Questions on a 3 year relationship, having a break and No Contact

[Urban Rubble]

Hello. I've been browsing this site for the past few days, you guys have helped me a bit and I haven't even posted yet. Thanks.

 

So, my girlfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We got together at 18 and now I'm 22, she turns 22 in a month. The past 3 years have been great, she is the most perfect girl in the world for me. We rarely fight, we never played any of the typical headgames couples play, we're both very different from most people but we fit together so perfect. Up until 5 days ago I knew that we'd be married in a couple years. Well, 5 days ago we were talking on the phone and she laid it on me. She told me that she needs a break from us, that dreaded "space" monster is on her back. I didn't take it well. I didn't yell and try to get her back, but I did cry alot and tried to say all that I could. She told me that since it's her last year of school, she needs to do well, make up some credits and concentrate on work (her part time delivery job). She then said that she thinks it would be too hard for us to talk, much less see each other, if only for awhile. I asked her if I could come up and talk to her face to face, she said that she didn't think that was a good idea, she said we'll talk in a few days. So, the next morning I wasn't doing well, just totally wrecked, so I called her. We talked for awhile longer. First, I made it clear that everything she says to me has to be honest, do not cushion the blow, because that will just make it harder. She truly doesn't want to hurt me anymore than she has to, so I think she will comply. I asked her if she sees us getting back together, she said yes. I asked her if she still loves me, she says yes. She said that she would be here on Wednesday (tommorrow) so we could talk and get everything straight. I tried not to call, but I did yesterday. We talked for about 15 minutes, just casual stuff about her new apartment, school and all that. At the end I asked her what this is, is it something where we're still committed and just taking a break, or are we seperated and deciding what we (she) wants ? She said she thinks we're seeing what we want. That killled me. Anyway, we're supposed to talk tommorrow and I should have most of the answers I need, before that I need to ask some questions.

 

1. I know that I can't show her how totally devestated I am. I have to be strong, she has to see me back to normal, if not now, eventually. However, I don't want to be too strong, I want her to understand how much I love her and want her back. What do I do ? How much of my hand do I show ? I'm going to try my best not to cry and all that nonsense, but how much do I tell her ? I'm willing to wait on her for a very long time, but I don't want that to be a free pass for her to use me as a safety net. How do I handle this ?

 

2.I need advice on no contact. After we talk tommorrow, do I stop calling ? I don't want to "pursue" her and make her feel like I'm doing nothing but trying to get her back, but I also want to keep in touch. It seems like if this is going to work out that we have to stay in some kind of contact. Is it O.K to call her every now and then and just talk about our lives (not the break) or should I just stop calling for awhile ? Her birthday is in a month, do I get her anything ? She says she still wants to see each other sometimes, so, if she'll allow me, do I take her out on her birthday for dinner or something ? I'm really confused on this no contact thing, I can't imagine that cutting all contact can help get us back together. Is the key to just be there and not pursue or is the key to not be there at all ?

 

3. I haven't been able to talk to her much and that kills me, so I've been writing. A year or so ago she kept a journal for a few months of things that she felt about me, if she thought about me that day she wrote it. I always loved that and meant to do the same for her, but never did. So, what I did was go through the journal I've kept for myself the last few years and copied down a couple pages worth of entries that deal with our relationship. Most of it is really sappy "I love her so much" type stuff, it's also just my perspective on alot of the times we've had, vacations and stuff. She also wrote me a list of qulaities about myself that she liked (in the journal she gave me) so I did the same, I wrote a list of everything I love about her. I also wrote a long letter to her. The letter started by telling her to be honest with me, tell me what I want, and use this time to focus on what she needs to get straight. It ends with about a page of me telling her how I fell, how much I love her and how important these 3 years have been. I also included alot of stuff about how I want her back, eventually, how I feel that we're perfect for each other and that she can have me back when she wants me.

 

What I need to know is, do I give her these things ? The sappy journal entries, the list of qualities and the letter, do I give them to her ? I want her to know how I feel, I want her to have something that tells her how I feel when I'm not there, BUT, I don't want to seem pathetic, desperate or that I'm mounring for her ?

 

So please, any advice would be great, whether you answer my questions or not, anything that you can say would be helpful. It's a fine line to walk, I need her to know exactly how I feel but I'm trying to play it somewhat cool. She's gone from being the only person I could talk to, to being the only person I have to guard my feelings around. This is hell.

[Urban Rubble]

For some reason this thing won't let me edit my post. I forgot one thing. The day after she told me all this and I called her, she changed her tune a little. The night she told me she said that she didn't think we should talk or see each other, which I mentioned, what I forgot to mention is the fact that when we talked the next day she said that she was wrong, that would be too hard and that we should talk and see each other sometimes. I just thought that was an important point, as the post above stands it makes it sound like she told me she doesn't want to talk and I'm trying to figure out if I should call, it's not that. She said she wants to talk. So, is it healthy to talk casually or should we not talk at all ?

