What shall i do??!?!

[madden]

3 year relationship with bf. we are university students. I will be going abroad next year and we shall break up with possibility of coming back together when i come back. We’ve been through rough moments the past 3 months and we were near breaking up. But we are still together.

In the meantime of our long fights i have this friend who is abroad to whom i talk to daily. We get along so well and we do flirt when we chat on the net. I do look forward for his texts and to talk to him.

I am feeling guilty and do not know what to do. I do not want to hurt my bf he’s a great guy even if difficult to live with. And i do not want my other more-than-friend-less-than-boyfriend to be the other man. I do like him a lot.

What shall i do? :S

 

please someone give me an advice!!

Edited April 30, 2013 by madden

[Bryanp]

Be honest and tell your boyfriend you might as well break up now because you have begun to have feelings for someone else. Now that was not hard was it?

[madden]

he will not appreciate that and i do not want to lose him even as a friend. moreover, the feelings for the other one are irrelevant as he will only be in the same country as i for 2 months this year and next year. this is why i do not know if i have to tell my bf about it. in the same way i do not want to lose the other one as i do have strong feelings for him.

[TaraMaiden]

he will not appreciate that and i do not want to lose him even as a friend.

You will do that anyway, because you cannot remain friends with someone who has dumped you.

Sorry, but it's true.

Why should he stay a friend to you when he's in love with you?

Can't be done.

You're going to have to suck it up - if you see other people, 'friendship' with an ex, so soon after the break-up, is impossible. Maybe a year later, it could happen.

But now?

Forget that.

 

moreover, the feelings for the other one are irrelevant as he will only be in the same country as i for 2 months this year and next year. this is why i do not know if i have to tell my bf about it. in the same way i do not want to lose the other one as i do have strong feelings for him.

 

Stop being so selfish.

What gives you the entitlement to have things all your own way?

What you 'want' can't happen.

 

If you're moving away for 3 years, - trust me on this one, because I'm right - you and your BF will never get back together, anyway.

Too much time passing, too much water under the bridge, too much time apart, too much growing up to do. (you guys are young, right?)

 

Forget the fact this other guy exists for the moment.

Be fair to your BF.

Break up with him, and tell him you both need to find and explore different avenues.

It's true - you do.

But don't expect to be able to play the cards all your own way, because you can't.

[madden]

''Stop being so selfish.

What gives you the entitlement to have things all your own way?

What you 'want' can't happen.''

 

i know im being so selfish! i just want to find a way out without hurting anyone.

 

''If you're moving away for 3 years, - trust me on this one, because I'm right - you and your BF will never get back together, anyway.

Too much time passing, too much water under the bridge, too much time apart, too much growing up to do. (you guys are young, right?)''

 

yes i'll be away for 1 or 2 years and yeah we are on our 20s.

 

''Be fair to your BF.

Break up with him, and tell him you both need to find and explore different avenues.

It's true - you do.''

 

i already tried to have this conversation with him but he doesnt agree and i end up agreeing with him because i dnt want to hurt him!

so here is where i stand presently!

[TaraMaiden]

i know im being so selfish! i just want to find a way out without hurting anyone.

I've already explained that this is impossible.

but prolonging this isn't going to make it less painful, it will make it worse.

 

It's like an amputation.

Taking a leg off slowly, bit by bit, is painful, messy and takes too long to make it an effective move.

An amputation has to be done cleanly, quickly and definitely.

And although it hurts, the pain is actually less intense, and is easier to get over....

 

yes i'll be away for 1 or 2 years and yeah we are on our 20s.

 

Were you the same person at 20, that you were at 18?

I don't think so....

2 years apart will turn you into completely different people.

Honestly, the best and only way to deal with the split - is to make it now.

 

i already tried to have this conversation with him but he doesnt agree and i end up agreeing with him because i dnt want to hurt him!

so here is where i stand presently!

Then pardon me, but you're being very stupid and totally unfair.

Isn't this pain precisely the one you're trying to avoid?

 

Break up, mean it, and don't keep on 'agreeing to be with him' because all you're doing is piling on the pain.

You're delaying the inevitable.

You want to avoid hurting him?

 

You ARE hurting him - by living this pretense, and lying to him.

If you're still having sex with him, you're even more of a hypocrite - making love with someone you have no intention of staying with, is low.

It makes him think you're totally committed to this.

 

And as you know - you're far from it.

 

End it - mean it - keep your word, and do the right, honourable and honest thing.

Quit trying to do this your way.

You just want to do this with a clear conscience, and make sure you come out squeaky clean. You not only want to avoid pain for him, you don't want the burden of guilt, and end up 'the bad guy'.

Well, that's impossible.

 

You have to do, what you have to do.

Do it, get it over with, and then make sure you drop all contact.

Do not ever respond to any of his pleas, requests, or any begging and clingy behaviour.

Leave him be.

And cut the ties that bind.

[road]

You are cheating on your BF with this OM.

 

You are having an EA/emotional affair.

 

You are a cheater.

 

You want to break up with your BF now so that when you go away you can have the OM bang your brains out.

 

Then in your mind you will believe that you were justified to let the OM bang your brains out because you were broken up with your BF.

 

Hence you want to use the cheating GF/WW standard play where it is best we take a break, we can always get back together when I come back home routine.

 

This way when your BF finds out that you and the OM banged each other's brains out you will look your BF straight in to his eye and claim I did not cheat we were broken up.

 

Leaving out how it was your idea to break up and that you were having an EA with the OM before you broke up let alone left for your trip.