Can't get over gf cheating and leaving me

[wkbetrayed]

Was with my ex for almost 1 year on the day I found out about the affair. For such a short amount of time, I am completely shocked at my reaction to what transpired.

 

My ex travelled to South America with a group of 7 male and female friends/teammates to run an adventure race over the course of 6 days. She stayed in South America for a month where she was supposed to be with the team for 2 weeks (week running and a week acclimatizing), her dad for 1 week and me for the final week.

 

She won the race, which happens to be the biggest accolade of her life. I was very proud of her and acted as her voice back home to update Facebook for her friends and family with her race status etc. I maintained some contact with her, but she was distant and I wasn't sure if it was the lack of connectivity. (I took care of her dog and was in direct contact with her family)

 

Anyway, mid way through her trip she told me she wasn't sure I should come to meet her for her last week... and eventually told me she had a emotional affair with a guy on the team that started a couple weeks prior to her leaving.

 

Long story short, she admitted to a full physical affair that started in South America and I did not meet her abroad as her dad met her half way and stayed longer. I told her we can get through this as I was completely blindsided by her transgressions and was willing to work on things when she got home so we can move past this. She came home to break up with me and continued her relations with the guy.

 

Over the course of the 2 months she has maintained contact with me and we have hung out. Nothing physical happened with us, but she told me on several occasions she wishes this never happened and we were back as we were. She also told me she must have not loved me to have been able to do this to me and she has also told me she does not love him. She has told me she feels like an idiot with him in public and she told me there was no future with him. She has waivered in her words between me and him the whole time, all the while keeping physical and emotional relations with him.

 

Currently, we haven't had contact for 4-5 days (longest time without contact since we met). I am trying to stay strong and not contact her in order to get better and move on, but all the while hoping that it will provoke her to miss me and realize the mistake she is making.

 

I feel naïve and ignorant that she would come back to me as she is not a fighter so to speak and has always taken the path of least resistance in life. Her actions don't show much remorse to me and I have never actually felt that she was truly sorry.

 

I am not sure what to do. I want her back more than anything in the world and I am going crazy. My work, my friends and family and my physical health have been greatly affected. I feel like she is the only girl for me and that she has been overwhelmed by this race and associates this guy with it so she can't cut him out of his life. She knows I would never be ok with him in her life, and so I feel she has written me off because of that.

 

Just looking to vent and get any friendly advice.

[Eggplant]

She's so foolish -- she doesn't know what she has (had?). You truly adore her and care about her. You are still crazy about her even though she cheated on you. I am so terribly sorry this happened to you. I'm female, but I can't explain why she cheated -- I have no idea. What is telling is that she is not on her knees begging for forgiveness. Maybe she takes you for granted. I don't think her feelings for you are enough to last. She doesn't ultimately respect you enough. You need a woman that adores you back with the same passion and commitment that you have. It's awful to lose her, but you can't really lose her as you never really had her.

[drifter777]

Reconciling with a cheating wife/gf is unbelievably difficult and full of pain. Since you aren't married there is no reason to put yourself through all of that drama so just be done with her. It all hurts but you will be fine in a few weeks time. Don't let this hold you back. You are both young and learning how to love so just take the experience and move on. Go out and live your life.

[Jbum5]

She cheated on you and you're hurt. But familiarity and comfort are two things that human emotion have a tremendous amount of difficulty letting go which explains why you still feel the need to interact with her although her actions have caused you anguish. Let's put it this way: any form of reconciliation that may take place will likely be temporary. Eventually the distrust will grow and in time drive you into paranoia. Ask yourself whether you would rather be paranoid or date a girl who won't waiver in her choice of relationship partner. Do yourself a favor, don't be a bozo. Be real.

[wkbetrayed]

Thanks for the kind dose of reality.

 

I am aware that reconciliation would be very difficult. It would take a huge amount of work for me to move past this and her to ultimately work toward regaining my trust.

 

I believe her love waivered for me going through the mental and physical changes she undertook in training and the actual grueling race. Maybe it's a permanent change, but maybe it isn't.

 

Again, it's naïve and I am likely painting the way for more heartache with this mindset, but thinking of things as done and final absolutely ruin me.

 

Sadly, I am quite established in life with my career, finances, friends and family and she is not working full time, living at home and so forth. On paper, it seems ridiculous to feel so strongly for someone who has so little currently going for them on top of the pain that she has caused.

