hurting

[Mycatsnuggles]

It's been a slow break up process. He has been pushing me away a little at a time for almost a year now. Our contact went from meetings several times a week to weeks between meetings. I have offered to "end" several times. After each ending talk or email he reassures me he wanted to be together, so I remained and watched our time together become less and less. It hurts so much. He tells me how he "cannot get away" for even a text. Its been over a week with no message, the last being how much he missed me and was looking forward to being together. I sit and wonder WHY? Our lives don't intersect. If he were to say I never want to see you again - thats what would happen. I have never seen him outside of a planned meeting. It could end today and he would never have to see me again. Why does he keep me on the line?

 

I wrote the email - ending it for him. Telling him it was over, no need for a "goodbye email" depsite my wishes in the past for this courtesy. It has dawned on me he will not end it because I serve his purpose, even if the purpose is greatly reduced. I am here waiting until he chooses.

 

How do you send the final email. It hurts. I don't want to be over. He serves a need for me too. I love being with him and choose to stay at each juncture of change in the relationship - until now. He has left me the only thing left to do is say goodbye.

[Praying4Peace]

Send it without any anger. Only point out that you deserve more and that you don't want to be in an affair anymore. Wish him luck and bow out gracefully.

If this has been happening for a year then he knows how you feel about him, you don't have to put it in writing.

[Mycatsnuggles]

It is written without anger, I said I knew he just didn't know how to stop so I was doing it for him. Told him he didn't have to repy. Yet knowing I want him to. I wish I could delete the email without losing the old messages. I want them. No one has ever written me such beautiful emails.

 

I've always known one day it would be only my memories I have left. I'm not willing to part with those.

[Praying4Peace]

Why don't you print them and put them in a box somewhere and promise you won't look at them. Then one day you can light that thing on fire (though hopefully you wont even care enough to be that angry).

[Mycatsnuggles]

This is it, short and sweet.

 

"I won't make you say it, I realize you can't, but you want it over. I wish you nothing but happiness in your future. I hope one day you will miss me. Know that I loved you very much and still do. No one ever kissed me like you did. You touched my soul."

 

scared tp send, feels final.

[SweetBella1]

This is it, short and sweet.

 

"I won't make you say it, I realize you can't, but you want it over. I wish you nothing but happiness in your future. I hope one day you will miss me. Know that I loved you very much and still do. No one ever kissed me like you did. You touched my soul."

 

scared tp send, feels final.

 

It's a good letter but the bolded words (above) put words in his mouth, which is never a wise thing to do. Never assume to speak for someone else. He will inevitably come back and deny it, which is what you're hoping for.

 

You should speak only for yourself. The A is no longer fitting your needs. You used to feel satisfied, now you're getting less and less. This isn't just about what he wants, it's about what YOU want (and deserve) too.

[Feb]

Going through the same thing for about a week now. I agree that's what hurts the most. My last 6 or 7 conversations I've asked if he wanted to end it. He insisted that no he doesn't -- he even sounded angry that I asked! Over the past six months, I've slowly learned to accept less and less. The texts were less frequent, and less affectionate. When I talked to him on the phone, they were very matter-of-fact one sided discussions on how his day went ... he no longer cared about my day, my feelings, or anything. But stupid me, I said, "That's ok because I love you.". I kept putting myself last ... rearranging work commitments, lunches with other friends and personal plans just to hold out hope he might meet me for 30 minutes that week.

 

After the last bout of NC for a week by him (after numerous attempts at contact by me), he gave a bunch of B.S. reasons why he was NC and then ended that he needed time and focus on home. I replied I would give him his space, but would be around if he ever needed me (again, more humiliation). Since then I have decided I'm going NC forever and just don't want to deal with this again. NC -- Day 8.

 

 

I now look back and wonder how long he's really wanted to end it and why didn't he just say so. The slow withdrawl must not have been fun for him either. But my advice for anyone out there who is getting mixed signals is to really take a good look at the behavior and don't assume they will tell you if they want to end it. If there is no clear/valid explanation for not contacting you for a few days, that's your sign. Cat, if you want a long list of crazy excuses for not texting, let me know, because my xAP had some great ones. The more ridiculous the excuse, the more it hurt.

[Mycatsnuggles]

I sent it. I know that in my heart I am hoping he says no no no please be with me. This will give him the opportunity to finally leave me fully as opposed to the little at a time he has been doing. I realize I have become a "fill in" until he is able to find something better. I was even ok with that if he had made a little effort for me. He wasn't able to. He had told me early in our relationship that he didn't like breaking up with girlfriends. He had only had a few and each finally left him - he said he was happy when they did. Even his wife I know he settled for because she fit the right boxes. I wish we could have had a big fight - a final blow out where I told him to F off. Anger feels so much better then this. I can't wait until I feel ready for the "dear dickward" post.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Feb - yours is 7 days old? did you send a ending letter or just going nc? I know I thought about waiting to see how long he would go with out contacting me. But I couldn't any longer.

