please help me gain my sanity

[fredrolin]

Before I ask for advice on an issue here is a little background:

 

I have been married 10 years. My 23-year-old stepson has always lived with us. He works full time and goes to college. He pays no rent, does no chores, and does what he pleases in our home.

 

I don’t like any of this but I have come to the realization that this is the way my wife wants it and this is the way it is going to be. Fine.

 

What I need is advice on how to cope with things that my stepson does that irritates me. Most of them are little pet peeves but I am obsessed with being irritated by these little things because I have no control in changing them.

 

Examples of some of the things he does:

 

Opens a can of pop. Takes a few sips. Sets the can on the table, walks away. A little time later takes a new can of pop, takes a few sips, sets it down, and walks away. I find open full flat cans of pop all the time.

 

Walk into a room. Turn on lights and the TV. Leave the room or house leaving everything on.

 

Cook something, leave the mess, and never put dishes in the dishwasher.

 

Take a container of ice cream out of the freezer. Get a bowl of ice cream. Leave container of ice cream out all night to melt.

 

You get the idea.

 

I came from a very frugal household where I got punished for doing such things. And it’s not only the issue of the money that I work to earn that he is wasting it’s the “I don’t give a crap” attitude.

 

I have tried confronting my stepson directly about these issues. I get a lame “I’m sorry” but he continues to do it.

 

I have discussed these issues with my wife and her answer is always “I’ll talk to him” but if she does it’s in passing and besides these things really don’t bother her so she really doesn’t make a big deal out of it.

 

I feel defeated and alone. It eats me up inside that I have to live like this and I have no control. The anger consumes me to the point of obsession.

 

I know I can’t do anything about these things so I am begging your advice on how to cope and live with my stepson’s pet peeves before I jump off the roof.

[YellowLioness]

I think that he needs to pay .25 cents for every can of pop he leaves laying flat, and like 4.00 for the ice cream... and whatever else he ruins.

 

I don't see a problem with that because he's only paying for what he wastes.

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by YellowLioness

I think that he needs to pay .25 cents for every can of pop he leaves laying flat, and like 4.00 for the ice cream... and whatever else he ruins.

 

I don't see a problem with that because he's only paying for what he wastes.

 

 

The problem is that my wife doesn't care if he does these things, she just fluffs them off.

 

The money isn't the only issue. It's the laziness, lack of respect for the household, and his selfishness.

 

How do I cope with this problem?

[Moose]

quote:I know I can’t do anything about these things so I am begging your advice on how to cope and live with my stepson’s pet peeves before I jump off the roof.

 

 

 

 

WHAT!!!! You bet your sweet ass you can do something about it!!! Step son or no.....he's living in YOUR house!!! Tell your wife she'd better fix it with him or you're going to.

 

I would take a friggin' stand and tell him what he's doing wrong and what he's going to do to fix it or he can just get out and live on his own with no help from you whatsoever.

 

He can scream and yell at you all he wants about how your not his father and you will most likely catch some flack from the Mrs., but I would stand firm and straighten this kid out. You work hard for your home to pay your bills and feed your family....don't let some punk step son walk all over you. Teach him some respect and put him on the right path. Someone is going to have to and I'm willing to bet you love him so fix him before it's too late....

 

I definitley wouldn't put up with ANY of that crap!!!!

[HokeyReligions]

What Moose said

 

You do NOT have to tolerate this behavior.

 

Opens a can of pop. Takes a few sips. Sets the can on the table, walks away. A little time later takes a new can of pop, takes a few sips, sets it down, and walks away. I find open full flat cans of pop all the time.

 

Don't buy cans. Buy the 2-liter bottles. If he still does this, don't buy pop, except for what you want for yourself. Buy a small fridge and keep it in your room to keep your pop in. Toss the opened bottles of pop into his bed. Throw the dirty sponges or papertowels from cleaning up after him into his bed too, and give him a bill for your time and effort in cleaning up after him.

