strozzap Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) Hi, I recently realized that I have a very low self-esteem. Here are my behaviors that proves it: I put myself down a lot. I become paranoid when someone seems to appreciate me. I wonder if they are not trying to use me. I always worry for no reason. I can't have fun and relax. I start many projects but never finish anything because I'm never satisfied enough with what I do. If I see my girlfriend in a bad mood I immediatly start thinking that she wants to break up. I'm very concerned about the way I look. I don't speak a lot because I want to make sure that what I say is smart. I rarely talk about myself and ask questions to others to let them talk about themselves in stead. When I say something I always think that people find it boring. So I tend to not speak for too long. I constantly need to be reassured that my girlfriend loves me for real. I seek for compliments a lot. I try to make my girlfriend jealous. I flirt with other girls online to prove myself. Etc. I think my low self-esteem comes from the fact that my father left when I was 2 years old, that my mother had low self-esteem problems herself and that at the age of 12 I left her to live with my grand-father. I started living by my own when I was 17. Now that I think I know the cause and I'm aware of my behavior, how can I overcome it? How can I build my self-esteem? Edited April 30, 2013 by strozzap Link to post Share on other sites
Author strozzap Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 What would be some great ways to boost up someone's self-esteem? Link to post Share on other sites
Jbum5 Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 (edited) Your entire list can be summed up to: you have low self-esteem because you fear the judgement of others. In fact, you are pessimistic because you specifically fear that others will judge you negatively. There are a couple of solutions: either learn to not care about what anyone thinks of you (extreme and less realistic, but plausible) or only put emphasis on what people who matter to you think. Both will take time and effort because you have to learn to control your fear (purely psychological) and throw that **** aside. P.S. Your girlfriend is clearly attracted and interested in you and she's with you. That should already knock down the concern with your looks and personality. If you are a grown, single adult man with a high school level part-time job sporting heavy weight with no hopes of prospects or a decent future then we can understand why you might have low self-esteem. Edited April 30, 2013 by Jbum5 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Please start by reading the book Go Suck a Lemon: Blah Blah Something Emotional Intelligence. You can buy it from Amazon and read it instantly online. And then start smiling. Resolve that no matter what people may think, you are going to respond happily, even if you have to fake it. Be as positive as you can. Start taking things as meant in the best light possible. Start doing those two things, start catching those first negative thoughts you have when something happens, and immediately change them. Keep practicing that until you realize how awesome you are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author strozzap Posted April 30, 2013 Author Share Posted April 30, 2013 Fake it 'till you make it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Yes. But seriously, fake it as hard as you can. Smile until people are wondering what you're up to, and then keep smiling. Take even criticisms as compliments, or at least as ideas to just even get more awesome, and I swear that people will notice your positive attitude, and then it will become more natural, and you won't be faking it (usually). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AD1980 Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Wow im the same way im overly sensitive at times..If im talking to someone and they dont look into it or leave the convo early i think what a bore iam..if i approach a women and she rejects me i think my god i must be ugly. I have a heavy need to be liked and when people dont seem to like me even if its not true if i interpet it that way i take it as a slight on myself Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 Wow im the same way im overly sensitive at times..If im talking to someone and they dont look into it or leave the convo early i think what a bore iam..if i approach a women and she rejects me i think my god i must be ugly. I have a heavy need to be liked and when people dont seem to like me even if its not true if i interpet it that way i take it as a slight on myself No one will ever be able to give you enough. You will always be at the mercy of your perceptions of what others think. If you want to believe someone's opinion about you, might as well make it your own. And make sure you love the hell out of yourself. That doesn't mean you have to be perfect or are perfect or better than anyone else. It just means that, much like we may love our children unconditionally, we also love ourselves unconditionally. Link to post Share on other sites
AD1980 Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 No one will ever be able to give you enough. You will always be at the mercy of your perceptions of what others think. If you want to believe someone's opinion about you, might as well make it your own. And make sure you love the hell out of yourself. That doesn't mean you have to be perfect or are perfect or better than anyone else. It just means that, much like we may love our children unconditionally, we also love ourselves unconditionally. I hear you but i think we all need connections/effection from humans on some level while i know its not healthy to over obsess over it like i do i think its kinda odd to not care at all Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted April 30, 2013 Share Posted April 30, 2013 I hear you but i think we all need connections/effection from humans on some level while i know its not healthy to over obsess over it like i do i think its kinda odd to not care at all I do have connections with people. I just don't get my validation from them. And interestingly enough, people want to be around you more when you're happy and not trying to get their approval. People can sense this stuff. Once I stopped worrying, I was nearly overwhelmed by people who wanted to be part of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author strozzap Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 If I start faking it with the people around me, will they eventually see me as a confident guy with good self-esteem or will they see me as fake? Does it mean I need to get rid of all the people I know and start a new life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author strozzap Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 Yup. But then you should take a peek at my PM inbox, haha! How about a screenshot? Link to post Share on other sites
Titania22 Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I would say make a conscious effort to stop putting yourself down and the negative self talk. When you catch yourself doing it, just stop in that moment. Also make a list of positive things. Then when you think negative things about yourself, run that list through your mind. Just keep making the effort and eventually the negatives will diminish. The positive things don't need to be big things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I know people (men as well as women) who have very low self-esteem for a variety of reasons, not all but many stem from the things you listed but some are for completely different ones. There are many who don't seem to have anything to be insecure about on the surface, you would be surprised at how insecure they are if you got to know them. You are no exception. As to how to build it? Consult self help books or websites (and good ones not cheesy ones like "smile more" or something, even though that does help on a small level), and think about going to therapy. It could help you learn a lot of things about yourself that you don't know already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jefezen Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 So, so called 'nice guys' sit there trying not to say the wrong things, and they don't attract anything, and they make safe moves that nobody notices because they are too worried about what other people think is them. I get increasingly bold in my moves when I sense someone slipping away, and the consequences are almost always deleterious. I just alienate or scare the person all the more and dig a deeper hole for myself. But playing it safe in those situations doesn't necessarily get you anywhere either. Sometimes you have to take risks, fully realizing that they may fail. Link to post Share on other sites
Titania22 Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 I get increasingly bold in my moves when I sense someone slipping away, and the consequences are almost always deleterious. I just alienate or scare the person all the more and dig a deeper hole for myself. But playing it safe in those situations doesn't necessarily get you anywhere either. Sometimes you have to take risks, fully realizing that they may fail. I do exactly the same thing. It's because I would rather someone man up and reject me, rather then do the slow fade. So I push to force closure. Link to post Share on other sites
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