Caught and my world is turned upside down.

[Its_MEE]

I'm a 26yo ow. I have been so for a year now. This is the only man that I have felt complete in love with. It sounds so crazy but we are literally connected on a different level.... They have been married for 12yrs, 3 children.. I have one from a previous relationship... On to my weekend...

 

He was helping me move a couch this Saturday and when he showed up he looked upset. I asked him what was wrong and he told me his W found out. Someone had seen us together the night before and told her everything. I had even had a conversation with the person that divulged all the info to her that night... She knows that me and my MM work together and she knows that we love each other. She left the house Saturday and went to a hotel. Monday I see him at work and during our daily lunch talks he proceeds to tell me that his W is coming back home because she has nowhere to go. I completely understand, and please understand that it might sound ridiculous of me to say this but I have felt so terrible. I asked him to make a decision before things hit the fan and BOOM! Too late now. Anyways, she's coming back home and he tells me that he loves me soooo much but that he needs to figure out what is going on with his family so me and him must stop contacting each other for a while(even though we work together). I have NEVER cried so much in my life. I feel like I've been turned upside down and my chest is crushing my heart (dramatic I know). He just called me and told me how much he's been cryin for me and how terrible he feels. He says he doesn't know if he is even willing to fix things at home but he can't have his children taken away. He feels like he's torn 2 families apart that have been united for 20 years because of his f'in up. I feel for him but what about me? I feel for all of them... The W, the children, the families... BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?! I'm getting dressed to Go to work and I don't even know how to look at him. I love him...... So much. And he loves me the same. She sent me a pm on fb Saturday night asking me what's going on between me and her husband. I didn't reply. I feel like the devil reincarnated. I need advise with no judgement and I hope you guys can guide me a bit.

Thanks

[Goodbye]

You will get through this. This is the awful reality of being the OW...odds are not stacked in your favor, regardless of what your heart wants or what promises have been made. I think that men react in shock after a D-day. He is probably desperately repenting and trying to make amends.

 

I'm going through it as well. Try and respect his request for no contact In the meantime, take care of yourself. Focus on you and your child. Distract yourself as much as possible and let time sort things out.

 

I'm sorry things are hard right now. Hang in there.

[ComingInHot]

it's mee wrote, "BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

 

Good Morning it'smee. I feel awful that you are going through such heartbreak right now due to the choices you made. I have dealt with consequences of my actions as well.

 

I'd like to ask you to consider something, maybe you could think instead of, "what about others".

For me, when I consider my options (and usually I DO have options), I think about what affect my actions/decisions will have on others. I weigh out the consequences, both good and bad, and figure out the best course of actions that will cause the least amount of harm for ALL parties. If there is No option in which I get "what I want" w/out harming others, I 99.8% of the time choose to go w/out the "thing" I want (be it a pair of shoes, a trip, a job etc...).

 

I also reflect on what I am doing in process of getting "what I want", and if it is Not honest, forthright, or something I have to "hide" and not be proud of, then I stop.

At the end of the day, I have to live with ME and I want to be proud of the person I am and know that others that I care for and love, Know that I am a person of honor.

 

I know you are heartbroken and feeling like you are at the end of your life right now.

But you're not*

And as much as you don't want tomorrow to come, it will.

Ask yourself what you are going to do with your tomorrows while you do what you can to get through today.

CIH*

[RickFox]

I remember coming here, devastated, and my posts reeked of me me me! I was called on it, and at the time, I didn't want to hear it but you know what, it is not about you anymore, it's all great and fun until the truth comes out and reality hits for both sides.

 

Yes, we all felt we had the once in a lifetime connection but the fact of the matter is, the vast majority of affairs do not end in favor of the OW/OM and once you are discovered, you find yourself on the outside looking in.

 

He's making his choice and unfortunately, or fortunately, it is not you. Another one to be tossed under the wheels it would seem and as someone said, you need to do what's best for you. You will be denied on all fronts until the dust settles and by that time you should see that he wants nothing more than to keep you a secret.

