ViresSanctity Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 As a backup-cushion, have you been keeping someone as an emergency escape in case your MW/MM screws you over? I find most of the OW/OM getting a really bad rap even though it's the MW/MM who's juggling multiple affairs, a lot of times with more than one OW. Link to post Share on other sites
DelusionalOne Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I'm not a 100% sure what you are asking but this was my first, only and absolutely last! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DelusionalOne Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Lol... Now I understand and it totally didn't pertain to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViresSanctity Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 From what i have read here: Many Single OWs have tried desperately to date single men so they can leave the EMR. However, most of the time they fail. The single men do not give these women the high they get from married cheating men. Pierre, your feedback is always appreciated but what is your personal experience? If you don't feel like answering please feel free to ignore this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetBella1 Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I was a MW involved with a MM. It was my first A but his 3rd, or at least that's how many he admitted. The A got way more emotionally intense than I'd wanted, at MM's insistence. Neither of us planned to leave our spouses so it felt like we were going 100 mph straight toward a brick wall. I began to feel entirely anxious about the fact that this guy (more seasoned with affairs) could CRUSH me, emotionally. My worry began to equal the pleasure. I can't compartmentalize my emotions, and he had me in the palm of his hand. I kind of resented it, because I'd never wanted to fall in love, never wanted all-day, every-day communications and intensity. But it had to be that way for him. As some sort of quiet defiance, I created a "back up" of sorts, I had a dating profile that xMM didn't know about, as a matter of fact I lied to him when he suspected that I might have a secret profile. But in my mind, the profile was simply a mechanism to keep me feeling secure....you know...to remind me that he was not the ONLY guy in the universe. Somehow I thought it would keep our A on better footing. I didn't meet with any men from the profile, and didn't do much cyber chatting either. It was just there as my pitiful, insecure safety net. xMM figured it out about my profile and he resented the lie even though I assured him that I hadn't been with anyone else, and I think he did believe that. But he broke up with me over it. Oops. Guess I didn't have to be seeing another guy on the side to mess things up! Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 No I did not have anyone as a back up plan while in the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Seems like I should have kept my H as a backup plan but I was too stupid, naive, idiotic, ridiculous, 'loyal', whatever to do that. So now xMM is having a great time making up for all the ****ty things he did to his W out of extreme guilt/love/whatever (rightfully so) and I'm having the worst day of my life. I once told him...Keep it up and you'll be left with no one wanting you. On angry days I still think this but on most days I want to just be indifferent. Yeah so...get a back up...bc in the end your 'loyalty' to MOW isn't going to get you much. Who knows... Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Praying, I don't agree about getting a back up. I sympathize with how you feel and first want to offer a big hug (((((()))))))) getting a back up isn't going to make it better, less painful, etc. To me that is a recipe for disaster. I know its hard right now, I am sorry for your pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViresSanctity Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 Seems like I should have kept my H as a backup plan but I was too stupid, naive, idiotic, ridiculous, 'loyal', whatever to do that. So now xMM is having a great time making up for all the ****ty things he did to his W out of extreme guilt/love/whatever (rightfully so) and I'm having the worst day of my life. I once told him...Keep it up and you'll be left with no one wanting you. On angry days I still think this but on most days I want to just be indifferent. Yeah so...get a back up...bc in the end your 'loyalty' to MOW isn't going to get you much. Who knows... Would it be right to keep your H as a back up? I think you did the right thing. Your OMM hit a new low. I can't figure out why women would take back a man after he cheated on her, but breaks up if he tells her to make him a samwich. It all revolves around self-validation I'm guessing? Seems to be the theme phrase on this forum. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ViresSanctity Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 I was a MW involved with a MM. It was my first A but his 3rd, or at least that's how many he admitted. The A got way more emotionally intense than I'd wanted, at MM's insistence. Neither of us planned to leave our spouses so it felt like we were going 100 mph straight toward a brick wall. I began to feel entirely anxious about the fact that this guy (more seasoned with affairs) could CRUSH me, emotionally. My worry began to equal the pleasure. I can't compartmentalize my emotions, and he had me in the palm of his hand. I kind of resented it, because I'd never wanted to fall in love, never wanted all-day, every-day communications and intensity. But it had to be that way for him. As some sort of quiet defiance, I created a "back up" of sorts, I had a dating profile that xMM didn't know about, as a matter of fact I lied to him when he suspected that I might have a secret profile. But in my mind, the profile was simply a mechanism to keep me feeling secure....you know...to remind me that he was not the ONLY guy in the universe. Somehow I thought it would keep our A on better footing. I didn't meet with any men from the profile, and didn't do much cyber chatting either. It was just there as my pitiful, insecure safety net. xMM figured it out about my profile and he resented the lie even though I assured him that I hadn't been with anyone else, and I think he did believe that. But he broke up with me over it. Oops. Guess I didn't have to be seeing another guy on the side to mess things up! You guys had really different expectations. It's good he broke up because he realizes his he can't have those expectations of you realistically. If he didn't stop himself from being with you, you'd only go through more madness and not get what you were looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
SweetBella1 Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 You guys had really different expectations. It's good he broke up because he realizes his he can't have those expectatiof you realistically. If he didn't stop himself from being with you, you'd only go through more madness and not get what you were looking for. Yes we definitely had different expectations. To him, we were supposed to own one another. That seemed unrealistic to me since we're both married to other people w/no plans to divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
firstandlast Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 As a backup-cushion, have you been keeping someone as an emergency escape in case your MW/MM screws you over? I find most of the OW/OM getting a really bad rap even though it's the MW/MM who's juggling multiple affairs, a lot of times with more than one OW. I didn't have a backup OP, but my xMOW did. Several, in fact. In the end, I unwittingly became the backup. The silver lining is that being in this role gave me a taste -- admittedly, a tiny, tiny taste -- of how my wife felt during the affair and our ongoing reconciliation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SweetiePie12 Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 As a backup-cushion, have you been keeping someone as an emergency escape in case your MW/MM screws you over? No, LOL, my heart doesn't work like that. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 When I met my mm I was married. I ended my marriage a few months into the affair. Over the years I have dated other men but only as activity partners and I told my mm all about the few male friends I hung out with. He would be a bit jealous but he also trusts me. Link to post Share on other sites
Praying4Peace Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 Would it be right to keep your H as a back up? I think you did the right thing. Your OMM hit a new low. I can't figure out why women would take back a man after he cheated on her, but breaks up if he tells her to make him a samwich. It all revolves around self-validation I'm guessing? Seems to be the theme phrase on this forum. I hope this isn't a threadjack but mid-affair once when things were relatively stable I asked my H a hypothetical. If I told him I really was happy with someone else and I really loved that person and wanted to be with that person, what would he say? He replied "I'd want you to tell me you'd rather be with me and love ME." And I said "What if I was lying- would you still want me to say that?" His answer? "Yes, I prefer you lie to me." That really stuck with me. I didn't. He deserves better than knowing that he was second choice and me lying about it later when ex-MM ran off. Yeah, I can't do back up. Link to post Share on other sites
Mycatsnuggles Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 Pretty sure I am his back up now. He keeps me because he doesn't know how to end and perhaps he hasn't found a viable replacement yet. He's my only. I have thought of replacing him, I just don't want another, I want only him... Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 No. No back up here. Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 As a backup-cushion, have you been keeping someone as an emergency escape in case your MW/MM screws you over? I find most of the OW/OM getting a really bad rap even though it's the MW/MM who's juggling multiple affairs, a lot of times with more than one OW. In the beginning of the A I was not exclusive, and assumed that he was not exclusive either, since he was M. Later in the A we fell in love and decided we wanted to be together, and we discussed becoming exclusive. At that point I discovered he had always been exclusive with me, despite his vestigial M, and by then I had dropped my others and become exclusive with him also, so it was merely acknowledging an existing situation. I did not need someone as an emergency escape. If our plans fell through I was more than capable of making another plan on my own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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