RTX Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 my 22 year old daughter is going to jail for the next year because of a hit and run DUI. If she had admitted what she did they would have gone easier on her but she refused. She also seems to have a drinking problem. I cannot really feel sorry for her because she has been stubborn throughout all of this and now going to jail is the punishment for what she did and main thing is that it will keep her away from alcohol for a year, Am I a bad person having these kind of unsympathetic feelings? She also has had everything a young person could want. A good family life (neither me or my wife have any sort of drinking problems and encouraged her in any way) and a great education yet she is throwing it away. And she also set a poor example for her younger 17 year old sister. to be fair though she did reveal to me she has a problem with drinking, so I am wondering So I wonder, in jail you obviously won't have access to alcohol. Is one year away from it enough to be able to give it up? If so, then maybe a year in jail won't be a bad thing for her and she will learn some discipline and maybe realize because of her problem she lost her freedom. It is somewhat comforting knowing where she is everyday and that she is not out doing something dangerous Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 So I wonder, in jail you obviously won't have access to alcohol. Is one year away from it enough to be able to give it up? Not necessarily... I got heavily involved with a guy who was in jail for a year after his third strike due to alcohol. After, he had a year house arrest and he lived with his mother (who had to remove things like Vanilla extract from her home because it contained alcohol). My relationship with him (or the ending thereof) is what brought me to LS all those years ago - much of it due to his alcohol abuse. Please understand that together, he and I had a business magic that created a business that made us very, very wealthy. He squandered all the money on booze and prostitutes and now that the relationship is over, his mother has once again spent in excess of $30k for him to go through rehab and it hasn't worked. This is a guy who had the Golden Ticket and could have probably inherited tens of millions of dollars due to his family's wealth and his own business acumen. Instead, he is literally living on Skid Row (the Tenderloin) in San Francisco. His time in jail nor the multiple interventions ever did any good. The best to you. Your daughter can only be clean and sober if SHE wants it. Otherwise, you are in for a hella-of-ride. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 In my opinion, and in my experience, Jails are not the best 'schools' for learning how to do things right..... There will be the influence of other women who have also broken the law - and not just for DUI's. By all means try to support and influence - she will know in a month how hard this is going to be - and she may well feel exposed and vulnerable. This is when your support - coupled with required assurances on her part - may work in her favour. But there are no guarantees. background and upbringing are no indications of character. And influencing her younger sister may be negative, but that also means nothing. Influence comes from both of you as parents too, and your eldest never picked up the baton and ran with it.... Who knows why she went off the rails? Even she may not be able to explain it. Take each day as it comes, but operate from a sensible place, not one fuelled by the desire to heal her and her world. Some things are out of your reach. make the best of what you have, and learn from it all...... Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 Maybe if you encouraged her to drink she wouldn't have a problem with it. She had no freedom then and she has no freedom now. Poor kid. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RTX Posted May 1, 2013 Author Share Posted May 1, 2013 Maybe if you encouraged her to drink she wouldn't have a problem with it. She had no freedom then and she has no freedom now. Poor kid. What exactly are you saying here? Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 What exactly are you saying here? That was exactly my thought as well... :confused: Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 What exactly are you saying here? That being strict hasn't worked. And now she's going to jail and will come out swinging the same way she has whenever she is away from you and her mom. It's like that .38 Special song. Hold on loosely but don't let go if you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control. Yet you sound like you're still trying to control her and her actions. And even went so far as to say you're glad she's going to jail so you know she won't do anything dangerous. That's pretty messed up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoebe Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 I suppose it depends on why she drinks and if she wants to stop drinking, otherwise as soon as she's out she'll be hitting the bottle again. I was recommended this website (The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com) by someone on LS and it has helped me to better understand things with my alcoholic boyfriend. It has a friends and family forum which has been very helpful and reading the recovery stories of former and current addicts has also been a bit of an eye opener. