Staying NC but craving breadcrumbs?! [updated 3 yrs later]

[KPChick000]

New here and just would like to thank everyone in advance for their feedback. Maybe some of you can relate!

 

My 3-yr relationship ended in January. My ex-bf and I stayed in contact for about two months until he told me that he was starting to see someone else. I had been okay with the break-up prior to this (maybe I will go into my story another time; but basically, over the three years, I had doubted my true feelings for him, didn't know if I was in love with him. At the end, we both questioned whether we really loved each other, so we decided to break up.)

 

But, when he told me he was seeing someone else, it devastated me. I still don't know if it is because a) I can't bear to see him with anybody else; or b) I realized how much I love him. Regardless, I decided to go NC (after several "I miss you" phone calls from me and a last face-to-face meeting for "closure"). I had been through a LTR break-up before and knew NC was going to be the only way for me personally to move on.

 

This was 4 weeks ago. It's been a rough road maintaining NC but I'm doing it! I know eventually it will get better. I feel stronger everyday, but of course I have my weak moments. Like now. I read posts on here from dumpees who get what you guys call "breadcrumbs" from their exes - texts, calls, etc. And I find myself jealous?!?! My ex is aware of my previous relationship and how I was/am unable to be friends with an ex while in the process of moving on. He has respected my space and has not contacted me in any shape or form during these 4 weeks. Or maybe he just doesn't care......

 

I find myself wishing that he would throw me some breadcrumbs sometimes - show that I'm on his mind sometimes. After all, we were together and each other's best friend for three years. I find myself disappointed whenever I get a text and it is not from him. I look for his name in my emails. But... Nothing. Nada. Silence. Which is what I need but... All I have left is the memory of our last meeting, where we cried together, hugged, and shared a goodbye kiss. I know breadcrumbs won't do me any good or change anything, but I still crave...

 

Anyone going through something similar?

[CorridorE]

I find myself wishing that he would throw me some breadcrumbs sometimes - show that I'm on his mind sometimes. After all, we were together and each other's best friend for three years. I find myself disappointed whenever I get a text and it is not from him. I look for his name in my emails. But... Nothing. Nada. Silence. Which is what I need but... All I have left is the memory of our last meeting, where we cried together, hugged, and shared a goodbye kiss. I know breadcrumbs won't do me any good or change anything, but I still crave...

 

Anyone going through something similar?

 

I know how you feel. My ex and I were together almost three years and he broke up with me about three months ago. He is also seeing someone else now. I find myself wishing he would contact me as well-not to get back together but just to know I'm on his mind and he might have some regrets-but I've heard nothing. And I know that's what's best; he was a cheater and a lier and I know he's no good for me. But still, I wish he would contact me once to give me the satisfaction of ignoring it. I know I would be strong enough to. Now I guess my focus is on becoming strong enough to not care what he does.

[cavalier99]

Of course he thinks of you. It is impossible after over 3 years together not to. You should be grateful he is not contacting you. This is the correct ettiquette for a dumper.

 

Breadcrumbs are waaaay over rated. In fact they are down right destructive to your healing process. Trust me on this. You DONT want one. And the nicer they are the worse youll feel. I got one while i was recovering and it messed me up for a month.

 

Just stay NC until indifferent. Your doing well. Rock on! Cav

[SweetBella1]

My relationship was very different from yours but there is one similarity: yes I really truly wish that my ex would try to contact me!

 

He's the one who broke up, right during the height of our affection for each other (long story.) The break up was so unexpected, for both of us. I feel that he overreacted, but he must believe that he was within his rights.

 

I keep hoping that he'll soften in his views and reach out to me. There's been NC for 3 weeks. Each day I hope that I'll care less than the day before and reach that blessed state of indifference that others talk about....but it hasn't happened yet. He pretty much dominates my thoughts and I miss him.

 

I'd just like to know that he misses me, that he thinks of me...

