Bridesmaidzilla

[weeble78]

I’m going to try and cut a very long story short here.

 

Me: engaged for over a year, MoH best friend for over ten years.

 

Since engagement all I’ve heard is about how her BF hasn’t proposed and won’t have children with her.

 

She gets engaged several months ago to get married in 2 years’ time. Brings forward to 3 weeks before my wedding. Taking the wedding venue we wanted but couldnl’t have. Great – we now get to experience our dream wedding J She also says as she’s now going to be so busy I should let one of the other BM’s be MoH, then changes her mind when she realises she has nobody to plan her hen.

 

She then asks to see my dress, changes her dress to the same material, sash, hairstyle, chooses same bridesmaid dress, copies my decorations (asks me how to make everything I’ve done which I’ve shared since when I got engaged she hadn’t). She asks myself and FI to take rooms at her hotel for two nights which we can’t afford, then proceeds to ask several times in front of lots of people, then privately and then threatens to withdraw the offer of her room at my hotel which I’ve said is fine, no problem. She makes snide comments about the money my parents are putting in, and only talks about her wedding saying how stressed she is and it’s making her ill and how lucky I am to have a day off a week (as I condense my hours). She also counters this by making me book a week in advance to speak to her on the phone or says she’s too busy. But can somehow manage to speak to the other BM, who is helping in the middle of her finals bless her.

 

All of this – not my choice. Hers. I’ve accommodated her as far as I can money-wise, and have borrowed money to pay for her hen party.

 

Anyway, that’s the background. The real question here is that I have been asking her what she is booking for entertainment as she said she wanted to book a folk band the same as me, which you do folk dancing to. I booked this 9 months ago, and have said I’d prefer her not to book the same thing as I’ve never done one before. She won’t tell me who she has booked for a band, just that it’s family friendly and people of all ages will enjoy doing it.

 

My dilemma is that this band we have booked, me and FI have never done this type of thing before and were very excited about doing it for our wedding. I have thought about it day in and day out but I just cannot imagine it being special if we have done it 3 weeks prior. Basically I’m saying I don’t want to attend her wedding if she is also copying the band. It’s already going to look like my wedding (I obviously can’t tell FI about the dress but have told him about some other things and he is gutted). I’ve learned enough about my friend over the last few months to realise that she’s not really the friend I thought she was and therefore am happy to not have her in my life after the wedding. I can’t help but feel guilty that I don’t want to attend if she’s doing the same band though. Am I a bad person?

[Silly_Girl]

Friends are supposed to ENHANCE your life... bring joy and warmth.

 

She sounds like a nightmare. Honestly, in your shoes I'd have had a tantrum and told her to bugger off by now. This aside, is she generally a kind and nice person?

[weeble78]

She usually is yes, but has been spiteful over jealousy issues once or twice and can be selfish at times. My fiance said to me yesterday that i have spent too much time getting upset and worrying about her-and i realise he's right.

[TaraMaiden]

She's an emotional leech/vampire.

 

Look it up - they drain your emotional life-blood, invade your every thought and dominate your energy until they sap it.

 

There is a remedy, a 'silver bullet', a 'stake through the heart'.....

 

Positivity.

 

Counter every depressing negative thing they say, with an equally (and more so) UPLIFTING and POSITIVE thing about you.

 

Then immediately change the subject to what you want to talk about.

 

I've 'killed' two emotional vampires this way.

 

God, it feels good to see them drop out of your life!

 

And they do this themselves - they extract themselves, because they can't stand the bright light!!

[tbf]

Friends should be supporting each other in their times of need and special occasions. Neither one of you is being very supportive, too focused on your thing. While weddings can be stressful, step back and take a deep breath. Is getting angry at her over her flightiness and copy cat ways worth severing a long-time friendship over?

 

Once your wedding day has passed, you may find your perception to be a little more clear since the stress is gone. If you still feel angry with her, then speak calmly to her about it. Unfortunately, she'll now become the bridezilla who's stressed out, so I'm uncertain if even this would be a good idea.

[weeble78]

Thanks for your reply. I do think I've been as supportive as possible. I have helped organise her hen when she says she might be too busy to attend mine, she has no interest in my wedding other than how to do it in hers, she won't chat on the phone unless she wants something, not one of her friends will reply to my emails or her family so I've had to plan her hen with no input from anybody else. The list goes on. I feel like she doesn't care about me as a friend as I've received no support back from her, and this has upset me. Itvhas upset my fiance too, and she offended my parents with her money comments and they have known her since she was young. I've taken a loan out to make sure things are covered for her wedding and I've put in time emailingvher ideas to help and contacting her friends and organising her weekend. And its still not enough for her.

[Radu]

She's an emotional leech/vampire.