[backspn]

I'll have more for you later...in the middle of homework right now. Anyways, I wouldnt give her anything....keep it.....keep your integrity.....she'll appreciate it later. She knows how you feel, you told her and you were crying....she knows. Give her the space she wants....which means no contact for a while....thats what she wamted. From my experience it is best to give it too her and then some. My advice for now is you have said your peace now give it time. Start doing your own thing. There was a reason why she needed space. Whatever space she needs...double it. If she wants to talk once a week...then talk to once every other week...but dont ignore her! If she calls you then anwser....but this is important....you hang up first. She has to know that this could be a big mistake on her part and if you're just hanging around then she is not missing you. Trust me on this!!! Me and my girl split up in April and we have talked almost everyday since then. She does not miss me and takes me for granted. I have started to remedy this by initiating contact. The reason I am giving her is that I need space. She needed it before and now I need it now for myself. When you are doing your own thing and not looking all clingy....that is when you become most desireable and that is when you will get your chance. I would guess that this NC could take anywhere from 3 to 6 weeks before she will feel the loss of you. Anytime sooner and it wont hit her that she just lost a good guy. I know you are hurting because I was where you were 6 months ago and I wish I started NC then.....I would have her back now. When I first came onto this site people gave me advice and I didnt follow it for 2 reasons. 1) I thought I knew better and 2) I didnt know better. Take my advice and give her lots of space....she'll come back to you. I wish you the best.

[backspn]

Dont see her or talk to her. This is very important right now. Give her some space...maybe 2 weeks or something...see how you feel then. When she asks.....tell her that she wanted space. She wont be mad...trust me.

[Merin]

Ugh! I'm so sorry....

 

You know I want to be honest with you here...... It sounds like your girlfriend is wanting to see what else is out there for her. You've been together since the two of you were 18 years old, and it sounds to me that she is wanting to spread her wings a little and maybe date other people.

 

Again, I'm so sorry, it's very obvious this is really hurting you.

 

When you spoke and she first told you she thought it better that the two of not talk or see each other any more, I think she meant it.... however don't think for a minute that she isn't scared just like you are and that is more than likely why she said the following day that it would be okay for thet two of you to still talk or see each other on occasion. You know even if you are the one who is ending the relationship especially one that has lasted as long as yours has, it still hurts to let go and it is still scary because she probably questions somewhat if she is making the right decision.

 

I don't believe this is a decision she made on the spur of the moment.... rather it is something she has thought about for awhile and has come to the conclusion that it is whats best for her at this time.

 

From what you've said it doesn't sound like she is telling you she wants a "break" but rather she wants to break-up.... so at this point as hard as it is for you, I really think that you're going to have to respect her wishes.

 

Do what you feel you'll be okay with when you see her..... do what you feel you can while keeping your dignity. I wouldn't recommend giving her a lot of letters that are in a way meant to inspire guilt on her part..... if you want to give her a letter telling her that when or if she decides that she misses you and wants to try again to please not hesitate to contact you,then I think you should do that.

 

No contact..... i'm not going to lie, it's hard. However know this as well..... you don't and shouldn't need to keep "reminding" her that you're an awesome person (because you are) you don't and shouldn't need to "remind" her that she misses you (because she will) when someone cares about you REALLY cares and they love you..... you do not leave thier heart and thier mind that easily.

 

Try to keep it together..... keep your dignity intact and keep busy with your friends and other things that help keep your mind busy.

 

[Urban Rubble]

Thanks for the speedy replies guys.

 

Dont see her or talk to her. This is very important right now. Give her some space...maybe 2 weeks or something...see how you feel then. When she asks.....tell her that she wanted space. She wont be mad...trust me.

 

So do you mean I shouldn't talk to her tommorrow ? Well, I have to because there are still alot of unresolved questions, I need to figure things out before I can be in any way healed.

 

You know I want to be honest with you here...... It sounds like your girlfriend is wanting to see what else is out there for her. You've been together since the two of you were 18 years old, and it sounds to me that she is wanting to spread her wings a little and maybe date other people.

 

I agree, eventhough it kills me to. However, it isn't like this is her first relationship. She's had 3 previous relationships throughout high school and a few sexual partners. She says she just needs to focus on school, but I'm sure that can't be all of it. I just can't imagine that she is willing to do this because she wants to meet other people and see what it's like.

 

I don't believe this is a decision she made on the spur of the moment.... rather it is something she has thought about for awhile and has come to the conclusion that it is whats best for her at this time.

 

Funny you should say that becuse I have a question concerning that that I forgot to ask. She told me she has been thinking about this for a month or two. But, just 2 weeks before we broke up I remember a conversation we were having, it had to do with something we were going to do after we got married, I don't remember what. So, if she was talking about marriage like it's nothing just 2 weeks ago, how can she have felt like that for so long ? Am I wrong to be optimistic about that fact ?