[LoveB86]

I got cheated on, lied to, blindsided and all of the above and he's with her officially and supposedly their living together after a month of them knowing each other.

 

Not sure exactly how that happened, but their in love and he had not contacted me since the BU. I still wonder if he have atleast 1 thought of me while he is with her.

 

But another LS Poster (Bustedupinside) made a awesome point about her thoughts of "a dumper".. Please what she read below as it might just gets you thru ur moments even just a little:

 

I try to have a mantra in my head for when the obsessive thoughts try to take over

1. He doesn't love me anymore. The reason doesn't matter only the result.

2. He will never love me again. No matter what I change, no matter what I do, we will never be in a relationship again.

3. He doesn't care what I am doing so I have to stop caring what he is doing.

4. If his number one concern is himself, and my number one concern is him, then who is putting me first?

5. Finally, if he really wanted me or cared, nothing would stop him from contacting me. The very fact that we have been NC for three weeks is

evidence that he is happy in his new me-free life. Accept it!

 

 

Shoutout to (Bustedupinside) for this! When I get down, I just read this.. it sucks back reality to me and reminda me that I need to love/want/spend my precious time with someone who WANTS to be with me like your Ex wanting to be with someone else.

[LoveB86]

It's been 4 weeks since the breakup for me and he had been official with his girlfriend since.

[youngnlove89]

When someone continuously ignores you/doesn't talk to you, they are teaching you how to live a better life without them.

 

You are lucky that he is mature enough, unselfish enough to give you that chance to move on.

 

I wish my ex did. He would be doing me a favor.

[thefooloftheyear]

Its a waste of your time and dignity,,,,

 

Be glad you arent getting them....

 

TFY

[Chi townD]

What you have to understand is that "breadcrumbs" aren't meant for you. Breadcrumbs are a selfish way of assuring our Ex's that they still hold some sort of power over us. Let's them know that if they pull on the leash, they know that the dog is still there. Breadcrumbs can also be used as a tool for them to ease their own guilt. And they're hoping for you to take that burden of guilt away from them which is also selfishly motivated.

 

A good breadcrumb most people get is "I miss you." Okay....so what! They miss us. Big deal! It's not an admission of wanting to get back together. It's not a profession of undying love for us. It's really....nothing.

 

So, be glad you're not getting them.

[BustedUpInside]

I always think of no contact and breadcrumbs like a band aid. If you were injured and then the person who hurt you was also the one who was going to remove the bandaid, how would you want them to do it? All at once and then nothing, letting the wound breathe and heal or a little bit everyday always opening the cut back up and never giving it a chance to recover? Breadcrumbs keep the injury fresh while no contact makes a clean break.

[KPChick000]

Thanks all for your encouragement. It's also nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I do miss him. We used to talk every day, and then I had to quit cold turkey. It is not easy, and there are times where I want to just pick up the phone and call him just to hear his voice. But I don't, because I know the possible negative repercussions, and they outweigh any possible good.

 

I guess I just have to trust that after three years together he hasn't forgotten about me. Thanks for saying that he is actually doing me a favor by giving me space, and not throwing me selfish breadcrumbs. Sigh, him doing the right thing makes me miss the good side of him...lose/lose?

[mtnbiker3000]

Thanks all for your encouragement. It's also nice to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I do miss him. We used to talk every day, and then I had to quit cold turkey. It is not easy, and there are times where I want to just pick up the phone and call him just to hear his voice. But I don't, because I know the possible negative repercussions, and they outweigh any possible good.

 

I guess I just have to trust that after three years together he hasn't forgotten about me. Thanks for saying that he is actually doing me a favor by giving me space, and not throwing me selfish breadcrumbs. Sigh, him doing the right thing makes me miss the good side of him...lose/lose?

 

I'm also out of a 3 year RS. And I get wanting reassurance that you are on their mind. Just have to trust that you are! But I agree that breadcrumbs are worse. You will just over analyze and read way too much into it. Better to just let it be and know that no on can forget a lover after having spent so much intense time together. No one!! Just stay NC and work on yourself. That's what I am trying to do. It is hard. I know!!!