 

Look it up - they drain your emotional life-blood, invade your every thought and dominate your energy until they sap it.

 

There is a remedy, a 'silver bullet', a 'stake through the heart'.....

 

Positivity.

 

Counter every depressing negative thing they say, with an equally (and more so) UPLIFTING and POSITIVE thing about you.

 

Then immediately change the subject to what you want to talk about.

 

I've 'killed' two emotional vampires this way.

 

God, it feels good to see them drop out of your life!

 

And they do this themselves - they extract themselves, because they can't stand the bright light!!

 

I love this.

I had a few of these, and found no way to deal with them outside of cutting them out of my life.

[weeble78]

Ditto-great analogy Hard in practice though, and feels very strange to see such a weird side of her character I've never seen before.

[Buttercup84]

I am sorry ! I am a MOH for my friend, been single for two years and could never do that. She even says I am too in her face.

 

She seems very unhappy and wants to "win" the wedding and proove to herself that she is happy.

[weeble78]

Can anyone else help with the question of whether i should suck up the band on her day or not?

[TaraMaiden]

Ditto-great analogy Hard in practice though, and feels very strange to see such a weird side of her character I've never seen before.

 

It's only hard in practice because you've never done it.

Once you do it, once - it becomes very easy.

 

And no - don't 'suck up the band' on her day.

contact the band organiser.

Ask them if they've been also booked for her wedding.

If they have, tell her you have found another (better!) band, and tell her all about it!

 

(Pick a name, any name....)

 

She may re-book.... then keep with YOUR original booking!

Edited April 30, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[weeble78]

What it is is it's a certain type of folk dance that I'm trying not to be too specific on here. The folk dancing is booked for the entire evening and is the mainstay of our celebrations. She may not have booked the same band, but if she has made the focus of her wedding the same as mine, I feel like it will take away from our celebrations as it is something we've never done before and have planned the wedding around it.

 

That being said, I am trying to find out what she has booked. When I spoke with her (the one time face to face throughout the last few months as she keeps promising to come up here but lets me down the day before) it was the one thing she asked me about and I said how big a deal it was for our wedding and I would prefer not to do it a few weeks before as it would spoil the surprise for us.

 

This is why I feel like I'm being a bridezilla - I don't mind about all the rest of the details, but this band is such a big part of the wedding I'd be gutted if my wedding was the re-run - my fiance feels the same. I feel like I'm being petty but I really only get one chance to do this.

[melodymatters]

Contact the band and ask them point blank if they will be performing " At the Hilton Gardens on July 7th". Explain that you have already booked them and that you have no intention of canceling the gig, but that the information will help you personally to decide whether you attend this particular wedding three weeks before your own as you don't want to spoil the novelty.

 

Can't see why they wouldn't give you that info, and if so, your friend is a MAJOR jerk, forget her !

[pink_sugar]

Yeesh and I thought having the same wedding dress as my SIL was bad. After we were both married (2 years after my wedding, 3 years after hers) I got the same dress as her to wear to a photo shoot. She found the photos later and was mad, but got over it later on. (She was also a bridesmaid). It's not like I wore the same dress to my wedding a year after hers or copied her entire wedding. Our weddings were both 100% different. Hers was in a church...mine was on the lake etc. Your friend sounds like a piece of work. You obviously cannot do anything about her copying you. Look at it as a form of flattery and if it bothers you, do not continue including her in your wedding or let her know anything further about the details of your wedding to get her hands on.

Edited April 30, 2013 by pink_sugar

[weeble78]

I've already changed my hairstyle, bridesmaids hair and dress accessories because of her. This is why im upset. Im having to change things i wanted and things I've spent the last year putting together. Its like her wedding is more important than me.

[weeble78]

Seriously, why would a girl do this to a friend?

[Silly_Girl]

Seriously, why would a girl do this to a friend?

 

I get you feel that way. Does SHE see it that way? If she read the thread would she have any real grasp of your feelings, or would her take on things be very different...?

[weeble78]

How else might she see it? Am i being a bridezilla?!

[Got it]

You can't control what she is doing/acting and only yourself. So you can't force her tell you what she is doing in regards to the band. But you can decide if you want to attend her wedding, be in the bridal party or be friends with her.

 

Personally, I would cut her loose, not go to her wedding, and proceed how you want to. With friends like that who needs enemies!

[weeble78]

Thanks for your response. That's been the whole problem - it's up to her what she wants, and it's why I've stayed quiet as her wedding choices are nothing to do with me. But there has to be some point I get to make a decision which is going to stop spoiling my wedding plans. And I think that point is going to be this band. Bascially I'm thinking of continuing with the wedding (as I'd feel too nasty for not going) and leaving after the ceremony or when the band starts. That way I will still be fulfilling my commitment but preserving mine and my fiance's feelings.