 

From what you've said it doesn't sound like she is telling you she wants a "break" but rather she wants to break-up.... so at this point as hard as it is for you, I really think that you're going to have to respect her wishes.

 

Well, I've gotten mixed messages. She HAS said more than once that this is a break, but I get the impression it's more serious than that. I'm not sure, I get a different perspective on it each time we've talked. I'm not sure if it's my natural pessimism or if it's really over.

 

As for the letters, do you really think I shouldn't give them to her ? I mean, I"m honestly not trying to inspire guilt, I just want her to have a reminder if how I feel when she starts to doubt it. So is that a no go ? Will explaining how much I love her seem pathetic ? I though girls liked that kind of stuff. I mean, she does have a letter from about 6 months ago saying alot of those things, but still.

[backspn]

Tell you the truth...you wont get any answers from her...not real truthful ones anyways. Dont go there. Trust me and be the man here and dont question it. It will make you look SO good in her eyes to be strong. Give her some time. Hang with friends and family and give her space. She wants it but she still wants to talk to you also.....she cant have both and its not fair to you. I say you can talk to her tomorrow but your talk should be about giving YOU space right now. You can also tell her that you love her and you always will. You can also tell her that when she is ready that you think that you two can try again. Give her the space she requested. She will understand and not be mad at you. You can do whatever you want and this is just advice but I would recommend to hear what other people are telling you. The sooner you let her go the sooner you will get her back. I have been where you are in the last 6 months so I know where you are. My girl said the EXACT same thing to me and I hung on and I am now just healing. If I would have listened to the others then I would be healed already. Trust me on this....this will be THE hardest thing you will ever do but if you do this right you will be with again. Do with this what you will....I wish you the best.

 

Quote:

But, just 2 weeks before we broke up I remember a conversation we were having, it had to do with something we were going to do after we got married, I don't remember what. So, if she was talking about marriage like it's nothing just 2 weeks ago, how can she have felt like that for so long ? Am I wrong to be optimistic about that fact ?

 

We talked about the same thing and we even set a date. Dont know what to tell ya. Hang in there and the best will happen. either way you'll be a better person cause of her. We were together for 3 yrs and I like to think that love just doesnt die that quickly....she still cares for ya and you'll get another shot.....if you want it when you get it.

[Weird]

my situation was sorta similar. Young girl (22) at end of school and said she needed space and time to concentrate on school. I took it bad, tried to resolve things and only ended up pushign her farther away until one day we had a big fight and it seemed like that was the last time we would ever talk. Note that at this time she had changed from when we were together. This was over a year ago and I knew one day she'd regret all the nasty stuff she said to me. Sure enough a few days ago she contacted me and apologized for it and she admitted in the last year she has wanted to do that and she admitted some other stuff. She says that right now she can't do a relationship because she is super busy with stuff and can't put in the effort but I think she is just scared. There is the chance she doesn't have any of those feelings anymore but from the way she says stuff and from her actions I think she does. The best is she wants us to hang as friends (she wanted this before the huge fight) now and I've always felt that wouldn't work. But after seeing ehr i decided I woudl try it out cuz there really wasn't a downside for me. What is funny is that so far she doesn't seem all that open and I doubt she will make the effort to hang out like SHE said she wants to. Most likely she has feelings or if she doesnt is afraid she will get them back. All I know is she has a week to start acting more normal with me or I am not gonna do this.

 

Will we get back together in the future? I don't know but I honestly think she knows I am the one for her.

 

As for you, I suggest no contact and don't go down the path I did by pressing issues and trying to get them resolved. Not only will it make things worse you will feel like a dumbass afterward just like I did in late 2003 after I thought about things. Chances are she'll regret her choice with you and want back. Will she be full out direct and honest with you or will she be like my ex and sorta play games? I dunno but it probably won't hurt to find out.

[Merin]

Yes honestly I really wouldn't give her all the letters and stuff... girls do like that kind of stuff when they are WITH that person, not when they are trying to break things off.... and you know I really do think that although you feel like you want to give them to her right now, it would be a decision you regret later because I honestly don't believe it is going to change anything, make her see the light, or give her something to think about.... in the end I think it would only make you feel like a dumbass for pouring your heart out only to have her stomp on it.

 

She already knows how you feel. She knows this is killing you and hurting so much. Don't put it in writing for her as well... as I said if you wish to give her a letter that says simply that if or when there comes a time that she wants to try again that you're not against the idea... that is fine. It still leaves the door open that you would "consider" taking her back but it also doesn't give her the indication that you're going to be waiting with baited breath for her to do this.