 

I want to believe this guy is a rebound and she will not want to be with him in time... I want to believe she will miss me as we continue this distance with no contact... all the while, my gut says the opposite.

[road]

Recover from what?

 

You were not married.

 

Your GF failed the job interview for wife. Do not hire her. We have seen too many cheating GF's only go on to be cheating wives.

[Chi townD]

Dude, really? She openly and willingly GAVE HERSELF to another man while you were waiting for her. That is a very low level that she stooped to.

 

Dude, find your spine and self respect. Start NC and if she contacts you again just tell her, "Look, you said you don't love me, you cheated on me and you continue to screw this guy. I'm finding my own path and finding a girl that WILL love me and respect me. I deserve nothing less than that. Goodbye."

[wkbetrayed]

Yes, when gaining that outside perspective and thinking about things logically, it makes the events that transpired pretty black and white.

 

My feelings have not changed though... The hurt is not getting any better... The continued mourning of this loss won't go away... It's day 5 of no contact and I can't believe she hasn't reached out to me at this point. Likely, she will not reach out anytime soon.

 

Some of my close friends think she will contact me in the next few weeks or months missing me and wanting me back when the excitement of this fling or whatever wears off. They want me to get better so I say no, but I just want her back and hope she does indeed come to her senses.

 

I am really stuck and I don't know how to move on and get over it - hence this thread.

[Darren Steez]

What exactly are you confused about? She hangs with you as a friend but she still goes out with him and bangs him. What are you confused about? She's friend zoned you, she tell you she doesn't love him blah blah but no physical contact with you.

 

You're the loyal one, the puppy dog who hangs off her every word. She feeds you crumbs and you lap them up eagerly wagging your little tail.

He's the alpha male, the one she "respects" (albeit she's a bit of a b*llshtter, saying she feels foolish with him in public etc etc) yet..he's the one that gets her body and soul, you get a pat on the head..good boy.

 

Why put yourself through this nonsense..it's affecting your health? Over a woman that cheated on you, shows you no regards and continues to sleep with the guy? Your choice not to get over it. Other course of action is to maintain NC, don't answer her calls and for gods sake don't hang out with her. Go to a gym, a dumbbell can affect your health positively and get back that self respect you are so lacking. You are worth more than pining to a liar who will never commit to you and treats you like dirt.

[wkbetrayed]

My confusion is why she continued to tell me she was confused and overwhelmed the past 2 months. Why did she keep in touch with me? Why did she tell me as recent as last weekend she wished things were different and she still had me as her bf on her trip and things with this guy remained as friends? If it is so cut and dry, then why not just cut me off and tell me she doesn't want me.

 

Her actions clearly speak to this... she is choosing him over me.

 

I thought the no contact would make it easier for me to realize this and stop feeling so strongly for her. Day 5 and I am hurting more than ever as I expected she would at least reach out to me.

 

I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

[Darren Steez]

My confusion is why she continued to tell me she was confused and overwhelmed the past 2 months. Why did she keep in touch with me? Why did she tell me as recent as last weekend she wished things were different and she still had me as her bf on her trip and things with this guy remained as friends? If it is so cut and dry, then why not just cut me off and tell me she doesn't want me.

 

Her actions clearly speak to this... she is choosing him over me.

 

I thought the no contact would make it easier for me to realize this and stop feeling so strongly for her. Day 5 and I am hurting more than ever as I expected she would at least reach out to me.

 

I don't know how to stop feeling this way.

 

She doesn't have to cut you off. Why does she? She's not sleeping with you or fooling around with you, you're a friend. She wished things were different..how? She could have dumped him and thrown herself at you and working on this relationship..but she's still with him.

 

She doesn't have to do squat. It doesn't hurt her when you don't call or text..she maybe curious to what's happening but she knows if she says meet me somewhere you'll be there in a flash.

 

Still...she hasn't done anything with you because that would be cheating on him. You have to break contact, not her. You have to stop seeing her because it's putting you in emotional limbo. She'll feed you crumbs, keeping you at arms length while she carries on her relationship with him, heck she might even tell you all her problems with him..never telling you how good the sex is, or how he makes her laugh. She tells you all her problems because it puts you into savior mode. You think you're a shoulder to lean on, to be there to catch her when things break down, but you're not, you're such a poor second.