 

 

Give him his space, give his family him, and give yourself time away from the whole thing so you can gain some clarity.

[stillafool]

You are a big girl right? She asked you a question.....why not answer it truthfully? :confused:Your love is all that right? Stand up for it. She needs to know you are both pining away for each other so she does not waste time and emotional energy she will need to get through this on him. Everyone needs the information to make the choices. Here is where the rubber hits the road......he wants you/you want him. Now is the time for him to walk away and live that dream life with all those connections with you.

 

Absolutely tell her the truth that you and MM are in love with each other. She's already aware that you two are having an affair so now is the time to stand up and be honest. After that the ball is in his court. I think it would be wise to contact her and arrange a meeting some place because if you ignore her she may come to your job.

[DelusionalOne]

It’s _MEE

 

I am truly sorry you had to join our little club. I would say “Welcome” but I am sure that this is the last place where you want to be. On a positive note, this forum is filled with a lot of supportive people who have literally walked in your shoes… myself included. And we are all in various stages of recovery.

 

Like the others said, I am afraid that the odds are not in your favor in this. He will, more than likely choose his family over you. He will tell you how much he loves you and how sorry he is about all of this, but he will be staying with his wife. He will probably ask you not to contact him at all. Being as you work together this is going to be very, very difficult. Be prepared to want to quit your job and find another as quickly as possible.

 

You are going to be in various stages of emotion…from numbness to disbelief to anger to debilitating sadness and they will circle like a dog chasing its tail.

 

You will wonder how someone who professed to “love you” so deeply will turn away from you so easily.

He, more than likely, will throw you under the bus and make it all your fault. Just be prepared.

This is the first day of a not-so-easy road you are about to travel on. But others here can testify that you will make it to the other side.

 

There are a few stories out here where the MM has left his W for the OW. But they are few and far between. And his initial behavior is not indicating that’s where his mind is heading.

 

As far as answering his wife, that’s your call. If you do not want to answer questions, you can just reply “I think it’s best that you talk to your husband.” She may not give up. Having been a BS long before I was a MOW, I was not interested in what the OW had to say. I didn’t even blame her. My H is a big boy and he is 100% responsible for his actions. He let it happen. HE betrayed my trust. Her part in it was irrelevant to me. But there are many out here that do not subscribe to that thought.

 

I am sorry you are in pain. Please reach out to anyone out here… I’m sure we will all help you in your new journey.

[SweetBella1]

You are going to be in various stages of emotion…from numbness to disbelief to anger to debilitating sadness and they will circle like a dog chasing its tail.

 

Yep, exactly!! Great description. Coming out of the fog, or affair bubble, is horrible.

[Its_MEE]

It’s _MEE

You are going to be in various stages of emotion…from numbness to disbelief to anger to debilitating sadness and they will circle like a dog chasing its tail.

 

A more perfect quote couldn't have been said. This all happened Saturday... I haven't eaten since... Yesterday was the worst and today I'm going through an unexplainable roller coaster. I cry, stop crying, feel like a zombie, want to punch him in the face, then cry, then laugh" I honestly feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

Thank you all. I came to work this morning and had to leave just now. I have no one to talk to about this because most of my friends are married and have already judged me when finding out. He cried to me this morning and asked if we could talk when he gets off. I told him I really don't have much to talk about but that I guess we should get it ALL out there. He said that she is still talking D and that nothing is "in the working out" process but he has a baby and that he can't just allow her to disappear with the kids. That she has nowhere to go. He says he feels terrible and that he knows he's crushed me but he has no idea what to do. I told him I understand that he has to get things in order. I get it. But oh my god I can't grasp it. I'm trying to hold it together. I'm taking the rest of the day off and just reflecting... Asking for forgiveness...

As far as responding to her... I've thought about it. She wrote me off of his page though and I won't write her back on there. But what am I to say?? "I'm so sorry for the pain I've caused you but I'm in love with your husband and he's in love with me"?

This is too heavy.... Someone in this thread said that I'm probably hoping tomorrow doesn't come... They're right. No worries. I'm not gonna hurt myself but I need to curl up under a rock and die for a day or two.

