Staying NC but craving breadcrumbs?! [updated 3 yrs later]

[KPChick000]

Thanks guys

 

I know going to counseling is a pretty normal occurrence. But, I've never been, and it does make feel a little defeated or weak, like I am not strong enough to handle my own problem or emotions (Btw, definitely not judging anyone! Just how I feel about myself).

 

The breakup has impacted me in a way that I never expected. I wasn't even sure I was ready or wanted to marry this man yet I'm still devastated, and I just need help figuring out why. And why I haven't been able to get over it yet, even after I have finally come to terms that the relationship is done. And how to cope with these regrets and jealousy that fill my thoughts.

 

The defeatist feeling comes from knowing that my ex, who had pursued me, moved on (seemingly) effortlessly whereas I haven't and am requesting outside help. The decision to go to counseling is accepting within myself that it is truly over and that I need to do everything I can to move on. And that is partly what is so scary.

[mtnbiker3000]

Thanks guys

 

I know going to counseling is a pretty normal occurrence. But, I've never been, and it does make feel a little defeated or weak, like I am not strong enough to handle my own problem or emotions (Btw, definitely not judging anyone! Just how I feel about myself).

 

The breakup has impacted me in a way that I never expected. I wasn't even sure I was ready or wanted to marry this man yet I'm still devastated, and I just need help figuring out why. And why I haven't been able to get over it yet, even after I have finally come to terms that the relationship is done. And how to cope with these regrets and jealousy that fill my thoughts.

 

The defeatist feeling comes from knowing that my ex, who had pursued me, moved on (seemingly) effortlessly whereas I haven't and am requesting outside help. The decision to go to counseling is accepting within myself that it is truly over and that I need to do everything I can to move on. And that is partly what is so scary.

 

Very common feeling about going to a counselor. What you are describing is exactly what these people are trained to help you with.

 

Please... Don't have any negative stigma about this. I would think you were weaker if you knew you needed this, but wouldn't go because you felt weak about it instead. It is what you need to do to help yourself. Forget about him. Besides you have absolutely no idea (since you're NC, right) about what he is doing, what he is thinking or how he is feeling. Stop fabricating!!

 

I feel all of this too. And my counselor has been instrumental in helping me deal with it. I think you will benefit as well.

 

Remember, it's actually a sign of strength, not weakness!!!

[OzHeartache]

Very common feeling about going to a counselor. What you are describing is exactly what these people are trained to help you with.

 

Please... Don't have any negative stigma about this. I would think you were weaker if you knew you needed this, but wouldn't go because you felt weak about it instead. It is what you need to do to help yourself. Forget about him. Besides you have absolutely no idea (since you're NC, right) about what he is doing, what he is thinking or how he is feeling. Stop fabricating!!

 

I feel all of this too. And my counselor has been instrumental in helping me deal with it. I think you will benefit as well.

 

Remember, it's actually a sign of strength, not weakness!!!

 

True KP, ^^^^

 

I'm seeing one and although I'm still having tough days, they help you see things in a different light, Nothing to feel bad about, go. you wont regret it!

[mtnbiker3000]

True KP, ^^^^

 

I'm seeing one and although I'm still having tough days, they help you see things in a different light, Nothing to feel bad about, go. you wont regret it!

 

Yes, KP as you mentioned, it will not be an immediate fix of all your problems, but more of a process. And, as I mentioned, be open to introspection. That is where most issues are rooted...

[KPChick000]

Thanks all for the vote of confidence.

 

Those who are going/have gone to counseling, did you test out different counselors before choosing one with whom you felt comfortable? Do/did you go regularly or on an as needed basis?

[mtnbiker3000]

Thanks all for the vote of confidence.

 

Those who are going/have gone to counseling, did you test out different counselors before choosing one with whom you felt comfortable? Do/did you go regularly or on an as needed basis?

 

I got very lucky and found one (a woman, picked on purpose) who I was able to connect with and feel very comfortable with. You must feel comfortable, because you are going to have get into some heavy emotional stuff eventually. Like Metal said, I started talking all about my RS and BU, but have since shifted into more of my own personal issues. They are all tied together!! The more you open up, the more you will benefit. If you are guarded and closed, they will not be able to help. One thing I had to get used to was crying like a little b$tch in front of her. I tried so hard not to, but finally had no choice... And it flowed like the mighty missip. But then, I was able to really get to some substantial matters...

 

I go about once every 10 days. But, yes, you will have to get a feel what works for you...

[KPChick000]

Yeah I don't wear eyeliner or mascara on Therapy Day...

 

Will definitely remember not to wear any eye makeup!

