mutual attraction, which their obviously is. Convince her that she is afraid of HER OWN feelings. It's not a lack of them on her part, or she wouldn't have brought you into her bed. They're there, you know that now, which means you have a lot to work with. She is trying to protect herself from her own attractions. Convince her she doesn't have to. Convince her that if you two work as really good friends, that's the number one important thing in a relationship. Tell her it makes no sense to expect life partnership from a stranger you meet and have sex with on the third date before you know anything at all, based on a physical chemistry that burns out after a few years. Rather, the deep emotional and mental connection you have really deserves a try as a relationship. However, that does require seeing each other in a new light, and cultivating the physical aspect. That, indeed, might be more awkward or less "natural" than with some new stranger one becomes infatuated with. But in reality, it's the better way. Physical attachments get built through actually doing it. Sort of like confidence, it's a "fake it till you make it" sort of thing. So tell her to give it a chance, that you think if you act LIKE a couple, you will start to get used to that script and start feeling like a couple. And whatever might be lacking in passion will get made up for in affection. Couples "reignite the spark" all the time deliberately in couple's therapy, because that's largely a mental thing regarding about how you think of someone. Lay down the law here: you deserve a chance just to try things, it's happened once already, what's the worst that happens? The friendship is already "ruined" at this point (trust me), the only way forward is to try it. What could happen? At worst, you "waste" half a year of your life, but at least you'll know you didn't miss something that could be really special. Overcoming the "uncomfortable" aspect of doing it with a friend takes a little work, maybe a little alcohol, but one CAN make that transition (because I've seen it done). You both just have to be mature and adult about it and willing to THINK differently.

[funsized]

I'm going through something similar! So sorry you are too.

 

I agree with a lot of what has been said. Maybe tell her that you understand it feels fast and ask if she'd be willing to start over and take things at a slower pace. Jumping from friends straight to a "relationship" may feel a little inauthentic, but perhaps if things progress at a more natural pace she would be more comfortable with it?

 

Try asking her out on a date. Get her used to the idea of seeing you in a different light (instead of just as her old friend).

 

I really hope things work out for you!