I've decided Im going to give him a call.

[Treasa]

I read your previous posts. I can't stress enough that he doesn't want to be with you. The "baby steps" phrase was to keep you off his back so he can continue to distance himself from you. Like most people, he probably doesn't want to burn his bridges. But he is clearly not interested in you in this way anymore.

 

I agree with confronting things, but then learn from them and move on. You say you're doing better and not contacting him, but you clearly still want to be with him. Once I confronted my ex a few years ago, I decided I was done and actively moved on with my life, and agreed with myself that I would never, ever be with him again, even if he begged for me back.

 

It isn't about NC or not. It's trying to recapture your self-respect and self-esteem. Or at least build some to begin with.

 

Right now you do look desperate to him. He can smell it from a mile away.

 

If you really want to get better, actively choose to be done with him, and move on. Sure, he'll still pop up in your head, but you can make the choice about what you want. If you only want to be with him, you're in store for a long, painful ride.

[swiftly333]

Treasa; I don't think calling him once every few weeks is "desperate" but we're all entitled to our own opinions, I guess. And, you also can't speak for him and what he's thinking, either. No one can but him.

 

Anyways...

 

 

We were texting on Sunday, and we were just cracking jokes, it was fun and then he started to get all flirty. It was cool until it got sexual. Then I told him it was getting creepy (kinda joking, but also not), the then said in a roundabout way that he misses me still.

 

I was so weirded out by the whole thing I stopped texting back; I told him I had plans.

 

Sure, flirting is nice - but getting too sexual just isn't appropriate given our situation. Then to make it all sad and "woe-is-me" afterwards. I'm starting to think he has no idea. Every time I talk to him he opens up little by little, but it's clear that he's expecting me to do a lot more work. And maybe he feels like he deserves that since I broke up with him to begin with That converstation totally threw me off though. . I was ok with the flirting/jokeing.. but the flirty/sexual texts? eehh.. Granted, this is how we flirted in the beginning, and he knows me, I would joke around like that all the time when we were dating, but were not anymore… Maybe he just doesn’t have any other way to flirt (in fact the jokes were along the same lines as what he used on me when we were first dating, as well as the ones my friend saw on FB…. Maybe he really just has no other material?)

 

I was thinking of calling him later in the week and see if we can meet up to talk. Now I'm sort of scared to do that. I know we had crazy sexual chemistry, but that's not what I'm wanting. I know he knows that already, but still....

[anna121]

I don't know how much clearer he needs to be that he is not interested in anything serious with you right now. he's pretty much totally left it up to you to initiate all contact and now he's treating you like a very casual connection.

[swiftly333]

I was just thinking, I'm probably over thinking again.... I shouldn't try and find meaning in stupid text jokes...

 

 

That said, I feel like people on here don't believe that there is a "warning up" phase in getting back together....

 

Either way, what you guys think is "clear" is based on your own opinions and based off very little info. To me, I've gotten lots of mixed signals.

 

And I guess you guys are likely reading this and rolling your eyes. Fine. May be you're right, maybe you're wrong, but ultimately I'm going to do whatever I feel is right for me.

 

Do I have doubts or questions about his intentions? Of course. I know that's a possibility, but for whatever reason, in still considering seeing this through a little longer. I have moments I want to give up and moments where I'm not ready. I'm totally open to other people opinions & thoughts if they can express them respectfully, but this is where I'm at.

[youngnlove89]

I was just thinking, I'm probably over thinking again.... I shouldn't try and find meaning in stupid text jokes...

 

 

That said, I feel like people on here don't believe that there is a "warning up" phase in getting back together....

 

Either way, what you guys think is "clear" is based on your own opinions and based off very little info. To me, I've gotten lots of mixed signals.

 

And I guess you guys are likely reading this and rolling your eyes. Fine. May be you're right, maybe you're wrong, but ultimately I'm going to do whatever I feel is right for me.

 

Do I have doubts or questions about his intentions? Of course. I know that's a possibility, but for whatever reason, in still considering seeing this through a little longer. I have moments I want to give up and moments where I'm not ready. I'm totally open to other people opinions & thoughts if they can express them respectfully, but this is where I'm at.