 

Keep up the no contact. If she writes/calls/ or texts for god's sake dont pick up or answer. Move on, the heart heals but you've got to do this for yourself man. Go on a date or go out to a bar or something. Just don't sit there wallowing in your pain...because she's not wallowing in it with you. She's getting laid. Time to stop being sorry for yourself and getting angry that someone dares to treat you like this. You deserve far better.

[road]

Cut off her back up plan.

 

She is stringing you along in case Mr Stud dumps her.

 

That is why she is feeding all those Baloney lines about she does not know if she is coming or going when she talks to you.

 

Though she knows to go to the OM when she wants to come.

 

Of course her friends are going to encourage you to your face to stick it out. That she will wake up soon and realize what she is doing. They are feeling sorry for you.

 

What her friends are saying behind your back is when is he going to wake up and forget about her.

[wkbetrayed]

Full week now of no contact. Still not feeling better... I guess it takes months not weeks.

 

Still can't fathom how I got to this point... How WE got to the point of NC...

[ChessPieceFace]

She full-on cheated with a guy. The relationship is over, move on.

[Chi townD]

Dude, it will feel worse before it gets better. Your emotions are all over the place. This is called the rollercoaster of emotions and it can be a very bumpy ride.

 

The hard part for you is when she contacts you. I have a feeling that sooner or later she's going to realize that she hasn't heard from you in a while and she's going to pull on the leash to see if the dog is still there. The HARDEST thing for you to do is to NOT RESPOND! STOP! BREATH!! And post here instead.

[Toddbt12y1]

You shouldn't waste anymore time with her. You said it yourself...She takes the less resistance path. After cheating has occurred, it truly requires a lot of effort and work. You are resisted by a sea of depression. Trust is almost impossible. Four-five days of nc seems too long...for someone who would be sorry and willing to work through this.

 

She had already processed whether or not she loved you...given her actions.

 

The best thing to realize: you are better off without her. There is no need to hold onto hope. You love her, she messed this up, not you. You were great enough to accept her back, at least work with her on this. Here she is not even contacting you for days.

 

Take it from someone who tried to make it work....the more you invest into saving something that is doomed, the more of your mind, and hopes you waste. Time you waste. Tears you waste. Anger. All the works. You will be left a fool. She will go her marry way.

 

You don't have to believe me. I went a whole year and half trying. Ha! I am certainly still rebuilding my shattered mind.

[Javelin]

Full week now of no contact. Still not feeling better... I guess it takes months not weeks.

 

Still can't fathom how I got to this point... How WE got to the point of NC...

 

The reason why it hurts so much is because you were (and still are) in love with her. This is bad, because she will take advantage of your love for her and use you if things don't work out with him. Don't be the fool in this situation. Additionally, there is nothing to salvage either. Staying with her, and we all will garuntee that she'll likely do it again.

 

Another question that I know is lingering in your mind: How long does it take to move on from something like this?

 

The answer can be simple or complex, but it really depends on the person. You sound like an extremely sincere guy, so the events that transpired probably are on the more devasting side. The bottom-line is that you probably won't ever completely get over her if you keep her as a friend. I bet right now she is still haunting you and you're likely having bad dreams, difficult to concentrate, and so on. In any case, the best way to move on is to remain in zero contact and continue with your life. Perhaps take up a new hobby? If you keep busy, you'll notice as time goes by, she'll fade away into nothingness.

 

Another recommendation, stop trying to figure out what went wrong. I say this because in reality, there is nothing that you could have done differently to prevent this from happening.

Edited May 6, 2013 by Javelin

[salparadise]

Full week now of no contact. Still not feeling better... I guess it takes months not weeks.

 

Still can't fathom how I got to this point... How WE got to the point of NC...

 

Yes, it will take months––at least. And the healing will be gradual, not all of a sudden. You will eventually find yourself thinking about her less often, and the pain when you do think of her will vary from full intensity to milder. Allow yourself whatever time it takes and understand that the pain and feelings of loss are normal and to be expected.

