Staying NC but craving breadcrumbs?! [updated 3 yrs later]

[BustedUpInside]

thank you for the compliment. It is like the old saying, I always give better advice and don't follow any of it

Edited May 17, 2013 by BustedUpInside
wrong place

[aisuru]

You should be so proud of yourself. Six weeks is terrific!

 

I don't know your ex, but I am going to guess that he is probably a lot like my ex. Which means that despite all the mean stuff I have said about him, he is probably not the worst guy on the planet. Your ex isn't contacting you because, while he may not want to be in a relationship, he still cares about you. He knows that talking to you would make him feel better but only at the expense of your healing. He would get to alleviate his guilt, but he knows that you would feel terrible. He is probably willing to shoulder any guilt or suppress any conflicted feelings because he is trying to be a good guy. He probably feels like a jerk for hurting you and this is his way of trying to make up for it a little bit.

 

 

I feel like this is likely how my ex feels as well. We got along great to the point we probably should've beens friends and not forced a relationship so quickly. By his tone during our breakup, I don't believe it was easy for him to say we can't speak or see each other right now. We both have feelings that need to be addressed. Although he had a specific timeline he expected to contact me again. HA.

[StraylightRun24]

thank you for the compliment. It is like the old saying, I always give better advice and don't follow any of it

 

This actually made me laugh and brought a smile to my face because it's probably the truest statement ever stated on LS.

 

Thanks cause I've been having a pretty crummy few days!

 

Oh and KPchick is right....great advice/insight!

[s.a.i.n.t.]

Great post, my thoughts and feelings mirror yours. Im about to start NC.

[Leigh 87]

wow I also spoke to my ex for almost 3 years...

 

I would be totally devastated if he moved on THAT fast:confused::confused:

 

I find that callous to be honest.... He should have at least hid it from you, it is awful to think of a guy who once loved you so much, moving on that fast.

 

I would have not let my ex find out if I moved on within the first few months.....

 

I feel so bad for you!

 

I cannot believe I am living life without the man I was once so close to.

 

It just plain hurts, but time and NC will heal us!

 

Good luck with NC, I want to talk to my ex like crazy!

 

I guess the fact he is with someone new is more final? I mean, my ex is not with anyone new and wants me to hang out with him and give it another go one day, so to say know to my ex is very hard haha

 

What you have gone through is slightly worse to be honest, but is it more final, to know he has someone new? I would have thought it would be more..... concrete that he would not come back?

 

Wow though, it is pretty full on to deal with a guy leaving you and... moving on like that.

 

If you can get through this, then man, you have felt the worst pain out there in terms of heartbreak!

 

If you can get this this, which you WILL; you will be MUCH stronger.

[justletgo07]

I'm also hitting around 6 weeks NC. I've been NC since the day we broke up. I don't know anything about her life or if she's dating someone now, but I agree that it's really surreal. I've never been so good about NC before, and sometimes I get caught up in the idea that maybe it means that this breakup will be different, but then I just have to knock myself back down to earth and get regrounded in reality. I know exactly how you're feeling right now, and it's a tough spot to be in.

 

My girlfriend was and is a good person. It's hard, but she made the right decision for her and for us. I definitely don't want to be with someone who isn't crazy about me too! Just have to be thankful for the good, remember the bad, and use all of it to become the best versions of ourselves that we can possibly be!

 

Stay strong!

[KPChick000]

I find that callous to be honest.... He should have at least hid it from you, it is awful to think of a guy who once loved you so much, moving on that fast.

 

I respect that he was upfront with me and told me the truth about starting to see someone else. (At that point, we were still talking.) I would have felt betrayed if he had hid it from me instead and I found out some other way. Yes ignorance can be bliss, but in this case, I would rather know than not know. It does make the break-up feel more "final" and it pushed me to implement NC. Although it is one of the worst possible things an ex can tell you, it really puts you face to face with reality.

[KPChick000]

I've been NC since the day we broke up. I don't know anything about her life or if she's dating someone now, but I agree that it's really surreal. I've never been so good about NC before, and sometimes I get caught up in the idea that maybe it means that this breakup will be different, but then I just have to knock myself back down to earth and get regrounded in reality.