 

You are like me. Go read my threads and see where this attitude got me...

 

Hint: NOWHERE

 

We both need to let these guys go and go full NC. No excuses.

 

Everybody is talking from experience on here, everyone was you once, and guess what, we are all on YOUR side.

[Minneloa]

I was just thinking, I'm probably over thinking again.... I shouldn't try and find meaning in stupid text jokes...

 

 

That said, I feel like people on here don't believe that there is a "warning up" phase in getting back together....

 

Either way, what you guys think is "clear" is based on your own opinions and based off very little info. To me, I've gotten lots of mixed signals.

 

And I guess you guys are likely reading this and rolling your eyes. Fine. May be you're right, maybe you're wrong, but ultimately I'm going to do whatever I feel is right for me.

 

Do I have doubts or questions about his intentions? Of course. I know that's a possibility, but for whatever reason, in still considering seeing this through a little longer. I have moments I want to give up and moments where I'm not ready. I'm totally open to other people opinions & thoughts if they can express them respectfully, but this is where I'm at.

 

Hi Swiftly,

 

Yes, we here at LS do lack the big picture and context. However, we are doing our best to respond to the information you have provided us about the situation. Based on what you have shared here, I strongly concur with others' opinions that your ex is merely stringing you along. Of course, I could be wrong, but sometimes outside observers are better able to see patterns than the individuals directly involved. If there is further information that indicates your ex is interested in reconciling with you, please feel free to share it.

 

Even though our words may be blunt, no one is rooting against you here; rather, we are trying to caution you and prevent you from experiencing further pain.

 

Sending good thoughts,

 

M.

[swiftly333]

I know that is a possibility. I also see that continuing on this way isn't really helping me either way.... But I just dont think I've seen it through just yet. I guess I feel like I still haven't confronted things yet and I seem to be taking a snale's pace because I'm admittedly afraid that if I push too hard he will scurry away.

 

I guess the hardest part is that every time I do talk to him, he gives me just a little bit more each time, and I take the bait each time. Its just enough to keep me trying. I maybe am deluding myself into believing that eventually it will go where I want it to. But I also see that this isn't really helping me get where I want/need to be right now.

 

That said, I am still doing things for myself. I am working on myself and I am making myself a priority. I'm going to therapy, I'm working out several days a week, I'm getting my health under control. I'm moving forward with my own life as well. I've gone out, done the single thing, even have a few possible interested suiters. So I am not sitting sadly idol waiting for him. Yes, I'm still gripping on to this little bit of hope still, but its not all I have right now.

 

Maybe someday soon I'll decide I don't even want this anymore. Or maybe I'll finally get the clarity or closure I need. But to me, I guess its not clear enough. And how could things be more clear? Well, he could just be honest with me and use his words! But I understand that might not ever happen...

 

I was thinking of calling him and seeing if I can arrange a meet up. I hope that when I see him I'll be brave enough to confront him and just finally ask where he thinks this is going and what he wants because I can't continue on just guessing and being unsure.

Edited May 8, 2013 by swiftly333

[swiftly333]

I had thought about calling my ex this week to arrange for us to meet, but due to recent events and comments made on here I've been anxious about it. I've kept myself really busy all week so that I just don't have the time in the evenings to even be able to call him. I have not text or called since Sunday, when it got a little too familiar and comfortable with the jokes.

 

On one hand I want to just see if he will see me. I don't plan on going into all the details, but I just want to ask how he feels and why he has no problem talking to me, but will not initiate anything. I also want to know what he feels now that hes had several weeks to think about what I've said. I feel I've given it time. He said I would take more for him to believe me, all I've done is more since then, while still giving him space.

 

On the other hand, I keep thinking I just want to be out of this limbo.but I also know that is ultimately up to me; I can make the conscious decision that I am getting myself out of this situation, but I have a hard time really seeing myself doing that....

 

In the meantime, I'm working on finishing the semester, going to therapy, and getting my body and medications under control so I can be the best person I can be, and that taking up plenty of my time. Maybe I'll soon be able to get pass this phase and give up on this little string of hope....

[aisuru]

Awww, I'm sorry. Limbo sucks. You're doing the right thing by taking some time to give it more thought and taking care of you.

