Adult mother - adult daughter - major malfunction

[b52srock]

I am absolutely at my wit's end.

 

Currently my husband and I are separated. Both of us come from divorced parents. I'm having a horrible time dealing with his lack of communication and lack of trying when it comes to either getting back together or divorcing.

 

Now, to top off my otherwise horrid life right now, my mother, who should be standing beside me no matter what, has decided that she's not speaking to me either. I have no one to talk to about any of this, the counsellor says she doesn't need to see me any more (husband refused to go back after 2 sessions), and I really don't feel comfortable talking with friends about it because I don't want to put them in the position where they feel they have to choose sides.

 

A little background here...mother has had three major surgeries in the past 12 months, has been on and off various medications with several doctors, none of which will give her the antidepressants I truly feel she needs. She's 67 years old, and no matter what I say its wrong. However, she turns everything around to make herself the victim. We live 300 miles apart in the same state, I work full time (brand new job), have two very active kids in school, and am taking care of everything since the separation. Most weekends my son is working or my daughter has some activity or sleep over going on, and with a new job I just can't drop everything and run to see her.

 

She sees my separation and possible pending divorce in the worst possible light. Nothing my husband has done or said in the past 18 years is right, and if I do things that I feel are right she sees those things as wrong also. If I do what she tells me to do its still not right! I just can't win!

 

Am I losing my mind or what?

[Butchey]

You are not losing your mind. You are just going through rough times. Hold on.

 

I suggest you find a counselor for yourself. I think you are under allot of pressure and need to talk. Marriage difficulties as well as family problems is allot for one person to handle.

 

I commend you for being strong and realizing how important your children are in the whole equation.

 

My ex left me for another man and I was able to maintain the household so that I was awarded full custody of my children. It is possible to go through this hell and emerge a happier and better person.

 

Please try to rely on other family members as well as friends as you experience this. The best support is that which is closest to you. My parents were angels as I went through my low period.

 

So take a breath and keep going!

 

p.s. I may be out of bounds here but pm someone like merin2 (you seem to connect before). Try to stay in contact with one person. Make sure it is a female. Support is essential.

[b52srock]

I always grew up with the philosophy that "God only gives you as much as you can handle"....but right now I feel like I'm absolutely innundated! There are even times when I think maybe I'm the one that's lost it, not everybody around me.

 

It would be nice to have other family to lean on, but I'm an only child, and my father has been dead many years, so there's always been just my mother and I. Maybe that's part of the problem. I've become an adult and haven't really needed her as much until now. Yes, there were always times when I needed advice about the kids or my job, and I did spend some time griping about the husband (what wife doesn't from time to time), but now, when I need her so much she's turning her back, and that really hurts.

 

I do worry that she may be going through the start of Alzheimers, too. Not that she is forgetful or anything, but she makes mountains out of mole hills, and her temper is high nearly all the time. Part of that may be that she's been ill, even though I was there for every surgery and for at least a week of her recovery time. I even brought her home with me after her heart surgery. She's retired, and has cut herself off from all of her friends since her health problems have gotten so bad. The reason I worry is that we went through Alzheimers with my grandmother, her mother, and it was not a pleasant time.

[Lil Honey]

B52sRock:

 

I'm sorta new here (joined this summer) and I haven't been able to get here on a daily basis to learn about all of the members, soooo I don't know anything about you other than what you have posted here. (What I'm saying is that some of my questions/comments might seem pretty stupid. LOL)

 

In a way, the age of your kids makes a difference in how much they understand about your relationship with your husband. In another way, they are going to feel hurt, bewildered, disappointed no matter WHAT age they are.

 

You said that you aren't thrilled with your husband's lack communication about getting back together or getting a divorce. Who's idea was it to split up? Why is there such indecision about which way to go? This is confusing me, imagine what it's doing to the kids! Respectfully, if you and your husband don't know where things are leading, the kids surely don't. They must feel like they are living in limbo, dontcha think?

 

I'm sorry that your mom isn't there for you when you need her to be. I am VERY close to my mom as well. I can't imagine doing anything in my life without her behind me. I also can't imagine not being there for her every step of the way. I can only guess that her meds might be having an affect on her moods. Four surgeries in a year is a lot. You might want to search for info about depression after surgery. It's not uncommon, unfortunately. She may also be dealing with her own mortality after such an ordeal.

 

You said that you are absolutely innundated. That's VERY understandable. Just LOOK at your situation. You are worried about your marriage, you have two kids that you are worried about, and you have an aging parent - and that doesn't mention all the other things life has to throw you. You probably have a car, a house/apartment, a job, etc., to worry about as well.

 

My first two thoughts would be:

 

1. Call a counselor who can help you. Obviously, a counselor who tells you that you no longer have to make appointments is not a good match for you. I would think that a counselor would be asking YOU if you feel the need to make more appointments.

 

2. Get yourself a big calendar (at the Dollar Store they are . . . guess what? . . . a DOLLAR. LOL) and a spiral notebook (Target has 'em for something like 5 for $1 during back-to-school sales). Keep your mind organized by using these two tools. You will be surprised how overwhelmed you feel now and how "free" you feel when you get some things down on paper. I use a separate page in the notebook for each thing that I need to tackle.

 

For example, using your life, I'd label one page "Marriage" and list all the things I needed to do to get that in gear (like writing down phone numbers of divorce lawyers or marriage counselors, names of self-help books for relationships, etc.). I'd label another page "Kids" and I'd list things that I need to buy for them, things to do with them, books to read about helping them through your unsettled marriage). I might label another page "House" and list the chores I want to get done this week.

 

It sounds like a LOT of work, but when I think of something, I go and write it in my notebook. That way, I'm not constantly trying to remember it AND a million other things. Once it's written down, there's a greater chance that it'll get done (instead of being forgotten). Also, I find a sense of accomplishment when I have a list of chores and see several of the items crossed off.

 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

Lil Honey