 

You have experienced a significant loss and it came in the form of a betrayal by someone you loved and believed in. It will make you question if what you had was real, if you were wrong or foolish to have loved her the way you did. Your feelings were indeed real and you should be proud that you were capable of opening yourself to love and commitment even though she wasn't. Don't adopt a strategy of emotionally shutting the door to that possibility again in the future as a way to cope with your feelings today. Feelings are transient. We experience feelings, but our feelings are not who we are.

 

Allow yourself time to grieve. Anytime we experience a significant loss we go through the grieving process. It's best to fully embrace the process, not circumvent or stifle it. The stages of grieving are- denial & isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The stages may not be discrete, may not occur in the order given, and not everyone experiences every stage, but it helps to understand that your changing feelings fit into the overall expectation for someone going through what you are.

 

Acceptance is where you want to arrive over the next few months. Don't expect that the feelings will magically disappear. Acceptance is the ability to cope, put things into the proper perspective, move forward emotionally and become fully functional once again.

 

Maintaining contact will keep you stuck, keep you feelings of attachment and affection alive and keep you from emotionally resolving all that has happened. You need to relegate this unfortunate betrayal and the relationship to the past and then concentrate on living in the present as you look to the future. It's important to accept that it's not your fault and there is nothing you could have done differently. You simply took a chance on love, gave your it your best effort, and it didn't work out due to no fault of your own. In essence, it's not about you at all––it was her character deficit that caused you to suffer. Accepting and putting these thing in their proper perspective will help in your healing. Good luck-

[wkbetrayed]

Thank you for all the responses. I read through them each and really appreciate all the advice. My friends and family are great people to talk to, but it's nice to hear from people completely unbiased.

 

It's been just over a week since any contact, and I am realizing that she just doesn't care. If she cared she would have reached out in someway, shape or form. I know she is with the other guy still as I have friends who have seen them around and I saw her car out front of his place when I went to a furniture shop nearby (didn't even occur to me I would see it).

 

The hurt seems to get worse as days go by, but I guess in time this will start to move in the other direction... bit of a slippery slope at first. I am trying to hold strong for the morning I wake up and feel ok.

 

I keep fantasizing about what I would say to her now if she contacted me, but I have to let that go, cause chances are she won't and if she does, it would be in my best interest to not respond.

 

Ultimately, the answer always comes back to time. In time, I should be ok on my own and then can begin dating or whatever.

 

I feel like this might haunt me for the rest of my life regardless of how amazing the woman that eventually comes into my life is. Just the hurt and distrust that someone who I thought to care and love so much could even do this.

[Darren Steez]

You need to stop being so hung up in scenarios, if she comes back, if she calls, if she texts, you're wasting time on things that A)Haven't happened and B) Don't really matter..so what if she texts, she's with him, so what if she calls, she's with him.

 

It's not she doesn't care...it's just that, it doesn't matter. She's with him.

 

You're doing mighty fine with the no contact. It's not easy but it can be done. It's a gradual process and along the way you'll find out just how much willpower you have, to stop yourself from reaching out.

 

Have you gone on dates? Try to meet other girls..and before you say, you cant, wont and will not, just do it. You'll find the world's a whole lot bigger and brighter than the cocoon of your pain.

[Javelin]

I feel like this might haunt me for the rest of my life regardless of how amazing the woman that eventually comes into my life is.

 

Luckily, your feelings are totally wrong. When you meet that special someone you will look back and realize that everyone supporting you to move on was right. You'll say to yourself, 'man, what the HELL was I thinking?' I will put a few $100 bills on that too.

 

Just don't start dating until you are completely removed from your old relationship, physically & especially mentally.

 

By the way, you might want to cut any way that you're ex might be able to get a hold of you. Block her on facebook, block her cell phone number on all your phones. You might even want to go as far as blocking her email address. I say this out of experience, cheaters seem to be like drugs to the victim of their infidelity, especially for the first month or two. Trust me when I say this, but a simple phone call, email, or text message from her can relapse awful pain from weeks of healing. So do yourself this HUGE favor now and detach the communication aspect right away.

 

One more thing, and this may sound harsh, but you can never be friends again - not now and not ever. I know that you think you both are on a friend level, but you're not. People make the mistake of befriending an ex that cheated for their own reasons, but the bottom-line truth is that friendship is out of hope that someday things will change. It will never change, and it'll just cause even more problems for you down the road. Again, do yourself a favor and get any friendship thoughts out of your mind, because it won't work.

