I've decided Im going to give him a call.

[swiftly333]

Ok. I know. I've been all over the place in the last few weeks. No contact. contact. then no contact again... but I decided I am going to call him and see what happens and let the guide me.

 

Its been a month since I went over to his place and asked for another chance. A week of emails. A week of nothing. I text him, we have a short conversation that I then end. Another week of nothing. I texted him yesterday a little inside joke. Again, he responds quickly, we continue a conversation throughout the day. So he's ok texting me back, but has not tried to contact me at all. At first this upset me, especially since there is a possibility of a new girl. It all sounds like a lost cause. But then again, I do no know, and making assumptions gets no one anywhere. I decided to call him and just see how it feels. I have no agenda. No scripts. No expectations. I just want to see what will happen if I call. If it's weird and awkward then I know hes not ready/willing and I can just start to put it behind me. If it goes well I would like to ask him to continue to talk more, see each other, see how it feels. That is, after all, "baby steps" and that's what he said we should do.

 

I know a lot of people on here want to tell me to just get over it. He's moved on. And burn me at the stake for not adhering to "no contact" but the truth is no one really knows what we had, what we're going through, what our future is. And by the way, I have stopped checking up on him and trying to figure out what he's doing. I am making a conscious effort to not over analyze, obsess and make up scenarios and stress over my "next move" in that respect, I am adhering to the rest of my plan to work on letting him go.

 

This is how adults handle things. Head on. Avoiding it will do me no good. I can at least say I did as much as I could and could live without the regret of not trying. I am open to the possibilities here, even if it means there is no possibility for us. I have proven I can live without him, and the pain I have been feeling gets less and less by the day. I am calmer now. True, I've had a few moments of crazy (as chronicled on here), but I am in a much more stable place then I was when we first broke up. I know that if I need to I can move on. But I am not going to deny that I still love this guy and miss him and what we shared. I do still have hope.

 

So this is what I am doing: Tonight, when I get out of class, I will call him. We will see.

[inaya42]

you should definitely do whatever you think you should. there is nothing wrong with following your heart. and no matter what you do you will have greater clarity in the end.

 

Suck It and See To Kill Off Curiosity and Get Out of Relationship Groundhog Day | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

good luck!

[swiftly333]

you should definitely do whatever you think you should. there is nothing wrong with following your heart. and no matter what you do you will have greater clarity in the end.

 

Suck It and See To Kill Off Curiosity and Get Out of Relationship Groundhog Day | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue

 

good luck!

 

That's about where I'm at. Thanks for sharing

[swiftly333]

3 rings, sent to voicemail... prettier sure that's the "you've been ignored"

 

Yikes.

 

 

A few moments pass. Text alert.

 

 

Ex: I'm having dinner with my family.

 

Me: sorry I don't mean to interrupt. Enjoy dinner.

 

Ex: No worries.

 

 

Doesn't exactly put anything to rest. But not the worst case scenario either.

I guess the fact that he even cared to explain why he sent to me voicemail shows he cares at least a little. So I feel like he will be receptive if I try again...

[aisuru]

I'm a believer in nothing lost nothing gained. You have nothing to lose. As long as you are okay with the fallout on this, either way.

 

It's a good sign (to me) that he texted you.

 

However, step back a few days or weeks and see if he now reaches out to you. If you call again and he still doesn't respond, then don't try and attempt contact again.

 

You never know... Ya know?

 

I understand where you are right now. Just be sure you're okay with ANY outcome. Nothing lost, nothing gained. It can't get worse.

 

Good luck.

[OwlSoul]

It's a good sign (to me) that he texted you.

It is deffinetely a good sign if they'd end up the relationship badly and ignore each other. Anything should be taken in comparison: whether the person contacts you more often than before, is a way more friendly than before, or talks to you at all, in comparison with what was before.

 

I have reached out my dumper as well. It was easier though, since he asked the time for himself. So i just asked what he has decided and here we go, talking to each other everyday, staying in calls, seeing each other and etc. Baby steps. Just follow your inner 'I' (when you're not feeling bad, or trying to overthink something. It's kind of a feeling saying what to do).

