Staying NC but craving breadcrumbs?! [updated 3 yrs later]

[KPChick000]

This is becoming like my journal

 

So, the fails continued into the night. I forced myself to go out with friends last night to forget what I had just seen on fb. Allowed myself to be receptive to guys and flirted back. Had one too many drinks. Ended up going home with this cute guy whom I'd never met before but he knows my friend. Fooled around for a bit but couldn't bring myself to sleep with him.

 

Ugh. It was too soon. I did find him attractive but I wasn't totally into it (for obvious reasons). I felt like I was pushing myself to move on from the ex. I wanted to feel attractive and wanted again, but I don't really feel any better today. So, that's that. At least an experience.

 

Then, woke up and realized my phone was not in my purse. I must have left it at the bar or dropped it. Used the guy's phone to call it but went straight to VM. Couldn't locate it via GPS because it is off. Then, I became highly stressed out because I don't think I've backed up in a long time, which means I'll probably will lose my photos and texts. The thought of losing the last pieces of my ex on the phone makes me kinda sad.

 

Maybe this is a sign. To let go and move forward. Start anew. I wish I could.

[Flatline]

Your rubber ducky, squeeze the rubber ducky. Promise you'll feel better.

 

Everyone wishes that they could go back and fix things. But that just isn't a reality. The best you can do right now is to ease up, put your feet up, and try to allow yourself forgiveness. Forgive yourself. That's always the first step.

 

Take it easy, we're all right here with you.

[Leigh 87]

WOW.

 

I feel SO terrible for you.

 

It would feel SO awful to love a guy who you saw move on in two months.

 

Your story is painful to read, yet it could very well help others.

 

I am hoping your story will help ME actually - I want to MAINTAIN NC and my face book block, because I DO NOT want to see when he moves on two months down the track.

 

Or sooner. If he has not found someone already weeks after the break up!

 

I want to avoid what your feeling months down the track..

 

I will thank you in 2 months if I can remain strong and not ever waver in my facebook block.

 

I will thank you if I can move on in the months to come without talking to him, and uncovering what I don't want to hear.

[lop98]

I feel like I wrote this, similar story, same feelings.

[KPChick000]

I'm sorry lop98 that you're experiencing similar feelings.

 

I'm really mad at myself for setting myself back. I had been starting to sleep better, but I had one of the worst sleeps last night- just tossing and turning realizing the reality is what it is. The urge to break NC is growing stronger. I need to control it. My head keeps saying, no don't do it, nothing good can come of it as he is with someone else, you've come so "far". But my heart wants him to know I still want to be with him; that despite initiating NC, I haven't forgotten about him one bit, and I want him to choose me.

 

But he won't. Why does he have to give up on us? Why is she in the picture? Finding out about them at the wedding has impacted me a great deal. I wanted to believe it was a rebound (even though I kinda knew it wasn't), but now I have to accept, REALLY accept, that she is a part of his life. While I know that he isn't replacing me, I feel like she's stepped into my shoes. Being at a wedding is like going public with your new relationship, and I'm just sad that he was confident enough to do so, that our mutual friends now know she exists and I am out of the picture.

 

I'm just so sad, and no one can help me but me. Writing this out is therapeutic but not enough...

[BLo7687]

I've read your threads and I feel like we somewhat have similar stories. I can relate. My ex moved on quick too. Well he's always been the type that can't be alone. I've accepted that I'm no longer a part of his life and this new girl is now.

 

Hang in there ..we'll get through it eventually.

[Suave]

Many times, the dumper has someone waiting in the wings to take over before they cast you aside. It's incredibly selfish and unfair to you, but that's the way it is.

[BustedUpInside]

No, I do know why. I was searching for any clues that would indicate that they were no longer seeing each other. Why can't this hope inside of me die already? I am sad that it wasn't what I had hoped to see. I half-expected to stumble upon something I did not want to see, but seeing the picture of them together still took the wind out of me. I haven't cried (I bet it's coming though), but I am sitting here wondering how we came to this and why things turned out the way they did. AGAIN.