[MissBee]

This is it, short and sweet.

 

"I won't make you say it, I realize you can't, but you want it over. I wish you nothing but happiness in your future. I hope one day you will miss me. Know that I loved you very much and still do. No one ever kissed me like you did. You touched my soul."

 

scared tp send, feels final.

 

I wouldn't send something like that.

 

That's not really a firm breakup message, so much as it comes off like you are sending it because you want him to miss you and perhaps what you REALLY want is for him to remember the good stuff and how he "touched your soul" and start acting like that again versus you saying bye firmly.

 

I would not send it personally (BTDT, regretted my emails which were just very emotional and a bit desperate versus firm). You can't break up by saying "No one ever kissed me like you did...I still love you...hope you miss me one day." He won't believe it's done....but I also don't think you're done.

 

*just read that you sent it and your post confirmed what I thought your letter really sounded like, i.e. not really a breakup but a way to tug at his heartstrings in the hopes he sees you hurting and starts back. Keep up posted with what happens henceforth (((hugs)))

Edited May 2, 2013 by MissBee

[DelusionalOne]

Every time I read threads like this And I see the hurt, pain and the fading away of the MM, I am grateful that somewhere in me I found the strength to go NC immediately and not respond to breadcrumbs. I read threads like this and there is no fricken way in hell that I would ever respond to one of his breadcrumbs.

 

Ladies... Go NC. Stay NC no matter what. It sucks... It hurts like bloody hell but I swear to you... It hurts less than what you are feeling now and you won't have to deal with feelings of humiliation.

[Feb]

Feb - yours is 7 days old? did you send a ending letter or just going nc? I know I thought about waiting to see how long he would go with out contacting me. But I couldn't any longer.

 

I went NC ... but there was some indirect messaging in there. So after the final texts where he said he needed some time, and I replied saying I would leave him alone but would always be there for him, I never texted again. Neither did he. However there were some standing lunch dates on our work calendars that I declined (he must have received the declined messages), and i mailed him back something of his that he gave me long ago (it's something personal to him, not a gift like a teddy bear, so I wanted to give the artifact back to it's rightful owner). When I mailed it back to him, there was no note and not even a return address on the envelope.

 

 

I don't blame you for what you sent. After a week you might look back and have a different view on what you sent. We used to talk every day on the phone on the way home from work. That was a big void to not have that daily conversation. So what I did instead was talk through what I wanted to tell him while I was in the car. Just the act of talking it out, though he did not hear it was very helpful, and I would suggest you do the same.

 

 

After you have that pretend discussion, then move to the next step. Based on what you said, how do you think he would have responded? How would you want him to respond to give you the closure you think you need? Why would the 'right' answer make you happy? This is where logic and reality kind of kick in and it helps:

 

 

1) He might say "I love you and I miss you and never wanted you to leave". That would massage your ego temporarily. But then you would question why he pulled away if he loved you so much. So is this really an honest answer, or a pile of crap? Your head would spin around and the answer would ultimately frustrate you.

 

 

2) He might say, "I love you, but need to focus on my family". Ok, but then why couldn't he just say that up front and not end things with so much ambiguity and questions? Again, is this a pile of crap.

 

 

3) He could be very harsh and say, "I'm glad you got the hint after all this time, it's best if you don't contact me." Yes, it's direct, but would be a blow to your ego. Would you be ready to accept this answer?

 

 

You can play every scenario out in your head, but at the end of the day, there is no satisfactory answer or conclusion. That has to come from you, deep within. To communicate anything now less than a month after initial NC is going to be too fraught with emotion (on both sides).

 

 

Come to these boards for comfort -- don't go to him.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Anger feels so much better then this. I can't wait until I feel ready for the "dear dickward" post.

 

 

Be strong. I dont have the guts. I'm letting my MM string me alone knowingly, But I'd like to think I have some control (well, sometimes.) But we still see each other every day at work... so NC for me isnt possible at this point and I know that.

But-- I could still probably write a "dear dickwad" post once a week even when things are good. The text that goes unanswered. The morning he was supposed to come by and "something came up" or when I really really want to hear his voice, but know I can't call in case he is with his wife. Yeah, those moments.

Let us know how youre doing.

[Hinder]

I'm so sorry you're going through this..

 

I've been where you are and it's not pretty, brutal is the only way I can describe it. I remember it well.

 

How are you coping?