 

Walk into a room. Turn on lights and the TV. Leave the room or house leaving everything on. Give him a bill for this. Take the bulbs out of the lamps. Take the remote and disconnect the cable (if you have that) from the TV--or if you have cable/dish you should have the ability to lock channels. Lock all the channels and don't tell him the passwords! Take away his house key so he knows he can't get back in unless you are there to let him in.

 

Cook something, leave the mess, and never put dishes in the dishwasher. Again, throw all the dirty dishes in his bed -- including the dirty sponges, etc. that are used to clean the counters, etc.

 

Take a container of ice cream out of the freezer. Get a bowl of ice cream. Leave container of ice cream out all night to melt. Buy your own ice cream to keep in the fridge in your room. Throw everything into his bed.

 

Don't let him sleep on the couch!

 

This kind of stuff just really pisses me off. I know he's your wife's son, but she needs to be an adult about it and not let this kid get away with it!!! Even if he pays rent, he shouldn't behave this way. Tell your wife that if she values you at all, cares anything about you, that she will stop letting him get away with this and put her foot down, or at least back you up--even if it's hard for her to do. Tell her the kid is driving a major wedge between you two.

 

for you

 

 

This just pisses me off so bad!!!!! I went through something like this with my 18 y/o nephew who stayed with us for a while. He figured we were his servants. Slept until 2 in the afternoon, stayed out all night, never picked up after himself. Some of the things I suggested above are things that I did with him. His parents wouldn't do it because they 'loved him so' [said with sarcasm] and my nephew claimed his parents were always harping on him and wouldn't let him live his own life so he asked to stay with us. It took a while, but he finally learned that living his own life does NOT mean that he can make slaves out of family members. When he finally got his own apartment he never took care of anything until he started bringing girls home and they saw his slovenly ways and dumped him! THEN he realized.

 

There's another suggestion---does your step-son have girlfriends? Do they come over? Let them see how he treats his home and family and maybe they will get through to him.

 

Or, do like my mother did with my brother and my older sister --- throw him out!

 

Oh, this kind of thing really gets me.

[YellowLioness]

my mom would have NEVER tolerated that kind of behavior.

 

For one thing, she believed(s) that it spoils the child

and for another, that the child will never learn how to survive on it's own if the parents do not teach it.

 

 

Your wife is crippling her son by allowing him to continue bad habbits. In life, no one will be there to pick up his pop cans, or to put the ice cream away, that is, unless he hires a maid.

 

However, considering his youth, I doubt that.

 

Also, most men treat their wives liek they do their mothers. My fiance and I have had problems with this similar type of behavior. Your wife will only make things bad for the person that he dates, and who will eventually move in with him.

 

She thinks she is being kind now, however, the real world is not always a kind place, and the earlier that someone learns how to survive in it, the better.

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by YellowLioness

Your wife is crippling her son by allowing him to continue bad habbits.

She thinks she is being kind now, however, the real world is not always a kind place, and the earlier that someone learns how to survive in it, the better.

 

 

 

This is what I have tried to tell my wife. But she doesn't see a problem.

 

Another problem is guilt.

 

Her son's father died when he was 5 years old and my wife raised him alone and they had next to nothing.

 

Today we live a pretty good life and we have a daughter together that is living a way better childhood then what my wife was able to provide for her son, so now she feels guilty and is trying to be overly nice and easy on him in order to satisfy her guilt.

 

Yes she is only hurting him and not preparing him for life.

 

He doesn't care about wasting things because he has no concept of what it takes to run a household.

[Moose]

Originally posted by fredrolin

This is what I have tried to tell my wife. But she doesn't see a problem.

 

Another problem is guilt.

 

Her son's father died when he was 5 years old and my wife raised him alone and they had next to nothing.

 

Today we live a pretty good life and we have a daughter together that is living a way better childhood then what my wife was able to provide for her son, so now she feels guilty and is trying to be overly nice and easy on him in order to satisfy her guilt.

 

Yes she is only hurting him and not preparing him for life.

 

He doesn't care about wasting things because he has no concept of what it takes to run a household.

