Somebody Slap Me!

[Gpc2013]

First of all, I've only posted here once before about a past relationship. But I do lurk here quite often, usually trying to find insight to my own issues via others' similar situations.

 

I'm going to try to keep this short. (Totally failed at brevity)

Basically I've become friends (via work and mutual acquaintances) with a man who is 10 years my junior. Now, when I met him he was married. We were merely coworkers who shared some laughs at work and nothing else. I will admit that I was immediately attracted to him, but never thought much about it because hello! Married!

 

Last summer I contacted him about going to his church, and to my surprise, he informed me that he and his wife were separated. Now, at this particular time, I was nursing a broken heart after being involved with a separated man. Anyway, his point in telling me was that people might assume we're more than friends. We decided it didn't matter and I began attending church with him.

From the beginning, it has been entirely platonic (despite my annoying physical attraction to him). We go for lunch after church every week, and he's never offered to pay or anything like that. He talks about other girls, has been interested in a few, does the online dating thing, whole nine yards. All the classic symptoms of a guy who is not at all interested in my (except as a friend). And that's fine. I'm cool with it.

 

Our friendship has grown over the past year. We hang out fairly frequently. I go to his place, we go to movies and plays, concerts, out to eat. He's even come over to my parents' twice, and one of those times was Easter Sunday for dinner (and mainly to watch basketball). He even went to church with us (different church than the one he and I usually attend) on Easter.

It's important to note two things. One, he's a very open, friendly guy with EVERYONE, not just me. Two, his other best friend (probably closer than me) is a married woman. In fact, most of his best friends are women (No! He's not gay! LOL)

 

The last time I was at his place he spilled a lot of details of his marriage, and a lot of his lamenting was over the lack of intimacy that had existed between him and his wife. It became clear that he's never had the benefit of a partner who really desired him sexually. (Don't ask me why, he's extremely fine!) She's the only woman he's ever been with.

 

So, cut to me: sitting by being all supportive and listening, etc. the whole while wanting to pounce on him and show him what he's been missing. But he's never shown the slightest interest in me that way, and I'd hate to mess up our awesome friendship.

 

What's a girl to do? I've got about four or five guys right now that want to go out with me, but I'm having a hard time giving them the attention they deserve because I'm possibly falling in love with my friend.

 

Part of me thinks I should push the issue so it breaks one way or the other. If he rejects the idea, at least I know I'm barking up the wrong tree and I'll give these other guys a chance. I don't think he'd hold it against me or be freaked out. He's pretty exceptional as guys go.

 

Thoughts?

[TaraMaiden]

You have nothing to lose by asking him how he would feel about taking your relationship 'up a notch'....

 

Really.

 

The problem with 'platonic' friendships is that the majority of the time - they're nothing of the sort.

 

One person always has higher-level feelings than the other, and tbh, it's usually the guy.

 

Just lean on your elbows one day, listen to him ranting about women and how he feels about them, then just casually throw in....

 

"So.... how 'bout u n me, tickling the mattress?"

 

Smile sweetly - and shut up.

 

let him fill the ensuing silence.

 

And if he 'rejects' you - then you have to figure out, for yourself, where this leaves you.

 

But at least you will have taken a step....

 

because right now, you're in limbo.

[imtooconfused]

The problem with 'platonic' friendships is that the majority of the time - they're nothing of the sort.

 

One person always has higher-level feelings than the other, and tbh, it's usually the guy.

 

Usually the guy, but not always the guy as this example points out. My feeling is that platonic male-female friends can only work out if expectations and attraction level are pretty much completely balanced. From your description of your story Gpc2013, it sounds like your expectations are balanced, but you have to ask yourself are you pursuing friendship with him on the chance that he wants to be more than friends. That could mean that you do have underlying expectations of a deeper relationship.

 

But more critically, unless you hear otherwise from your friend, it sounds like the "attraction level" is not balanced. This will work against you eventually. You already confessed that you are pushing aside several (perhaps/perhaps not) eligible suitors in order to maintain friendship with your friend. If a monogamous LTR is your goal, your friendship with your friend could be preventing you from finding what you really need (with someone else).

 

If your post is intended to solicit our opinion if your friend is interested in you more than "just friends", the only person who would be able to tell you that is your friend. So like TaraMaiden explains you would do yourself a lot of good to find the appropriate time and call him out about his deeper feelings towards you. The scary part is preparing yourself for rejection. But knowing sooner rather than later will allow you to approach the friendship in the best way that you can and levelset what you really expect to get out of the relationship without having to constantly wonder where the relationship is going.

[Gpc2013]

 

If your post is intended to solicit our opinion if your friend is interested in you more than "just friends", the only person who would be able to tell you that is your friend.

 

No, I think I'm pretty sure of his feelings toward me, and they are only platonic. He is completely transparent and has approached women when we've been out together and asked them out. He doesn't play games, and if he was interested in me beyond friendship, he'd have made that clear I feel sure.

