found out husband looked at escort girl site

[Grainhusk]

I just found out my husband went through escort girl website. They are age between 20-25. He is in his later 40's

 

What should I do? I want to confront him, but then he will accuse me not trust him and check on him behind his back.

 

I wanted to check because he literally stick to his smart phone all the time after work, and when I wanted to see what he see, he pushed me away jokingly. That triggered my suspicion.

 

We just got married couple of months ago

 

I never turned down sex when he asked

[Minnie09]

He might be just looking out of curiosity. So right now I wouldn't do anything yet, but watch his further internet activities. Does he travel for business? Are there any unexplained absences? Watch out for text messages (get text message history from cell phone provider) and (secret) e-mail accounts.*

[Grainhusk]

How can I find out his text messages? He pays his phone bill, I never get involved in that.

 

And he works as a salesman and drive around every day, come back around 8:30pm usually. he even checked the phone number that escort girl offered on the site on google. I guess he tried to find out if the number is real or not. Seems like he was serious going to do it?

 

this thing is eating me up inside, I don't know if I can keep a calm and nice attitude like nothing happened

[Minnie09]

If you have a family plan for your phones, you can access these records online. Try to figure out his password or create a user if nothing's been set up. If he has a company phone, it's going to be more difficult. Or, if he doesn't delete messages, and call logs, maybe you can find evidence there. Otherwise, you could install spyware on his phone. Or check all his computers when he's sleeping.

[Eggplant]

I wouldn't trust him.

[Fugu]

I would be careful about snooping. You cannot legally hack into his account or anything like that. If you both have a shared iphone account, I think you could turn on iCloud, which can tell you his location.

 

this thing is eating me up inside, I don't know if I can keep a calm and nice attitude like nothing happened

 

Looking at nude pics or big busted women in bikinis is one thing. I wouldn't expect a woman to like it, but I think that falls under the realm of things couples can just openly talk about and set boundaries for.

 

An escort site? That's a major, major problem. That's not just aimless fantasizing about a woman who's miles away and unknown to either of you; that's a plot for acting out a fantasy in real life. The bottom line is, it's going to continue eating you up inside. It is what it is. You don't feel safe in the marriage, and who could blame you?

 

Maybe you could just start off by asking him bluntly: Is there something about you that I should know? Leave it at that. See what he says. You don't have to say anything. You already know the truth. Just keep leading him to the point at which he finally fesses up.

 

You: Is there something I should know about you?

 

Him: What? What do you mean?

 

You: I'm just asking you, is there something I should know?

 

Him: No why are you asking this?!

 

You: You're always on the phone. Do you mind if I see what's on it?

 

Him: What?! You don't trust me?! There's nothing!

 

You: So if you were to give me your phone or your passwords, I wouldn't find anything - is that what you're telling me?

 

Him: Yes!

 

You: Really?

 

Keep dragging it out of him.

[Fugu]

I been on escort sites but never would go through with it. But it does seem he wants to meet one. What you can do is install a little hardware device that logs what he types on the computer, that way you can get the password.

 

 

Here's a hard ware key logger forget spyware because it sometimes can be picked up by the antivirus. For the cell phone usually it will list all the calls made if not there's software you can install I suggest look at his cell phone bill first.

 

 

KeyLlama 4MB USB Value Hardware Keylogger KeyLlama 4MB USB Value Hardware Keylogger [KL-USBV-4MB] - $47.88 : KEYKatcher, True Hardware Keyloggers

 

 

Cell phone spy and monitoring software | Mobistealth

 

I would consult local and national/federal laws about this before doing it. I am not an attorney, but I think some of this stuff may be getting perilously close to illegal snooping. Check with a lawyer first.

[2sunny]

I'd tell him - and I'd state that I don't trust him.

 

And I'd happily tell him his bag is packed and he needs to leave now.

 

Without trust - there is no M.

 

He could give you diseases - and that's not right. If I even wondered - he'd be gone!

 

 

Do you work/support yourself?

Edited May 3, 2013 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

I guess you haven't heard about cougars? I find women in their 40 and 50 a lot more sexier than a much younger woman. Even when I was in my 30's I was attracted to women. Yes I looked at younger women but I really wanted something older at that time and still do.

 

Why are you attracted to older?

 

Do you need them for something you can't get from younger gals?

[Keenly]

I feel like in today's society concerning marriage, women can do whatever they want , but men have to abide by strict, unrealistic rules. Like not watching porn.

[Eggplant]

Find a site that offers male escorts. Leave it on your laptop. Let your H see it "accidentally"

[Grainhusk]

Well, last night I bluntly asked him (I couldn't hide my feelings and attitude from him, he knows me well). and he said he just got bored that day and curious, and if I don't like it, he will stop doing it all together. He reassured me he is very happy with me and glad I asked him about it. by the way, I checked all his internet history, only one day that he has peeked that site. He said he despises married men cheat on their wives. and He is a straightforward man

 

I believe him although I think we do need to enrich our life more, find a church or make more good friends.