 

I wish I had been strong enough to start NC right after the break-up. But, I just couldn't quit cold turkey. It took me 2 months to finally do it. I've never been this good about NC before either, at least not within a few months of the BU. I agree that staying NC sometimes gives you the false sense of hope that the outcome will be different - that maybe, just maybe, being so disciplined will be rewarded with the relationship coming back to life or something. Reality check, please.

[KPChick000]

Next week will be two months NC. It feels like it's been forever and not that long at the same time. Weird.

 

I'm better than I was a few weeks ago, but as time drags on, I feel more and more antsy. Kinda in a rut. I feel stuck on a plateau, and there is no downhill to total recovery or indifference in sight (yet). Just living my daily life, maintaining NC, trying to move on. I know that time is the only remedy, but I am just getting so impatient.

 

I just want to stop thinking about him, the break-up, when I'll get over it as soon as possible (aka immediately). These thoughts are counter-productive, I realize, as they make me fixated on the topic, but my patience is starting to run out.

 

My last serious relationship, he and I went back and forth for two years after the break-up and then it took about a year of serious NC to recover, and even after then, thoughts of him occasionally crept in. It is depressing to think it may take that long again. Oddly enough, I feel not as resilient as I was when I was younger. Maybe because it seems like everyone is coupled up now but I am back to square one. Sigh.

 

I feel trapped and want to get out. It seems I have just 3 options:

1. Allow time to do its work

2. Start dating to speed up the process

3. Break NC

 

...none of which is appealing at the moment.

 

I'm so tired. I just want to be normal again. I don't want to wonder about what he might be doing this weekend, I don't want to feel anxious, I don't want to have to block mutual friends on fb out of fear or self-protection, I don't want to be clouded by memories, I don't want to feel forgotten...why does it have to be all or nothing?

 

End rant.

[youngnlove89]

As for as anxiety goes, maybe you can get medication for that? I'm on Xanax and it helps control that. I was on too high of a dose and it made me pass out for over 12 hours a time. I wouldn't recommend that.

 

It's only been 3 weeks for me, but 2 months sounds like a long time! Good for you for staying strong. He hasn't tried to contact you at all? If not, good for you too. Having to ignore is very hard. Takes will power.

 

Time is the only option you have. Don't wonder how long it will take because that can be dreadful. Just take it one day at a time. Get through today. Don't worry about tomorrow.

 

Also, don't date till you are absolutely indifferent. Trust me. It will make things worse. Focus on you. Take yourself out on a date instead

[Kristopher1]

I know how you feel...

 

If it's possible, as the days go on, I feel more hatred towards my ex. I feel like I've been betrayed. I've been dumped, ignored and so on, when all I ever did was give her my everything. I'm starting to regret all the time, money I've invested in her, as well as falling in love with someone who can end a relationship with the snap of her fingers as if it's nothing.

 

I wonder where people like me go wrong in relationships? For me, I've always felt the need to be there for my woman, make her happy, make her realize she's wanted and loved, special etc..I guess not all woman want this from a man after all, but hell, that's my personality and that's how I feel when I'm with someone so, I won't change who I am.

[mtnbiker3000]

Ha!! I posted a very similar post earlier this week or last week. I feel exactly the same as you. And we're about at the same place. I think I am at like 68 or 69 days NC. I also feel like I am stuck and just want to 'let go' already. I do know that breaking NC will do nothing positive and plenty of negative, so that's out of the question. I'd say stick with #1. That's what I'm doing, but will admit some days are good and some not. It's a real roller coaster

[mtnbiker3000]

I know how you feel...

 

If it's possible, as the days go on, I feel more hatred towards my ex. I feel like I've been betrayed. I've been dumped, ignored and so on, when all I ever did was give her my everything. I'm starting to regret all the time, money I've invested in her, as well as falling in love with someone who can end a relationship with the snap of her fingers as if it's nothing.

 

I wonder where people like me go wrong in relationships? For me, I've always felt the need to be there for my woman, make her happy, make her realize she's wanted and loved, special etc..I guess not all woman want this from a man after all, but hell, that's my personality and that's how I feel when I'm with someone so, I won't change who I am.

