Caught and my world is turned upside down.

[DelusionalOne]

It's MEE.... Do yourself a favor and learn how to use the "ignore list" function.

It's under the MyProfile/Cp section. Everyone has a right to their opinion, no matter how nasty, but it doesn't mean you need to read the post. As long as you are logged in... You won't see them.

Edited May 2, 2013 by DelusionalOne

[Its_MEE]

Thank you delusional.... I see that I'll need it. I'll respond to all shortly. I'm at work.. Which is going terribly btw. Lol. I've gone to the bathroom twice already to vent to myself. Umm... He's acting pretty professional... I have barely looked at him in the eye though... I can't. I hate him right now. Anyways... I'll be back with my first attempt at NC update.

[ComingInHot]

I'm so sorry about your work environment.

Stay strong!

[GreySkyMorning]

This is EXACTLY why I don't get involved with men who are taken.

 

You knew what you were walking into, now unfortunately, you will have to sleep in the bed you made.

 

I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for his wife who didn't want this. I feel sorry for the kids who had their family torn apart from 2 inconsiderate-selfish people who betrayed everyone.

 

What did you think was going to happen? You two would continue this fantasy and walk off into the sunset together?

 

Imagine if you would have just controlled your impulses and never initiated intimacy with a MARRIED man? I can tell you that you definitely wouldn't be in this predicament. You'd probably be eating ice-cream sitting on a park bench enjoying the beautiful day with your own kid and a clean conscious.

 

Like I said, sleep in the bed you made.

You kick puppies a lot too?

[DelusionalOne]

Thank you delusional.... I see that I'll need it. I'll respond to all shortly. I'm at work.. Which is going terribly btw. Lol. I've gone to the bathroom twice already to vent to myself. Umm... He's acting pretty professional... I have barely looked at him in the eye though... I can't. I hate him right now. Anyways... I'll be back with my first attempt at NC update.

 

You are in a tough situation. It is extremely difficult to be in a work environment and maintain NC without looking immature and unprofessional. There is a fine line and you will need to determine where that is.

[DelusionalOne]

Shouldn't we be supporting each other... Do we really need to be tearing each other down? And that helps how? I think every ow/om is well aware that this wasn't their shining moment... I think if you are that angry and bitter that you need to tear someone down you should really seek professional help.

[ComingInHot]

Delusional one wrote, "Shouldn't we be supporting each other... Do we really need to be tearing each other down? And that helps how? I think every ow/om is well aware that this wasn't their shining moment... I think if you are that angry and bitter that you need to tear someone down you should really seek professional help."

 

Wait. Who are you upset with?

Is it the kicking puppies or the poster who stated, albeit harshly, her opinion about who she feels sorry for?

It wasn't Lady Grey was it? If so, I actually think she was trying to relate the words of another poster in a more gentle fashion. (she's cool like that).

 

Remember (and I remind myself of this too), emotions are pretty high in the OW/OM & Infidelity sections. We have come here, betrayed, broken, in pain and want to initially Only hear from those who could only possibly understand our perspective.

This is what makes LS so great though! You DO have others here who know Exactly what you are going through. Thing is, I think the most therapeutic part comes from learning and yes, even hearing and feeling the pain from the other parties as well. It truly can be an eye-opener for ALL involved in or are victim of an A.

 

We all want to think (at least I do) that, "it is all about ME". The truth is, it isn't (I still try though ).

 

So, as many have written before and will write again, take what can be taken from the responses. And from every perspective, try to understand what is being written and why.

There is something to be said for "tough love" when the time is right.

 

Honestly, what gets me is what I can be guilty of myself eh hem... the point blank ugly comments only thrown out to hurt another with No point to be found in them whatsoever.

Maybe I missed it, but most posts so far, besides kicking puppies (who does that!? lol) have been from an honest place, however harsh.

[GreySkyMorning]

Was it harsh, yes, but it was truthful.