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 1, 2013 Share Posted May 1, 2013 to be fair though she did reveal to me she has a problem with drinking, How long ago did she reveal this to you? Before her DUI and hit and run? Did you attempt to help her, take her to AA? To get counseling? Her consquence now is really tough. She messed up and is going to suffer for her choice to drink and drive, she chose to flee the scene after being in an accident. The law is against her either way, she needs BOTH parents for love and support, even if you don't feel supportive, she needs to know you're there for her and will do all that you can to help her. This is your daughter and yes, it's OK to be upset and disappointed in her selfish choices, she's made bad ones and many mistakes - Don't enable her behaviour but you can still love and support her. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 my 22 year old daughter is going to jail for the next year because of a hit and run DUI. If she had admitted what she did they would have gone easier on her but she refused. She also seems to have a drinking problem. I cannot really feel sorry for her because she has been stubborn throughout all of this and now going to jail is the punishment for what she did and main thing is that it will keep her away from alcohol for a year, Am I a bad person having these kind of unsympathetic feelings? She also has had everything a young person could want. A good family life (neither me or my wife have any sort of drinking problems and encouraged her in any way) and a great education yet she is throwing it away. And she also set a poor example for her younger 17 year old sister. to be fair though she did reveal to me she has a problem with drinking, so I am wondering So I wonder, in jail you obviously won't have access to alcohol. Is one year away from it enough to be able to give it up? If so, then maybe a year in jail won't be a bad thing for her and she will learn some discipline and maybe realize because of her problem she lost her freedom. It is somewhat comforting knowing where she is everyday and that she is not out doing something dangerous Don't mean to be uncool, although they make their own alcohol in jail, mainly the prisons. One possibility to watch for is other mind altering substances...it's all very easy to get in County and State prisons...so keep an eye on her moods... Good luck and much love to you... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 What exactly are you saying here? I would call it reverse psychology. People have a tendancy towards rebellion and doing the exact opposite of what they are told. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 That being strict hasn't worked. And now she's going to jail and will come out swinging the same way she has whenever she is away from you and her mom. It's like that .38 Special song. Hold on loosely but don't let go if you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control. Yet you sound like you're still trying to control her and her actions. And even went so far as to say you're glad she's going to jail so you know she won't do anything dangerous. That's pretty messed up. I love that song! Jail is no "pretty" thing and some if not many become institutionalised. Jails were meant to rehabilitate, IMO they do the exact opposite...her problem is alcohol and should go to a rehab center and not jail...I really hate how this system works. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 my 22 year old daughter is going to jail for the next year because of a hit and run DUI. If she had admitted what she did they would have gone easier on her but she refused. She also seems to have a drinking problem. I cannot really feel sorry for her because she has been stubborn throughout all of this and now going to jail is the punishment for what she did and main thing is that it will keep her away from alcohol for a year, Am I a bad person having these kind of unsympathetic feelings? She also has had everything a young person could want. A good family life (neither me or my wife have any sort of drinking problems and encouraged her in any way) and a great education yet she is throwing it away. And she also set a poor example for her younger 17 year old sister. to be fair though she did reveal to me she has a problem with drinking, so I am wondering So I wonder, in jail you obviously won't have access to alcohol. Is one year away from it enough to be able to give it up? If so, then maybe a year in jail won't be a bad thing for her and she will learn some discipline and maybe realize because of her problem she lost her freedom. It is somewhat comforting knowing where she is everyday and that she is not out doing something dangerous I believe one must want to give it up. One must WANT to remain after her time is served. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 That being strict hasn't worked. And now she's going to jail and will come out swinging the same way she has whenever she is away from you and her mom. It's like that .38 Special song. Hold on loosely but don't let go if you cling too tightly you're gonna lose control. Yet you sound like you're still trying to control her and her actions. And even went so far as to say you're glad she's going to jail so you know she won't do anything dangerous. That's pretty messed up. You've made some strange assumptions and some unkind accusations here. OP didn't say a single thing about how strictly they raised her or say anything even resembling an attempt to control her life. Did you misread something in the OP? OP, I can understand feeling a sense of relief when an addict goes to jail. You don't have to worry they're out there on the streets, getting wasted, and making bad decisions that might hurt themselves or others. And then you feel guilty for feeling relieved. I think it's pretty normal. There's no way of knowing whether your daughter will continue drinking when she gets out. Try to remain optimistic and supportive. Hopefully jail will be the wake up call that she needs. If (and only if) she's open to it, maybe you can regularly send her some materials about self-improvement and recovery. There might even be some programs she can attend in jail. Good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 OP, be supportive but keep yourself safe from more manipulations. I hope this experience is a wake up call for her. Look for evidence of remorse above all else. Even if she can get alcohol inside it won't be a daily thing. Try to make sure she at least has access to meds to help with the detox during the first few weeks. No point considering if she is going to do harder substances whilst inside. Just keep an eye on her. Use this time to focus on the younger child. Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 It sounds like she needs to learn coping skills. Although many people learn healthy coping skills from their parents, (just by watching them and how they deal with conflicts & problems), others need it spelled out for them. She is using alcohol as a crutch because she doesn't know how to deal with life, adulthood, her problems, her relationships. She needs to learn to deal with her feelings in a healthy way, instead of numbing them. She needs therapy, not jail. Congnitive behavior therapy or DBT therapy would probably be helpful to her. When she comes out of jail, she will still have problems. If she can't cope with them in a healthy way, she will look for ways to be numb again. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 Don't mean to be uncool, although they make their own alcohol in jail, mainly the prisons. One possibility to watch for is other mind altering substances...it's all very easy to get in County and State prisons...so keep an eye on her moods... Good luck and much love to you... This is very true. Inmates have booze, drugs, cell phones, weapons. In my city it just came out recently that the BGF gang was running the city jail. They had the staff on their payroll. The gang bought the CO's cars in exchange smuggling things in. Some COs even had babies by the inmates. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RTX Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 This is very true. Inmates have booze, drugs, cell phones, weapons. In my city it just came out recently that the BGF gang was running the city jail. They had the staff on their payroll. The gang bought the CO's cars in exchange smuggling things in. Some COs even had babies by the inmates. I believe she has been told to leave her cell phone and other personal items behind Link to post Share on other sites
baRx Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) my 22 year old daughter is going to jail for the next year because of a hit and run DUI. If she had admitted what she did they would have gone easier on her but she refused. She also seems to have a drinking problem. I cannot really feel sorry for her because she has been stubborn throughout all of this and now going to jail is the punishment for what she did and main thing is that it will keep her away from alcohol for a year, Am I a bad person having these kind of unsympathetic feelings? She also has had everything a young person could want. A good family life (neither me or my wife have any sort of drinking problems and encouraged her in any way) and a great education yet she is throwing it away. And she also set a poor example for her younger 17 year old sister. to be fair though she did reveal to me she has a problem with drinking, so I am wondering So I wonder, in jail you obviously won't have access to alcohol. Is one year away from it enough to be able to give it up? If so, then maybe a year in jail won't be a bad thing for her and she will learn some discipline and maybe realize because of her problem she lost her freedom. It is somewhat comforting knowing where she is everyday and that she is not out doing something dangerous As someone who's done jail time for DWI, honestly, a year away is not enough if someone seriously has a problem. Now, I didn't have a drinking 'problem' per se, other than the fact I enjoyed driving after I'd drink, so I looked forward to getting out and drinking again. I've since learned my lesson and do not drive under the influence anymore, but the short answer to your question is a big NO, a year away isn't enough time. (especially once she finds out that jail really isn't what it's like in the movies, jail really isn't much of a punishment, so once she learns that, she'll most likely want to drink again when she gets out. the mindset will be "pssh, this is jail? this isn't so bad. i can do this again" -- i would know, i've done it.) Not only that, a year in jail time is equal to 8 months. She'll receive 4 months off for 'good behavior' and will be out in 8 instead of 12. For every month of her sentence, she gets 10 days good time. So, if you are sentenced to 30 days, you'll be out in 20, ETC.. Depending on what programs the jail has set up, she may be able to get into a rehab-type part of the jail which is much nicer than the regular part. You have the "un-sentenced" area, which is where people who got arrested and did not post bail