[Owl]

Here's the thing...he's had a year to anticipate her reaction and plan for it.

 

And yet, here he is without any clue on how to proceed. This either speaks volumes about his personality or his judgement.

 

Bottom line is this...what do YOU want as a result of all of this? Are you hoping for a relationship to continue with him? If so, what kind of relationship? Do you want the A to resume? Do you want him to leave her to be with you?

 

Start focusing on what you can do for YOU...he can solve his own problems.

[whichwayisup]

You need one good friend to talk to, someone who can hold you when you cry and just support you.

 

All I can say is, allow yourself to cry and grieve. Your A is over. He is messed up, you're messed up, his wife is messed up. The pain you feel, magnify that by 1000, that's what his wife feels. She's built a life with him, had his children, entwined families, inlaws, friends, etc..etc.. I'm not discounting what you feel for him, it hurts and you're in pain but the reality is, he now has to choose. Unfortunately for you, most choose their families. Don't try to compete with his children. They come first (though it didn't seem that way when he was having an A with you.)

 

As for his wife, DO write her. Apologize for your part in the affair. Own your part in it. Tell her that if she would like to talk to more (do this when you're ready, not now as you're too emotional and dealing with pain, maybe in a few weeks when you feel a bit more in control) you'll be willing to answer her questions.

 

Take care of you now. Take time off of work, book vacation time or make it 'family emergency' time..anything just so you don't have to see him daily.

[ComingInHot]

It's mee,

Times like this are exactly what family is for (and bff's*).

Can you tell your mom or ph.d.

They'll love you no matter what you've done and possibly help you navigate through this time.

Don't underestimate the years of experience they have and what they may have had to learn along the way.

[KathyM]

My advice would be to tell this guy you are breaking it off with him. He is a spineless cheater who didn't have the guts to make an honest decision and be honest with his wife, and instead chose to sneak around behind her back. Why is that kind of a man appealing to any woman? Why would any woman want to sign up for that--a cheating MM. A dishonest man. A selfish man. A man who will put his wishes and desires ahead of his integrity and his family. This is not a man to value or invest your life in. Plenty of men out there who ARE worth your time and emotions. I just don't understand why any woman would even want someone that does this to his family, and who has no moral integrity. What is the appeal? My advice: find a man who is trustworthy, has integrity, and who is not going to have this nasty drama to bring into your relationship.

[DelusionalOne]

One more thought before you go apologizing...

So many people throw out the words "I'm sorry" like they are going I fix anything. Mostly because they are not meant when they are said.

 

ARE you sorry? Or are you sorry you all got caught? If you didn't get caught would the affair still be going on? If so, you really aren't sorry. You maybe be sorry that she got caught in the crossfire and is now feeling pain but more than likely you aren't really sorry about the affair... Otherwise it wouldn't have happened. Just be sure you are apologizing for the right thing... Don't throw empty words at her... Her husband will be doing enought of that.

[TheOW]

My advice is to concentrate on yourself and child at the moment, and only you 2.

 

As for replying to his wife do this when YOU are ready to, yes she is hurting but she is not your concern right now you and your child are your concern. When the times comes (and it will) you can speak with her if need be.

 

And before all the BS come barging in this is MY opinion she does owe his wife an apology im not saying she doesnt but her main priority is herself and her child not his wife!!

[stillafool]

He said that she is still talking D and that nothing is "in the working out"

process but he has a baby and that he can't just allow her to disappear with the

kids.

 

She cannot just dissappear with his kids. If I'm correct there are laws against that. Why does he care if she is talking D if he is in love with you? Why isn't he taking this opportunity to come clean and tell his wife he's in love with you? Did you ask him this? What did you two plan to do with your love if you had never been caught? If he is in love with you he will take this opportunity to set the wheels in motion for the two of you to be together, come what may. If he is just cheating he will crawl back to his wife wait for things to calm down and slither back over to you. What are you two going to do?