 

Even though the two of you had a conversation regarding long term plans (marriage) doesn't mean this hasn't been on her mind... and in some ways it could be those talks that got her thinking to begin with IF this is what she really wants for her life, see what i'm saying?

 

Again I say that you don't need to remind her that you're awesome or that she is going to miss you a lot... tiempo my friend... time will show her that.

 

Keep your head up;)

[Urban Rubble01]

Well, this board wouldn't let me post anymore after my last one. I tried activating my account but I just won't let me and I couldn't post anymore under the other account, so I started a new one. Hopefully the admins aren't pissed.

 

backspn

 

Thanks for the advice man. As far as not getting truthful answers, well, I've got to ask. It's killing me, there is too much unresolved that I need to know, so I have to at least try. I'm not going to grovel and beg her to tell me what went wrong, I'm just going to ask her what she see's us as, where this is going, what she needs, all that. I'm going to make it clear that I'll be O.K and that she just needs to use this time to figure out what she needs. I'll ask if there was anything I did, but I won't push it too hard. I'm going to try not to make this an argument, just a talk to get us straight so I can start healing. Sound good ?

 

Weird

 

So after a year she contacted you again ? Had you guys been talking or was it just out of the blue ?

 

God, I don't know how I can go a year not knowing if we'll ever get back together. The thought of that makes me sick. I just wish that I knew, either she was done and we're over or that this is just a temporary thing and that in a year or whatever we'll be O.K. I just wish I knew.

 

Merin2

 

Yes honestly I really wouldn't give her all the letters and stuff... girls do like that kind of stuff when they are WITH that person, not when they are trying to break things off.... and you know I really do think that although you feel like you want to give them to her right now, it would be a decision you regret later because I honestly don't believe it is going to change anything, make her see the light, or give her something to think about.... in the end I think it would only make you feel like a dumbass for pouring your heart out only to have her stomp on it.

 

Yeah, you're probably right. I guess I just feel like I wasn't open and honest enough when we were together. I mean, I tell her I love her everyday and she knows it, but I didn't do enough to really pour my heart out and make her feel special. I wrote her a letter about 6 months ago when we were dealing with some stuff that really said how I feel, but I just wish I could tell her again. I know, I won't, I shouldn't show her how much I'm hurt and how much I NEED her back. It's just hard, I want her to know it's killing me but I guess it's a bad idea to show it.

 

But to be clear, I didn't want to give it to her to change anything, just to let her know how I feel.

 

Even though the two of you had a conversation regarding long term plans (marriage) doesn't mean this hasn't been on her mind... and in some ways it could be those talks that got her thinking to begin with IF this is what she really wants for her life, see what i'm saying?

 

Oh yeah, I know that. I know that she's been thinking about this for at least a month. What I was trying to say is that, since I KNOW she's had these thoughts for at least a month, is it a good sign that 2 weeks ago, while she was wanting a break, that she was still thinking of marriage ? I mean, I'm trying to understand whether she wants us to be over or to really have a break, it just seems like if she wanted it to truly be over for the last month that she wouldn't have talked like that.

 

I know that my situation isn't unique and that most people go through this, I just can't help but feel that I'm somehow a special case. I know this is what everyone says, but I just feel like we're so perfect for her and that I'll never find something nearly as good. Im worried that if it doesn't work out that I'll have to settle for a lesser girl in the future. The thing is, we've knwn each other for about 8 years. We were friends in middle and high school. In high school she was the hot cheerleader that everyone wanted, I was the dirty skater that nobody talked to. I had a crush on her forever and then after I had dropped out, during her last year, we finally hooked up and then started a relationship. I just felt that I had waited so long for her, she was so perfect, that this was it, we'd never be apart. I always felt like I was lucky to have her because she is SOOO out of my league. Now, my worst fears have been confirmed, I WAS just lucky and she finally realized she can do better. Girls as hot as her don't talk to me, and if they do, they're usually not the kind of people I can stand to be in a room with, much less date. She was the perfect girl, too beautiful for me, yet she wasn't a bimbo, she was smart, cool, she didn't care about "image", she just loved to be with me. Now that I've lost her (probably) I know that I'm never going to get someone like that again. Which kills me. She has ruined my for all other women because she was too perfect. Maybe I'll just have to be a lifetime bachelor, this kind of pain is not worth going through again, unless perhaps it was for her.

 

Maybe that should be my new motto, If a girl who is perfect and out of your league likes you, don't take her, she'll realize her mistake eventually and you'll never find another girl so good.

 

I just feel like it's inevitable that if I want another relationship, I'm going to have to settle for less than her.

[Merin]

Sweetheart, you would be "settling" in staying with someone who isn't 110% into YOU!

 

You percieved that she was out of your league... don't be so hard on yourself, IF this was REALLY the case trust me the relationship wouldn't have lasted as long as it had. It wasn't an "accident" or a "slow week" for her. She was with YOU because YOU'RE an awesome person! She thought YOU were attractive. She liked spending her time with YOU.