 

This is getting nuts, posting about the same issue in two places......so, you're providing a better childhood to your daughter and your wife is feeling guilty and trying to make up for it towards her son???? That's no excuse for him to behave like a spoiled wasteful punk.

 

You are providing a better livelyhood for both kids.....your step son needs to realize this and your wife needs to back you up on it like hokey said.

 

I'm not afraid to walk up to someone like that and lay it all down for them.......it's BULL!!!!!!!!!!

[YellowLioness]

Today we live a pretty good life and we have a daughter together that is living a way better childhood then what my wife was able to provide for her son, so now she feels guilty and is trying to be overly nice and easy on him in order to satisfy her guil

 

Not everyone gets to have a fun childhood. I may sound a bit bitter, but I know from experience that that's just the breaks of the game.

 

No matter how hard his child hood was, it is still no excuse for his inibility to pick up after himself. Your wife should not feel guilty about the childhood she gave her son if she did her best.

 

In all likelyhood, he learned some very important life lessons during that period. Those lessons are nothign to be ashamed of, and your wife should not feel that she has to make anything up to him.

 

He's an adult now; regardless of what she does its up to him to make his own way.

[fredrolin]

So what everyone is saying is that I am a fool to let this 23 year old "man" walk all over me and I should demand a change in his behavior even if it causes constant friction and fights in my household.

 

So you are saying there is no way to cope with it?

 

The problem with standing up to this situation is that it will surely put a strain on my marriage to the point of my wife wanting to end the marriage. We have been through this before.

 

She will always choose her son and her views on how she raises him over me and my opinion.

 

Our 8 year old daughter is my main concern.

[YellowLioness]

Well, personally, I think you should stand up for yourself. However, the best you can do if you don't want to cause fights or friction is to ignore the boy.

 

My guess is that you will learn a new meaning to the word,"patience."

 

Also, take your daughter aside and tell her that you know things are funny around the house, but just impress upon her that she needs to continue being a good girl, if she is one. Tell her to not let her brother's actions influence hers.

 

Otherwise, she may pick up bad habbits from this 23 year old toddler.

[Moose]

quote:Originally posted by fredrolin

So what everyone is saying is that I am a fool to let this 23 year old "man" walk all over me and I should demand a change in his behavior even if it causes constant friction and fights in my household.

 

So you are saying there is no way to cope with it?

 

The problem with standing up to this situation is that it will surely put a strain on my marriage to the point of my wife wanting to end the marriage. We have been through this before.

 

She will always choose her son and her views on how she raises him over me and my opinion.

 

Our 8 year old daughter is my main concern.

 

 

 

If your wife is choosing her son over you, then what seems to be your problem with causing strain? That information is enough for me to tell her, "Fine, you and your son go live else where".

 

I'm sure you love your wife dearly and would hate to lose her....but come on!!! You should be number 1 on her list even over her son. She should be showing you the respect you deserve. In the biblical sense, when she married you she gave control of her life, and her children's lives over to you. If she can't follow your orders or demands, she's got to learn!!! Now, these orders and demands are of the reasonable sort.......I wouldn't order or demand anything that isn't within reason.

 

Seriously, you are the head of your household, and that's your castle they're living in. You better get control of it. Don't let your wife's threats of divorce scare you. The judge won't grant it for trying to get a grip on her son. Chances are he'll scold your wife for allowing it.

 

You 8 year old is watching every one of big brother's moves. What do you think she's learning? I'm sure you don't want the same wiring in her as your step sons......if she's your main concern, that ALL the more reason to demand change in his behavior!!!

[YellowLioness]

If your wife is choosing her son over you, then what seems to be your problem with causing strain? That information is enough for me to tell her, "Fine, you and your son go live else where".

 

I'm sure you love your wife dearly and would hate to lose her....but come on!!! You should be number 1 on her list even over her son. She should be showing you the respect you deserve.

 

I agree with MOose, but not for biblical reasons. When you marry someone, the couple has to come before all others, including children. The children should be an addition to your marriage, but they should not rule it.