 

 

That she has nowhere to go. He says he feels terrible and that he knows he's crushed me but he has no idea what to do. I told him I understand that he has to get things in order. I get it. QUOTE]

[georgia girl]

Mee,

 

I am sorry that this happened. Unfortunately, I think this is the norm for most affairs. There are some true exit affairs, but in reality, I think it's sometimes so easy for men to cheat and find what they think they've lost in their lives or their marriages, that it sets up an impossible situation. Truly, that's why only single people should ever date. You can't genuinely have a relationship with two people at the same time. For the single person in the relationship, you are vulnerable in a way that having a relationship with another single person doesn't exist. He has another life; you didn't. You invested your life into this man; he was always splitting his investment.

 

Please take care of yourself. I know that no contact may seem like the last thing you want, but I think you need it for you. You could step back on this rollercoaster with him - and it may have more good times to offer post d-day - but it will more likely end up in a cycle of repeating pain that gets even more soul-destroying each time.

 

You can step off. It will mean denying any chance of a future with a man you love, even in the face of him begging for another chance. But, in my opinion only, it's actually placing a sure bet on yourself and your chance for real, lasting and soul-enhancing love. If you do step off, you give yourself a chance to heal away from him and that will be incredibly hard. It will take months to heal.

 

At the end of that process, however, is a new you. A stronger, wiser you. A you that you have invested in and a you that will make better choices in a partner. That you can choose someone who will commit to her in the same manner you commit to him. The playing field will be equal and that sets up a possible situation - even a probable situation. This one is impossible. I hope you choose you, even though it will hurt so very bad.

 

Best of luck.

[Its_MEE]

I just wanted to update in was has unfolded the past few hours... My MM nd I talked and I told him how much of a coward he was. That if he truly LOVES me and does not love her like he says... She can come back home, fine, but he needs to find somewhere else to go. If separation was what tht were headed for anyways (supposedly) than this is his chance I get like likes he's told me he wanted to... I told him he was a punk and that he never truly loved me like he said excuse if you love someone like this you wouldn't ask for no contact "for a while". But I said ok and that if that's what he needs to do bein that there re kids involved everywhere then that's it. Enough said. But I would NOT come back... EVER... And if he was ready to separate from me than ok.....

He calls me 30 minutes later and says that he went home and told her everything... That he loves me and that it was sexual as well (which she supposedly didn't know). She fought him and he had to leave te house to avoid the violence with the kids at home.....

Now.... This is crazy. I'm glad it's ALL out there. I am... I know it's at the expense I her pain... I know that.... And I feel for that... But he needed to be honest.... Because that wasn't fair to anyone. Wow.

[Its_MEE]

Sorry for the typos guys

[Praying4Peace]

I believe that he told her. My exAP told his W things that would make you shudder. And she kicked him out....SHE did, not him leaving voluntarily. I think that when she cools off and starts freaking out (bc she loves him just like you do if not more!) she will call him back to work things out. Then the true decision will be made by him.

 

Getting kicked out is par for the course for Ddays.

 

I'd recommend when this happens you just give him a deadline (because it sounds like he really didn't think this through and men like to think about things rationally...) and stick to it. For example- 2 months...

 

Please don't let him leave and move in with you! He'll stick around for comfort and then go back home and you'll be devastated and will have lost any self respect you might have.

[ilovememore]

At the risk of sounding harsh, we have all been deluded into thinking that our relationship was different--amazing, earth shaking, once-in-a-lifetime, magic. And then reality hit. Coming to grips with that realization was really hard for me. But I just kept reading all the posts, dating back as far as they went, and came to understand that I was no different than anyone else. My advice is to start there. Keep reading and keep reminding yourself that it was the dynamics of the A that caused you to believe it was something other than what it really was--a diversion for him at everyone's expense but his. Then start acting as if you'll live again. It took me four weeks to feel like the canon ball through my chest was beginning to close. Yours will, too. But time takes time, and the best thing you can do for yourself is to face the cold, hard facts and move on.