[swiftly333]

It is deffinetely a good sign if they'd end up the relationship badly and ignore each other. Anything should be taken in comparison: whether the person contacts you more often than before, is a way more friendly than before, or talks to you at all, in comparison with what was before.

 

I have reached out my dumper as well. It was easier though, since he asked the time for himself. So i just asked what he has decided and here we go, talking to each other everyday, staying in calls, seeing each other and etc. Baby steps. Just follow your inner 'I' (when you're not feeling bad, or trying to overthink something. It's kind of a feeling saying what to do).

 

This is a good point. Right after the break up he was struck no contact; didn't respond to texts messages, didn't return phone calls. Nothing. The fact that he even respond to anything at this point is like night and day. My friends said this means nothing if he isn't trying to contact me, but all things considered I think it does, it's a change in guy behavior; so it's nice to hear someone else see that also.

[aisuru]

This is a good point. Right after the break up he was struck no contact; didn't respond to texts messages, didn't return phone calls. Nothing. The fact that he even respond to anything at this point is like night and day. My friends said this means nothing if he isn't trying to contact me, but all things considered I think it does, it's a change in guy behavior; so it's nice to hear someone else see that also.

 

 

As long as you're okay with this not going the way you're hoping it will, then you're probably okay. Just remember the odds are slim. Prepare yourself for worst case scenario.

[inaya42]

he's a man, not a monster or superhero. in the end it won't matter. it's one phone call. give yourself a few days to get your nerves back up. and always take care of yourself and your self-esteem first. baby and coddle yourself, forgive yourself, adore yourself. if he acts weirdly or is rejecting, you know to continue your journey getting over him.

 

I do see it as a good sign that he texted. it demonstrates respect for your time and effort and some curiosity about why you've reached out. trust yourself to handle the situation with grace and respect, and accept whatever clarity you get. with others, it's all about the journey, not the outcome...

[swiftly333]

As long as you're okay with this not going the way you're hoping it will, then you're probably okay. Just remember the odds are slim. Prepare yourself for worst case scenario.

 

I would like to know why you say chances are slim? I was thinking50/50 or maybe its more like 60/40 (not working out/working out)..... I would say slim when he was barely talking to me and when he seemed angry. Now he's friendly and responding... I know in the past he's remained strict no contact with past ex's (or that's what he's told me, he's said he's never tired to be friends with an ex).

[xpaperxcutx]

Not meaning to sound harsh, but in my opinion, I feel like you're settling for breadcrumbs and you see absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your ex sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.

 

I've been where you are, hoping for any kind of contact to keep yourself sane but don't you see that you're also de-valuing yourself as a person in settling for his breadcrumbs? It may seem like he is being selfish, but mostly, he is only acting the way he is because he just doesn't care. I know when my ex hadn't cared about me, no matter how much i begged and cried, he was happy all the same.

 

I'm sure second chances are possible, but it cannot happen if he doesn't miss you, want to talk to you, or even want to see you. Texting, unfortunately, is impersonal, and you placed way too much emphasis on him responding than he did you contacting him. It's also not a good thing that he refused your call because of a family dinner- neither did he bother to call you back after dinner.

 

If from what I read of your other threads are true, he is more preoccupied with his own life right now, especially dating another new girl. He is not emotionally attached like you and therefore, does not see the need to see ostr call you.

 

Your best bet is to keep to that mindset of moving on. You need to place more value on yourself to move on from him. Remove all hopes of him coming back and see how you can truly live without him.

 

I believe in second chances, but at the same that has to happen if he decides to come back on his own, when he see for himself you're a completely different person who he wants to chase after.

 

 

PS. don't place emphasis on his texts. His answers have been straightforward and short. He's being polite and curt. But it doesn't mean he's thinking about getting back together with you

Edited May 4, 2013 by xpaperxcutx

[aisuru]

I would like to know why you say chances are slim? I was thinking50/50 or maybe its more like 60/40 (not working out/working out)..... I would say slim when he was barely talking to me and when he seemed angry. Now he's friendly and responding... I know in the past he's remained strict no contact with past ex's (or that's what he's told me, he's said he's never tired to be friends with an ex).