It is truly hurtful that my chance to make things ok is gone. The ship has sailed. Forever. The girl he is seeing probably doesn't have issues expressing herself or committing, and they will live happily ever after. Maybe she can see herself being with him forever- why couldn't I have? What was wrong with me? I so wish I could have. I am jealous she gets to spend days and nights with him. I am jealous that she accompanied him to the wedding. I am sad that I am now an outsider (if that) in his life.

 

Ok, first things first, you have got to stop beating yourself up. Repeat this to yourself: My self esteem is not tied to what my ex is doing. My value is not tied to whether he is dating someone new. Just because we aren't in a relationship does not mean that I am not awesome.

 

Second, you can't know what he is thinking or what the new girl is thinking. Maybe they are serious or maybe they are just sort of friends. Maybe he didn't have a date to the wedding but didn't want to go alone because he is not ready to meet other people so he took someone familiar. Maybe he is in love with her. Maybe they are super serious. Either way, you don't have any idea what the truth is. Even if you asked him, I doubt you would get any satisfying answers.

 

Third, you are not an outsider. An outsider would be someone who never had the opportunity to be involved with your ex. It is more like you are a section on a continuum. You may not be intimately involved with him anymore but I am absolutely sure that you still occupy an important place in his heart. Your relationship did not break up because you have "issues" and the new girl is "perfect". Sometimes things don't work out, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't care for or respect you.

 

Finally, EVERYONE has issues. Some of yours may have contributed to the breakup, but so did his! You may have trouble committing but obviously so does he. He could have expressed himself a lot early and saved you the obvious heartache. As for her, she is no replacement for you. You are awesome and strong and no one would ever be able to "replace" you.

 

Again, don't be too hard on yourself. We all check up on our ex's online life. Just remember that online isn't real life and you have no idea what's going on in his head. Just try to get back on track and keep healing. You can do it!

[Leigh 87]

I would be DEVESTATED if my ex took a new girl he was starting to get serious about, to one of his mates upcoming weddings 2 or even 3 months after the break up.

 

Your story has seriously helped ME; I DON'T want to make your mistake of breaking No Contact.

 

It would ruin me, and undo ALL my progress.

 

Not knowing? It will still be hard living without him at all since we WERE once to close.

 

Knowing? A KILLER.

 

I am so sorry again for your pain. But you may have helped save me and other posters so much pain ourselves....

[KPChick000]

Thanks, everyone, for your support and encouragement. I'm so thankful for you guys!

 

Ok, first things first, you have got to stop beating yourself up. Repeat this to yourself: My self esteem is not tied to what my ex is doing. My value is not tied to whether he is dating someone new. Just because we aren't in a relationship does not mean that I am not awesome.

 

Second, you can't know what he is thinking or what the new girl is thinking. Maybe they are serious or maybe they are just sort of friends. Maybe he didn't have a date to the wedding but didn't want to go alone because he is not ready to meet other people so he took someone familiar. Maybe he is in love with her. Maybe they are super serious. Either way, you don't have any idea what the truth is. Even if you asked him, I doubt you would get any satisfying answers.

 

Third, you are not an outsider. An outsider would be someone who never had the opportunity to be involved with your ex. It is more like you are a section on a continuum. You may not be intimately involved with him anymore but I am absolutely sure that you still occupy an important place in his heart. Your relationship did not break up because you have "issues" and the new girl is "perfect". Sometimes things don't work out, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't care for or respect you.

 

Finally, EVERYONE has issues. Some of yours may have contributed to the breakup, but so did his! You may have trouble committing but obviously so does he. He could have expressed himself a lot early and saved you the obvious heartache. As for her, she is no replacement for you. You are awesome and strong and no one would ever be able to "replace" you.

 

Again, don't be too hard on yourself. We all check up on our ex's online life. Just remember that online isn't real life and you have no idea what's going on in his head. Just try to get back on track and keep healing. You can do it!

 

BustedUpInside, your words truly help me- thank you

 

I don't know why I am always so hard on myself- I guess it's my nature. It's probably why it takes me so long to get over a relationship. I tend to shoulder all the blame (even if it's not true) because I want to believe that I could have saved the relationship. But, maybe I couldn't have. I need to believe this.