 

Fow here myself, and it's a good thing at some point is to realize and acknowledge that you (general you) did in fact invite the high potential for pain into your own life. (self inflicted)

My issue is that the OP is fully aware of her mistake already and didn't need to be kicked further by someone without even experience in dealing with this. That post wasn't meant to be helpful or supportive. It was meant to rub her face in it and inflict hurt.

[DelusionalOne]

I'm not angry or bitter and I don't seek to tear someone down. Not sure how you got that impression.

 

I've walked in these shoes myself and it upsets me to see other women do this to themselves.

 

Part of not doing it again, is to acknowledge the whole truth, even the ugly parts. Affairs bring pain, to all, that is the truth.

 

Oh my gosh, I totally did not mean you. I meant it as a general statement. Sometime things can get so ugly out here.

I'm Sorry you felt like it was directed at you. It absolutely was not.

[Its_MEE]

First off...

Younglove89 says: This is EXACTLY why I don't get involved with men who are taken.

 

You knew what you were walking into, now unfortunately, you will have to sleep in the bed you made.

 

I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for his wife who didn't want this. I feel sorry for the kids who had their family torn apart from 2 inconsiderate-selfish people who betrayed everyone.

 

What did you think was going to happen? You two would continue this fantasy and walk off into the sunset together?

 

Imagine if you would have just controlled your impulses and never initiated intimacy with a MARRIED man? I can tell you that you definitely wouldn't be in this predicament. You'd probably be eating ice-cream sitting on a park bench enjoying the beautiful day with your own kid and a clean conscious.

 

Like I said, sleep in the bed you made.

 

**why are you here? We're you the BS? How young are you really? yiu have no clue... if you were a bs id like to say I'm sorry... I've committed a mistake yes... And there is absolutely no need for the reminder right now (true as it may be). Yes... I am sleeping in the bed I made. Thanks.

With that being said.... It's too late for the "you should've or shouldn't ofs" because I'm balls deep into it now... Too late. We both know that we should've come out an been honest before DDAY. You though my friend, should maybe start a thread also... Because you're angry about something. Women like me make you angry? I'm not a bad person. I KNOW HOW I'VE HURT HER.

I am in a way glad that you're being honest... But don't be nasty... If you can't control YOUR impulses... You can just not write in here...

Credered... You can bounce with her.. Bye.

 

 

Everyone else.... Thank you...

 

Today was a failure in my NC.

He called to ask if i needed help with some work. I lost it.. Went into his office and told him that we were no longer friends. And to stop talking to me as such...

Then... We ended up meeting for lunch an talking for about an hr or so. He cried, I cried, HIS WIFE probably cried... I'm so embarrassed by this but I continued to tell him just how much I loved him and that I knew that he is honestly trying to figure it out and not add fuel to the fire but that I'm being shunned and made disappear. Blah blah blah..)pathetic). Nothing's changed... But listen when I tell you guys... He's not staying at home. I do need to back way off because he looks like he is about to explode. Even if he deserves it... It hurts to see him like this. He says he doesn't want 2 be selfish and tell me to wait for him but that he needs to get things sorted... (Children, bank accounts, everything else) someone posted earlier tht I should give him a timeframe. 2 months they say... Should I? This man is hurting. Because HE did this. And he knows he was a coward... A lot of what I wrote in the "letter" I said f2f (maybe less harsh). She wants to contact me... She's been calling my old # which was on my fb. She's angry... She knows he bought be a jacket for Christmas and she said she wants it back (she's not getting it).

Aside from all of that. I feel ok this second. Empty. But I'm ok.

Also, thanks for the concern for my son... Although Sunday I was pretty useless to him and he went with my mom for the day... I've tried to not in anyway let what I've been feeling make me mean towards him... We went and got milkshakes yesterday and he told me how he wants an iPhone for his 8th bday (NOT). Lol... He's ok... Clueless to this madness.

[2sunny]

Don't be surprised to find out your OM is willing to jump through hoops to save his M!

 

IF he was going to BE with you - he wouldn't be trying to smooth things over with his W!

 

 

And be aware - most wait a good long time (while ignoring you) then, BOOM - they start it up again - mainly because the wife isn't paying attention as much after the dust settles.