[Silly_Girl]

How else might she see it? Am i being a bridezilla?!

 

How else do you THINK she might see it?

 

I don't think it would be hard to imagine what she could say... That you two happen to have similar ideas about things, that she absolutely isn't trying to sabotage anything or hurt you.

 

I'm not suggesting you're being a bridezilla, just wondering how the conversation might go between the 2 of you, were you to have it.

[weeble78]

Well there's going to be a conversation after her hen party as I'm going to ask her outright about the band, but it will end with her kicking off.

 

When I said I was a little upset that she'd changed her mind about being maid of honour I got bombarded with angry texts saying I'd gone behind her back talking with another bridesmaid about the hen do (she'd arranged to come up on 3 separate occasions but not turned up at the last minute every time claiming illness, and the last time I saw on facebook she'd been out visiting friends so she can't have been that ill). She also said that she was sorry but it couldn't all be about me, she sarcastically said she didn't want to cause me stress by asking me to have anything to do with her wedding, and she said that it was obviously meant to be so it's not her fault.

 

After all this texting I said we should chat on the phone as it wasn't getting us anywhere. So we did. And she cried and apologised saying she'd been jealous that I'd spoken to another bridesmaid about the hen party (I even told my other bridesmaid that MoH wanted to do the mainstay of the planning, and let MoH know that I'd made that clear).

 

For her wedding I have helped her search for a band, given her hairstyle ideas, sourced her jewellery and hair accessories, given her the venue price details, contacted all her friends and family on numerous occasions (although been ignored), organised the riding activity for her hen party, bought alcohol, sashes, games for the hen, made a book for her full of old photographs and things, written a Mr & Mrs quiz (that her fiance refused to reply to), written dares and campsite rules. Blah blah blah, the list goes on. I have spent time on this girl.

 

In return, I have had the responses I've written previously from her.

 

So by my thinking right now, the response I will get from her will be similar - defensive and angry. Unfortunately this time I'm not going to absorb any more crap or nasty comments and whatever gets said I will take my leave and disappear, so I can eliminate this negativity from my own wedding.

 

I've got my own hen in a month which I haven't even started planning apart from contacting people to let them know the date.

 

I've just been left feeling walked over and stupid. Like me and my wedding don't matter. I'm throwing a pity party, and maybe it's the wedding stress too - but **** it, I'm sad.

[Silly_Girl]

Yep. Get shot of her. I am not sure if I'd do myself the disservice of any form of showdown, I'd cease all contact with immediate effect. You've got better things to focus on.

[pink_sugar]

Well there's going to be a conversation after her hen party as I'm going to ask her outright about the band, but it will end with her kicking off.

 

When I said I was a little upset that she'd changed her mind about being maid of honour I got bombarded with angry texts saying I'd gone behind her back talking with another bridesmaid about the hen do (she'd arranged to come up on 3 separate occasions but not turned up at the last minute every time claiming illness, and the last time I saw on facebook she'd been out visiting friends so she can't have been that ill). She also said that she was sorry but it couldn't all be about me, she sarcastically said she didn't want to cause me stress by asking me to have anything to do with her wedding, and she said that it was obviously meant to be so it's not her fault.

 

After all this texting I said we should chat on the phone as it wasn't getting us anywhere. So we did. And she cried and apologised saying she'd been jealous that I'd spoken to another bridesmaid about the hen party (I even told my other bridesmaid that MoH wanted to do the mainstay of the planning, and let MoH know that I'd made that clear).

 

For her wedding I have helped her search for a band, given her hairstyle ideas, sourced her jewellery and hair accessories, given her the venue price details, contacted all her friends and family on numerous occasions (although been ignored), organised the riding activity for her hen party, bought alcohol, sashes, games for the hen, made a book for her full of old photographs and things, written a Mr & Mrs quiz (that her fiance refused to reply to), written dares and campsite rules. Blah blah blah, the list goes on. I have spent time on this girl.

 

In return, I have had the responses I've written previously from her.

 

So by my thinking right now, the response I will get from her will be similar - defensive and angry. Unfortunately this time I'm not going to absorb any more crap or nasty comments and whatever gets said I will take my leave and disappear, so I can eliminate this negativity from my own wedding.

 

I've got my own hen in a month which I haven't even started planning apart from contacting people to let them know the date.

 

I've just been left feeling walked over and stupid. Like me and my wedding don't matter. I'm throwing a pity party, and maybe it's the wedding stress too - but **** it, I'm sad.

 

She has some major issues, I'm sure part of it is wedding stress, but she is being immature and petty. If being in each others weddings is causing you this much grief, you should each do your own thing and not attend each other's weddings.