No feelings or emotions

[Inflikted]

Looking back, I've come to realize that I am not very good in dealing with very painful (this is all emotional, I mean, not physical) feelings. Not that I actually do anything in response, but when I'm "hurting", I just can't ever really move past it and stop feeling the pain. The only solution I've been able to find is to shut down all feelings and emotions completely. I basically become a "ghost", just aimlessly floating through life, caring about nothing.

 

The first time I majorly "shut down" was back in 2004 or 2005, after a very painful experience, and it wasn't until 2008 that something snapped me out of it and made me start "feeling" again. But, that only lasted a few months, and the pain of losing it caused me to shut down again. Last summer, once again, something snapped me out of it, and I once again started "feeling". It was really nice. But, just like last time, it led to a very painful experience; I've been hurting over this experience for about eight months, now, and I'm starting to shut down all over again.

 

I mean, I still have some lingering pain, but for the most part, I just don't really feel anything anymore, and I don't really "care" about anything, not even myself. I feel like EVERYTHING I do, I'm just going through the motions, like I'm doing stuff, but not really caring, my heart just isn't into anything. I try to indulge in hobbies, I try to read a good book, watch a show or movie, heck, anything to entertain myself, and I'm just not really "into" anything, I don't feel like doing anything, and nothing stirs up any kind of feeling or emotion in me.

 

I do know that I'm not too keen on being this way. Last summer, I really thought things were going to be different, I was really able to visualize a happier life for myself, and I didn't want to ever "shut down" again, but here I am, about eight months later, and once again, I'm shutting down, losing my feelings and emotions. And all I can wonder is, how many years is it going to take to come out of it this time? How do I know I won't just shut down again and go more years being this way? What if nothing ever snaps me out of it again?

[hogmatvin]

Some time situation like this happen but we must have courage to face it. You have really suffered a lot I must say ,but only you can help yourself no one else .Try to focus or concentrate on other things .

[Inflikted]

The sad thing is, the "painful experiences" that lead to me shutting down aren't really things that should make a regular person hurt as much as they make me hurt.

 

Me shutting down all feelings and emotion isn't necessarily me "running away" from the problem, I don't think. Like I said, when something hurts me in a big way, I just can't stop hurting from it. I'll hurt for months and months on end. The only way to turn the hurt off is to turn everything off.

[NordicStripes]

Could you say something about what hurt you? Maybe it's quite normal for you to feel hurt, and it just takes you a lot of time to process things?

 

I might have a bit of the same problem as you... My bf broke up with me two years ago and slept with someone else. We got back together a few weeks after that, but it still hurt almost just as badly as two years ago. I too, can't get passed it, even though I really want to.

The only thing that keeps me sane is the fact that I've got a more than full-time job that takes up a lot of my time and energy.

[Inflikted]

Could you say something about what hurt you? Maybe it's quite normal for you to feel hurt, and it just takes you a lot of time to process things?

 

It typically has to do with my failings at having people in my life. In 2005, it was my second year of high school; I was never good at making friends, but I had hopes to do so in high school. I ended up falling in with a group that tortured me for the entirety of my time in high school. It was brutal, and it really crushed me, so I shut down.

 

In 2008 (a year after I had finished high school), I got back in touch with this girl I knew as kids. When we were kids, I had a huge crush on her, and when I got back in touch with her, all that stuff came rushing back. I thought "Maybe this was fate?", maybe I'd found the girl I've always wanted? But, after I talked to her about going out, she pretty much cut all communication with me and I never talked to her again. I took this pretty hard, and once again, shut down.

 

Recently, as I've been feeling down about my lack of a "love life", I realized that that girl wasn't really a good "match" for me, and I only liked her because I remembered how I felt when we were kids. I started thinking about what I really want in a person. Then last summer, I found the girl who was pretty much the complete embodiment of everything I felt I really wanted. What's more, she seemed to like me back. But, I asked her out, she turned me down, and the friendship we had disappeared. Worse yet, I still know her (not by choice), and I've had to sit by as she dates other guys I know, which frequently caused me to wonder "Why them and not me?".

 

Not only that, but around the same time as I started liking this last girl, I was starting to make some friends, and that made me happy, because I really wanted to have a normal, fulfilling social life, I wanted to have friends, I wanted to have people to go out and do stuff with on the weekends. But, when things went south with this girl, everyone else pretty much backed off from me as well.

 

Now I'm back to having no friends, no "love life" (while still having to live with the fact that the girl I've felt the strongest about is dating other guys), and that doesn't look like it'll be changing any time soon. I don't know how to "meet people" and "make friends", and I expect it'll probably be another 4-5 years before I find another girl I want to ask out (and even then, there's a good chance she'll turn me down, too).

 

I've been hurting for about 8-9 months, because of what happened with this girl and with the people I wanted to be friends with. I just haven't been able to "move on" from it, because I feel like there's nothing to "move on" to. I'm basically just returning to my crappy life before last summer, and I don't like that. So, again, since I can't just make the hurt go away and move on with my life, my response is to shut down everything.