 

Statistically, the chances that any of us will have a second chance are slim. I spent some time thinking we were 50/50 in my own breakup, and while it may be naïve, I now believe it's about a 20/80 (get back together/stay apart). I only think that there is that much chance because we've both cut contact for now and he's told me he's not capable of seeing me right now until the feelings settle down. Some day, I'll conceded we're 0/100.

 

Ironically, my 2 recent exes (before this most recent one obviously) each expressed interest in rekindling with me this week... I broke up with one in 2008 and one in 2010. But yeah, no interest on my part.

 

Funny how time changes things.

[xpaperxcutx]

Statistically, the chances that any of us will have a second chance are slim. I spent some time thinking we were 50/50 in my own breakup, and while it may be naïve, I now believe it's about a 20/80 (get back together/stay apart). I only think that there is that much chance because we've both cut contact for now and he's told me he's not capable of seeing me right now until the feelings settle down. Some day, I'll conceded we're 0/100.

 

Ironically, my 2 recent exes (before this most recent one obviously) each expressed interest in rekindling with me this week... I broke up with one in 2008 and one in 2010. But yeah, no interest on my part.

 

Funny how time changes things.

 

The bolded. You are in the position of your ex, if you don't want to get back with your exes what makes you think your ex wants to get back with you?

 

This is an emotional issue. If you are checked out of the relationship emotionally, it takes time or even curiosity for the other person to want to get back with you. The only thing you can do 100% effectively is to move on and live better. If you can do that, maybe, eventually if your heard about you through the grapevine or their curiosity got the better of them, then they will contact you again.

 

I had an ex contact me on New Years Eve to try to get back with me after 6 months of NC.

[swiftly333]

Not meaning to sound harsh, but in my opinion, I feel like you're settling for breadcrumbs and you see absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your ex sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.

 

I've been where you are, hoping for any kind of contact to keep yourself sane but don't you see that you're also de-valuing yourself as a person in settling for his breadcrumbs? It may seem like he is being selfish, but mostly, he is only acting the way he is because he just doesn't care. I know when my ex hadn't cared about me, no matter how much i begged and cried, he was happy all the same.

 

I'm sure second chances are possible, but it cannot happen if he doesn't miss you, want to talk to you, or even want to see you. Texting, unfortunately, is impersonal, and you placed way too much emphasis on him responding than he did you contacting him. It's also not a good thing that he refused your call because of a family dinner- neither did he bother to call you back after dinner.

 

If from what I read of your other threads are true, he is more preoccupied with his own life right now, especially dating another new girl. He is not emotionally attached like you and therefore, does not see the need to see ostr call you.

 

Your best bet is to keep to that mindset of moving on. You need to place more value on yourself to move on from him. Remove all hopes of him coming back and see how you can truly live without him.

 

I believe in second chances, but at the same that has to happen if he decides to come back on his own, when he see for himself you're a completely different person who he wants to chase after.

 

 

PS. don't place emphasis on his texts. His answers have been straightforward and short. He's being polite and curt. But it doesn't mean he's thinking about getting back together with you

 

I see what you are saying. And maybe I am seeing more then they really are worth. But also, there's a lot of assumptions. I assumed yes dating someone, I don't know. And it was already late when I called, I don't blame him for not calling late.. But I kinda wishes I had asked him to...

 

I dunno.....

[Compromize]

I applaud you for giving it one last shot for yourself. I know it goes against all rules of NC but I am the point of understanding that NC only really works when you are FULLY ready to go NC and move on. If you are in a place where you feel you really need the last talk, last try than NC will not work. My opinion anyway.

 

I also feel like you that I will call my ex one more time, not sure when yet. Mine dangled the carrot of I want you back but not yet/need some time a couple weeks ago and have not heard from her. I feel for myself I need to speak to her at some point about being treated that way. Or maybe I will never call and just let it go. Not sure yet.

 

I am also afraid of the going to voicemail scenario, not sure what I would say or want to say in a voicemail and I have called before (months ago) left voicemails and gotten nothing back.

