Healing?

[pureinheart]

The chain of events that God has led me to in the past few hours is nothing less than amazing, and yet so hurtful.

 

I know a bit better why my life took such a wrong turn. I'm not blaming anyone, just looking for answers. There are so many repressed memories, but tonight, miraculously, one was revealed and it's one of the 'biggies'.

 

A few years ago while watching the movie "Splendor in the Grass", I saw myself in Deanie's character. Lacking the strength to see the entire truth I repressed it. Then about a year ago the movie kept popping into my head. Tonight I watched one of Natalie Woods childhood movies and I googled her...there the movie "Splendor in the Grass" was again. I watched a clip and wow, that almost exact thing happened to me.

 

 

I had just found out my first boyfriend of two years had an ONS. I was in Psychology class and was called on to answer a question and began crying profusely and ran out of the class. I was never the same after that, both spiritually and psychologically...we had planned to be married after HS, I was 16 then and he was 18. Both my boyfriend and the girl he had the ONS with were in the same class and she looked much like the girl in this scene...it was horrible.

 

This is hard to type.

 

The snippet from Wordsworth's poem is a major theme. In the poem, Wordsworth was looking upon Nature and realizing that he no longer sees it, or experiences it, with that same childhood innocence ('splendor in the grass, glory in the flower") which Wordsworth saw as "closer to heaven." And once the innocence is lost, the world is changed forever, and less magical. But Wordsworth leaves on a hopeful note, saying that though he'll never have that innocence back, at least he has the memory of it, and that will have to be enough to sustain him. If you substitute first love for Nature, it's pretty much Deanie's story. She will never see things the same way, or experience love in the same way (which is to say, untarnished by experience). But she'll try to find strength in the memory and move on with her life. It's all she can do.

 

This (in bold) is from one who gives a description of the movie and best describes what happened to me.

 

Being somewhat fragile anyway, although nothing that some counselling and TLC couldn't fix, my life turned very dark after that and now know that this incident was a turning point in the wrong direction. It has left me with the feeling of never truly reconciling with God- the detachment was that great, with only brief points in time of feeling saved.

 

I forget what the word is for this, although it's like disassociating oneself from life- being in it, but not at the same time. It's getting worse and there is fear.

 

My head knowledge and heart knowledge are not lining up. I know of Gods compassion and understanding of why we do the the things we do or have done, yet am unable to forgive myself...is that it?

 

I would so appreciate any and all spiritual guidance:)

Edited May 1, 2013 by pureinheart

[Eve]

What does ONS stand for?

 

That looks like a good film..

 

I was reading something similiar in the infidelity forum where people were saying they were never the same again after news of the affair. It was to them a disruption that had forever tainted how they saw the potential in other relationships. I couldn't relate and was told it was because I had not experienced it - my innocence was in tact.

 

Faithwise I tend to see Jesus as being there really for the broken hearted and what you describe as occuring psychologically and spiritually I have named as a 'mortal wound'.

 

What do you want to happen? What do you think is missing?

 

LOL, got it.. one night stand!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[OpenBook]

Two things that immediately popped into my mind, pure - one, I know all too well that feeling of losing innocence and subsequently the magic (I distinctly remember telling myself when it was slipping away as I grew out of my childhood... "Remember the magic - never forget"). And two, God is with us ESPECIALLY during our darkest hours, if we would just reach out to Him and hang on to His hand.

 

That's all I've got for now. As always with your posts, you leave me a lot to ponder on!! You're a big blessing to me girl. <<<hugs to pih>>>

[TaraMaiden]

What does ONS stand for?

 

One Night Stand

Edited May 1, 2013 by TaraMaiden

[Eve]

One Night Stand

 

Yeah, I got it in the end. It did perplex me though..

 

Take care,

Eve x

[TaraMaiden]

(I keep thinking OLD is precisely what it means. Dating site for pensioners..... )

[pureinheart]

What does ONS stand for?

 

That looks like a good film..

 

I was reading something similiar in the infidelity forum where people were saying they were never the same again after news of the affair. It was to them a disruption that had forever tainted how they saw the potential in other relationships. I couldn't relate and was told it was because I had not experienced it - my innocence was in tact.

 

Faithwise I tend to see Jesus as being there really for the broken hearted and what you describe as occuring psychologically and spiritually I have named as a 'mortal wound'.

 

What do you want to happen? What do you think is missing?

 

LOL, got it.. one night stand!

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Eve, the film is really good. A bit on the dramtic side, which teen years can be very dramatic. It's hard to relate to that type of drama now, but it brought back memories of how dramatic I was. The fits of crying, the inability to handle trama.

