Staying NC but craving breadcrumbs?! [updated 3 yrs later]

[mtnbiker3000]

I am a little anxious about our birthdays coming up in a few weeks. I hope I won't be too emotional. Eek.

 

Yes to this whole thread. All of it. Exactly how I feel. And the B-day thing. Well, today is my ex's. Got to admit, today is one of the worst I've had in a while. Oh well... BTW - 102 days NC. I only remember so easily because it was St Paddy's the last time we spoke.

[KPChick000]

Yes to this whole thread. All of it. Exactly how I feel. And the B-day thing. Well, today is my ex's. Got to admit, today is one of the worst I've had in a while. Oh well... BTW - 102 days NC. I only remember so easily because it was St Paddy's the last time we spoke.

 

I'm sorry you had a rough day. I have no advice but to look on the bright side: the day is almost over and tomorrow is a brand new day. I know it is hard, especially on their birthday, but we have to remember it is just a regular day now. They're out living their life and we should be, too.

 

(I hope I can remember this come his bday. Kinda dreading it, along with mine.)

[mtnbiker3000]

the day is almost over and tomorrow is a brand new day. I know it is hard, especially on their birthday, but we have to remember it is just a regular day now.

 

Wish it was just that simple. I posted another 'vent' thread today on how I found out this morning I may have to contact her again about an insurance snaffu that is all my doing.

 

It's days like today that I wish I had more support here. Some good friends or family around to help me through. I'm just so bored and lonely and have nothing to look forward to. Weekdays are just work, home and maybe a bike ride or the gym, but still pretty boring. And weekends are just a constant reminder of how alone I am. Uuugggghhh. Just want to get past this...

 

Well, off to the bar again for a couple of beers and to chat with the bartenders for a bit

[Inviv_girl]

The three month NC mark is quickly approaching.

 

At this point, I still think about him and miss him. But I no longer have that yearning to be with him. Or to contact him. NC has become a part of my life (sad, ha). There are still weak moments here and there where I question NC but they pass. I recognize now that I miss the "old" him, but that "old" him no longer exists. He chose to end the relationship; he then chose to try things with someone else. And that's not who I want. Even if he comes back and begs (which I admit I fantasize about sometimes), he has forever changed the dynamic between us. And I don't think things could ever be the same. HE is no longer the same. Realizing this helps to push me forward.

 

The rose-colored glasses have come off, and I've finally realized that there were shortcomings in my ex and in our relationship that stopped me from "going all in" emotionally. Whether it was right of me to think those things doesn't really change the fact that I did think those things. Whether my feelings influenced his feelings doesn't really matter- the relationship cannot be salvaged. But unfortunately for me I had invested just enough where it hurt me to see the relationship end and to have him move on first. I had invested just enough where I played around with the idea that maybe he could be the one.

 

I've gone to three counseling sessions, not enough to reap the benefits yet, but it has been helpful to talk to someone who doesn't know me or him about my feelings and struggles. And what I'm struggling with (still) are the feelings of rejection, loneliness, and hopelessness. Dealing with the fact that he could move on and date so quickly after three years together; the fact that he hasn't reached out either in these nearly three months of NC; the fact that we are now basically estranged when we were each other's best friend and confidante. Even though logically I recognize that neither he nor the relationship/breakup define me, these things have taken a toll on how I feel about myself.

 

I do feel lonely at times, more frequently that I used to feel when single in the past, maybe because now I am older. I fear that I've run out of time to find "the one" who will love me, stick by me, and fight for me no matter what, which I know is untrue but the anxiety is there. I fear that maybe he was the one but I had convinced myself otherwise and sabotaged the relationship. Funny enough, I don't have any motivation to date.

 

I wonder if he is happier without me. I am realizing how much of my happiness relied on being with him and being in the relationship, and I'm trying hard to seek pure happiness again on my own. I'm finding it's not so easy. I hope I can find it again. I mean, I had it before him, and the one before him, so where are you?