are housed. These people are the worst, as you're in there with people looking to go to prison for 25 years. The conditions are the worst, you get the smallest portions of food, the guards are meaner, the inmates harrass you, etc... The "sentenced" areas of the jail are a little nicer. More open conditions, a chance to hold a "job", which has benefits like getting the same food the guards eat, and allow more freedom and are more lenient than the un-sentenced area., but the program part is more like a sh-tty hotel compared to being in JAIL. Most drug offenders / alcohol abusers end up there. For my DWI, I ended up there myself. It was called the "DWI Trailer". We had rehab-type programs for 5 hours a day, and the rest of the day was spent relaxing. There were nicer TVs, a pool table, and we had more time to spend outside than the normally allowed hour, with a volleyball court in the yard. It's def. worth it, but if she really knows she has a problem, this will be good for her. A majority of people (myself included) just went with the motions and pretended to care about what the rehab was doing so we wouldn't get kicked out and have to go back to the sh-tty part of the jail again. But, that's all stuff you'll have to have her lawyer (or free attorney) look into. If she seriously DOES have a problem, you'll want her to get into a rehab-like program at the jail. Otherwise, she'll just be spending her time with people exactly like her, and in all honestly nothing will change. The first time I did time, it was for a robbery... so there was no nice cushy program for me to enter and enjoy. I just sat around and played cards with people who did similar stuff to me, and we sat around BS'ing all day long. BUT -- it also depends on your location. Most prisons have these types of programs, but she won't be going to a prison for just a DWI. She'll be in a county jail, and they may not even offer any rehab-like programs. So, look into it. Edited May 2, 2013 by baRx Link to post Share on other sites
Author RTX Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) As someone who's done jail time for DWI, honestly, a year away is not enough if someone seriously has a problem. Now, I didn't have a drinking 'problem' per se, other than the fact I enjoyed driving after I'd drink, so I looked forward to getting out and drinking again. I've since learned my lesson and do not drive under the influence anymore, but the short answer to your question is a big NO, a year away isn't enough time. (especially once she finds out that jail really isn't what it's like in the movies, jail really isn't much of a punishment, so once she learns that, she'll most likely want to drink again when she gets out. the mindset will be "pssh, this is jail? this isn't so bad. i can do this again" -- i would know, i've done it.) Not only that, a year in jail time is equal to 8 months. She'll receive 4 months off for 'good behavior' and will be out in 8 instead of 12. For every month of her sentence, she gets 10 days good time. So, if you are sentenced to 30 days, you'll be out in 20, ETC.. Depending on what programs the jail has set up, she may be able to get into a rehab-type part of the jail which is much nicer than the regular part. You have the "un-sentenced" area, which is where people who got arrested and did not post bail are housed. These people are the worst, as you're in there with people looking to go to prison for 25 years. The conditions are the worst, you get the smallest portions of food, the guards are meaner, the inmates harrass you, etc... The "sentenced" areas of the jail are a little nicer. More open conditions, a chance to hold a "job", which has benefits like getting the same food the guards eat, and allow more freedom and are more lenient than the un-sentenced area., but the program part is more like a sh-tty hotel compared to being in JAIL. Most drug offenders / alcohol abusers end up there. For my DWI, I ended up there myself. It was called the "DWI Trailer". We had rehab-type programs for 5 hours a day, and the rest of the day was spent relaxing. There were nicer TVs, a pool table, and we had more time to spend outside than the normally allowed hour, with a volleyball court in the yard. It's def. worth it, but if she really knows she has a problem, this will be good for her. A majority of people (myself included) just went with the motions and pretended to care about what the rehab was doing so we wouldn't get kicked out and have to go back to the sh-tty part of the jail again. But, that's all stuff you'll have to have her lawyer (or free attorney) look into. If she seriously DOES have a problem, you'll want her to get into a rehab-like program at the jail. Otherwise, she'll just be spending her time with people exactly like her, and in all honestly nothing will change. The first time I did time, it was for a robbery... so there was no nice cushy program for me to enter and enjoy. I just sat around and played cards with people who did similar stuff to me, and we sat around BS'ing all day long. BUT -- it also depends on your location. Most prisons have these types of programs, but she won't be going to a prison for just a DWI. She'll be in a county jail, and they may not even offer any rehab-like programs. So, look into it. well based on what I am reading about some jails they don't seem all that cushy, also it wasn't just the drinking and driving that was the problem, it was the hit and run Edited May 3, 2013 by RTX Link to post Share on other sites
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