 

In bold- this is gold. You have placed a name to a problem and that's the the beginning of what I'm looking for- validation. I want to pin point issues and make sense of them, make sense of my life so that the future can be better and more in tune with the Lord. Some periods of my life are fragmented.

 

There has been great conflict and comprimise in my life due to growing up during the "sexual revolution" ...always feeling less than, different, unusual because of wanting to wait for marriage and have only one partner.

 

Some might say it was "religious indoctrination" due to my very different conservative views of sex outside of marriage. It wasn't. It was a view/ideal that fit my personality. Then things changed, and I went with the flow fearing to loose the person I was with at the time, and then this led to a change.

 

The real indoctrination that took place was the secular idea of sex before marriage, living together and such...subconsciously to fit in and supress the inner conflict...which actually only intensified it.

 

Thank you Eve:love: the wording of "mortal wound" opened the door to understanding, and that is what I seek:D

 

In this particular situation, my boyfriend and the girl he had sex with both came to me and told me. They were at a party and it happened. I respect how they handled it...she was an exgf and not smug like the one depicted in this movie, she was really a nice girl, just drunk and made a mistake.

 

Like 'Bud' in the movie, my bf felt extreme guilt...he was a really good, intelligent guy, and he did love me deeply. I was quite the handful unfortunately, especially after his ONS.

 

Eve, I want to reconcile with God and my past. I can see things going in the proper direction now, and want the entire enchillada:) all or nothing...

[pureinheart]

Two things that immediately popped into my mind, pure - one, I know all too well that feeling of losing innocence and subsequently the magic (I distinctly remember telling myself when it was slipping away as I grew out of my childhood... "Remember the magic - never forget"). And two, God is with us ESPECIALLY during our darkest hours, if we would just reach out to Him and hang on to His hand.

 

That's all I've got for now. As always with your posts, you leave me a lot to ponder on!! You're a big blessing to me girl. <<<hugs to pih>>>

 

Awwww, what a cool post! Thinking now, loosing my innocence was comprimise- comprimising who I was. It's like at that very moment in class, I knew there would be changes psychologically, and like wih prior traumas, I enacted my childhood ways of dealing with such things...basically taking the easy way out (for me, I expect noone to hold my views)...which turned out to be the very hard way.

 

I just want to put out there that the 'signature' (of one of our members) that has helped me the most, and fits how I really feel and think is (and this is paraphrasing) I didn't say be like me, be you, and make a difference.

 

In order to do this one has to line up completely concerning who they are and what they believe. I hate being all over the place, meaning the inner conflict.

 

OB- please feel free to communicate anything you want that, anything that might help the pondering...it blesses me for others to gain the answers they seek. AND, you have been a major blessing to me!

[pureinheart]

(I keep thinking OLD is precisely what it means. Dating site for pensioners..... )

 

When first seeing "OLD", it threw me at first- this is good!

[Eve]

Eve, the film is really good. A bit on the dramtic side, which teen years can be very dramatic. It's hard to relate to that type of drama now, but it brought back memories of how dramatic I was. The fits of crying, the inability to handle trama.

 

In bold- this is gold. You have placed a name to a problem and that's the the beginning of what I'm looking for- validation. I want to pin point issues and make sense of them, make sense of my life so that the future can be better and more in tune with the Lord. Some periods of my life are fragmented.

 

There has been great conflict and comprimise in my life due to growing up during the "sexual revolution" ...always feeling less than, different, unusual because of wanting to wait for marriage and have only one partner.

 

Some might say it was "religious indoctrination" due to my very different conservative views of sex outside of marriage. It wasn't. It was a view/ideal that fit my personality. Then things changed, and I went with the flow fearing to loose the person I was with at the time, and then this led to a change.

 

The real indoctrination that took place was the secular idea of sex before marriage, living together and such...subconsciously to fit in and supress the inner conflict...which actually only intensified it.

 

Thank you Eve:love: the wording of "mortal wound" opened the door to understanding, and that is what I seek:D

 

In this particular situation, my boyfriend and the girl he had sex with both came to me and told me. They were at a party and it happened. I respect how they handled it...she was an exgf and not smug like the one depicted in this movie, she was really a nice girl, just drunk and made a mistake.

 

Like 'Bud' in the movie, my bf felt extreme guilt...he was a really good, intelligent guy, and he did love me deeply. I was quite the handful unfortunately, especially after his ONS.

 

Eve, I want to reconcile with God and my past. I can see things going in the proper direction now, and want the entire enchillada:) all or nothing...

 

What's done is done. I try hard not to remember Secondary School and can imagine that was terrible to go through. Must say though that they were both pretty civil about the whole thing. The bitchy looking girl in the film clip would probably have been too much to take, lol.