Oh, and one other thing: my guy was separated and living in his own apartment. Nonetheless, when push came to shove, he chose not to go through with the D. So, now that he's shown you who he is (and what is truly important to him) believe him. These men cannot be trusted. But more importantly, you can't trust yourself or your own emotions. Therefore, just start running and never look back. Good luck!

[Its_MEE]

First and foremost you all are great... I've gotten a new set of friends in a matter of hours. Joining this site was the best thing I could've done... I've used A LOT of this advise throughout my day.

This is it though. Now my test really starts. After he told me that he spilled the beans about the rest, I haven't spoken to him. He said he'd call back but I know he's goin through some heavy stuff so I'll let him be for a while. He needs to stop being so f'in dramatic though. He was aware of the consequences of his actions and he continued to pursue me... I tried to leave him twice. He begged and I returned... I'm here now... I have a voice and I DO have a right. I can't focus all of my emotions on what she's feeling right now. I need to shake this off and get it together... After the posts earlier i confronted him and told him that I wanted to talk to her. That I AM A PART OF THIS STORY. And that if she has questions, I should answer them. Of course he was against it. Everyone is way too emotional right now to talk so I will hold off on that. But I KNOW she will contact me soon so I need to get my mind right and prepare for that... THAT is something I can't avoid and something that I need to face. Of course I'm nervous. Now that she knows how deep iy is im sure she will try to come to my job.. where mine and his coworkers will hear it all.. itll be ugly because yes, im apologetic for her hurt, but no, im not apologizing for loving him. i cant apologize for that. He's crushed, she's crushed and I am too... We will see what happens tomorrow... As for me tonight? Tucking the oh so unaware 7 year old in, Xanax, and bed. I am absolutely exhausted.

[stillafool]

Glad you stood up to him and told him what you want. Hopefully he did tell his wife the truth about you two but as we've seen too many times here; the MM will say he told the wife just to keep his OW around. When the OW wants to verify this through the wife the MM says NO. I'm sure if he did tell his W she will probably want to talk to you to. Where is he tonight?

[2sure]

Isn't thinking she will come to your office to confront you in public...I mean, do you have reason to believe she is that into public confrontation? That seems over the top.

[Ihaveaheadache]

Yikes!

Do NOT I repeat DO NOT tell the wife the truth about anything! It is NOT your business. You don't know what he already told her and do NOT want to have him be caught in more possible lies! This is where the saying what you dont know can't hurt you comes into play. Unfortunately, here is where you will find out how "truly madly deeply" he loves you. In an affair its all about the fantasy. If he has been married 12 yrs things were boring ok. I've been married 10, trust me on that. You were a giant fantasy world for him. Perhaps this connection you have thats so "deep" is real.....but that's rare in an affair case. Realize now that he is going to choose his wife if she chooses to allow him to stay with her. So he will back off when.he sees what he caused his entire! family, not just the kids and wife. Your only chance here is that he will eventually over much time, want to see you again and get that affair "itch". Now her trust for him is shot out the window and his chances of gettinf away are going to be dramaticly reduced, so don't expect anything but a quickie here and there. Or he could leave his wife and be with you but that only happens statistically 5% of the time.......don't get your head wrapped up in being that 5%. It sucks, I know, but you young,go play,as much as you think you wanted to settle down already, go play.

[Its_MEE]

Scary. Take note everyone having an affair to this attitude. She believes she does have a right in this marriage. She believes she has a right to speak to his wife. This is scary on so many levels to me. I'm actually having sympathy for the married man at this point.

 

Please don't confuse what I said as a sign of psychotic-ness... I don't know what I'll do. I stated I have a right because I am the third side to this story. I have never been in a situation like this and I am losing it. I know this is so so cliche but he loves me. i feel his pain, he feels mine, I have sympathy for him as well... I've apologized for pressuring him but we can't be sooooo surprised at what's happening. We talked about what would happen all the time. I don't have any sort of pride and sense of "entitlement" right now. I'm just lost and now that D DAY has come.... Everything needs to be laid out there. Now she has to make a conscious decision and if it were me..... I'd like to know everything.