 

And he will expect you to be all happy about being his second choice - again!

 

Tell him to shove it!

 

I'd quit that job today!

 

Call his wife. Be honest with her - and mostly listen to what she will tell you! You may be able to find out what side he's really putting effort into.

Edited May 3, 2013 by 2sunny

[ComingInHot]

It's MEE wrote, "... Credered... You can bounce with her..."

 

I hope you didn't mean me.

And I hope you begin to feel better soon*

[2sunny]

Use the ignore button when you don't wish to see a certain poster.

[whichwayisup]

I think you need to tell him goodbye and ONLY call you after he is officially divorced. Otherwise you WILL get caught in the drama, he WILL go back and forth, have another D-day and then you'll probably end up with him by default as his wife will just say fu.k it and hand him over to you.

 

2-3 months is not long enough for him and his wife to sort this out. They also have children to consider, so chances are once the anger and emotions calm down a bit, they will give their marriage a second chance to work. They can't walk away without giving it their best when kids are involved. IF no kids, then yeah, that's different as it only affects the two of them not little innocent ones.

 

I DO hope that if they choose to work together to fix their marriage, you respect that, go full on NC and focus on you and your life so you can heal.

[DelusionalOne]

Use the ignore button when you don't wish to see a certain poster.

 

Where is this "ignore button"? I know where the ignore list is but there is a button?

Sorry for the t/j

[2sunny]

Where is this "ignore button"? I know where the ignore list is but there is a button?

Sorry for the t/j

 

Oops...sorry. Just add to your ignore list. I think it's in your profile/settings...

[Its_MEE]

It's MEE wrote, "... Credered... You can bounce with her..."

 

I hope you didn't mean me.

And I hope you begin to feel better soon*

 

No way! I meant whose ever name was credered.

You've been great... And it is inspiring that all or most of you are currently going through similar situations and are still able to give advise... I haven't responded to anyone's post... I can't give advise when I'm so f'ed up. :/

 

I think I need to get committed somewhere (not really). But after that post earlier i DID feel ok.. Now... Reality. I'm still here... NC... He's still there... NC'ing me. Which makes me sad but... Makes me mad.. We have to... Have to get our minds right right now though... She trashed his house.. Took everything but the crib for the baby... Hes stunned... Yes yes yes he knew it was wrong all along.. But it ACTUALLY happened. I know he's probably asking her to return... But... I called him out on allllll of it today and it felt good.. It was just us for a year so we were each others only friend.. Literally... We both shut other friendships down to spend as much time together as possible.. I did not though, take away from his kids.. 18, 12, 8 months... I've met the baby... Played with him... How crazy... That was disrespectful.. He is beautiful.. He takes care of his kids everyday from 1p-9p while she worked/ errands. He works 3am-1p. The earth has shifted beneath his feet is what he told me. She's talking alimony, child support..I believe He's too selfish to leave because of that.. Love isn't there.. It's here... Love isn't enough... His responsibilities (which he f'ed up) need to be a priority. He is battling what his heart wants and what his conscious tells him he needs to do.. He's aware if all of it.. He's not lying... And he's not bad mouthing me.. I know that for sure... But... I know he's minimizing and giving as little info as possible. To all... But he isn't evil... I have truthfully seen parts of his heart that NO ONE has seen... As he mine... It is indescribable.. This is why I cannot start healing YET. Because in a way... I NEED to fight for this. He is in love with me. A woman who wasn't supposed to enter... When his baby was born... The biggest disrespect happened.. He called me 5 minutes later to tell me.. Sent me a picture.. He needed o share that with me and that's the moment we both realized this was love forreal. A part of me needs to tell her everything.. But I can't right now because it would be coming from a selfish place in my heart... And that is not ok... It has been less than a week since DDAY... She has been around for 20yrs. He can't say yeah I cheated, f u, I'm going with her... Not that way.. He is truly thinking about even though DDAY came... What is the easiest way out from here... Without even more turmoil.