[SalientPoint]

I always used to think this but for the first time in my life finally getting some breadcrumbs, it actually makes it harder. It's one of those things that you think you want until you have it and then you realize how much it slows down the healing process. So he and you are doing the right thing. Sounds like one of the healthiest break up's on here

[EmptyWalls]

Hey sweetheart! I'm sorry to hear about your heartbreak, but everyone on here has/is giving you fantastic advice. Consider it a blessing there is no contact. Also don't spend time thinking about what woulda, coulda, shoulda it will rip you apart inside. It's hard at first but believe that it will get better! 7 years I was invested 5 of those seeing, talking, and waking up next to each other everyday. She was my partner my best friend and it's like half of my life is missing now.

 

But we have lived 18, 20, 30, and so on years without this person that should tell us they are not essential to our survival. I didn't get breadcrumbs but I got "can you do this, do that, I need this" foolishly I complied for weeks. Im sure he still thinks about you but not in the way you want him to. Remember there is nothing wrong with you sometimes things just don't work out but no one knows future. Life throws obstacles at us and we have to get through them, but remember this biggest obstacle is ourselves. Good luck!

[CorridorE]

What you have to understand is that "breadcrumbs" aren't meant for you. Breadcrumbs are a selfish way of assuring our Ex's that they still hold some sort of power over us.

 

Personally, I completely understand this. But it's actually that hard truth that makes some of us want the contact, because realizing that they no longer WANT to hold some sort of power over us is hard too. If they were throwing breadcrumbs, atleast you'd know they thought of you from time to time even if it was for selfish reasons. Of course, it's not right for any of us to be with that sort of person, but even if you are strong enough to ignore breadcrumbs, when they stop the realization that you have been completely forgotten is still difficult to swallow for anyone. I know we'll pull through though.

[KPChick000]

Just wanted to vent...

 

Currently 5 weeks NC.

 

Seems like everybody's ex is texting/emailing/calling/showing up in person and mine is not doing any of it. I understand that they're mostly all breadcrumbs and that I truly don't need/want them, but it's like he doesn't even think I exist anymore. It hurts.

 

I know my ex and I are doing NC the "healthy" way but just hate that I still have this longing for some contact. When will it go away?!

[ViciousCycle]

I'm sorry friend I am right there with you. I try to grasp the idea that if they aren't contacting me and aren't super remorseful and mature that I am way better off in the long run. I also try to remember that moving past this can take time for both parties. 5 weeks feels like forever, but in the grand scheme it's not.

 

I think it's our ego talking. That or our desire for comfort. Even if he did come back down the line for whatever reason, this pain and struggle is still good for you. You now know that you don't need to rely on anyone, and that will hopefully benefit your future relationship with whoever.

[AKisBaked]

Sorry to hear that your hurting and I can relate to what your going through now what I had gone through before. Like my ex was giving me so much hope and tossing huge chunks of breadcrumbs ( that sounds kind of funny) but she would take it away right away. So pretty much she was playing with my emotions.

 

After when I finally cut her loose and went NC. she started to call me alot and just last week she sent me a text saying "Hey." and just yesterday she called once again. None of those times I bothered to pick up or reply to her. It seems like she is trying to toss me breadcrumbs but I'm just not taking the bait. At this point there isn't really anything left to talk about with me and her. Nor do I think at this point there is anything for you and your ex bf to talk about either. It's time for you to heal and gather yourself to make yourself better. You've gone through enough hurt. It's time to focus on yourself and making yourself a better person. You need to give yourself time to reflect and find new interests. Things will eventually turn for the better The bad will eventually pass.

[Chi townD]

Just wanted to vent...

 

Currently 5 weeks NC.

 

Seems like everybody's ex is texting/emailing/calling/showing up in person and mine is not doing any of it. I understand that they're mostly all breadcrumbs and that I truly don't need/want them, but it's like he doesn't even think I exist anymore. It hurts.

