Feeling Pissed

[spice4life]

I wouldn't be so angered if the relationship had just ended. It was all of the promises HE made. About wanting to marry me. About wanting to have a baby with me...I kid you not when I tell you the man wanted me to go see some fertility specialist in NYC about egg banking. Just crazy promises and plans for the future. I got sucked in BIG TIME. Now it is shocking to be done...or at least I feel it is done. No, in a "normal" relationship I wouldn't have the amount of resentment, just sadness This was anything but normal.

 

I understand and you're right, it was not a normal situation. You're anger is 100% justified. When someone treats you like this it is really hard to think that they weren't genuine and were leading you on to keep you hooked. From what you posted above it almost sounds like he over indulged in "future faking"...like each subsequent promise he made had to trump the previous one because the role of OW wasn't sitting well with you. Does this guy have a history of exaggerating at all?

 

Believe me, I understand your shock and anger. At least you're honest about your motivation for telling his wife. It's good that you are trying to process it here before deciding what to do. I think if someone is going to tell it should come from a place of true remorse, but that's just me. Most BS's will say that it doesn't matter what the motives are (except a few like Athens) they just want to be told. Personally, I never had the desire to tell - even when I was angry - and won't ever.

Edited May 5, 2013 by spice4life

[Feb]

Goodbye,i received similar load of crap lines in my A as well. "I want you to have my baby". I mean his kids were in college, and mine are middle-school high school. He's in his early 50's and I'm in my early 40's. So even though I was way deep in affair fog, I knew this was a line and the fact he would say this was outrageous. I think this is a man's way of showing their commitment and passion for us.

[latergater]

No no no! Do not do this! You will regret it.

 

Listen, A's are all the same but they are different too. I don't see yours as the type where he was just using you. You guys have known each other for a long time, right? I think you said that you used to date a very long time ago.

 

Do you consider him a friend? With my A- he was my friend first and he will always be my friend...despite everything. Do you know how betrayed he'll be thinking that you would ruin his life because he didn't choose you? For men, its not all about love and romance- he is probably really torn.

 

I know its not fair that his W doesn't know but thats HIS place. He should tell her on his own timeline and then figure things out for himself. If he doesn't tell her HE has to live with that and I'm telling you that unless he's a total sociopath or was trolling AM for sex and hookups or is a complete narcissist...its not possible. You cannot hide the truth forever. I firmly believe that.

 

If the tables were turned and you were confused and he did this to you, how would you feel? Bottom line- you need to walk away from this and let him go be happy with whatever he chooses. Even if you guys don't end up together do you want him to think of you as this spiteful, vengeful, jealous, bunny boiler? Can you imagine how he'd feel knowing that you took the right for him to tell her away from him? For what? Because he didn't love you enough to be with you? I just don't think that's cool.

 

I know from reading your posts you'd regret it and be in an even worse state than you are now. You'll be sick about it :sick:I really do feel for the BW and I feel bad giving you this advice bc it seems like I don't think she deserves the truth but she deserves it from him. Let the future unfold at its own pace...

 

(trust me I've been so angry in the past I wanted to tell his W that he was with me after the last Dday and we had a wonderful last day together that she never will know about...but it doesn't benefit me and I just don't want to be involved...)

 

I hope you feel better now.

 

 

Praying for peace is right. You have to live with yourself and what you do now, when you are feeling angry, is not going to serve you any purpose once the anger subsides. And it will. Don't do it because you are better than that and you refuse to stoop to his level. It's not worth it. Just give it a little time. Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. Trust me. You have to just get through those times knowing the emotions will pass.

 

I found out my ex MM was actually doing as you say. He was TROLLING face book and SEEKING out women to sleep with so if we want to talk about a narcissist, a version of a "Ted Bundy," my ex MM was IT. There were a number of women he was screwing around with, including escorts, behind my back. And when his wife found out about me, I didn't tell her about the others even though I know he wouldn't either. Why? It's not the right thing to do. It's not who I am as a person. I am better than that.

 

Trust me. You won't feel good about yourself after the fact - if you do something out of anger. You won't get the response you are looking for nor the validation. This too shall pass - the anger and all. I promise you. Worry about YOU.

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Goodbye,i received similar load of crap lines in my A as well. "I want you to have my baby". I mean his kids were in college, and mine are middle-school high school. He's in his early 50's and I'm in my early 40's. So even though I was way deep in affair fog, I knew this was a line and the fact he would say this was outrageous. I think this is a man's way of showing their commitment and passion for us.