 

Then again, as our friendship has continued, I've developed stronger feelings for him, simply as friends. I don't let people into my bubble very easily, and find forging new relationships quite stressful. My friend is quite disarming; his personality puts me at ease. I think a huge part of the attraction towards him is the fact that I am so comfortable with him. I mean, I've always found him physically appealing, but that's not enough for me to develop feelings for a man. And early on I really didn't think of him as a potential romantic interest because I was still hung up on my last relationship. But as time has passed and I've let my guard down, I've become quite attached to him.

 

What's my point? I'm not sure I even know. I guess to get the advice I've received, which is to find certainty from his side. I'm pretty sure I know what his reaction will be, but I need to hear it.

 

As for the other guys, my reluctance with them stems mainly from my own social anxiety. Dating is a form of torture for me, which is why when I find that rare individual with whom I feel comfortable, I tend to fall pretty hard for him.

[TaraMaiden]

.....As for the other guys, my reluctance with them stems mainly from my own social anxiety. Dating is a form of torture for me, which is why when I find that rare individual with whom I feel comfortable, I tend to fall pretty hard for him.

 

Then maybe you need to see someone about that.....

 

If you are prone to being socially anxious, perhaps that's an issue you could address and deal with, rather than using it as an excuse for behaviour which ultimately could backfire on you, and be detrimental to your own long-term happiness.

 

If you have an issue, and there is a remedy, don't continue to entertain it, or give it head-room....

[Gpc2013]

Well, it has been a while. Since my last post I've done everything BUT try to move this relationship forward. The problem is I'm more attached (in love? possibly) than ever. I had finally come to a decision to sort of back off a little, give myself some space in the hopes that my attraction and attachment to him would cool off. That backfired because he seemed to do just the opposite (innocently platonic still, I'm fairly certain). I've seen him three of the past four days, including two occasions with his family. In between hanging out we've texted fairly frequently, just random, silly stuff throughout the day (he usually initiates).

Of course, I want to believe that the escalation of contact means there's something deeper than just friendship on the horizon, but just about the time I think that's the case, he seems too casual and indifferent, and I'm snapped back to reality.

He's leaving today for about ten days. I'm hoping that time apart will give me time to sort this out.

I'm also meeting a guy from an OLD site on Saturday. I am worried I'll just compare him to my friend and of course he won't measure up. But, I'm sincerely going to try and hope for the best.

[imtooconfused]

I'm also meeting a guy from an OLD site on Saturday. I am worried I'll just compare him to my friend and of course he won't measure up. But, I'm sincerely going to try and hope for the best.

 

This is the trap of friendzone. The friend you are attracted to will keep you at arms length, close-but-not-too-close, to prevent you from attaching to others. Whether this is conscious or unconscious, it works to their advantage. Do your best to avoid comparing, and look for good, but different qualities in your new friend.

[Gpc2013]

This is the trap of friendzone. The friend you are attracted to will keep you at arms length, close-but-not-too-close, to prevent you from attaching to others. Whether this is conscious or unconscious, it works to their advantage. Do your best to avoid comparing, and look for good, but different qualities in your new friend.

 

I agree. I definitely think it is unconsciously done on his part. He is a really good guy, very honest and open. I don't think he's capable of "playing" anyone, it's just not in him. Which is what I love about him.

 

But you're exactly right. And I already know that this other guy has some great things about him that are similar to my friend. He's intelligent, has a great sense of humor, is considerate and kind. I'm looking forward to meeting him and possibly starting a friendship with someone that has potential for more if we want.

[Gpc2013]

Well, I backed out of meeting the OLD guy tonight. There were several factors that went into my decision, including plans that popped up for Sunday that meant I had more to get done around here today. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that my crush on my friend wasn't playing a major role. He's been out of town since Thursday and will be gone at least another week. I thought the time apart would help me cool my jets a bit, but he's been faithfully texting or emailing daily just to let me (and his family and friends) know how his trip is going. Today he emailed me separately to give a few teasers about some details of the trip which he says he'll tell me all about when he gets home.

 

I'm hopeless, LOL. But at least I recognize it. My best girlfriend says "time will tell" regarding all of this. That's my philosophy. I'm not eager to go searching for someone else, and I don't feel the need to push the issue with my friend. So, it's status quo for me, and whatever will be will be.

[imtooconfused]

I'm a Loser!

 

NOT

 

I'm sorry your stuck on a guy who has no interest in you as more than a friend. It sucks, and believe me, I know where you are right now. I also understand how it can bring you more enjoyment responding to the stream of text messages from the close friend rather than face the stress of meeting someone new. You are definitely stuck with no will power to escape.

 

One thing you said earlier is that his other best friend is a married woman. He probably bonds with this woman because he knows she is not available. Could there be some reason why he might think you are not interested in dating? Something over and above how he might feel about you physically/romantically.