 

I know my ex and I are doing NC the "healthy" way but just hate that I still have this longing for some contact. When will it go away?!

 

Yeah, and all the threads you see that have people having their Ex's throwing them breadcrumbs is driving them insane. To the point where they need to post about it here.

[IS IT Better late]

Chitown is right!

 

Breadcrumbs are just a temporary high for us! I've been getting a ton of them and I ate everyone. I went so far as to set up a date with my ex for later this week.

 

Guess what... she texted me this AM to cancel. So now I'm here reeling licking my wounds. I was so excited to see her, it's been almost 3-months.

 

I feel horrible and like a complete fool!! I've been weak in my NC attempts. Maybe this is straw that breaks my back and stay angry at this tool!!

 

Be glad your ex isn't toying with you!

[KPChick000]

I’m at 6 weeks NC. Aside from lapses of judgment checking facebook (even though he and I are no longer fb friends), my ex and I have not texted, emailed, spoken, or seen each other in 6 weeks. I’m surprised I’ve lasted this long, considering this is the guy I spoke to nearly every day and night for 3 years.

 

It hasn’t been an easy road. I am still in the midst of the grieving process and am not "over it" yet. I have my bad days where I want to do nothing but mope around and wallow in self-pity, but they've become less frequent. I get sad when I hear certain songs or when something conjures up a memory of us. I occasionally still dream about us. But, I no longer do the sobbing I can’t breathe cry (hope I am not jinxing myself!). I no longer feel like I have to talk about him or the BU to my family/friends all the time. I can be at work and actually concentrate on work. I can enjoy myself and genuinely laugh when I’m out with friends or family. My appetite has returned.

 

I am slowly but surely getting to the point of acceptance. As time goes on, reality sinks in more and more. That the relationship is over. That he no longer wants to try to make "us" work. That he’s decided to take a chance with someone else. This is not to say that I have lost all hope. There is still a glimmer of hope (fantasy?) that we will reconcile somewhere down the line, maybe not anytime soon as I now harbor some resentment over him moving on so quickly, but maybe in the future. As much as my head tries to force this hope out of my heart, it remains. I don’t know how to get rid of it, aside from getting angry which is always fleeting.

 

As most people here feel about their respective relationship, what he and I have/had is special. I just can’t fathom that he’s found this with someone else so quickly. It’s been difficult knowing that he is seeing somebody else. I have to catch myself when I go off into space envisioning them together, and it’s usually some horrible mental image of them being intimate or cuddling. To stop myself from dwelling and, worse, getting upset about it, I tell myself that it’s already done- they’ve already been intimate- and being upset won’t change a thing. Plus, I already had him. And the thoughts go away…for the time being.

 

My biggest struggle is dealing with the fact that he hasn’t contacted me all this time. I understand NC is what we both need, but the natural reaction of feeling rejected, unwanted, or forgotten does rear its ugly head from time to time (ok, often). And I don’t believe that the lack of contact is due to him being an ungrateful jerk. He knows how I am with my exes and how I cannot be friends. He knows from our last meeting that I need my time and space. But…I still crave…some contact. Questions swim in my head: does he want to contact me but knows he can’t/shouldn’t or maybe he can’t bring himself to do it because I won’t? Does he miss me? People here say exes contact to relieve guilt - does this mean he has no guilt at all?

 

So many questions... Not having answers to any of them is tough. Not having control is tough.

 

I will NOT be the one to initiate contact. Even with the strongest urge, I will not. I know myself better than that. I know any contact will set me back. It might feel good for a second to hear his voice and feel connected to him again, but I don’t need to hear the words "it didn't work between us" or "I’ve moved on" repeated. Once (twice) was enough, yeah? In a way, I’m also trying to preserve my last memory of him where we hugged and cried together. I'm also now too prideful.