 

This could've (and probably would've) happened even if she had gone a different route in high school and hooked up with the most popular guy in school.... because this isn't about YOU, this right now is about HER.

 

She wants some time to spread her wings and look around.... while I know that hurts you a lot, this really hasn't anything to do with YOU personally... as dumb as that sounds.

 

You can't go about life looking at people who IF given a chance to be with you will "come to thier senses" and leave you. You know she was lucky too, lucky enough to have found someone that really cares about her, and has made a impact in her life.

 

Time, time, time.... Give yourself a break okay? STOP beating up on yourself, or i'm going to whip your a**! You don't know what will happen in the next few months.... anything is possible.

[Weird]

Originally posted by Urban Rubble01

 

Weird

 

So after a year she contacted you again ? Had you guys been talking or was it just out of the blue ?

 

God, I don't know how I can go a year not knowing if we'll ever get back together. The thought of that makes me sick. I just wish that I knew, either she was done and we're over or that this is just a temporary thing and that in a year or whatever we'll be O.K. I just wish I knew.

 

 

Yep, we had actually 16 or so months of no contact (well except for at xmas we talked online for a couple mins) and then after I lured her out (I knew she wanted to talk to me as she was sending me some signals that I wont bore you with the details of) to contact me and she did.

 

I love her and all but I will say I didn't go all that time sobbing over things and everything. Yeah I thought about her every day and thought about how it'd be ncie to hook up again down the line btu I just lived my life being signel and having fun with my friends.

 

I used to be the other way after we stopped talking. I was a wreck and everything and wondered so much what would happen but near the end of last year I just realized I am not going to let one human being and a funked up situation control my life. I have no diea what will happen with us. Maybe we will never have anything happen again, maybe we will just have some mini friendship (I dont think exes can ever have a true friendship like they do with non exes) or maybe we won't continue to talk. I don't know nor am I going to worry myself into a heart attack thinking about the possibilities. Whatever happens, happens. The situation is out of my hands.

 

Oh and quit acting like you were not good enough for this girl. I did that guilt thing. It sucks and in due time you'll look back and regret it and realize you are a damn good person especially to her and it is her loss/decision to regret.

 

I still think she will contact you sometime down the line. She'll get curious no matter what she truly feels.

 

If you want someone to talk about this more in detail feel free to pm me with your MSN or AOL or whatever IM handle. I'll chat with you and give my advice and support.

[Urban Rubble01]

O.K. So, we've had the talk that I've been waiting for.

 

It actually went really well, I'm scaring myself because I feel alot better, I'm just scared of relapsing if it doesn't work out.

 

She came over and we talked for about an hour. Even though I'd already said this more than once, I started by telling her that if she cares about me at all and is worried about hurting me that she'll be completely truthful. She basically just confirmed what she's been saying all along. She really does still love me, she says she feels as good about me now as she did a year ago. She told me that she can't promise anything, but that she truly sees us back together after some time and that all this is about is focusing on school and being on her own a bit. I asked if she feels like she needs to go out and see whats out there and all that, she said that it's not about that and even if it was she wouldn't have time because she is so behind in school. She said it isn't about wanting another guy, it's about not wanting any guy for the moment (she then said she knows how harsh that sounds). She re-assured me that I am still important to her, said that I make her happy. I got through it fairly well, I didn't really cry, though tears did come to my eyes quite a bit. We even laughed at a few different points. She doesn't seem cold or like she feels different, she really made me feel like it's just about getting some space and time alone. I'm trying not to get my hopes up and am still preparing for the worst, but I do feel so much better. Do you think that this is common or is this all a good sign ? Again, I refuse to put too much faith in it working out, but damn, she just seemed like she really wants it to work. She held my hand, tried to make me feel as good as possible, but laid out what she needs. Space to be on her own a bit, time to focus on school and for me to not worry about it too much. She said that I should get out more and use this time to have fun and be with my friends. I didn't want to ask this, but I did, I asked if there was anything that I had done to push her away. She said no, that there wasn't. I told her how I was just re-running everything that I did wrong in my head, she told me to stop that because I've been perfect, I've been all she needs and that she has been completely happy with me, she just needs this time to be by herself. When she left she gave me a hug, told me that she loves me and not to worry about it too much. She gave me a quick peck and that was that. I'm going to try not to call her for 2 weeks, maybe 3. When I do, I'm not going to talk about "us", just see what's up with her. Her birthday is October 24, I was thinking that I will ask her if she wants to go out and get something to eat around then, is that too soon ? Nothing serious, just a meal.

 

I don't know, I feel alot better but that scares me. I don't want this to all come crashing back down. I guess all I can do is to keep some hope, but don't put all my faith in it. I have to just let her do what she's going to do, be there for her and see what happens.