 

And you're right, just because he is with someone else, and even if she seems "better" in my eyes, doesn't mean he thought or thinks of it that way. It's very easy to fall into that trap though. Sometimes it makes the situation more bearable if we bury ourselves in self-deprecation, because then we wouldn't have the other unanswerable questions of why things didn't work out.

 

I won't contact him. I know better. FB is the devil, and I need to stop checking. Again, you're right, I don't know how serious they are, but the pictures really killed me. Knowing and seeing are completely different. Seeing makes it seem real AND serious. And the two months of no contact between me and him makes me think that he's had enough time to truly move on.

 

I want to be over this already. I know I took a couple wrong turns this weekend, i.e. fb and making out with this new guy. The thing is, I HAVEN'T even cried about all of this. I've become sorta numb to this, because nothing has changed (with him), it's just I got slapped with reality once again.

[BustedUpInside]

 

I want to be over this already. I know I took a couple wrong turns this weekend, i.e. fb and making out with this new guy. The thing is, I HAVEN'T even cried about all of this. I've become sorta numb to this, because nothing has changed (with him), it's just I got slapped with reality once again.

 

All of those feelings are completely normal. You have had a setback and a shocking experience. It must have been awful to see those pictures. I definitely know that punched in the gut feeling. Your ex probably knows the feeling too (I don't know why but picturing my ex being shocked by some of the new things I am doing makes me feel better).

 

I know that you said you are feeling numb and eventually will cry about all this, so my advice is to just keep living your life. If you breakdown, then just let it happen, if you don't and just keep moving forward, then that is good too. Either way, you are doing fine and you will get through this and then be even better.

[lissa90]

Oh Kp, I wish I had read your post before I made my slip up!

 

We are both in the same situation and it truly does suck and hurt all at the same time.

 

The only thing I can say is, you are not alone although it can sometimes feel like it.

 

I too feel like maybe my ex's new girlfriend doesn't have the issues I did or that maybe she's better at the things I am not..maybe she's smarter than me. Maybe he finds her more attractive than me, likes her body better. But all those thoughts are just another way we are using to beat ourselves up with and make ourselves feel ****ty.

 

All day I've been trying to find peace in myself, which is tough because I go from feeling "I hate him, how could he move on so fast, did he ever mean it when he said he loved me" to "negative feelings towards him won't change things and it certainly doesn't make me feel any happier to do so"

 

Take things one step at a time..one day at a time. Eventually we'll both move on, that is inevitable

..we just have to keep going until we see that light at the end of the dark tunnel.

[crazy1234]

Its just so painful love.I don't know what to say,but pray for you to get through this..which you will at the end of the day.We all through this infact i did too..my ex left me for someone else and they were together ofcourse,and sadly i happen to see their fb pic on his profile as his profile picture.I don't know but this might make you feel alittle better that we all go through this and how we go through this?Well some cry their way out ,some go out with their friends,party,and what not.Do whatever helps you,you just need to get through this now just like u did the other bad stuffs he has done to you.Its just another bad day love.Sometimes they come to haunt you,sometimes they come to haunt us instead.I go through it everyday.It hurts everyday when i think of all his lies and manipulation i'v been a part of.You'll be fine love..its just another lesson we learn from our bad choices.We'r here for you.

[KPChick000]

Officially two months since I've disappeared from his life. I had a setback last weekend looking on fb and seeing a pic of him and the girl he is seeing. I then went out all last weekend to distract myself and kept myself busy during the week. I kept saying to myself, I don't have time to think about this. I didn't shed one tear.

 

But now, one week later, the tears are flowing. It's cathartic. I think I have arrived at the acceptance phase of the grieving process. I have no hope of reconciling, seeing, or talking to him ever again. It's hit me that he is no longer the same man I once knew, held, loved. He is someone else's.

 

And it makes me feel so alone, even though I have family and friends. Alone with my own thoughts, memories, grief, and fear. I miss him, there's no doubt about it. As much as I don't want to admit it and "fake it til I make it", I miss him. And no one knows but me (and you on LS). Not even him.

[youngnlove89]

Alone with my own thoughts, memories, grief, and fear. I miss him, there's no doubt about it. As much as I don't want to admit it and "fake it til I make it", I miss him. And no one knows but me (and you on LS). Not even him.