 

I am also struggling with the loss of our mutual friends. We had a lot and I find myself unable to communicate with any of them anymore because most of them are closer to him (also because I live in a different city). I feel like I lost a custody battle to him.

I am feeling better than I was a month ago, thanks to NC. (Ah I don't want to jinx myself- sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the next setback...)

 

You really read my mind

 

The feeling is exactly the same with what's going on through my head. I, too lost a lot of friendship with our mutual friends and yes I am mad about it although it is for the best. I have to seek on new friends now and build up my life again without him. Just so glad that I'm not alone...at least somebody out there feeling my pain.

[Inviv_girl]

Wish it was just that simple. I posted another 'vent' thread today on how I found out this morning I may have to contact her again about an insurance snaffu that is all my doing.

 

It's days like today that I wish I had more support here. Some good friends or family around to help me through. I'm just so bored and lonely and have nothing to look forward to. Weekdays are just work, home and maybe a bike ride or the gym, but still pretty boring. And weekends are just a constant reminder of how alone I am. Uuugggghhh. Just want to get past this...

 

Well, off to the bar again for a couple of beers and to chat with the bartenders for a bit

 

mtnbiker, When I'm bored, I past my spare time playing online games. I never like online games before but now I'm "learning" to like it it's kinda fun:bunny:

[eddyctv]

I fear that I've run out of time to find "the one" who will love me, stick by me, and fight for me no matter what, which I know is untrue but the anxiety is there.

 

How old are you?

[LostGirl11]

Good for you! Sounds like you have taken the first steps to moving on in these early weeks of NC. Understand that bad days are inevitable but they do pass. I totally understand how sometimes it feels like it is the calm before the storm. When the storm comes, you have to be strong though and remain resolute with NC. I just tell myself, that I will likely feel worse after breaking it.

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing too okay, if that makes sense. I don't know, maybe I just reached breaking point. I really can't be bothered to worry about him anymore. Every day I had a new question I couldn't get an answer to and I'd want to sent that 'last text'. Not now. I've accepted the incompleteness and messyness of it all and I'm leaving it that way.

[aloneinaz]

KP,

 

I think the biggest indicator for you is he hasn't reached out in three months either. That's saying he's moved on and you need to as well. It sounds as though you're taking positive steps in getting therapy and recognizing you've survived other break ups and met new significant others. This will happen again for you. You'll know when your ready for a potential new love. Someday soon you'll lose track of how long its been and not care anymore.

 

Be glad you're not hearing from him as it would only muddy the waters and inhibit your healing. I haven't heard from my ex since she ended our toxic relationship and don't expect to in the future. She was the cause of 85% of our issues, knows this and what could she possibly say to me? She'll have her regrets if she hasn't already. Her loss.

[KPChick000]

You really read my mind

 

The feeling is exactly the same with what's going on through my head. I, too lost a lot of friendship with our mutual friends and yes I am mad about it although it is for the best. I have to seek on new friends now and build up my life again without him. Just so glad that I'm not alone...at least somebody out there feeling my pain.

 

You're definitely not alone! It is definitely hard when you need a clean cut but there are mutual friends involved. I guess they have to be the casualties as we try to heal.

[KPChick000]

How old are you?

 

29

 

When I was little, my vision was to be married with a baby by now.

[eddyctv]

29

 

When I was little, my vision was to be married with a baby by now.

 

 

OMG 29? Please, you are NOT too old to still find the ONE. I'm 42!!!

[aloneinaz]

29

 

When I was little, my vision was to be married with a baby by now.

 

You're still a baby. You have plenty of time to meet the right one. Use this as further motivation to not continue to waste further time grieving over a failed relationship and start slowly considering reengaging with the opposite sex.

 

For all you know, you're next relationship could be the one and you'd be engaged in 6 months!

[KPChick000]

Haha thanks guys for saying that but that's how I feel...