 

I've been here too. But it's not worth it. Don't beat yourself up. Don't wallow in over-analyzing. Just realize you two were not right for each other and she just realized and excepted it before you did. That's all... Anger will not let you move on. As hard as it seems, you must find forgiveness. Don't ask me how, cuz I am not sure, but I am sure it's necessary for leaving this baggage behind for good...

[br0wn_eyed_girl]

I've been there also, still am, actually. Might be worse off, actually haha.

When I'm having an exceptionally bad day, I just say to myself, "you did everything you could, you made your feelings known to him, he knows where you stand. If he's actively choosing to NOT be with you, clearly he's not on the same page. He's doing you a favor in the long run. If he loves you, he'll return before it's too late."

 

It's still hard, but I guess we just have to believe that ultimately when it comes to love it IS "all or nothing." And this is based on what you perceive love to entail, how much you're willing to tolerate.

 

I'm at 5 months post BU, so don't feel bad. I think I'm MUCH worse off than you are

[Kristopher1]

If your loved one does come back, will it be that easy to reconcile with them?

 

If it's meant to be, they will come back, but I keep thinking I'm too angry and disappointed, can I ever forgive her?

 

Well, I guess I'm getting too ahead of myself at the moment, I'm having one of those moments where I'm thinking of her quite a lot, when I know I shouldn't but what can I say? I'm only human

[KPChick000]

It's only been 3 weeks for me, but 2 months sounds like a long time! Good for you for staying strong. He hasn't tried to contact you at all? If not, good for you too. Having to ignore is very hard. Takes will power.

 

Time is the only option you have. Don't wonder how long it will take because that can be dreadful. Just take it one day at a time. Get through today. Don't worry about tomorrow.

 

Nope, he hasn't tried to contact me. When I initiated NC, I blocked him on gchat, so from that I think he knew I wanted no contact. I guess it's a good thing because I don't have to worry about "breadcrumbs", but not hearing a peep from him is also hard. Like he's gone forever.

 

I realize that time is my only option. I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is there. I just want to teleport there ASAP.

[KPChick000]

I know how you feel...

 

If it's possible, as the days go on, I feel more hatred towards my ex. I feel like I've been betrayed. I've been dumped, ignored and so on, when all I ever did was give her my everything.

 

Yeah, sometimes I try to "hate" my ex too, but those feelings are short-lived. It works temporarily, but in the long run I don't want to be bitter or hold a grudge against him. It takes two to make a relationship work, and I won't blame it all on him. You know?

[youngnlove89]

Nope, he hasn't tried to contact me. When I initiated NC, I blocked him on gchat, so from that I think he knew I wanted no contact. I guess it's a good thing because I don't have to worry about "breadcrumbs", but not hearing a peep from him is also hard. Like he's gone forever.

 

I realize that time is my only option. I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is there. I just want to teleport there ASAP.

 

Oh the good ole Gchat. I haven't blocked my ex yet so I can see when he is online or idle or offline. It makes me obsessed sometimes :/

 

I wish I could fully block my ex. But I just am not ready yet. I'm not ready for this feeling:

 

"...Like he's gone forever."

 

I'm still in denial.

[KPChick000]

Ha!! I posted a very similar post earlier this week or last week. I feel exactly the same as you. And we're about at the same place. I think I am at like 68 or 69 days NC. I also feel like I am stuck and just want to 'let go' already. I do know that breaking NC will do nothing positive and plenty of negative, so that's out of the question. I'd say stick with #1. That's what I'm doing, but will admit some days are good and some not. It's a real roller coaster

 

Yeah, breaking NC is the least appealing option. I've done NC before, so I know how effective it is if I stick to it. I agree- I am just at the point where I want to let go already. I don't even have the energy to talk about it to my family/friends anymore (LS is the exception haha- it's like a journal). I just want to fast forward through all of this.

[KPChick000]

I've been there also, still am, actually. Might be worse off, actually haha.