 

I do wonder if a man is totally satified with his woman, then why in the first place looks at other young women? if the opportunity offers, will he just take it?

[Minnie09]

Honestly? Yes, I believe they would. If the situation is waterproof - no risk of getting caught, most wouldn't say no. And some even jump the opportunity even if it's risky. Just because it's there.

[Grainhusk]

Find a site that offers male escorts. Leave it on your laptop. Let your H see it "accidentally"

I think this will eventually backfire somehow. I tried one time and looked at "sexiest men in the world" (tried to get him jealous and taste what I tasted), but later regret doing it. He said nothing at that time but later his attitude was a little nasty

[KathyM]

I think that's a definite red flag if he is surfing escort sites AND is very possessive or secretive with his cell phone. And after just a few months of marriage. I would suggest you check the cell phone bill and find out what numbers he has been calling or who has been calling him. I don't think you should dismiss this as harmless, because it's not normal behavior. It warrants further investigation on your part. Don't just ask him about it, because if there is something wrong, he will just deny it, minimize it, or be more careful about hiding it in the future. Check the phone records. And check on his online habits as well. He lost the right to privacy from you when he opened an escort site.

[Quiet Storm]

Well, last night I bluntly asked him (I couldn't hide my feelings and attitude from him, he knows me well). and he said he just got bored that day and curious, and if I don't like it, he will stop doing it all together. He reassured me he is very happy with me and glad I asked him about it. by the way, I checked all his internet history, only one day that he has peeked that site. He said he despises married men cheat on their wives. and He is a straightforward man

 

I believe him although I think we do need to enrich our life more, find a church or make more good friends.

 

I do wonder if a man is totally satified with his woman, then why in the first place looks at other young women? if the opportunity offers, will he just take it?

 

 

Men will often be attracted to other women, but it's their actions that matter. Does he have a strong character? A conscience?

 

If he has a strong character, he won't cheat. He may think about other women, but he won't act on it.

[Keenly]

This site is getting to the point where it's toxic.

 

He LOOKED, that's right, LOOKED at an escort site. Some how that single action of the eyes makes people insinuate that you should leave him. What ridiculous high standards they hold men to.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do wonder if a man is totally satified with his woman, then why in the first place looks at other young women? if the opportunity offers, will he just take it?

Any man will look at other women. But only a narcissistic, defective man will cheat, regardless of how the opportunity is presented. Up to you to decide which one you're married to...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KathyM]

I'm not suggesting you leave him or anything like that. I'm just suggesting that you not dismiss this and consider it nothing, because it is not normal behavior. Checking out escort sites is not normal behavior for a married man. If he had been glancing for a bit at porn or pictures of women on the internet, that I would say is not a red flag, but specifically surfing an escort site is concerning. I think it warrants checking the phone bill from time to time, and checking his internet history, in order to be aware of where his thinking is.

 

I know a woman IRL who never thought her husband was capable of cheating, but she became suspicious because her husband was being secretive with his phone. Wouldn't let his phone out of his site. She later discovered his browsing history on the family's computer showed he had gone to escort sites. When she asked him about it, he said he was just curious and would never actually meet up with one. She later discovered text messages on his phone showing that he had, in fact, met up with a few in the past. Where there's smoke, their might be a fire, that's all I'm saying, so don't ignore this. It might be just curiousity that he would never follow through with, but I think it also shows where his thoughts are going, and it's not in a good direction. So just be aware of the red flags that indicate there may be a problem that needs further investigation:

 

1. He hides his cell phone or won't let it out of his sight.

 

2. He hides his internet activity, deletes his browsing history, or has gone to suspicious internet sites.

 

3. There has been large cash withdrawals from the bank account ($200+) on days he says he'll be working late.

 

4. Does he shower immediately upon returning home, or does he start doing his laundry immediately upon returning home?

 

5. Does he smell like he's just showered when returning home from work after working all day?

 

6. Does he keep things like cologne, wet wipes, condoms, or other grooming products in his car?

 

These are just a few of the signs of cheating with a prostitute, or cheating in general, so do be aware of them. This may have just been curiousity on his part, or that you found a potential problem early on, but it could be more. Just be aware, that's all I'm saying, because a married man surfing escort sites is not a good sign, and should be a sign that warrants some checking and some awareness.

[Grainhusk]

Men will often be attracted to other women, but it's their actions that matter. Does he have a strong character? A conscience?

 

If he has a strong character, he won't cheat. He may think about other women, but he won't act on it.

I believe he has a strong character. He is close to all his family members, and he is close to his mother as well. His mother is a cool woman and I like her.

 

I think men who look for escort girls and are addicted to porns are usually having issues in intimate relationships. He is not like that

[Grainhusk]

I'm not suggesting you leave him or anything like that. I'm just suggesting that you not dismiss this and consider it nothing, because it is not normal behavior. Checking out escort sites is not normal behavior for a married man. If he had been glancing for a bit at porn or pictures of women on the internet, that I would say is not a red flag, but specifically surfing an escort site is concerning. I think it warrants checking the phone bill from time to time, and checking his internet history, in order to be aware of where his thinking is.