 

I know I still have time. I want to be able to not think about it, but when most of your friends and coworkers are coupled up, engaged, or married, it is hard not to acknowledge that you're single. And knowing me, I will probably be single for a while because I only want to be with someone who is worth it at this point plus I don't even have the confidence/motivation to date right now. I want to be ready but not force it. I hooked up with a guy a month ago and felt fake in a way. Sigh!

[mtnbiker3000]

I'm 41 and have seen many friends get married, have kids... and get divorced with lots of baggage. No need to RUSH into the WRONG situation. Instead, WAIT for the RIGHT one!!

 

I know, easier said than done, but seriously, I wouldn't worry too much. You're still plenty young.

[KPChick000]

Ok, ok, I'm not too old, but I don't feel young anymore! I do have anxiety turning 30 soon and being single. I had envisioned that I'd be settled down with someone by now. As silly as this sounds, I don't have the energy to start all over. I don't want to go through awkward first dates and I don't want to play any guessing games of "is this going anywhere? does he like me? do I like him?" I want to skip all the dating stuff and get to the point where someone knows me inside and out.

 

If only I could wave a magic wand and have my future husband drop by at my doorstep, that would be perfect.

 

I know things happen when you least expect it and are not looking. That's how I met my current ex. And we became great friends first. I want that to happen again. But I used to go out WAY more.

 

I am dreading my birthday, partially because of the above but also it will be the first birthday in 4 years that I don't spend with my ex. And it is a milestone birthday. I know I will be watching for a text or email from him. I am prepared to receive nothing. But I already know that I will be thinking about him that day, I am not even going to deny it. Maybe I should just get drunk that weekend?

[KPChick000]

Ok I can't believe it has been three years since I wrote my last post on my breakup!

 

 

I haven't thought about this forum in a long time but I am going through some dating struggles (which, to some extent, might give breakup struggles a run for its money!) and remembered how helpful receiving support was here! I wanted to return the favor and try to provide encouragement to those going through a breakup or struggling through NC now.

 

 

I, like many of you, went through a super hard breakup and begrudgingly started NC. I did everything: I questioned the breakup, I begged, I wrote a letter to my ex who moved on to someone else within 3 months, I stalked on social media, I went to counseling, I tried antidepressants (just for few weeks and decided they weren't for me), so let me just say I have been there and empathize.

 

 

IT WILL GET BETTER. Time does heal all wounds as cliché as it is. And sticking with NC will speed up the process. Do everything you can with the sole goal of MOVING ON, whether it is going through NC, seeing a counselor or trying dating again. Don't do NC thinking that the ex will miss you and come back (I admit I thought that at some point). Do NC because you want to move on once and for all. I surprisingly was able to stick with NC once I decided I would do it and never gave in to the urge to contact the ex (caveat was I did check social media from time to time after implementing NC and that probably prolonged my pain). He never contacted me either over these past 3 years, which at the time 3 years ago made me think "what a jerk" and "why does he not care?" and all these negative thoughts about myself and our past relationship, but looking back I know it was not a reflection on myself or our relationship. It really doesn't matter why he didn't contact me, and now I don't really care. So don't think about why the ex isn't contacting you because at some point down the line, it won't matter. Breadcrumbs are not worth it. At the end of the day, the reality is that the relationship is over and your ex is not the same person anymore.

 

 

I have no ill feelings towards my ex. When I think back now, I think of him only as a part of my history. I just have memories of what once was but they don't make me cry or yearn or miss him or any of that anymore. I can look back and think "oh we had some good times" but it is over, and I am okay with that. And you will be okay one day too.

[Breakingpoint1990]

I'm surprise that for that whole 3 years you didn't try to contact him. So glad that you went thru the hard time.

 

I'm in the middle of one month NC and honestly speaking i know I'm doing NC because i want him to miss me and come back, even to think its almost impossible now.

[Nadine123]

its been three months and I havent heard anything from him and Im glad to see that you did get through this. Great job

 

@breakingpoint 1990 I dont think that is a good idea at all because chances are he wont Instead of spending your time wanting him to miss you, spend this energy on focusing on moving on.