 

Whoa... Went off on a huge tangent there guys.. Ahh.. Ters tears tears... I'm ok I'm ok I'm ok... Lol <3

[Praying4Peace]

There are so many articulate posters here that I won't repeat what they say and I agree with all of them.

 

If BOTH you and W are driving him crazy and turning him into a crying basketcase guess which woman he's going to go with? The one he already has.

 

I'm not saying he's lying intentionally. I just think he's backed into a tough spot, can't think and is lying to himself depending on who he's with. Don't back him in a corner. Just tell him not to contact you while married. You got to have this final conversation and got it off your chest, now don't repeat it again. He remembers.

 

You know those tv shows that you wish to GOD had ended like 3 seasons before they actually did? That's what this is becoming! Any good times you had for a year and going to be overshadowed by you not being understanding to him and to his situation. There's something to be said for ending things while they are still good, no?

 

You know how you say you want to 'fight for him'? Think of you going NC as fighting for him and caring for him. In the end no one wants someone trying to convince them with WORDS how much they care. Like we say here all the time- actions not words. Your actions will show you care. Going NC will show you care and you want him to figure out his life with or without you in it.

 

I've been the married AP. Its hellish to be in this situation. Please don't think there are any winners or losers here, everyone is in severe pain and you walking away is NOT you conceding or being weak or showing your lack of love. Quite the opposite.

[secretlady76]

I am almost shouting at the computer screen here as I am reading.

 

Please MEEE, wake up! What are you doing??!!?? I'm not being nasty, but please will someone make her realise what is going on!!!!

 

Do not believe what he is saying! He has no idea what he is doing, what he is saying, what he wants. You gave him a massive ego trip telling him you loved him, crying in front of him. He knows you're still there waiting for him, he can still eat his cake.

 

Walk away. Tell him you don't want to hear from him again until he has divorced.

 

Please also give him and his wife time to sort out their s*** without you poking your nose in. It's about them and THEIR marriage, not you. You're nothing to do with it now. You were not there when they made their vows. They are married to eachother and they need time to sort out what they're going to do. This could take years.

 

Honestly, in a few months time you are going to read back on your posts and be thinking "What the hell was I doing?!!" and will also think "How much of a tool was that man?!"

 

Walk away, go NC. Get a new job. For goodness sake, for your own sanity.

[ComingInHot]

is mee wrote, " I've met the baby... Played with him... How crazy... That was disrespectful.. He is beautiful.. He takes care of his kids everyday from 1p-9p while she worked/ errands. He works 3am-1p. The earth has shifted beneath his feet is what he told me. She's talking alimony, child support..I believe He's too selfish to leave because of that.. Love isn't there.. It's here... Love isn't enough... His responsibilities (which he f'ed up) need to be a priority. He is battling what his heart wants and what his conscious tells him he needs to do.. He's aware if all of it.. He's not lying... And he's not bad mouthing me.. I know that for sure... But... I know he's minimizing and giving as little info as possible. To all... But he isn't evil... I have truthfully seen parts of his heart that NO ONE has seen... As he mine... It is indescribable.. This is why I cannot start healing YET. Because in a way... I NEED to fight for this. He is in love with me. A woman who wasn't supposed to enter... When his baby was born... The biggest disrespect happened.. He called me 5 minutes later to tell me.. Sent me a picture"

 

Oh dear.

...and holy sh*t...!!

[2sure]

This is a family under duress. Not unusual, but hard. His work shift and her work shift allow the tag team parenting often required financially, but the result is a huge amount of resentment and distance between the parents.

 

I'm not surprised she became so frustrated and angry that she trashed the house. But you said " his" house....so, does she have another?

Also, I've been following your thread and while I think your trying to get some clarity....

 

You also posted that She was bringing up child support . Uh, she kind of has to, it's part of responsible parenting.

 

I mention this only because you don't want to start thinking like his wife is the enemy. That's the kind of thinking that often leads OW to stay...no matter what.

Affairs drag on and on and on sometimes because OW has put the onus on the BS instead of the WS. He can't leave, she won't let him.