[Compromize]

I feel your pain swiftly333. Being in the limbo of not being sure what they really want and holding onto the hope of "maybe?" is painful, fills you with anxiety and makes you rooted in one spot, missing out on the rest of life going on around you.

 

Have you ever heard the expression "maybe almost always means no"? I think in my case, and most others here, that it true. We are waiting on a maybe that will turn into a "someday" that will turn into a "I have a new boyfriend/girlfriend". I am personally sick of dangling in the breeze for a woman that has on a continual basis rejected me and what I have to offer her and my kids and my love and my commitment.

 

If they REALLY and TRULY wanted us back they would say it, do it, prove it. I know I would and I have done that in the past, even though it wasn't me who left. Living in the world of a breadcrumb text message every couple weeks is a bunch of $hit. We deserve someone who will treat us better than "maybe". We deserve a "Hell Yes!".

 

I read something the other day, it was oddly enough about Bon Jovi and his marriage where he was saying his wife told him "if you ever decide to leave, I'm going with you". That's the kind of woman I want!!

 

And if YOU (my ex who used to be my baby) are out there reading this, you told me that you would never leave me (again)! Well actions speak volumes as does your silence.

Edited May 12, 2013 by Compromize

[swiftly333]

Compromize, thanks for the kind works. You're right.

 

 

But here's the problem: now he's been sending me texts saying he misses me. That he missed what we had. He misses being in love. That's he wants me know I'm missed.

 

I was angry. My response was cold. And I regret that. Because of my fear and my ego I responded in a way that was not genuine. You see, the problem with us was lack of communication and emotional intimacy. Him saying those things was him taking a risk and showing vulnerability and I should've respected that more.

 

I know. People on here don't get this; bit I'd rather take a risk and be real then fake it for the sake of pride or power. I think I might call him in a few days and tell him that...but first I've got to get through these finals.

[Treasa]

Compromize, thanks for the kind works. You're right.

 

 

But here's the problem: now he's been sending me texts saying he misses me. That he missed what we had. He misses being in love. That's he wants me know I'm missed.

 

I was angry. My response was cold. And I regret that. Because of my fear and my ego I responded in a way that was not genuine. You see, the problem with us was lack of communication and emotional intimacy. Him saying those things was him taking a risk and showing vulnerability and I should've respected that more.

 

I know. People on here don't get this; bit I'd rather take a risk and be real then fake it for the sake of pride or power. I think I might call him in a few days and tell him that...but first I've got to get through these finals.

 

Actually, I totally get that. Do you really think none of us have ever been where you are? People grow and evolve (hopefully) with enough experience.

 

If you want to just confront him, ask him if this means he'd like to try again. Tell him you will accept yes or no, and if no, then he needs to stop contacting you. And then block him for good measure.

 

Even if he says yes, consider it carefully...AFTER you've studies for and taken your finals.

[swiftly333]

Thanks Teresa. I actually talked about this in therapy today. Being more open and emotionally genuine I something I am working on in therapy an I feel like I had chance to practice that an I went to my old ways of shutting down and being cold. I disappointed myself when j realized that. We also talked about how,even if it doesn't work out, it's a good opportunity to practice taking emotional risks and allowing vulnerability. But I think it best for now so I can stay focused. Finals are done on Thursday. After that I will see how I feel.

 

I didn't mean to insult anyways by saying no one gets it, by the way. It's just that I really feel like that right now....

[Leigh 87]

Not meaning to sound harsh, but in my opinion, I feel like you're settling for breadcrumbs and you see absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your ex sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.

 

I've been where you are, hoping for any kind of contact to keep yourself sane but don't you see that you're also de-valuing yourself as a person in settling for his breadcrumbs? It may seem like he is being selfish, but mostly, he is only acting the way he is because he just doesn't care. I know when my ex hadn't cared about me, no matter how much i begged and cried, he was happy all the same.

 

I'm sure second chances are possible, but it cannot happen if he doesn't miss you, want to talk to you, or even want to see you. Texting, unfortunately, is impersonal, and you placed way too much emphasis on him responding than he did you contacting him. It's also not a good thing that he refused your call because of a family dinner- neither did he bother to call you back after dinner.