When I'm having an exceptionally bad day, I just say to myself, "you did everything you could, you made your feelings known to him, he knows where you stand. If he's actively choosing to NOT be with you, clearly he's not on the same page. He's doing you a favor in the long run. If he loves you, he'll return before it's too late."

 

I do try to slap myself with the reality. It just seems so surreal sometimes. I guess sometimes I am in denial...even though deep down I know the truth.

 

And I'm at four months since the break-up (two months NC), so not far behind you...

[KPChick000]

Oh the good ole Gchat. I haven't blocked my ex yet so I can see when he is online or idle or offline. It makes me obsessed sometimes :/

 

I wish I could fully block my ex. But I just am not ready yet. I'm not ready for this feeling:

 

"...Like he's gone forever."

 

I'm still in denial.

 

I completely understand where you're coming from. Seeing his name there probably gives you some type of comfort, or maybe even hope that he will reach out, and it is hard to let go of that. Do it when you're ready. But, I think it will be good for you once you remove all remnants of him.

[youngnlove89]

It stalls your healing process, hon. Think of it this way - every day you spend in denial is one less day spent with the RIGHT person. :-)

 

I know. But there is some reason I just can't. Like I will, and then I will undo it. It is soo hard.

[BustedUpInside]

Next week will be two months NC. It feels like it's been forever and not that long at the same time. Weird.

 

I'm better than I was a few weeks ago, but as time drags on, I feel more and more antsy. Kinda in a rut. I feel stuck on a plateau, and there is no downhill to total recovery or indifference in sight (yet). Just living my daily life, maintaining NC, trying to move on. I know that time is the only remedy, but I am just getting so impatient.

 

I just want to stop thinking about him, the break-up, when I'll get over it as soon as possible (aka immediately). These thoughts are counter-productive, I realize, as they make me fixated on the topic, but my patience is starting to run out.

 

My last serious relationship, he and I went back and forth for two years after the break-up and then it took about a year of serious NC to recover, and even after then, thoughts of him occasionally crept in. It is depressing to think it may take that long again. Oddly enough, I feel not as resilient as I was when I was younger. Maybe because it seems like everyone is coupled up now but I am back to square one. Sigh.

 

I feel trapped and want to get out. It seems I have just 3 options:

1. Allow time to do its work

2. Start dating to speed up the process

3. Break NC

 

...none of which is appealing at the moment.

 

I'm so tired. I just want to be normal again. I don't want to wonder about what he might be doing this weekend, I don't want to feel anxious, I don't want to have to block mutual friends on fb out of fear or self-protection, I don't want to be clouded by memories, I don't want to feel forgotten...why does it have to be all or nothing?

 

End rant.

 

I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I just wake up and am already dreading the day because why oh why can't I just stop thinking about my ex. Some days are even worse than that. Every time my phone beeps or I get an email, a small part of me will wonder if it is him sending me a message saying he is sorry or that he misses me. However, the bad days are starting to be fewer and farther between. There are still some depressing days, but occasionally I see a brighter side. I am starting to plan for the future again and be excited about things. I have actually proactively made some plans with friends and have tried to get out of the house more.

I moved out of my ex's house in late January and we had been LC since then and NC for about two weeks now. It took me a long time to get over my last break up too, but I think this time will be different. I am too old to spend more time pining for a guy that doesn't want me. I feel like you are in the same boat. You take as much time as you need, but I have a funny feeling the one of these days soon you are going to just wake up and feel better. Not all the way better but so much better that it will be noticeable and only get better from there. Crossing my fingers for you!!

[KPChick000]

I know exactly how you are feeling right now. I just wake up and am already dreading the day because why oh why can't I just stop thinking about my ex. Some days are even worse than that. Every time my phone beeps or I get an email, a small part of me will wonder if it is him sending me a message saying he is sorry or that he misses me. However, the bad days are starting to be fewer and farther between. There are still some depressing days, but occasionally I see a brighter side. I am starting to plan for the future again and be excited about things. I have actually proactively made some plans with friends and have tried to get out of the house more.