[guest569]

I, like many of you, went through a super hard breakup and begrudgingly started NC. I did everything: I questioned the breakup, I begged, I wrote a letter to my ex who moved on to someone else within 3 months, I stalked on social media, I went to counseling, I tried antidepressants (just for few weeks and decided they weren't for me), so let me just say I have been there and empathize.

 

Wow, that sounds like me. I ended the relationship but went through all those things. He moved on within 3 months, and almost 6 months later I am still at rock bottom, on anti depressants and going to counseling. Thanks for sharing your story. I have been through a tough breakup before and survived, but this one is far worse. I don't think I will ever get to the stage where I have no ill feelings towards him or completely forgive and will certainly never forget it. Maybe I will. Hopefully I can recover at least.

[marky00]

I'm 3 months NC.

 

 

For me there has been a lot of self-analysis. I do still wonder had I euthanized my crazy old dog sooner, things may have gone down differently. I chose to try and fight/fix for an already broken cause (my dog).

 

 

Having, said that, as time has gone on, I now realise even when I tried to communicate my problem to her early on, she did not care at all. So, I began to just sweep it under the carpet and act as if the problem wasn't there. That just lead to more stress and resentment.

 

 

In fact, when I was at my worst, it was me contacting her which kind of says it all.

 

 

I was self-centred with my problem, I admit to that. She, however is just purely selfish, it was all about her.

 

 

I think the NC is all about forgiving yourself for your part in things. If you can do that without the Ex involved, your 90% the way there.

[Chief1970]

KP-If you don't mind me asking...the first relationship your ex was in after dating you, any idea how long that lasted?

[KPChick000]

KP-If you don't mind me asking...the first relationship your ex was in after dating you, any idea how long that lasted?

 

I have no idea actually. And I can honestly say now I don't really care that much to find out. I had obsessed over their relationship in my head that first year after the breakup, just from the very few glimpses I could get from social media. I had made it so much worse for myself. For those who are currently going through a breakup where the ex has moved on, my advice is to cut off all communication with the ex, stay away from social media, and tell yourself every day "I will make it through this" and distract yourself with work, school, whatever.

[KPChick000]

Wow, that sounds like me. I ended the relationship but went through all those things. He moved on within 3 months, and almost 6 months later I am still at rock bottom, on anti depressants and going to counseling. Thanks for sharing your story. I have been through a tough breakup before and survived, but this one is far worse. I don't think I will ever get to the stage where I have no ill feelings towards him or completely forgive and will certainly never forget it. Maybe I will. Hopefully I can recover at least.

 

You will get through it just like I did . It might take some time, but the pain will eventually subside. And one day you will be like "what the heck was I so devastated about?" It will come. What I have learned is that every breakup is different and has a different timeline for recovery. Don't focus so much on how long it has been, or how long it took him to move on (I know it is hard)--just focus on your own recovery like continue going to counseling.

[guest569]

You will get through it just like I did . It might take some time, but the pain will eventually subside. And one day you will be like "what the heck was I so devastated about?" It will come. What I have learned is that every breakup is different and has a different timeline for recovery. Don't focus so much on how long it has been, or how long it took him to move on (I know it is hard)--just focus on your own recovery like continue going to counseling.

 

I felt a bit hurt that he has moved on so quickly. I think it's quick anyway. Considering what we went through. It's like he didn't even take any of it in, think about it, learn from it. Onto the next one. I feel sorry for her. Hopefully she is smarter than me.

 

I was still on social media with all his friends (deleted him straight away, and his female bestie who caused all our issues), but I deactivated a while back. I don't want to risk seeing his friends have tagged him and his new woman in a photo. I don't want to see it. I wonder who she is, I wonder if she was waiting in the wings.

 

Thanks for your support. I hope that day will come! I still miss my ex who I broke up with 3 years ago. I think I will get over this recent one before I get over the one from years ago!!

 

I tend to obsess over it and can't help it. I need to keep trying new psychologists. I think time will be the best thing though.