[KPChick000]

I got very lucky and found one (a woman, picked on purpose) who I was able to connect with and feel very comfortable with.

 

I could guess but just curious, why a woman? More comfortable talking about or showing emotion to a woman?

[mtnbiker3000]

I could guess but just curious, why a woman? More comfortable talking about or showing emotion to a woman?

 

Yes... And women are more naturally nurturing...

[crazy1234]

So... Four months since break-up of relationship of over three years, two months of no contact with the ex-bf.

 

It's been a roller-coaster ride. Some days I'm "normal"/ok, other days not so much. I hate to admit defeat or that I'm weak, but the urge to break NC has grown the past couple days. I KNOW that it's a bad idea; and while I am pretty confident that my head/fear/pride will continue to prevail over these urges, I am becoming worried that the urge seems always there and may intensify, especially with mine and his birthdays coming up. So, instead of breaking NC, I have made an appointment this weekend with a counselor to hopefully help me deal with the anxiety, emotions, etc.

 

I have been through break-ups before, so I know I am capable of getting over them without help, but I am trying to be proactive about my healing. I know four months hasn't been that long. But, admittedly, it's been more painful than I imagined because he moved on sooner than expected. This will be my first time ever visiting a counselor and I have no idea what to expect. I don't really expect that all my problems will magically disappear once I see this woman, but I do hope that it will relieve some of the emotional burden currently solely on my shoulders. I don't really talk to family/friends about the break-up anymore because, really, there isn't anything new to say. (LS is the exception.)

 

It makes me feel so defeated though... And I'm nervous... Is this a good idea...

You will feel worse if your break this NC.Dont let you'r emotions get the best of you and that too for a person least deserved.Ofcourse seeing the counselor is a brilliant idea.It surely will bring you help but for that to happen you have to feel positive about it.Its all in your head.You will find help if u WANT to find help.So keep training your brain to want this and help you.Soon u will adapt to these emotions and see the good in the goodbye.

[NanjingLove]

I advice that you should contact with your ex-boyfriend firstly. You can send a message or an e-mail to him. If he replies you, you can forgive him.But if you really don't love him, just forget him and find a new guy. So you can transfer your emotions to other guy.

I also advice you to talk with your friends a lot. You can find that we can do a lot of things except love.

[mtnbiker3000]

I advice that you should contact with your ex-boyfriend firstly. You can send a message or an e-mail to him. If he replies you, you can forgive him.But if you really don't love him, just forget him and find a new guy. So you can transfer your emotions to other guy.

I also advice you to talk with your friends a lot. You can find that we can do a lot of things except love.

 

Holy smokes. Do I even need to say it? This is TERRIBLE advice. Through and through. Transfer your emotions? NO!! Contact ex? NO!! WTF?!?!?!?

[KPChick000]

I've come too far (relatively speaking) to break NC. As hard as it is to admit, nothing has changed and nothing will change the reality. And I have to face it head on without him.

 

Doesn't mean it's a piece of cake...unfortunately...

[mtnbiker3000]

I've come too far (relatively speaking) to break NC. As hard as it is to admit, nothing has changed and nothing will change the reality. And I have to face it head on without him.

 

Doesn't mean it's a piece of cake...unfortunately...

 

I heard that. I am currently at 83 days NC. Why is it so easy to remember the date? It started on St. Paddy's day And I am constantly up and down. I *think* I am getting close to a turning point. But, really, it's very hard to tell... As you mentioned, I just have to keep pushing through. No other option...

[KPChick000]

The three month NC mark is quickly approaching.

 

At this point, I still think about him and miss him. But I no longer have that yearning to be with him. Or to contact him. NC has become a part of my life (sad, ha). There are still weak moments here and there where I question NC but they pass. I recognize now that I miss the "old" him, but that "old" him no longer exists. He chose to end the relationship; he then chose to try things with someone else. And that's not who I want. Even if he comes back and begs (which I admit I fantasize about sometimes), he has forever changed the dynamic between us. And I don't think things could ever be the same. HE is no longer the same. Realizing this helps to push me forward.

 

The rose-colored glasses have come off, and I've finally realized that there were shortcomings in my ex and in our relationship that stopped me from "going all in" emotionally. Whether it was right of me to think those things doesn't really change the fact that I did think those things. Whether my feelings influenced his feelings doesn't really matter- the relationship cannot be salvaged. But unfortunately for me I had invested just enough where it hurt me to see the relationship end and to have him move on first. I had invested just enough where I played around with the idea that maybe he could be the one.

