how to get started dating? afraid that I am undateable

[sloopy]

I am new to the forums. If the contents of this post are inappropriate to these forums, and if you can suggest a better place that I can post, please let me know.

 

I am a 39 year old single man. I've never been married. I have had a few relationships here and there, not many. My last girlfriend I dated for a few months a couple of years ago - a mutual friend set us up. Unfortunately, she turned out to be seriously mentally ill. The relationship went sour - really sour. I know sometimes people will say that their gf or bf is/was crazy, but she was really crazy, and it went very badly and she ended up taking her life about six months ago, although we hadn't spoken in about a year and a half at that point.

 

Prior to that, I hadn't been in a sexual relationship for ten years. The bottom line it that I grew up with an a severely dysfunctional family and spent those ten year in and out of therapy trying to figure out why I was unable to initiate sexual relationships with women. It takes a long time to work through these things. I greatly enjoy sex - don't get me wrong - but I have had serious trust issues. My mother was extremely abusive. I feel "wrong" coming on to women. I've turned down many (not that many) women that I've found attractive, not for any rational reason, but because something inside me prevented me and filled me with deep fear. I've forced myself to ask out women that have agreed to go out with me and then the paralysis set in - these are ramifications of my upbringing with which I've had to come to terms. Basically, my mother never showed me any love or affection, she is incapable of it, for whatever reason, and it is hard for me to deal with it from other women.

 

In my twenties, I spent some time in Europe and went to a few prostitutes. That was never fun - it's not for me. I would always need to get several drinks in me to work up the courage, and I always felt bad about it. I should probably mention that I went to Catholic school for ten years.

 

I've had periods of my life where I've had an active social life, but not right now. I've lived in several places in America and in Europe. I was living in San Francisco for several years before getting fed up with it, and deciding that I wanted to move back to NYC where I grew up. That was a terrible mistake, maybe, but I suppose I had to do it to face my demons. I've recently relocated to a new city.

 

Anyway - I am going to be turning 40 in half a year. Now I'm starting to get frightened. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I've been flirting with online dating, but I put some weight due to a lot of stress I was going through the past few years, and I feel that I need to get in shape to get whatever mojo I've had back.

 

 

I've always felt weird, but now I feel really weird - I don't want to be one of those lonely weird guys you see waiting for the bus. I'm reading online forums where apparently 40 year old men that have never been married are considered "bad news" by women. I don't know what else to say.

[todreaminblue]

I am new to the forums. If the contents of this post are inappropriate to these forums, and if you can suggest a better place that I can post, please let me know.

 

I am a 39 year old single man. I've never been married. I have had a few relationships here and there, not many. My last girlfriend I dated for a few months a couple of years ago - a mutual friend set us up. Unfortunately, she turned out to be seriously mentally ill. The relationship went sour - really sour. I know sometimes people will say that their gf or bf is/was crazy, but she was really crazy, and it went very badly and she ended up taking her life about six months ago, although we hadn't spoken in about a year and a half at that point.

 

Prior to that, I hadn't been in a sexual relationship for ten years. The bottom line it that I grew up with an a severely dysfunctional family and spent those ten year in and out of therapy trying to figure out why I was unable to initiate sexual relationships with women. It takes a long time to work through these things. I greatly enjoy sex - don't get me wrong - but I have had serious trust issues. My mother was extremely abusive. I feel "wrong" coming on to women. I've turned down many (not that many) women that I've found attractive, not for any rational reason, but because something inside me prevented me and filled me with deep fear. I've forced myself to ask out women that have agreed to go out with me and then the paralysis set in - these are ramifications of my upbringing with which I've had to come to terms. Basically, my mother never showed me any love or affection, she is incapable of it, for whatever reason, and it is hard for me to deal with it from other women.

 

In my twenties, I spent some time in Europe and went to a few prostitutes. That was never fun - it's not for me. I would always need to get several drinks in me to work up the courage, and I always felt bad about it. I should probably mention that I went to Catholic school for ten years.

 

I've had periods of my life where I've had an active social life, but not right now. I've lived in several places in America and in Europe. I was living in San Francisco for several years before getting fed up with it, and deciding that I wanted to move back to NYC where I grew up. That was a terrible mistake, maybe, but I suppose I had to do it to face my demons. I've recently relocated to a new city.

 

Anyway - I am going to be turning 40 in half a year. Now I'm starting to get frightened. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I've been flirting with online dating, but I put some weight due to a lot of stress I was going through the past few years, and I feel that I need to get in shape to get whatever mojo I've had back.

 

 

I've always felt weird, but now I feel really weird - I don't want to be one of those lonely weird guys you see waiting for the bus. I'm reading online forums where apparently 40 year old men that have never been married are considered "bad news" by women. I don't know what else to say.

 

 

i am a 44 year old woman.....I have never married....but....i was ina fifteen year relationship and before that three years in a relationship ....its not the "married " thing that women might be a bit skeptical of...its relationships...able to form lasting relationships....i have been single for quite a few years now havent had that since i was a teen.....I honestly only have one question to ask you.......

 

do you feel that you could be in a long lasting relationship?? do you feel ready to ride out the bad times with the good times in a relationship...lol...ok two questions....;0)..

