Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 ... it could TAKE YEARS to realize that what mom or dad has with their new partner is better, more loving. To clarify, I am talking about long term, so yes, years, and long term happiness later in life, is the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 You gave two extreme choices with nothing in between. I answered based on "your" parameters (which by the way I felt was done to elicit a certain response...which I gave you). Do I feel this way....only in your scenario....nowhere else. By the way....I do not believe healthy loving people lie and deceive...but that is just me. Yes I did post the question in a defined way to elicit a response to that defined question, based on those parameters. Thanks for answering. I don't agree with you, I think it's healthier for a child to experience a loving relationship, that being respectful of the other parent from both sides is essential to their happiness, and it's better if a new relationship starts after a divorce, but where that is not the case, I believe getting out of a high conflict situation is better for the child, even though the means may not be ideal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 You gave two extreme choices with nothing in between. I answered based on "your" parameters (which by the way I felt was done to elicit a certain response...which I gave you). Do I feel this way....only in your scenario....nowhere else. By the way....I do not believe healthy loving people lie and deceive...but that is just me. Also, I believe, everybody lies. Sometimes even so as not to hurt others. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 The high conflict home was there before you came along, if the children are being subjected to dysfunction how is that the concerned parent who see's this takes the time to have an affair and prolong that dysfunction and distress by engaging in an affair. How would that patent explain to their children that what's another 6 months or year of suffering to those very children while I get me some romance. I don't quite understand your post - do you mean to say that engaging in an affair took time away from getting a divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 So how is the MM running off with the OW and leaving behind a devastated and depressed kids and wives improving anyones living situation except for the MM who now just gets to run off and not have to live with any of it anymore???? You assume a lot there which wasn't part of what I described. Firstly, I never said the children were left behind. Secondly, I never said the kids were depressed, and thirdly, I never said the MM was 'running off'. Abandonment didn't form any part of the two scenarios. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 To clarify, I am talking about long term, so yes, years, and long term happiness later in life, is the issue. I do not believe this is predictable....too many variables involved....and the temperament of the the child or children involved and whether a right or left is taken in the future....unknown. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 Oh I see, agenda propaganda thread. Out. No, this is an honest request for opinions from people with experience in these defined situations, because it has relevance for my situation. Is it propaganda because you don't agree with me? Or? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 Yes I did post the question in a defined way to elicit a response to that defined question, based on those parameters. Thanks for answering. I don't agree with you, I think it's healthier for a child to experience a loving relationship, that being respectful of the other parent from both sides is essential to their happiness, and it's better if a new relationship starts after a divorce, but where that is not the case, I believe getting out of a high conflict situation is better for the child, even though the means may not be ideal. Yes, I know you don't agree...per your parameters to elicit a response that would highlight you do not agree. I believe that leaving a high conflict situation is better for a child and you don't have to cheat to do so.. and there is nothing ideal about divorce whether an A is involved or not. And I do not believe everyone lies....but to each their own. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 Then tell me in the only two choices you have given the posters. How are the kids lives made happier at all when the MM is the only one leaving to be happy and the rest are left behind abandoned and betrayed? How is the MM leaving and being happy improving their lives??? I already said this, but the kids are not being left behind or abandoned in the situation I described. Surely you don't consider co-parenting abandonment? I do think that having happy parents improves kids lives, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 Yes, I know you don't agree...per your parameters to elicit a response that would highlight you do not agree. I believe that leaving a high conflict situation is better for a child and you don't have to cheat to do so.. and there is nothing ideal about divorce whether an A is involved or not. And I do not believe everyone lies....but to each their own. I did want to get to the bottom of what people think is best for the child in these specific circumstances, yes. I still do. I agree that there is nothing ideal about divorce, under any circumstances, but also that it is better for a child if their parents divorce out of a high conflict marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 I don't quite understand your post - do you mean to say that engaging in an affair took time away from getting a divorce? A parent who wants to protect their children's well being from a toxic home life would make it their priority, and engaging in an affair is a detour from that focus. So yes, they wouldn't have been an affair if that parent was solely focused on their children's well being and ensuring a heathy transition during the divorce process and beyond that. As a responsible parent, the needs of the children during a stressful divorce should come first before the romantic needs of the parent. