Anonymously telling the BS

[NPP10]

Hi Everyone,

 

First time poster here.

 

I've been the OW in a R for roughly 6 months. I'm toying with the idea of letting the BS know. I THINK she may have an idea, but I'd like to do it anonymously. If she doesn't have an idea, then she likely just doesn't give 2 squats as to what, or whom, her spouse is doing. This will either be through text or a FB message. I guess I'm as much of a coward of wanting to tell her as he is. Although it takes two to tango in this vicious cycle of infidelity, due to the dynamics of the relationship and how I know the MM, I want to protect myself. I blame myself for getting into this mess as I was informed to 'stay away from him as he is nothing but trouble'.

 

Suggestions as to how to do this? What to do/say?

 

I've been reading posts from both the BS and the OW/OM. Right now, words cannot describe the overwhelming amount of feelings going into this. At times, I feel like I'm the only one who is the OW.

[2sure]

Generally, I think doing things like that anonymously is cheap, not to be taken seriously, and only feeds the crazy making.

 

But, having been a BS who initially knew something was wrong, but not what...it would have at least put me on the right track.

 

You are wrong though in assuming she doesn't care if she hasn't noticed. That's just not how it works.

 

I also h think BS should be told regardless of OW's motives. The end result is the same.

 

Why would you feel the need to protect yourself and from what?

[carhill]

IMO, if you're going to disclose anonymously, provide the BS with hard evidence which they can process themselves and form their own conclusions. In today's digital age, authenticated evidence is harder to come by, but still possible. In my day it was film, photograph, audio recording and handwriting.

 

Expect that your association will terminate upon taking such action. It doesn't always happen but plan for the worst and hope for the best. Good luck.

[Jonah]

Assuming that you knew he was married all along, I take it that it was your intent from the beginning to ruin this guys life. Slurping up the drama and pain, nourishing your own existence like a parasitic demon.

[BetrayedH]

Find the courage to tell her personally. Doing it anonymously leaves too much room for her to be gaslighted. Without hard proof, she's bound to believe her husband over some anonymous person. She's going to have questions; answer them.

[Spark1111]

I would not have cared who told me as long as someone did.

 

You will need to send some hard proof because most likely, he will just explain you away into thin air, and if she loves and trusts him, she will want to believe him about that nut job girlfriend from......whatever your association is.

 

So you need hard proof and she needs to be able to verify you are NOT a nut job crazy stalker.

 

Why not have the courage to make yourself avilable to collaborate the facts?

[Decorative]

If you are the OW- it would be good to tell her not anonymously. You are participating in the affair. Own it.

 

In a situation in my town- we told a BS what was going on, and we did it anonymously.

 

We did because we were in an overlapping social circle with the other woman and the betrayed spouse. It's complicated- but the truth was paramount. We did not want to become part of the equation. We wanted to put the affair and protect the BS. But if at any point she had needed help or asked us directly who it was- we would have answered honestly .

 

We wrote a gentle letter, and told her exactly how to confirm it for herself. We apologized for the pain, and told her we wanted her to have the truth of her own life.

 

She was able to follow the directions and confirmed it within hours. She literally caught him in the act.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I THINK she may have an idea, but I'd like to do it anonymously. If she doesn't have an idea, then she likely just doesn't give 2 squats as to what, or whom, her spouse is doing. This will either be through text or a FB message.

 

A few things to ponder

 

1 - She knows that something is "off", but doesn't know what it is. To say "If she doesn't have an idea, then she likely just doesn't give 2 squats as to what, or whom, her spouse is doing" is both callous and insulting.

 

Don't underestimate the WS's ability to LIE and to take full advantage of their BS's trust.

 

2 - Sending a FB message to a Non-Friend goes into the "Other " folder and does not give the person a notification. You message could sit in that folder for a year before she notices it.

[Decorative]

I'm sorry, I could never agree to this course of action. My xMM has 3 kids. Tearing his and the BS's world apart just because of an indiscretion that I have now corrected, seemed like a disproportionate punishment. If there are cracks in the marriage, they will make themselves apparent. Just walk away, leave them to it.

 

Here's the thing- you cannot fix something based on a lie.

 

Honesty is the foundation.

 

The affair is the symptom - usually- of the wayward spouse's problem. It's not fair to attempt to "fix" a problem you haven't identified.

 

Honesty.

 

It's where it's at. You haven't corrected anything by walking away. The damage of the wayward is still with the wayward.