 

I've gone to three counseling sessions, not enough to reap the benefits yet, but it has been helpful to talk to someone who doesn't know me or him about my feelings and struggles. And what I'm struggling with (still) are the feelings of rejection, loneliness, and hopelessness. Dealing with the fact that he could move on and date so quickly after three years together; the fact that he hasn't reached out either in these nearly three months of NC; the fact that we are now basically estranged when we were each other's best friend and confidante. Even though logically I recognize that neither he nor the relationship/breakup define me, these things have taken a toll on how I feel about myself.

 

I do feel lonely at times, more frequently that I used to feel when single in the past, maybe because now I am older. I fear that I've run out of time to find "the one" who will love me, stick by me, and fight for me no matter what, which I know is untrue but the anxiety is there. I fear that maybe he was the one but I had convinced myself otherwise and sabotaged the relationship. Funny enough, I don't have any motivation to date.

 

I wonder if he is happier without me. I am realizing how much of my happiness relied on being with him and being in the relationship, and I'm trying hard to seek pure happiness again on my own. I'm finding it's not so easy. I hope I can find it again. I mean, I had it before him, and the one before him, so where are you?

 

I am also struggling with the loss of our mutual friends. We had a lot and I find myself unable to communicate with any of them anymore because most of them are closer to him (also because I live in a different city). I feel like I lost a custody battle to him.

 

I am feeling better than I was a month ago, thanks to NC. (Ah I don't want to jinx myself- sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for the next setback...)

[BustedUpInside]

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Reading your posts always makes me feel better because I write (hopefully) helpful advice and then realize that I should be doing it myself too.

 

I am so glad you decided to talk to a counselor. I know that you struggled with it for awhile, but I bet it has really helped clarify things for you.

 

I just can't say enough how far you have come and how great your words sound. You just seem better and that makes me feel like I must be better too because I really could've written this post :lmao:

[StrongLass]

First off congratulations! I'm almost at 2 months of NC myself & I'm finding myself identifying with a lot of what you're saying.

 

I recommend looking for some new hobbies, maybe trying out a thing or two you haven't done before to help with finding happiness on your own. Also start finding some new friends that have no connection to him in your city since he's the one with who got the "kids"

 

As for "waiting for the next setback" yeah I feel ya there that means you're still somewhat emotionally vulnerable. Be careful and keep doing your own thing!

Edited June 26, 2013 by StrongLass

[KPChick000]

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Reading your posts always makes me feel better because I write (hopefully) helpful advice and then realize that I should be doing it myself too.

 

I am so glad you decided to talk to a counselor. I know that you struggled with it for awhile, but I bet it has really helped clarify things for you.

 

I just can't say enough how far you have come and how great your words sound. You just seem better and that makes me feel like I must be better too because I really could've written this post :lmao:

 

 

We are kindred spirits! I hope you are feeling better too!

 

I can't tell if counseling is helping yet, but it does feel nice to let it all out to someone whose job is to listen. It is really the only time I can tear up about the breakup anymore. What I've learned from my sessions is that I tend to play devil's advocate with myself. Or simply my thoughts go in circles and I am unable to stick to one conclusion on my feelings about my ex and the relationship. I find that as my counselor is expressing her view on an issue, I am formulating a counter-response in my head, which is funny because her viewpoint is solely based on what I've told her and nothing else. I am hoping she will be able to help me reel in these circular thoughts.

 

Thanks for saying that I've come so far! It is nice to hear because at times I feel like I'm in a rut. I am proud that I've made it this far without contacting him, but it also makes me sad that three months have passed. That's a quarter of a year. It seems like a long time and really hits home the point that the relationship is in the past. It still feels surreal sometimes that he and I are living our lives separately. Wonder when this will feel normal?

[KPChick000]

First off congratulations! I'm almost at 2 months of NC myself & I'm finding myself identifying with a lot of what you're saying.

 

I recommend looking for some new hobbies, maybe trying out a thing or two you haven't done before to help with finding happiness on your own. Also start finding some new friends that have no connection to him in your city since he's the one with who got the "kids"

 

As for "waiting for the next setback" yeah I feel ya there that means you're still somewhat emotionally vulnerable. Be careful and keep doing your own thing!

 

Congrats to you! Getting to two months is a milestone!

 

I am sad that he got the "kids". It's summertime and I just remember all of us hanging out in groups last summer, at pool parties, bbqs, etc. I miss it! I don't have as many friends to hang out with in my city. I need more! It just seems like everyone my age is coupled up.

 

I am definitely still emotionally vulnerable. My and his birthdays are coming up. I expect a cry and a post on LS.