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 I'm sorry but I don't think you want discussion Henni, unless it is of the same mindset as of your own. IMO, the limited parameters you defined doesn't invite discussion only agreement or disagreement. My experience was valid, but it didn't suit what you want to hear. I have been grateful for on topic responses both from people who agree with me and those who don't. I wanted to discuss it because I wanted to get to the bottom of what people think about this issue. It has personal relevance for me. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 I did want to get to the bottom of what people think is best for the child in these specific circumstances, yes. I still do. I agree that there is nothing ideal about divorce, under any circumstances, but also that it is better for a child if their parents divorce out of a high conflict marriage. You did not get to the bottom of what I think. You know what I posted about this situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 I'm sorry but I don't think you want discussion Henni, unless it is of the same mindset as of your own. IMO, the limited parameters you defined doesn't invite discussion only agreement or disagreement. My experience was valid, but it didn't suit what you want to hear. Also, your experience is of course valid, in general, I just didn't think you were describing either of the situations I described, specifically 'high conflict' or 'A and leave', relevant to children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 You did not get to the bottom of what I think. You know what I posted about this situation. True, I want to get to the bottom of what people think about this situation, but there is no way to know if what you think and what you posted are the same thing. I assume they are not far apart though. I didn't want to get to the bottom of what you think, in general, about all situations, I guess that would take another medium and much longer. I am defining two situations and asking what people think about their relative effect on the kids long term happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 It's kind of hard to discuss any of this with so limited parameters and so little info. Are we discussing what is going on in your life? How old are the kids? Will you be living with MM when he is divorced and getting married right away? Do you also have kids? The kids have to live somewhere don't they, will it be with the MM or with their mother? My parents were separated. I didn't give a rats behind about my dads love life. My dad had a GF and I disliked her. I have no clue if she made him happy or not and really never even thought about it because really I didn't care. It didn't matter because I didn't like her and I always thought my dad was a selfish person anyway. OK. A parent being absent or having little relationship with their child is another issue. I am talking about a parent with a good relationship with their children who will not be absent, and will co-parent after divorce. The rest is, I think, not relevant to the original post, which I think is already defined enough without narrowing it down further. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Henni Posted May 2, 2013 Author Share Posted May 2, 2013 How old are the kids in this scenario? Why does their age matter? Do you think the answer of which scenario is better depends on that? Do you think it's easier if they are younger, or if they are teenagers? Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 I did want to get to the bottom of what people think is best for the child in these specific circumstances, yes. I still do. I agree that there is nothing ideal about divorce, under any circumstances, but also that it is better for a child if their parents divorce out of a high conflict marriage. I had a very high conflict marriage and chose divorce. During the divorce my children were told i was cheating (I wasn't) and for a little while they weren't sure, but my consistancy in making sure they were protected and supported trumped everything else. I can honestly say that my children would have come out damaged if I stayed. The divorce hurt them, but when the dust settled they understood and were happy we weren't married anymore. So even wondering if I cheated didn't effect them in the end because of how life changed and things were so much more peaceful. So no, I don't think it will have a lasting effect if the children witness a normal caring relationship afterward. JMHO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 (edited) The black and white parameters of the OP gives little room for the grey in such a serious matter as to what's best for the children. A dysfunctional home life as opposed to a parent who cheated and then divorced their spouse may be a solution, but only if the children don't discover their mom or dad cheated before divorcing,as this may add more dysfunction and hurt for them to deal with. Edited May 2, 2013 by Furious 6 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 My family circumstances are such that I am just the kind of person the OP alleges they want to hear from. However as my comments based on real experience would not fully support the argument they want to make, there is no point posting. After all, they would find a way of saying "yes but that's not what I want to talk about." I can imagine the fingers in ears now whilst singing "La la la la la la la....... " 3 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted May 2, 2013 Share Posted May 2, 2013 As replies from the thread starter are delayed, I'm going to close this until the morning so moderation can monitor. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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