 

It's good to be alone. This is the process you have to go through. And it is more than okay to miss him. You had feelings. You love him. This is so normal sweetie.

 

I am so sorry *hug with a huge squeeze* That feeling is just so darn hard to get over. It really does just take time.

 

Be alone, have your time, nurse yourself. Listen to sad songs, write out your feelings, look at old pictures, take an aromatic bath, take a nap, watch "he's just not than into you" and eat your favorite ice-cream. It's okay to have a day like this.

 

Take care of your heart, it needs you now.

[BustedUpInside]

Sometimes I wonder if people on here are stealing pages out of my diary. I mean, honestly, I was just sitting here thinking that I am almost there. I have accepted that my ex is not ever coming back, he has no interest in talking to me or being friends, and he probably doesn't ever think about me the way I think about him.

 

I haven't cried in awhile, or bored my family and friends with endless dissection of the relationship. No one knows how I feel anymore except for people on here I keep a brave face on and try to make an effort to appear like my old self. Most days I don't have to try that hard but sometimes I really have to pretend pretty hard.

 

I don't have any actual advice, but I wanted to let you know that I feel the same way. I just miss him. I don't want him back, but I just miss him. The old him, because that's who I really felt like I knew.

 

I think we will be fine. It's just part of the healing process

[KPChick000]

Thanks ladies. I am having one of those days. I hadn't cried in a while too. This morning, I woke up and just felt so lonely and empty. Like everything I worked for got pulled from under me. I know he isn't/wasn't my everything, but he was a big part of my life. And now that he's gone, I'm trying to fill that void, but it feels like nothing can fill it.

 

I, too, put on a brave face in front of family and friends. I even try to convince myself that I'm okay. But, there is still that ache in my chest that doesn't seem to go away. I accept that I can't have him anymore (I don't even know if I could accept him even if he came back). However, I do still long for the past, I long for his voice and laughter, I long for his hand holding mine, I long to be in his arms. And as I type this, I feel so lame. But it is the reality right now.

[BustedUpInside]

Thanks ladies. I am having one of those days. I hadn't cried in a while too. This morning, I woke up and just felt so lonely and empty. Like everything I worked for got pulled from under me. I know he isn't/wasn't my everything, but he was a big part of my life. And now that he's gone, I'm trying to fill that void, but it feels like nothing can fill it.

 

I, too, put on a brave face in front of family and friends. I even try to convince myself that I'm okay. But, there is still that ache in my chest that doesn't seem to go away. I accept that I can't have him anymore (I don't even know if I could accept him even if he came back). However, I do still long for the past, I long for his voice and laughter, I long for his hand holding mine, I long to be in his arms. And as I type this, I feel so lame. But it is the reality right now.

 

I don't know what everyone else thinks about this method, but I actually like to have these days every couple of weeks. I just wallow in misery all day long. I think about how sad I am, I remember all the good times, I day dream about what my life would be like if we had never broken up, and I spend all day reading other sad stories on the internet. Thank you LS

 

By having these days, it actually shows me how far I have come. Those sad days used to be every day! Then they were every other day. Then they were once or twice a week. Now, they are just once every couple of weeks. I really am getting better and so are you!

 

Keep taking care of yourself. I promise that we are going to be better and it is not going to take forever before you won't even be able to remember the last time you had a really sad day!

[KPChick000]

I'm definitely having one of those days you're talking about. I was supposed to go out this evening but just do not have the strength. Plus, it's a long drive away . As strange as it sounds, it feels familiar (?!) being sad, and I'd rather just be by myself today. I hadn't had one of these low days in a while. I was sad last weekend, but I pushed through it and surrounded myself with friends. Or maybe just suppressing.

 

That's not to say I LIKE being sad. I think occasionally I need one because at times I feel almost numb about it all. Maybe denial?

 

You're right- these days will become less frequent and I hope one day I can look back and roll my eyes at what I wrote

[ViolaSwamp]

Same exact thing for me. almost two months and got blindsided when I heard about/saw him with the new girl.

 

It sucks and its a horrible feeling.