 

I know I have a ways to go. I still miss him everyday. One thing I must overcome is the temptation to check up on him on fb. On Saturday, one of his friends is getting married. I would have accompanied him to the wedding had we not broken up. He told me he didn’t plan on taking the new girl. I fear that he will anyway. I know it shouldn't matter, but I know I will see it as a betrayal. So, I have preemptively blocked all our mutual friends from my newsfeed, so I don’t see pictures from this weekend. I pray that I will be strong. I hope I don't succumb to the temptation. Ugh anxiety!

 

Thanks to LS for giving me an outlet - it's been nice to have support (from strangers ).

[Minneloa]

Yay, you! Way to be strong and take care of yourself!

 

 

I'm glad to hear that you are beginning to reap the rewards that NC offers: healing and emotional growth.

 

 

Thanks for an honest and inspiring post.

[BustedUpInside]

It's weird how similar our stories are. I can completely relate to everything you have said here in this and previous posts. You really are doing a great job keeping No contact and I think that you should be giving yourself way more credit for being as mature and logical about handling the breakup and your emotions.

 

I don't know your ex, but I am going to guess that he is probably a lot like my ex. Which means that despite all the mean stuff I have said about him, he is probably not the worst guy on the planet. Your ex isn't contacting you because, while he may not want to be in a relationship, he still cares about you. He knows that talking to you would make him feel better but only at the expense of your healing. He would get to alleviate his guilt, but he knows that you would feel terrible. He is probably willing to shoulder any guilt or suppress any conflicted feelings because he is trying to be a good guy. He probably feels like a jerk for hurting you and this is his way of trying to make up for it a little bit.

 

I just want to say again how awesome I think you are doing and to keep up the great work

[LoveB86]

KPChick,

 

I feel you 100% on this. You are not alone. I know the feeling!! Am glad to hear your progress. I hope you will continue to smile after this. Much love to you!!

[KPChick000]

Thanks Minneloa, BustedUpInside, LoveB for your kind words! I hope I can truck along on this NC journey to recovery. This weekend will be a true test. I'm trying to keep busy, going to a food and music festival in the city tomorrow, and of course I have blocked all our mutual friends (and there's a lot!) on Facebook. I know I DON'T really want to know about the wedding, but just knowing the temptation will be there is giving me anxiety.

 

It's weird how similar our stories are. I can completely relate to everything you have said here in this and previous posts. You really are doing a great job keeping No contact and I think that you should be giving yourself way more credit for being as mature and logical about handling the breakup and your emotions.

 

I don't know your ex, but I am going to guess that he is probably a lot like my ex. Which means that despite all the mean stuff I have said about him, he is probably not the worst guy on the planet. Your ex isn't contacting you because, while he may not want to be in a relationship, he still cares about you. He knows that talking to you would make him feel better but only at the expense of your healing. He would get to alleviate his guilt, but he knows that you would feel terrible. He is probably willing to shoulder any guilt or suppress any conflicted feelings because he is trying to be a good guy. He probably feels like a jerk for hurting you and this is his way of trying to make up for it a little bit.

 

I just want to say again how awesome I think you are doing and to keep up the great work

 

 

I know what you mean about the ex not being the worst guy. Yes, he gave up on the relationship, yes he moved on, but deep down, I know he is a good person, which is why this process is so hard. Neither of us really did anything wrong- it just didn't work. I miss my best friend and confidante, and it's hard to think of him as anything other than that. As more time passes, I feel like eventually we will become estranged (if it hasn't happened already), and at this moment, it just seems so surreal that we have come to this.

 

I semi know he is not contacting me for noble reasons, but it still hurts. I guess it's part of grieving.

 

I'm now living a life without him, which feels foreign but I'm slowly adjusting. It will take time before this feels "normal" again, I know this from experience. It just seems so weird that he can be "normal" with someone else now. Meanwhile, I can walk around the mall and think "oh he held my hand through the mall when we went a few months ago..." Ugh...I just want to feel normal.

 

(Btw, I love reading your advice! You are always so insightful )