 

If I were you I wouldn't contact him again, he knows you called and if he doesn't have the balls to call you back than I think that should be a sign to you that it is time to move on and let go with peace and love.

 

Like xpaperxcutx said, I also believe in second chances and they will make it known. But like in my case they might make it known and then disappear after you say that you want them back too. It sucks I'm sorry that you didn't get the response/resolution from the phone call you were hoping for but does any of us on LS ever do? We are the 99% lol.

[IS IT Better late]

I feel your pain, the whole NC thing goes against all of our intuitions. The one person we all want to speak to more than anyone else in the world is the one person we can't talk to. Just think about how cruel that is. I have so many thoughts/things I want to tell her but can't. I look at my phone and I'm so tempted to text her but I remind myself she dumped me. We didn't go straight no contact after the BU and it wasn't all the messy but I've decided to go NC.

 

It's only been a little over 2-weeks and its hard as hell. Every time a text comes in I'm always hoping its her. I can't seem to let her go yet.

 

But everyone should do what they think is best for them, NC has its benefits but the thoughts in my head will need to come out at some point.

[swiftly333]

Well, I spent all day and night yesterday worrying. I keep reminding myself that worrying an thinking so much will accomplish nothing. I did what I wished I did after he said he was busy when I called on Thursday. I asked him when would be a good time to try and call him again. He said he's free all weekend. So I called him a few hours later. He answered.

 

We talked for an hour. We just got caught up on what each other has been up to in the past 2 months. There was a pause at on point and I asked if this was weird. He said kinda, he said he's still not sure if he wants to talk to me, but then admitted that if he didn't he wouldn't have answered the phone. He said he's glad we're not mad anymore and he's not holding onto a grudge or anything. He liked that we could talk now.

 

I made the mistake of telling him about getting tested for a possible medical problem, he seemed concerned but I tried to play it like it wasn't big deal. I wasn't going to bring it up because I didn't want him thinking I was trying to get pity or something. He also asked about my depression. I told him I'm feeling a lot better but not 100% so I'm still working on it. I don't know how-to lie, but I wished I just said I was doing great. Me still having depression might make him sacred/reluctant. I wished I had thought through some of these.possible questions before hand so I knew how to respond. But oh well, at least I was honest, and I did offer to him to ask me about whatever he wants to know.

 

We had a good talk, but nothing was resolved. I was too scared to bring up getting back together. I few little comments about the past came up, but I just moved the conversation along. I ended it because I felt like it was going well, and I wanted to avoid another awkward moment.

 

At the end I asked him if he'd like me to call him again. He said maybe, I'll leave that up to you. I asked him why up to me? If he wants me to call I'll call but if not I won't waste my time. He said if I want to call I can an we can keep talking.

 

So. Nothing resolved. But I know he isn't mad anymore an that's very different from a month ago when I last spoke to him. But I'm not out of limbo. And I don't know much more then I do a few database, other then that he will talk to me. But that may or may not mean anything.

 

On on hand, that sounds like a fist full of breadcrumbs. On the other, maybe it's not unreasonable for him to still be resistant and hesitant.

 

Where's the line between taking it slow and just dragging it on?

[Lostint]

Well, I spent all day and night yesterday worrying. I keep reminding myself that worrying an thinking so much will accomplish nothing.

 

I made the mistake of telling him about getting tested for a possible medical problem, he seemed concerned but I tried to play it like it wasn't big deal. I wasn't going to bring it up because I didn't want him thinking I was trying to get pity or something. He also asked about my depression. I told him I'm feeling a lot better but not 100% so I'm still working on it. I don't know how-to lie, but I wished I just said I was doing great.

 

We had a good talk, but nothing was resolved. I was too scared to bring up getting back together.

 

At the end I asked him if he'd like me to call him again. He said maybe, I'll leave that up to you. I asked him why up to me? If he wants me to call I'll call but if not I won't waste my time. He said if I want to call I can an we can keep talking.

 

Where's the line between taking it slow and just dragging it on?

 

I think you need to change your mindset or you're going to drive yourself crazy.