Be good to yourself and honor your feelings. grieve and take as long as you need to fully get over him and the loss of the relationship.

 

Maybe use these feelings to dig deep and ask yourself what you are really upset about.

 

Be kind to yourself and do what you need to to feel better. Take a long bath light some candles and unleash your tears, And trust. Trust in yourself and know you are going to come out of this a whole new person and youll look back and not even want him anymore. Embrace the change you will go through and accept the clarity and wisdom the universe will give you about yourself and the relationship. Breakups are so hard and painful but they mold you and teach you such valuable lessons.

 

I feel your pain and know how bad it feels. Try not to take his actions to heart and make them about you. Give yourself time and ask to grasp and apply the lessons this breakup and past relationship have to teach you.

 

And always remember that with breakups, the best revenge is indifference. Youll get there. stay strong.

[KPChick000]

So... Four months since break-up of relationship of over three years, two months of no contact with the ex-bf.

 

It's been a roller-coaster ride. Some days I'm "normal"/ok, other days not so much. I hate to admit defeat or that I'm weak, but the urge to break NC has grown the past couple days. I KNOW that it's a bad idea; and while I am pretty confident that my head/fear/pride will continue to prevail over these urges, I am becoming worried that the urge seems always there and may intensify, especially with mine and his birthdays coming up. So, instead of breaking NC, I have made an appointment this weekend with a counselor to hopefully help me deal with the anxiety, emotions, etc.

 

I have been through break-ups before, so I know I am capable of getting over them without help, but I am trying to be proactive about my healing. I know four months hasn't been that long. But, admittedly, it's been more painful than I imagined because he moved on sooner than expected. This will be my first time ever visiting a counselor and I have no idea what to expect. I don't really expect that all my problems will magically disappear once I see this woman, but I do hope that it will relieve some of the emotional burden currently solely on my shoulders. I don't really talk to family/friends about the break-up anymore because, really, there isn't anything new to say. (LS is the exception.)

 

It makes me feel so defeated though... And I'm nervous... Is this a good idea...

[BustedUpInside]

So... Four months since break-up of relationship of over three years, two months of no contact with the ex-bf.

 

It's been a roller-coaster ride. Some days I'm "normal"/ok, other days not so much. I hate to admit defeat or that I'm weak, but the urge to break NC has grown the past couple days. I KNOW that it's a bad idea; and while I am pretty confident that my head/fear/pride will continue to prevail over these urges, I am becoming worried that the urge seems always there and may intensify, especially with mine and his birthdays coming up. So, instead of breaking NC, I have made an appointment this weekend with a counselor to hopefully help me deal with the anxiety, emotions, etc.

 

I have been through break-ups before, so I know I am capable of getting over them without help, but I am trying to be proactive about my healing. I know four months hasn't been that long. But, admittedly, it's been more painful than I imagined because he moved on sooner than expected. This will be my first time ever visiting a counselor and I have no idea what to expect. I don't really expect that all my problems will magically disappear once I see this woman, but I do hope that it will relieve some of the emotional burden currently solely on my shoulders. I don't really talk to family/friends about the break-up anymore because, really, there isn't anything new to say. (LS is the exception.)

 

It makes me feel so defeated though... And I'm nervous... Is this a good idea...

 

 

It would only be a defeat if you knowingly engaged in destructive behavior and then tried to justify it afterwards without taking any responsibility.

 

You are actually empowering yourself. You are admitting a weak area in your life and then taking steps to fix the problem. That is awesome! To have the degree of self realization that you can analyze your behavior objectively and see where you may need some outside assistance is a skill that many people try hard for years to acquire.

 

You really are doing better. Just think if this had come up a couple of months ago. You would have probably actually contacted your ex and set yourself back. Now, you recognize the signs and are trying to prevent bad things before they happen. You are taking full responsibility for your actions and guess who is not even figuring into the equation? That's right! Your ex. Your thoughts are focused on yourself, and that is exactly the progress you wanted to make when you first started posting on this site.