 

 

 

not wanting to be alone isnt a really good reason to be in one by the way if that is your only motivation......another way to put it might be...i want to find someone to share lifes path with....someone i love who loves me back...........deb

[sloopy]

that's a good question. I'd like to think that I am capable of commitment. My last relationship with the woman who took her life - I tried to help her. I've already discussed this ad nauseum on a forum for people in a relationship with someone with BPD and also with a therapist. She was crazy and I couldn't help her. I still have bad feelings about leaving her, although I am rational enough that when I play it back in my mind, there's nothing I could have done.

 

I've had lasting relationships with people from back home. I also have old female friends. Most of my relationships with people back home went sour shortly after moving there. I think there was a lot of resentment due to the fact that I was able to leave and they weren't. I don't know.

 

I have a few friends that I talk with on the phone occasionally. Nobody near bye.

 

As far as intimate relationships with women are concerned - I am honest to a fault. Also, as a consequence of growing up in such a crazy family, I can almost always tell when I'm being lied to or manipulated, and this makes commitment very difficult. I'm not the kind of person that will attack someone for lying to me, I will just look the other way until it gets to a point where I can't look the other way anymore. Also, I see a lot of friends who are in relationships are looking for a mommy, and that's not something that I am looking for. I am looking for a companion that has similar interests to me.

 

I've in the past followed my passion - this has connected me with some very bad women - to the point where I don't trust my passion anymore.

[sloopy]

suppose I can't improve my physical appearance - I've always been overweight, but my weight fluctuates from "gross" to "can wear clothes off of the rack". I ran a marathon - 26.2 miles, and I was still overweight. In retrospect, running a marathon is a terrible way to lose weight because the training makes you hungry all of the time.

 

but my weight has always been a big hangup for me. my entire life. It may be my cross to bear. I can run circles around many thinner guys, just because I'm overweight I'm out of the game? I'm 6'2", I've got a pretty good career that gives me a lot of freedom to write my own ticket...but because I can't take my shirt off at the beach, I'm gonna never have any fun? Is that what you are telling me?

[sillyanswer]

I have had a few relationships here and there, not many.

 

So you're not "undateable" as per the topic, so stop thinking like that!

 

Having that attitude or belief doesn't help, especially when it's clearly untrue! Ask yourself this: why would a woman want to date a man who thinks so badly of himself that he considers himself to be undateable? Do you think it's an attractive mindset?

 

in and out of therapy trying to figure out why I was unable to initiate sexual relationships with women.

 

Ok, so you've sought professional help in this area. That's great! What did your therapist suggest? Did you follow the advice? Did it help? We're a bunch of amateurs, so if we give contradictory advice from that of your therapists please remember that.

 

I see from another post that you're overweight. That won't do you any favours, in general (although of course there are people out there who like to date overweight people). Is that something you can change?

 

Well done on running a marathon! That's a huge achievement.

[hppr]

i want to find someone to share lifes path with

 

This is the important part when it comes to relationships. At 40 you're too old to be thinking about kids so it's going to be more about a companion who shares your interests.

[outsidethebox]

OP, weight wise there are many women who have weight issues like you and so you should have no problem with them.

 

I am like rest of you, I did have a six year marriage in younger days but economic stress from becoming unemployed ended that. Have not been in a relationship or anything resembling a relationship for last 30 years. Am I capable of a long term relationship? Who knows? At my age now I guess we're past finding out.

 

OP, I can tell you with some certainty that even in best of cases OLD is unlikely to work. In your case it might work if you looked for kindred spirits in your area and specified the large size women. There are women who have similar issues and maybe your commonality is what it takes to transcend those isuues.

[sloopy]

 

OP, I can tell you with some certainty that even in best of cases OLD is unlikely to work.

 

is OLD an acronym, because otherwise I'm not sure what you mean?

[outsidethebox]

OnLine Dating. Refers to all the dating sites. Everyone says OLD rather than online dating so you'll see it often.

[sloopy]

looks are overrated as hell. I've gotten a million compliments in my life for being handsome and I have the body of a football player and you've had a lot more success than I have

 

I thought you were a women. Why are you saying that I sound like a nice guy? That sounds good coming from a woman, but when I hear it coming from a man, I am reminded that "nice guys finish last."

[sloopy]

OP, I can tell you with some certainty that even in best of cases OLD is unlikely to work.

 

 

Why is OLD not likely to work? I'm not saying I disagree with you, but I know a few couples that have met through OLD. All other married couples that I know of met in their hometown, at a young age.

 

This may sound shallow, but I am not interested in women with excessive weight problems. It's not that I don't find them attractive because of their weight, but women tend to place so much importance on looks, that when they are overweight they are tend to be debiliatingly insecure.

 

Regardless, I am not looking to get married. I want to have someone to go out with and do things with, go to the movies, take a trip. I can think about marriage later on.

[outsidethebox]

You can't expect the woman to be in better shape than you are. In any event I've offered what I could.

 

Good luck to you.

[sloopy]

You can't expect the woman to be in better shape than you are. In any event I've offered what I could.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Why do you think OLD doesnt work?

 

Also, I'm in pretty good shape. I have excess body fat, for sure, but I have a lot of endurance and strength. I am not a couch potato.

 

You really feel that physical compatibility is the most important thing? That's very depressing. Why care fore somebody at all if all you are is a piece of meat to them?