 

Hey, sometimes we do not have much of a template to move on from and that's ok. I think it would be good to prayerfully concentrate on renewal and transformation of the heart, mind and body.

 

I didn't have any real guidance growing up and had no idea what I was doing, lol. It's been hard to move on from some parts.

 

I was most concerned about your comment regarding dissociation -

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)

 

If any of this rings a bell I would urge you to be careful with how you put God first. Attachment disorders are a funny thing and can be a mask upon a mask upon a mask. Hence it is important that you must not try to swallow any extreme feelings, cover them over or hide them via faith. This is why I named it a 'mortal wound' because it can feel (in my experience) that one is trapped in all things concerning their mortality.

 

Personally I raged at God and COULD not trust Him for the longest time. So, although you want to be real, please do not put too much pressure on yourself, especially if you have had many traumas.

 

Really hope you have good support in real life. Key people came along - no, were sent to help me and I am so grateful they came along when they did and were able to see me. Once you have accepted Christ it is about feeding ones faith with good things as far as possible. Though really things may not be rosey and may still be hard in parts - but healing does come. I believe you have it already, as I did from the moment I believed. Previous trauma can take time to process though, although I am sure there are those who have experienced otherwise. Faith helped me to live the trauma out off my mind, body and soul.

 

Please stay open and keep sharing your thoughts and feelings, even if they may sound a little off or whatever.

 

In my heart and my prayers,

Take care,

Eve x

Edited May 1, 2013 by Eve

[pureinheart]

What's done is done. I try hard not to remember Secondary School and can imagine that was terrible to go through. Must say though that they were both pretty civil about the whole thing. The bitchy looking girl in the film clip would probably have been too much to take, lol.

 

Hey, sometimes we do not have much of a template to move on from and that's ok. I think it would be good to prayerfully concentrate on renewal and transformation of the heart, mind and body.

 

I didn't have any real guidance growing up and had no idea what I was doing, lol. It's been hard to move on from some parts.

 

I was most concerned about your comment regarding dissociation -

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology)

 

If any of this rings a bell I would urge you to be careful with how you put God first. Attachment disorders are a funny thing and can be a mask upon a mask upon a mask. Hence it is important that you must not try to swallow any extreme feelings, cover them over or hide them via faith. This is why I named it a 'mortal wound' because it can feel (in my experience) that one is trapped in all things concerning their mortality.

 

Personally I raged at God and COULD not trust Him for the longest time. So, although you want to be real, please do not put too much pressure on yourself, especially if you have had many traumas.

 

Really hope you have good support in real life. Key people came along - no, were sent to help me and I am so grateful they came along when they did and were able to see me. Once you have accepted Christ it is about feeding ones faith with good things as far as possible. Though really things may not be rosey and may still be hard in parts - but healing does come. I believe you have it already, as I did from the moment I believed. Previous trauma can take time to process though, although I am sure there are those who have experienced otherwise. Faith helped me to live the trauma out off my mind, body and soul.

 

Please stay open and keep sharing your thoughts and feelings, even if they may sound a little off or whatever.

 

In my heart and my prayers,

Take care,

Eve x

 

Actually, I have been very fortunate even in the unfortunate circumstances to have people that did take resposibility and were civil.

 

Your advice in invaluable (bold), and that is what I will do:) you are right on target with the direction of prayer- thank you:D

 

I'll have to talk to my doctor as I think he was the one that gave a dissociative diagnosis at one point. After reading the link, some applies, the more mild definitions. Detachment, takng myself mentally out of a situation in order to cope, repressed memory (which is a common defense mechanism that can actually work for the good until one is strong enough to handle the truth of thematter) and "not knowing what I'm doing" at times...just kind of a spaced out feeling.

 

Eve, you seem like you've done well and experienced some if not much adversity yourself- you are an inspiration to all of us!

 

A very wise friend early on in my walk suggested that I be real with God, He knows anyway. After having many adult temper tantrums concerning God, I have to say, they really helped...most Christians would cringe if I were to tell them how real I was with God- but why hide it, it was in my heart...oh and I did hide in my faith at times- bigtime as a matter of fact, letting stuff go and being the "doormat" because that is what I thought was expected. Now I just avoid toxic/hurtful people and have learned how to say no to users- funny how that works, users only like people they can use lol:)

 

You know Eve, I'm usually the one giving support and no, looking around me now, there is little support, so this needs to change ...thank you for bringing this up, this needs to be addressed!

 

You are such a doll and I love you thanking God for you, especially with this last thread! GBU love!