 

I appreciate all of your help alot, and I'll probably need more, so thanks. It's great to know that in this ****ed (are we allowed to swear) up world there are total strangers willing to go out of their way to help a guy get through some stuff. I appreciate that. If there is anything you guys need I'll do what I can to help.

 

 

 

I used to be the other way after we stopped talking. I was a wreck and everything and wondered so much what would happen but near the end of last year I just realized I am not going to let one human being and a funked up situation control my life. I have no diea what will happen with us. Maybe we will never have anything happen again, maybe we will just have some mini friendship (I dont think exes can ever have a true friendship like they do with non exes) or maybe we won't continue to talk. I don't know nor am I going to worry myself into a heart attack thinking about the possibilities. Whatever happens, happens. The situation is out of my hands.

 

Yeah, that's what I'm going to have to do. I know that she really wants it to work, but neither one of us can be sure that it will, no matter how much we love each other. I'm won't give up on her, but I can't have the mindset that it's only a matter of time until she's in my arms again. I just need to enjoy life and see what happens.

 

Oh and quit acting like you were not good enough for this girl. I did that guilt thing. It sucks and in due time you'll look back and regret it and realize you are a damn good person especially to her and it is her loss/decision to regret.

 

Well, I'm not trying to do the guilt thing, but at the same time, I know my "league". As far as personality goes, we're perfect, there is no two people more perfect together. BUT, she is just so beautiful. I'm not selling myself short, I know I'm a reasonably attractive guy, but she is big time. I'm sitting around 7, she's at least a 9. Heh, that's so shallow. But really, I'd post a pic if that's allowed here, I don't know if it is. You'll say, "Damn, what's that model doing with the homeless guy?" =) Well, maybe not that bad.

 

But no, I know I'm a great guy, a "catch" if you will. If she doesn't come back it won't be because we weren't compatible.

 

If you want someone to talk about this more in detail feel free to pm me with your MSN or AOL or whatever IM handle. I'll chat with you and give my advice and support.

 

Yeah, I may take you up on that sometime. I don't use MSN or AOL, but my E-mail is [email protected]. (not UrbanRubble01, that's just one I used because my other account wouldn't work). If I need someone to talk with I'll probably find you somehow. You're in for it now !

 

Thanks guys.

[backspn]

You and I have almost the exact same story Rubble. Its almost funny how close it is. We talked and she said that she still loved me(although she never says it now...she just assumes I know) and she asked me if I would wait for her. I told her that I didnt know but I would try. Although all this happened over the phone and I have only seen her once in the last 6 months(she came over and said hi then we hugged for what seemed an eternity...it was good) and now she is not calling me back after I didnt call her last week. I guess this is going to be a waiting game for me....sad its come down to this. Most of the days I have true love for her but today I am just angry at her for how selfish she is. Being mad is a good step to moving on. I still want to be with her and if she calls me first then we will talk. The NC doesnt mean avoiding her....it just means talking to her way less than you usually do. But you cant call her...she has to call you. If you need any advice just PM me and I'll help....you are in the EXACT same thing I was in 6 months ago. Be careful though that she doesnt lead you on...she could be using you as a safety net til she finds some other guy to be with. I know this sounds really harsh but girls do this. Just remember that you will get her back but it will take a long time......I would say 6 months at the earliest but probably about a year apart. Good luck

[Urban Rubble01]

You and I have almost the exact same story Rubble. Its almost funny how close it is. We talked and she said that she still loved me(although she never says it now...she just assumes I know) and she asked me if I would wait for her. I told her that I didnt know but I would try. Although all this happened over the phone and I have only seen her once in the last 6 months(she came over and said hi then we hugged for what seemed an eternity...it was good) and now she is not calling me back after I didnt call her last week. I guess this is going to be a waiting game for me....sad its come down to this. Most of the days I have true love for her but today I am just angry at her for how selfish she is. Being mad is a good step to moving on. I still want to be with her and if she calls me first then we will talk.

 

That's rough man. You just can't even describe how bad it really is you know ?

 

Well, I don't really have any choice but to wait it out and see what happens. I mean, I know this would all be easier if it had been a "messy" breakup, like one of us cheated, that way I'd know it was over. This way I'm just out there, waiting. It hurts more that way, but what we had was too important to me to just say screw it and be done with her. Not that I could if I wanted to.

 

It scares me because I feel like she's different, like she could never change and stop loving me, turn cold and really think it's over, but then I realize that everyone thinks they were different. All I can do is hope that she keeps loving me and comes back after this time. I didn't ask her for a timeframe, but I mentioned something about after the school year trying to start things back up, she seemed more than willing to do that. All I can do is hope that she doesn't change.

 

The NC doesnt mean avoiding her....it just means talking to her way less than you usually do. But you cant call her...she has to call you.