Edited May 6, 2013 by Javelin

[wkbetrayed]

I think you are right Darren Steez... Often I find myself playing out different scenarios - It's toxic, but it brings me short term peace. Though I don't know for certain that her and this new guy are exclusively together, I would go as far as saying they are in a relationship which coupled with the cheating should be enough to move on.

 

I did in fact go out with another girl over the weekend. We met a couple weeks back at the gym and I held off on much contact with her until I had more of a handle on the ex not coming back and some actual no contact. Despite still feeling despair and hopelessness daily, I put it all aside for the evening and had a good time with this other girl.

 

The new girl brings a lot more to the table as an individual than the ex, but until my mindset shifts and I truly don't want the ex back (feelings go) I won't be able to see things clearly with this girl or any other.

[wkbetrayed]

Update...

 

She contacted me after 2 weeks of NC. Text messaged me that she misses me and then txt me the next day a quote:

 

"missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you".

 

...and lastly, she msged this afternoon asking if I was open to talking.

 

 

I'm stunned she would contact me at all. I have no idea her situation with this other guy or her true intent with respect to making contact. I have not responded at this point and I'm uncertain if I should. I do miss her and would like to talk to her under the pretense of reconciliation, but it's a risk that I'm not sure I'm willing to take. My gut tells me she is either trying to see if her "option" of me is still available or she truly misses me and wants to see where I'm at. Again, I feel so distant from her that I can't assume or make any guesses about her true intent. I can't afford to be cut down again, but my anxiety is back knowing that I might pass thus opportunity by, by not responding.

 

Dunno what to do... In thus moment, I do nothing and see if she contacts me with more details of her intent. I'm not thrilled doing this clearly, but what is my alternative?

[Chi townD]

Update...

 

She contacted me after 2 weeks of NC. Text messaged me that she misses me and then txt me the next day a quote:

 

"missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked. It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you".

 

...and lastly, she msged this afternoon asking if I was open to talking.

 

 

I'm stunned she would contact me at all. I have no idea her situation with this other guy or her true intent with respect to making contact. I have not responded at this point and I'm uncertain if I should. I do miss her and would like to talk to her under the pretense of reconciliation, but it's a risk that I'm not sure I'm willing to take. My gut tells me she is either trying to see if her "option" of me is still available or she truly misses me and wants to see where I'm at. Again, I feel so distant from her that I can't assume or make any guesses about her true intent. I can't afford to be cut down again, but my anxiety is back knowing that I might pass thus opportunity by, by not responding.

 

Dunno what to do... In thus moment, I do nothing and see if she contacts me with more details of her intent. I'm not thrilled doing this clearly, but what is my alternative?

 

 

Okay...so...she misses you. So what! Big frickin deal. I miss my dog while I'm at work. What she sent you was not an admission of wrong doing; that she made a mistake or that she would go to the very gates of hell to get you back. She....just....misses you.

 

 

And what opportunity are you passing up exactly? To talk to a girl that threw you under the bus and openly cheated on you. And after you found out about it, continued to screw this guy. Choosing this guy over you. She values this guy more than you. Basically, rubbing your face in that fact. Is that the opportunity you're referring to?

 

Dude, she made a choice. She chose to cheat on you. She chose to break up with you and break your heart. She chose to continue to sleep with this guy while she was "confused". She made choices, and unforunately, it wasn't you. She made the choice to have you out of her life and let her race partner in. That wasn't your choice; it was hers. So, she needs to live with the consquences of her choices. And why would you entertain any kind of reconciliation with this girl. Mister Wonderful didn't work out, so go back to what's comfortable? Dude, you should NEVER be someones second choice. You are NOT second best and you should NEVER be a consolation prize.

 

I would just ignore it and move on. If she was REALLY serious about talking to you, well, she knows where you live.

Edited May 13, 2013 by Chi townD

[salparadise]

She's saying, "I'm a little bored, so if you're up for another round of emotional abuse, please raise your hand." Up until now you were completely powerless. When she messaged you wanting to talk the dynamic shifted and you now have the power to reject her and choose sanity and self-respect instead. All she wants is ego gratification by confirming that you're suffering, pining, and are putty in her hands. You can now have some small measure of satisfaction in knowing that you didn't give her that, and your pride. Block her.