 

Don't go there by beginning to think you are competing. That is what you sound like.

[crederer]

I really wasn't trying to be offensive in saying that. I'm just saying, cut your losses and learn from this. It appears that this whole thing has caused you a lot of pain which would not have been caused if you were with a single man. Not meaning to disrespect, and it was kind of a social commentary towards all women in this situation and not directed at you specifically, per se.

[youngnlove89]

FIRST OF ALL OP....

 

I will be the first to say I've had my sh.t handed to me on this site. I own up to my own mistakes every time. You are expecting sympathy and throwing a boo hoo party for yourself while you KNOWINGLY did wrong. You want people to throw compassion towards you because you ruined a marriage, not gonna happen by me.

 

Have I ever been in your situation? Nope. Do you know why? My father cheated on my mother for a year with a married woman. So YES, I know exactly how this goes. It hurts the family, the people who didn't ask for this. It isn't fair to his wife and children. It sucks. So I'm giving you my point of view from the other side. It ruined my life. My family, what we referred to ourselves as "The Three Musketeers" was ruined by a lady who couldn't keep her legs closes and my father who couldn't keep his d.ck in his pants.

 

Am I calling you a bad person? No. You just did a bad thing. Now you have consequences. I don't hate you, I don't know you, but I'm just dishing it out like it should be.

 

I, however, will not and cannot give you the solace and compassion you seek for.

 

I think it hurts you to hear my post because you know it's true. I know you can't go back and do things differently. I honestly do wish you the best, and heartbreaks suck, in any way they are given. I hope you can move on from this and learn from you lesson.

 

A few months after my father's affair was revealed, the married woman sought out my mom and I at the gym we all attended. She came up to us and personally apologized for the damage she had caused our family. It didn't take away the pain, it didn't take back my parent's divorce, but it made me realize she was human and made a mistake. I forgave her. I think it helped her too. The affair ended after that. It was over.

 

Maybe one day you can do that, apologize, own up to your mistakes and move on, let that family fix what was ruined.

 

P.S. I am only 2 years younger than you. Age is just a number. Maturity is the key.

Edited May 3, 2013 by youngnlove89

[youngnlove89]

Pretty sure she's got you on ignore.

 

The things is, you arent telling her anything she doesnt already know.

 

You're free to post whatever you want, but its really not germaine to this thread at this point.

 

Right on. People tend to ignore the things that hurt them the most. (Maybe she should do that with the affair) I said my part, I feel good...moving on.

 

The things is, you arent telling her anything she doesnt already know.

 

She knew about my parent's affair?! Wow, small world. Listen, it is good to hear things from the other side, the side she is afraid to face.

[Its_MEE]

Right on. People tend to ignore the things that hurt them the most. (Maybe she should do that with the affair) I said my part, I feel good...moving on.

 

The things is, you arent telling her anything she doesnt already know.

 

She knew about my parent's affair?! Wow, small world. Listen, it is good to hear things from the other side, the side she is afraid to face.

 

I think it hurts you to hear my post because you know it's true. I know you can't go back and do things differently. I honestly do wish you the best, and heartbreaks suck, in any way they are given. I hope you can move on from this and learn from you lesson.

 

 

 

I get you were traumatized with your parents relationship... Sorry you feel that way... You should get IC and if you have it... Keep going... I need some too.... in Bold above you felt "good" for saying your part... You vented towards me like I did something to you... Yes I want some understanding and that's why I joined... Wtf are you doing here? Lashing out makes you feel better... It hurts to see your post because you are so hurt by all your stuff that you are incapable of putting yourself in my shoes... Im not afraid to face ANY of it... Not one bit... It's coming.. I know...

 

You are so right younglove... It has nothing to do with age and all about maturity... With maturity comes empathy. You don't have to sympathize. But as an adult you have to be able to look at all perspectives. Although I've done what I've done... And I'm sorry for her pain but NOT for what I feel. If you've ever been madly inlove you know you can't control it. I'm done with you though. I hope you also get better and find the answers you're looking for.

Edited May 3, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted the most inflammatory content