 

So, do you mean for the entire period we are apart I shouldn't call her at all ? I don't know if I'll be that strong. I'm going to do my best not to be needy, but I think if I can get through 2 or 3 weeks without calling her then that would be a big step, and I also think that she'd appreciate that. It's not like I'd call her and talk about getting back together, just to check in, see how her new place is, stuff like that. Do you think that's a bad idea ? No calls ?

 

Be careful though that she doesnt lead you on...she could be using you as a safety net til she finds some other guy to be with. I know this sounds really harsh but girls do this.

 

You know, I actually said almost that exact same thing to her. As I've told you, I've explained to her how I need her to be honest if she wants to minimize the pain, well, along with that I told her that I was scared she was going to use me as a safety net until she finds something better. She actually got kind of hurt by that and said she would never do that to me and the she couldn't believe I would think she would (I told her I didn't think that, just that I worry). I know I can't put too much hope in what she tells me, but I really don't think she'd conciously string me along. I have no choice but to believe that this is really about getting through school and stuff and not about looking for someone else, I just have to keep in the mindset that it could happen anyway.

[Weird]

My advice is to not contact her at all. She is the one who wants the space or whatever so she can initiate the contact. Hopefully she isn't a puss like my ex and waits a year to contact you even though she knows you love her.

 

My ex is one of the most cautious and scared chicks out there when it comes to opening up to me...it is why I know she still has feelings if that makes any sense.

[girls_do_cheat]

rubble not to discouarge you....but my ex kept telling me the same thing..........she never told that she was gong to be with some other guy. she kept telling its work and work............and then she cheated.............anyways try to hold ur integrity....i cried infront of my ex and it didnt help they probably enjoy the power you give them ...........i dont know i really dont understand how strong and mean can a woman be.............even when they know someone is dying every second of the day for them they just concentrate on their life and through u out like a prick.................try and keep urself together and keep making urself stronger for eventualities...may god work it out for u...he is the only one....we can't do anything just bear the blows..........

[Urban Rubble01]

Well, I appreciate the concern, but I really don't think she's found anyone else, at least not yet. I mean, first off, what she says about school and work is the truth, she's way behind, missing credits, supposed to be on her last year and working a job. Also, I have a hard time believing that she could have gotten away with it. I'm with her on the weekends and we talked every night. I mean, anything is possible, but I just don't think that was it. Plus, I think that most of the time the sex would be different if she was cheating, but it wasn't, we were having sex, good sex, every day right up until the last day I saw her.

 

I know what you're saying about crying, and I tried not to. I shed a few tears, but no bawling or anything. I don't think she would enjo having "power" over me though, I think that would just make her more sad. The reason I didn't want to cry is so that she doesn't worry about how I feel. That was the only reason I felt that she'd be less than honest with me, because she worries about how bad I'll take it.

 

But thanks for the reply, I'm feeling your pain.

[backspn]

Be strong....we all want you to suceed. If we can help you then we'll be happy for you. I would wager money on it that if you give her a call at the end of October just to say hi then you'll be golden...thats if she doesnt call you first....which she will. Just wait it out and remember....she dumped you and she has to realize that YOU decide if you want to try again.....she already gave up her right to you.

[girls_do_cheat]

Hi rubble,

i am sorry if i sounded negative.....i was just telling what happened with me....and i am sure ur girl wont be as mean as mine...i want u to have her, no one deserves the pain i am in....not even the worst of my enemies God forbid..........................Just hold urself don't call her let her call u but i dont believe in this no contact theory..........its ok to call very few times maybe like wait 2 weeks but then u need to try u need to make her realize u r there for her and u r missing her...........i dont know i am not the right person...all i can say is keep urself together....and yes we were having good sex too even the night after she returned camping with that guy and guess what she told me last week...."u dont turn me on anymore last few times whenever i was having it with u i was getting done because i was thinking abt that guy.....hehehheheh that freakin hurts man".......just keep trying dont overdo things...just normal calls every few days if she is talking else stop doing that till she calls...........all the best

[jamwinswim]

Buddy,

 

Thanks for reading my post (Stuck in America, Breaking Up Forum), and as you asked, I thought I'd come along and read yours and give some not so expert advice lol.

 

Sorry to say this, but the advice alot of other people have given about NC hasnt really worked. Out of everyone on here that have said NC NC NC, no one has said "we havent spoken for x months, and then we spoke and we're back together". Sorry, NC doesnt work over a prolonged period, and everyone is still basically single. Now im not saying my advice will or will not work, but NC has to be used sparingly. I think right now, a week or 2 of NC (including anytime youve already used) would be good - It gives her space, like she wanted, then it gave you space also to keep busy and do some of the things you havent had a chance to in a while, like be with your friends etc. After that, dont be afraid to call her. She has feelings too, and if she becomes a cold harsh *itch, then you'll see that you dont want her. Leave her a msg, call her while shes at work - smile before you call and just be real nice, hey, hows it going, hows school/work, ill speak to you soon. Then the ball is in her court, and if she calls, then great, and if not, so be it.