 

I'm not one to talk, my own posts show the craziness I've gone through in the last few months and that I'm still kind of going through. I can identify completely with everything you said- the awful feelings of uncertainty, doubting yourself, questioning his words/actions etc.

 

You're going to be in limbo for as long as you can't make up your mind what to do.

 

You either have to

1) accept that it's over

or

2) decide that you're going to keep trying but come up with a concrete plan for what that means

 

If you go with 1) then there's probably not much point in maintaining contact.

 

If you go with 2) then you need to get your head in the right place before you get to work on it. That means feeling strong enough to handle the uncertainty. I would say that if the uncertainty is making you feel emotional, you're probably going to end up saying things to him that you regret - asking him to try again in a needy way etc etc. I've been there. I deeply regret telling my ex three times in the last couple of months that I wanted to try again. I wasn't in a place yet where I could be calm and logical about it and I'm sure all he saw was this emotional, unstable woman who anyone would run a mile from.

 

I would say you can only go with (2) if you're in the mindset that you're going to be ok, whatever happens, and if you're back to a place where you can see your own self worth and that this guy would be lucky to have you.

[inaya42]

you might also do nothing further. it seems to me that, even at this early stage, reciprocity is very important. if you are going to be friendly, become friends, rekindle, etc., both of you must be on board. it would put you in the very vulnerable position of being the pursuer, and he would gain much of the power by not contributing any energy to the ongoing exchanges.

 

you've done a brave thing. and now you can get back to building your life without him... let him decide how being in contact with you felt, and, based on his own feelings, decide if he would like to continue. communication is/should be like a tennis match...

[OwlSoul]

Meh, what was the point then? You were talking right stuff about not wanting to escape the issue and etc. And you did not dare to tell straightaway what you want?! This is what was my old ex doing (dumped by me), chatting me up and not even telling straightaway what he wants. It was pissing me off, because it was obvious he wanted to be back. But he was the one who said 'We'll never get back'.

So welp, if I were you, I'd grow up a couple of testicles and express what is on my mind. Or totally ignore the person and give up the hope.

[shiver23]

I'm sorry that you didn't get the response/resolution from the phone call you were hoping for but does any of us on LS ever do? We are the 99% lol.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/390377-these-times-part-deux

 

I actually did get resolution. I hope this helps.

 

Good luck with your situation OP. Moving on is hard, but it does make you feel better eventually. Trust me, the first two-three weeks after the break-up I was a wreck. Now, I'm accepting my situation and moving on. I'm not rebounding, but I'm also not scared of dating again.

[swiftly333]

Meh, what was the point then? You were talking right stuff about not wanting to escape the issue and etc. And you did not dare to tell straightaway what you want?! This is what was my old ex doing (dumped by me), chatting me up and not even telling straightaway what he wants. It was pissing me off, because it was obvious he wanted to be back. But he was the one who said 'We'll never get back'.

So welp, if I were you, I'd grow up a couple of testicles and express what is on my mind. Or totally ignore the person and give up the hope.

 

OwlSoul, you don't know the whole story then. I did "grow a pair" and told him what I wanted. I took responsibility for my actions, I apologized, and said I wanted to work things out. He didn't know so I was giving him space. That was how we initiated contact again. He said "baby steps." so he knows. Am I supposed to hound him until he says no because I forced him to answer me? This is not the same situation as you and your ex, obviously.

[aisuru]

I think you wait and see if and when he reaches out to you. He's said 'baby steps' and he's allowed some contact.

 

Now back off on contact and see what happens in 4-6 weeks. Maybe you won't care as much then.

 

It just seems like the ball is in his court at this point....

[swiftly333]

I think you wait and see if and when he reaches out to you. He's said 'baby steps' and he's allowed some contact.

 

Now back off on contact and see what happens in 4-6 weeks. Maybe you won't care as much then.

 

It just seems like the ball is in his court at this point....

 

He told me he's leaving it up to me. If I stop contact then there will be none...

[aisuru]

I think that's your answer...

 

He won't contact you first and can tolerate you contacting him. He doesn't want to be the bad guy and tell you not to contact him. He might even welcome it a little.

 

I'm sorry.