 

I know a woman IRL who never thought her husband was capable of cheating, but she became suspicious because her husband was being secretive with his phone. Wouldn't let his phone out of his site. She later discovered his browsing history on the family's computer showed he had gone to escort sites. When she asked him about it, he said he was just curious and would never actually meet up with one. She later discovered text messages on his phone showing that he had, in fact, met up with a few in the past. Where there's smoke, their might be a fire, that's all I'm saying, so don't ignore this. It might be just curiousity that he would never follow through with, but I think it also shows where his thoughts are going, and it's not in a good direction. So just be aware of the red flags that indicate there may be a problem that needs further investigation:

 

1. He hides his cell phone or won't let it out of his sight.

 

2. He hides his internet activity, deletes his browsing history, or has gone to suspicious internet sites.

 

3. There has been large cash withdrawals from the bank account ($200+) on days he says he'll be working late.

 

4. Does he shower immediately upon returning home, or does he start doing his laundry immediately upon returning home?

 

5. Does he smell like he's just showered when returning home from work after working all day?

 

6. Does he keep things like cologne, wet wipes, condoms, or other grooming products in his car?

 

These are just a few of the signs of cheating with a prostitute, or cheating in general, so do be aware of them. This may have just been curiousity on his part, or that you found a potential problem early on, but it could be more. Just be aware, that's all I'm saying, because a married man surfing escort sites is not a good sign, and should be a sign that warrants some checking and some awareness.

KathyM

 

thank you for putting much thought into my post. I didn't find anything in the list except that he is with his phone all the time. but he usually leaves his phone when he goes to bathroom, I might check his phone again.

 

by the way, I have a question for married couples. do you allow your spouse to go through your computer and phone freely? if not, why?

[Grainhusk]

Any man will look at other women. But only a narcissistic, defective man will cheat, regardless of how the opportunity is presented. Up to you to decide which one you're married to...

 

Mr. Lucky

What do you mean "defective" man?

 

He is not narcissistic

[HonestNeurotic]

My first husband, whom I had three children with and we were married for 17 years - absolutely adored porn. He never ever cheated on me, nor wanted to. It meant absolutely nothing. Now, I had married girlfriends that found that to be somehow awful - i.e., how can you "allow" your husband to look at porn?

 

We got divorced for different reason. Because he and I were far too young and really had nothing in common with each other. Not good life partners.

 

If he feels that you find porn and such offensive, then he is going to keep that hidden, because he doesn't want you to think less of him. I found that to be the case with my MIL when my FIL strayed. Because she was quite prudish when it came to porn, he eventually strayed to an escort service to get a taste. And that taste became a meal, and then a friggen banquet buffet. They worked through it and really all he needed was a little more "exploration" of having sex other than the missionary regular stuff.

 

Not saying that's true or anything in your situation. Just some things that I've seen in my life that may or may not be helpful to you to consider.

[Mr. Lucky]

What do you mean "defective" man?

Defective, as is broken, poorly formed, unethical, immoral, self-centered, etc. Note I didn't say this describes your husband, but rather the type of man that cheats on his marriage. You're closer to him than anyone, trust your instincts...

 

Mr. Lucky

[KathyM]

KathyM

 

thank you for putting much thought into my post. I didn't find anything in the list except that he is with his phone all the time. but he usually leaves his phone when he goes to bathroom, I might check his phone again.

 

by the way, I have a question for married couples. do you allow your spouse to go through your computer and phone freely? if not, why?

I would suggest that you check from time to time and be aware of the other signs of cheating that I mentioned. Especially be aware of secretiveness about his internet use. That is what alerted my sister to her second husband's cheating behavior. He kept switching the computer screen or exiting out of an internet site whenever she would come into the room. When she became suspicious and checked his internet history, she discovered that he had been corresponding with women on Plenty of Fish. Not prostitutes, but women he was interested in.

 

I've allowed my husband to use my computer and my phone freely if he wanted or needed to. I've never given him any reason to doubt my fidelity, and he knows how strongly I feel about the importance of fidelity in a marriage, so I'm sure he trusts me. If I had ever done something to raise his suspicions about my fidelity, he'd certainly be welcome to check my computer and phone as often as he needed to reassure himself of my fidelity. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. It's when they start to hide something (internet activity, phone activity, etc.), that is when suspicions are aroused, and rightfully so. Your husband was surfing escort sites AND was very tied to his phone. That would be a concern IMO. Not normal behavior.

 

As far as a porn addiction, don't think it doesn't happen to Godly men or honorable men. It's addictive. I know a man who is a very Godly man who became addicted to internet porn and was spending more and more time on it. Both he and his wife realized it was a problem for him to control, and they decided together to place a blocker on porn sites in order to protect their marriage. There are some men in my church that are addicted to porn. Same thing in my previous church. Some churches even sponsor 12 step programs specifically to help church members overcome their sexual or porn addictions.

 

I'm not sure how porn got into this discussion, but I'm just saying, because your husband has been surfing escort sites, TRUST BUT VERIFY is the way to go.