 

When you get a chance to talk, agree with her with everything, and do it with a smile. Is this weak? is this giving her what she wants? No not at all. By agreeing with her, telling her how you saw how it become less attractive to be in a relationship with you, and telling her that she is right about everything will take down the walls, and actually make her start to defend you. If you dont give her anything to fight with or fight against, then what resistance is there? Tell her she was right for breaking up with you, and do it with a smile. Tell her that you're happy shes happy, and do it with a smile.

 

Dont tell her you love her (over and over). Thats pressure on her. Dont reassure her that youve changed for the better. In fact thats just saying I havent changed. And lastly dont argue - totally agree with whatever she has to say 110%. A person says,

 

“You know, I want a breakup.”

 

“I understand. I agree.”

 

It looks you're moving faster toward a breakup, but you're getting at the roots of why they want a break. they want a break because you're always disagreeing with them. They do not want a break from somebody who's always pleasant and is always seeing their side and always agreeing with them. That's not the person they're pulling away from. They're pulling away from the person who disagrees with them. When you see her next, dont grovel. That relationship youve had in the past, no matter how happy or how right or wrong it was, its in the past. Its HISTORY. Work on the future and what you do have. Be patient. If she is worth it, you'll spend the time to nurture it and the rewards will come back to you. But just accept everything she says, agree with her, and do it with a smile. She'll think of you in a better light.... I mean how could she peg a bad note against you? But this isnt a one off thing, youre gonna have to do this forever, and you have to be willing to do that. Its gonna take time and to do this over and over to erase the memory of the guy she wants a break from, even if she loves you. Be strong my friend.

 

Think of it in another light. For all the good memories and good times you had with this girl, and she isnt meant to be the one, look forward and think how amazing it will be once you do get to meet that special one. Just food for thought. Be strong.

[Weird]

only prob with that is you can end up being whipped and have no dignity.

 

 

I think there is a fine line between acting like a sap and giving in and standing strong.

 

The person you are tyring to win back also obviosuly is the most important factor. Not all exes are created equal.

[jamwinswim]

It depends on what you want. IFyou can swallow your pride, and you really want the girl back, then what other options do you really have? NC? Give it a year and see what happens. Thats ridiculous really.... a year to wait to see if its right. Thats just filly faffing around. There has to be equal amounts of pride, dignity and respect, but nothings going to change if you stand your ground and are stubborn about the whole process. Someones got to make some moves, if you wait on her, she'll settle into her new life without you. Its all delicate.

[Weird]

but the prob is say a guy does that and gets back together. then you are whipped because she will expect you to do everything she says and agree to everything she says.

 

You mention everything like the guy has to do all the work...well, It is a two way street. A guy can't win over a girl who doesn't want him. IMO it is silly to act like the girl should not be held accountable for anything.

 

Again, there is a fine line. Can't act like a stubborn bastard and control stuff but you can't act like a pussy either. If I were in that type of situation I'd rather stay single than act like a pussy and keep my dignity.

 

My advice to people is to just be honest with each other. If you are putting on a face then where will that lead the relationship? Nowhere.

[Urban Rubble01]

jamwinswim

 

I hear what you're saying on that. I see you've also been reading that "stop your divorce page" =) What you say makes sense, but as Weird said, it's a fine line. There really is nothing I have to argue with even if I wanted to. See, we're still getting along fine. Through this whole thing there hasn't been any anger or nastiness. The only thing I could possibly disagree with is the fact that she wants this break/break up period, and I don't need a book to tell me that I can't aruge my way out of that

 

But no, I hear you and you're right. All I can do is be pleasant, don't push too hard and let her know I love her. Now, when you say "Don't tell her you love her over and over", do you think it's still a good idea to tell her I love her when we hang up and when I see her ? Not "Oh baby, come back, I love you more than anything" but more like "Well, I'll talk to you later, I love you". You know, casual, just letting her know.

 

Weird

 

You're right as well, it is a very fine line. I think all I can do is sound happy, don't persue her too hard and don't let her forget that I love her. Sound good ?

 

But really, there's not much of an oppurtunity to seem "whipped". I mean, she isn't asking, or telling me, to do anything. I wish she was =)

 

Bottom line, I can't trick her into coming back, I can't convince her to feel something she doesn't feel. The one and only thing I can do is not push too hard, but at the same time not give up. I just have a hard time with specifics. I also don't think this NC thing is something to be taken dogmatically, all situations are different. I think I'm going to go a week, two weeks could be done, but I don't think that's the right move. But I'm willing to be corrected.