 

Lastly, I just want to warn you about the cliff that awaits you sometime in the future. It could be a long way away, but it will happen and this is the unbroken truth of the friendzone. He will eventually meet someone that he is interested in dating and if that becomes serious you will probably lose your close friend. Fair warning...

[Gpc2013]

imtooconfused,

There are several "reasons" that he might not think I'd be interested in dating him. For starters, I'm ten years older than he is. Not only that, the first time I encountered him was eleven years ago when he was a senior at the high school where I teach. I started mid-year (January) and he graduated in May. I never taught him, hardly knew who he was, but it's still a fact that I first knew him as a "student" when I was a first-year teacher.*

 

Ten years later he returns to the school as a teacher himself, this time he is married. This is when I feel we first "met". His brother was a teacher in my department and a friend of mine, so naturally we all were buddies at work. I didn't know that his marriage was in trouble until he told me last summer when we started hanging out a little.*

 

I was still nursing a broken heart from a hurtful relationship with another separated man when our friendship started taking off. Right from the start we discussed what others might think of our relationship and he knew I was a little concerned about it, though he didn't understand why. I didn't tell him, but I was afraid I'd lose his friendship if the speculation about us became too much and made him feel awkward.*

 

Also, we don't "flirt", at least not overtly. There is virtually zero physical contact. We hugged for the first time Sunday, and for a long time I was reluctant to even sit on the couch beside him. This all stems from the bad experience with the other guy who basically refused to speak or look at me much less sit near me once our relationship was over. It was like my very presence offended him (we have mutual friends, his brother is married to my best friend, so we still bump into each other occasionally). Anyway, I was very stand-offish from the get-go.*

 

And I've always been supportive and encouraging when he meets and goes out with other girls. *shrug*

 

Whether this is enough to convince him I'm not interested, or he sees right through it but ignores it because he doesn't feel the same, I couldn't say. He's not the type who would lead me on. If he suspected I had feelings, I think he'd back off a bit to spare me pain. Which, of course, is why I have to play it so cool. He's one of my best friends, and I don't want to jeopardize that.

Edited June 2, 2013 by Gpc2013

[imtooconfused]

Ten years later he returns to the school as a teacher himself, this time he is married. This is when I feel we first "met". His brother was a teacher in my department and a friend of mine, so naturally we all were buddies at work.

 

A workplace romance? Maybe it is the age difference, but more likely he is concerned about what others in your school would say. Also being friends of the brother and best friends of his wife probably segregate you to the "just a friend" corner. Rereading some of your previous comments points me to the fact that you had a bad experience with a separated man and your thread never mentions that he is clear of his stbx, leading me to think he is pretty sure in his mind you don't want to get too attached. Any or all of these reasons can all be managed and reversed, but in order to do so you need to be aware of why he is reluctant to move forward. Try to get him to talk about his feelings on these items.

 

And I've always been supportive and encouraging when he meets and goes out with other girls. *shrug*

 

You don't have to be supportive, and I would suggest seriously stopping that. Simple acknowledgement of his other interests are as far as you should go. Besides, a certain amount of well placed jealousy (the frustrated kind, not the angry, hate-filled kind) may make him feel flattered.

[Gpc2013]

We no longer work in the same school, and didn't start hanging out (outside of work) until after he took the job at the other school.

Also, I'm best friends with Separated Guy #1's brother's wife. Not at all related to this guy, and only mentioned because that relationship with Separated Guy#1 affected how I approached this new friendship.

 

It's interesting, the last OLD he had was a few weeks ago. He told me about her (as much as he knew from her profile) and I was quietly supportive. I told him that whatever night they weren't going out that weekend I wanted he and I to hang out. He readily agreed and asked where I'd like to go. That was different, normally I'd just go to his place and we would watch a movie, listen to music, talk...just hang out. I had said I needed to get his advice about men (little does he know HE'S the man I need the most advice on). So, I said it didn't matter where we went, someplace cheap because I was broke. He said he'd pay, which was unusual too, we always pay for ourselves. So we wound up spending the evening out, first eating, then walking around, then going somewhere to listen to music.

The next night was his date. I waited for him to text me with a report as he usually does. He didn't say much but said they were planning a second date. The night before that date I asked what the plans were, and when he told me I noticed they were similar to what he and I had done. I told him I was "jealous", though it came across as teasing and more about WHAT they were doing.

The next morning (7:30ish) before work he texted me to tell me he'd broke it off with her and just wasn't feeling it. Now prior to that text I had resigned myself to the fact that I needed to get over this infatuation and just accept that we'd never be more than friends.

Then the text came and that was blown all to hell.

I'm still ready to accept that fact, though. I mean, the guy has approached women and asked them out in my very presence. If that's not a clear sign, I don't know what is.

Yet? I still hold onto that shred of possibility.

Pitiful. LOL.