 

 

Ha. my MM is in his early 40's and has kids of his own. I am much younger and no kids. He was always talking about me having his baby for the longest time. So much so that he told me he went to the doctor to see about getting a reversal done!! Then tried to tell me one time after we had been together, that he had already had the procedure done. I finally called him on it and told him he was being ridiculous by joking about something like that and he stopped. But jeez- these men.

[ComingInHot]

goodbye wrote, " I don't want to be remembered as a psycho."

 

Hey goodbye

I actually have a question about what you wrote*

Is this the reason that people don't out the A to their AP's spouse? Is it because they want to be remembered fondly when memories pop up of that time in their life? Even though they must realize it was the biggest betrayal they've done?

 

I mean I get that. It would make sense. Actually More sense than a person engaging in the betrayal then feeling pissy & outing the A for vengful reasons.

[Praying4Peace]

goodbye wrote, " I don't want to be remembered as a psycho."

 

Hey goodbye

I actually have a question about what you wrote*

Is this the reason that people don't out the A to their AP's spouse? Is it because they want to be remembered fondly when memories pop up of that time in their life? Even though they must realize it was the biggest betrayal they've done?

 

I mean I get that. It would make sense. Actually More sense than a person engaging in the betrayal then feeling pissy & outing the A for vengful reasons.

 

CIH- I hope you don't mind if I answer this from my perspective (and feel free to tell me I'm nuts!).

 

It's a 'partners in crime' type thing. You have this secret, this bond throughout the whole affair. Who leaves the marriage is always their own decision. Most married AP's dont' want to force the other to leave the marriage.

 

Even when you see hardened criminals being questioned by the police and asked to give up some info on a co-conspirator in exchange for a lesser sentence, etc. it is looked upon BADLY by the criminal world and the police world to 'rat out your partner'.

 

Finally- I figure I damaged him enough by engaging in the affair and he damaged me enough. It's equal. To add more to it isn't fair.

 

Last thing- some BS's assume that if they talk to the OW, the OW will make up lies to break up the marriage. I doubt that this ever happens bc how dumb would you look making things up?? Your exAP would know you made it up and think you're a total psycho.

 

To answer- yes exAPs do things to preserve the fond memories and not look crazy or vengeful. It's really weird.

[Athens]

Lady gray, the topic of the thread is should she contact the wife, so that is what I am addressing. The way our OW exposed the affair, through an anon text hurt her and I am quite sure she regrets it. Now, if you are asking am I glad to know about the affair, I really do not know...I wish it had either ended before I found out or my husband told me, but it's a mute point at this time because I did not get to choose how I found out. I do believe however our OW regrets her actions not only in sending me that text but her actions since, I doubt she is healing as well as my husband and I are because we are healing from a positive rather than negative place, and no one but us matters in the healing process. Her intrusions are stupid and unproductive, they hurt her not us because we have decided what happens between us has nothing to do with anyone else and their circumstances. That's my point, you simply can heal unless its you centered, no one cares more about your well being than yourself. My journey is twofold, my marriage and myself. We are doing incredibly well, but more important I am doing well...

[Goodbye]

goodbye wrote, " I don't want to be remembered as a psycho."

 

Hey goodbye

I actually have a question about what you wrote*

Is this the reason that people don't out the A to their AP's spouse? Is it because they want to be remembered fondly when memories pop up of that time in their life? Even though they must realize it was the biggest betrayal they've done?

 

I mean I get that. It would make sense. Actually More sense than a person engaging in the betrayal then feeling pissy & outing the A for vengful reasons.

 

 

I had to think about this one. I'd say yes, a large part of my reasoning is that I'd like to not have the relationship have been traumatic all around. I'm hurt, badly. I suspect he hurts...don't know if it shows or not. She is clueless due to her H's skilled lies. I guess I don't want to explode it and be remembered as the "b*tch from hell" that took down their marriage. Chances are they'd stay in the marriage and he'd just hate me.

[ComingInHot]

Praying4peace & Goodbye,

Thank you for your replies. I think you answered them well for me and I appreciate that.*

[who_am_i]

I had to think about this one. I'd say yes, a large part of my reasoning is that I'd like to not have the relationship have been traumatic all around. I'm hurt, badly. I suspect he hurts...don't know if it shows or not. She is clueless due to her H's skilled lies. I guess I don't want to explode it and be remembered as the "b*tch from hell" that took down their marriage. Chances are they'd stay in the marriage and he'd just hate me.

 

you're probably right...

and then you'd try and come on here and talk about it which would just make you feel a million times worse.

so yeah...don't be the "b*tch from hell". I'm the current title holder around here.

[Goodbye]

you're probably right...

and then you'd try and come on here and talk about it which would just make you feel a million times worse.

so yeah...don't be the "b*tch from hell". I'm the current title holder around here.

 

 

Not around here!