I moved out of my ex's house in late January and we had been LC since then and NC for about two weeks now. It took me a long time to get over my last break up too, but I think this time will be different. I am too old to spend more time pining for a guy that doesn't want me. I feel like you are in the same boat. You take as much time as you need, but I have a funny feeling the one of these days soon you are going to just wake up and feel better. Not all the way better but so much better that it will be noticeable and only get better from there. Crossing my fingers for you!!

 

Good for you that you are making plans and getting excited about things! I've been trying to do that myself. Even when I don't feel like going out, I force myself to. It's never as bad as I think it'd be (I always envision that I'd be moping in a corner or something crazy ). But I usually end up enjoying myself.

 

I really do hope you're right- that one day I'll wake up and realize that I'm better. To not care if he contacts me or not (still struggling with that). I hope we both get there soon!

[KPChick000]

NC for almost two months. I posted yesterday that I am starting to feel trapped and just want to let go already. I did not do myself any favors by doing what I did today.

 

I did not contact him. But, I did the next worst thing. I looked online and saw something I did not want to see. I saw a picture of my ex and the girl he is seeing (whom he started seeing about two months after our break-up) at a wedding today. Why did I do this? I don't know. I must be a masochist or a glutton for punishment.

 

No, I do know why. I was searching for any clues that would indicate that they were no longer seeing each other. Why can't this hope inside of me die already? I am sad that it wasn't what I had hoped to see. I half-expected to stumble upon something I did not want to see, but seeing the picture of them together still took the wind out of me. I haven't cried (I bet it's coming though), but I am sitting here wondering how we came to this and why things turned out the way they did. AGAIN.

 

He had told me a couple months ago that he wouldn't take the girl to the weddings, and he was so reassuring. I know he is entitled to change his mind and do whatever he wants, which is why I am not really angry, but I am very sad.

 

I know I did this to myself. I don't need anyone to tell me. I know I should stop holding on and really strive to let go. Giving and reading advice is so much easier than putting it into action for myself. I am having a really tough time. Truth be told, even though I didn't fight the break-up, I wasn't ready to let go of the relationship. I realize there were issues in the relationship: I was emotionally guarded and stunted; I couldn't verbally express how I loved him (and he, too); I couldn't or didn't see myself with him forever (yet). BUT I didn't NOT want it. I wasn't prepared to have him move on so quickly (is anyone ever?). I feel that some of the issues stemmed from the baggage I had from my last relationship, my insecurity, and my inability to commit, which is why I have so many regrets. It's hard for me to let go because I have regrets. I wish I could've done things differently. I wish I could've told him how much I loved him, not just shown him. I wish I could've put in my all in the relationship and abandoned all my fears, insecurities, and doubts. I wish all of this could still matter.

 

It is truly hurtful that my chance to make things ok is gone. The ship has sailed. Forever. The girl he is seeing probably doesn't have issues expressing herself or committing, and they will live happily ever after. Maybe she can see herself being with him forever- why couldn't I have? What was wrong with me? I so wish I could have. I am jealous she gets to spend days and nights with him. I am jealous that she accompanied him to the wedding. I am sad that I am now an outsider (if that) in his life.

 

I have been struggling with the fact that he hasn't contacted me even though I initiated NC and blocked him. Now this puts everything into question again. He probably doesn't even want to contact me because he is seeing someone. I am now a distant memory. Maybe all our mutual friends like her more and think a better match for him. Why does all of this even matter?! SO FRUSTRATING.

 

It seems so surreal that there is a new person next to him when I can still feel and remember that last kiss we had two months ago when we said goodbye. I know each relationship is a lesson to be learned- I can't help but feel that the past three years was in vain.

 

My friend always tries to remind me: just because you're sad doesn't mean the relationship was meant to be. And just because the relationship wasn't meant to be doesn't mean you can't be sad. I have a hard time grasping this concept for some reason. The consuming sadness makes me think I want him back. It makes me want to reach out to him and ask for another chance. But, I won't, because I know it won't make a difference and I am too prideful for now to let him know how much I am hurting. But how do I stop my heart from hurting when he seems to be the only remedy? I know I have to do it myself. But I just can't right now. Today, I will suffer the consequences of my actions.