[BustedUpInside]

I am proud that I've made it this far without contacting him, but it also makes me sad that three months have passed. That's a quarter of a year. It seems like a long time and really hits home the point that the relationship is in the past. It still feels surreal sometimes that he and I are living our lives separately. Wonder when this will feel normal?

 

I know what you mean. I will hang out with people I haven't seen in awhile and they will ask how my ex is doing. I am still having to tell people that we broke up. Or they will ask how long I have been living back here and I say that it has been almost five months and that we have been broken up for close to 6 months. That is half of a year! That is 10% of the total time we were together before the break up!

 

That makes me sad. To know that six months has passed by and we haven't spoken for at least 6 weeks at this point and it was very limited before that.

 

Circular thinking, like you said. Where I just go back and forth and no matter what I decide, I try to play it both ways.

 

I think we are miles better though. Regardless of the last lingering doubts, I feel like we have really turned corners in our healing processes. I mean, just the decline in sad posting on here is evidence that we are starting to move on.

[omit]

3 Months, I stop crucifying my self for not fighting to keep it going. Don't go over what I said or didn't say as much. 3 Months NC and I realise I really F*cked it up and I accept that.

 

NC for 3 months not even small attempts nothing and I realise She's not coming back and that doesn't scare me so much any more.

[Still Searching]

3 Months NC and I realise I really F*cked it up and I accept that.

 

It takes two. Don't place all of the blame or burden on your own shoulders. There will always be things we wish we would or wouldn't have done or said, when we look back, but there's no changing the past.

 

My ex just left me for the third time in 6 months. I'm over trying to figure out what went wrong. The fact that she can leave so easily, more than once, is a sign enough that it'll never work. Like I said, I could have done things differently, but the same can be said for her.

[LostGirl11]

I know exactly what you mean when you say you're not able to stick to one conclusion about your ex and the break up. I was the same, I didn't know if I missed him or hated him! I was giving myself brain ache! I'm on antidepressants now which have helped loads with the cluttered thoughts. I still don't know how I feel but I no longer obsess or worry about it. I simply can't be arsed to. Nothing will change. Ever. Things a far too tarnished. I didn't like the real him. Ohhhh, he was wonderful for the first couple of months and our first few dates were mind blowing but that was obviously just a show.

 

2 weeks NC. Feeling like this could be the calm before the storm, but I could be wrong.

[KPChick000]

I know what you mean. I will hang out with people I haven't seen in awhile and they will ask how my ex is doing. I am still having to tell people that we broke up. Or they will ask how long I have been living back here and I say that it has been almost five months and that we have been broken up for close to 6 months. That is half of a year! That is 10% of the total time we were together before the break up!

 

That makes me sad. To know that six months has passed by and we haven't spoken for at least 6 weeks at this point and it was very limited before that.

 

Circular thinking, like you said. Where I just go back and forth and no matter what I decide, I try to play it both ways.

 

I think we are miles better though. Regardless of the last lingering doubts, I feel like we have really turned corners in our healing processes. I mean, just the decline in sad posting on here is evidence that we are starting to move on.

 

Totally get what you mean. I hate that I know the number of weeks/months that have gone by since we last talked. It is such a bittersweet feeling- on one hand it is an indication of how strong I've been with NC but then it also hits me that he hasn't contacted me in that long too. I wish I could just let it all go.

 

I do feel that we are getting better...just going through all the stages of the grieving process. I still have sad moments but I am living my life without him. And I have gotten used to it even though, as I say, it still feels surreal sometimes. And I bet you're doing the same. We just have to keep pushing ahead.

 

I am a little anxious about our birthdays coming up in a few weeks. I hope I won't be too emotional. Eek.

[KPChick000]

I know exactly what you mean when you say you're not able to stick to one conclusion about your ex and the break up. I was the same, I didn't know if I missed him or hated him! I was giving myself brain ache! I'm on antidepressants now which have helped loads with the cluttered thoughts. I still don't know how I feel but I no longer obsess or worry about it. I simply can't be arsed to. Nothing will change. Ever. Things a far too tarnished. I didn't like the real him. Ohhhh, he was wonderful for the first couple of months and our first few dates were mind blowing but that was obviously just a show.

 

2 weeks NC. Feeling like this could be the calm before the storm, but I could be wrong.

 

Good for you! Sounds like you have taken the first steps to moving on in these early weeks of NC. Understand that bad days are inevitable but they do pass. I totally understand how sometimes it feels like it is the calm before the storm. When the storm comes, you have to be strong though and remain resolute with NC. I just tell myself, that I will likely feel worse after breaking it.