 

As far as I am concerned, you are doing great! Really great! Good job and good luck with your counseling session! :laugh:

[aloneinaz]

I agree you're being proactive in NOT contacting him by considering therapy. I know it sucks but as a guy who's recently been dumped and has dumped many himself, this guy is gone. You need to let him go. If I had any doubts about potentially going back to a girl that I dumped, it would be in the first 30-60 days. As I'm learning in my recent situation, my ex was probably checking before the fight that ended it.

 

A therapist can give you good insight and direction to put him behind you so you don't embarrass yourself by contacting him. That's all that would happen if you do contact him this many months post break up. I've done it and it makes you feel 10 times worse when you do. The other party will think you need some help.

 

I hope the therapy gets you over the hump to move on and possibly even go on casual dates as a distraction to get past your ex.

[mtnbiker3000]

So... Four months since break-up of relationship of over three years, two months of no contact with the ex-bf.

 

Same here. 3 year RS. 18 months engaged. 4 months BU. 3 months NC

 

It's been a roller-coaster ride. Some days I'm "normal"/ok, other days not so much. I hate to admit defeat or that I'm weak, but the urge to break NC has grown the past couple days. I KNOW that it's a bad idea; and while I am pretty confident that my head/fear/pride will continue to prevail over these urges, I am becoming worried that the urge seems always there and may intensify, especially with mine and his birthdays coming up. So, instead of breaking NC, I have made an appointment this weekend with a counselor to hopefully help me deal with the anxiety, emotions, etc.

 

Ah yes... The roller coaster ride. And not the fun type. I know this ride very well. Why do you hate to admit defeat? Admitting to something that went sideways and hurts is fine. It's healthy. As long as you learn from it. And weak? I don't know what you did/are doing that is weak. If running the gamut of emotions after a painful BU is weak, then I am the weakest person on the planet. I think a counselor is a great idea!! I have been seeing one since February (first time in my life), and is really helping me. And, as another poster mentioned, wanting to break NC and actually breaking it are two different things. I wouldn't worry about it. You seem too smart to do that.

 

I have been through break-ups before, so I know I am capable of getting over them without help, but I am trying to be proactive about my healing. I know four months hasn't been that long. But, admittedly, it's been more painful than I imagined because he moved on sooner than expected. This will be my first time ever visiting a counselor and I have no idea what to expect. I don't really expect that all my problems will magically disappear once I see this woman, but I do hope that it will relieve some of the emotional burden currently solely on my shoulders. I don't really talk to family/friends about the break-up anymore because, really, there isn't anything new to say. (LS is the exception.)

 

Hmmm… Well, every RS is different, and as I have mentioned before, if your EI (emotional investment - hey, my very own acronym ) was high, then you will be hurting more. Doesn't matter what happened with past RS's. All that matters is this one.

 

Just be open to exploring yourself, as I have realized, a lot of the pain of a BU comes from issues within.

 

It makes me feel so defeated though... And I'm nervous... Is this a good idea...

 

Again, what is making you feel defeated? Was this a battle? Yes it is a great idea as long as you are open to it!! You'll be fine.

[nugget_718]

It would only be a defeat if you knowingly engaged in destructive behavior and then tried to justify it afterwards without taking any responsibility.

 

You are actually empowering yourself. You are admitting a weak area in your life and then taking steps to fix the problem. That is awesome! To have the degree of self realization that you can analyze your behavior objectively and see where you may need some outside assistance is a skill that many people try hard for years to acquire.

 

You really are doing better. Just think if this had come up a couple of months ago. You would have probably actually contacted your ex and set yourself back. Now, you recognize the signs and are trying to prevent bad things before they happen. You are taking full responsibility for your actions and guess who is not even figuring into the equation? That's right! Your ex. Your thoughts are focused on yourself, and that is exactly the progress you wanted to make when you first started posting on this site.

 

As far as I am concerned, you are doing great! Really great! Good job and good luck with your counseling session! :laugh:

 

I agree with BustedUp 100%.

 

People say that the load you carry gets lighter as you rehash your story to people and while that is true I think it's different when you talk to a counselor. At least in my experience it is. You and only you know yourself and what you're capable of and you are being proactive by booking a session with a counselor when you feel that your resolve to stay NC is weakening a bit. That is no sign of defeat KP. You are doing a fabulous job.