 

If from what I read of your other threads are true, he is more preoccupied with his own life right now, especially dating another new girl. He is not emotionally attached like you and therefore, does not see the need to see ostr call you.

 

Your best bet is to keep to that mindset of moving on. You need to place more value on yourself to move on from him. Remove all hopes of him coming back and see how you can truly live without him.

 

I believe in second chances, but at the same that has to happen if he decides to come back on his own, when he see for himself you're a completely different person who he wants to chase after.

 

 

PS. don't place emphasis on his texts. His answers have been straightforward and short. He's being polite and curt. But it doesn't mean he's thinking about getting back together with you

 

 

 

 

This.

 

Your ex has displayed no sign that he is remotely into you or interested in you as a romantic prospect. If anything, he may want you as a booty call when he's lonely and horny.

 

Yes we are not aware of what you guys had. No one on here is aware of what my ex and I had either! Yet he has not begged for me back, and told me he desperately needs to be with me yet, so every one here WOULD Be right to make the judgement that; he does not want me badly enough for me to spend much time thinking about him.

 

Move on. Please. Go total NC. It is SUPER hard I know this... My ex actually does tell me he loves me like always and does not want to move on from me forever and probably wants me back.

 

Still though, I refuse to cling on to false hope! The thing is, once we move on enough, we will not CARE all that much if they have moved on or not.

 

And honey, after a few months, there is no chance that he is being abstinent and refraining from hooking up with other women. Unless he is religious views ban casual hook ups, or he is terrible looking or really social retarded.

 

It is a given that if they do not desperately want to be with you in EVERY way by 3 months ish after they leave you, that you can bet that are out hooking up with new girls, and may have even found a new girl they are really into by now.

 

If a guy truly loves you and wants you badly, he will make it known!

 

Until he makes it loud and clear that he is madly in love with you, PLEASE start NC NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes he still cares about you - but not at the level a man does when he is deeply in love with someone.

 

He cares about you as a person. He would care if anything bad happened to you. That is ALL though.

 

He would not be acting this way he still had strong feelings for you.

[swiftly333]

This.

 

Your ex has displayed no sign that he is remotely into you or interested in you as a romantic prospect. If anything, he may want you as a booty call when he's lonely and horny.

 

Yes we are not aware of what you guys had. No one on here is aware of what my ex and I had either! Yet he has not begged for me back, and told me he desperately needs to be with me yet, so every one here WOULD Be right to make the judgement that; he does not want me badly enough for me to spend much time thinking about him.

 

Move on. Please. Go total NC. It is SUPER hard I know this... My ex actually does tell me he loves me like always and does not want to move on from me forever and probably wants me back.

 

Still though, I refuse to cling on to false hope! The thing is, once we move on enough, we will not CARE all that much if they have moved on or not.

 

And honey, after a few months, there is no chance that he is being abstinent and refraining from hooking up with other women. Unless he is religious views ban casual hook ups, or he is terrible looking or really social retarded.

 

It is a given that if they do not desperately want to be with you in EVERY way by 3 months ish after they leave you, that you can bet that are out hooking up with new girls, and may have even found a new girl they are really into by now.

 

If a guy truly loves you and wants you badly, he will make it known!

 

Until he makes it loud and clear that he is madly in love with you, PLEASE start NC NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Yes he still cares about you - but not at the level a man does when he is deeply in love with someone.

 

He cares about you as a person. He would care if anything bad happened to you. That is ALL though.

 

He would not be acting this way he still had strong feelings for you.

 

 

 

Okay...

 

 

Did you not see the recent posts? I did go no contact until he started texting me saying he misses me.... so.. that changes the scenario.

 

Additionally, I get that you're trying to help me help myself, but I trust my therapist and my own instincts more. I understand and accept that there may not ever be a chance for us and I'm prepared to deal with this if it I'd the case.

 

Also, what he dies while we're not in a relationship is really none of by business. Hell, I love him but I've gone on some dates and been talking to other guys, too. It really doesn't change much....

[Leigh 87]

Okay, sorry, I did not read your recent posts.

 

And you should trust your therapist more than me lol.

 

I would still only give him once chance for him to declare his love for you. If he meets you and does not beg for you back, then I hope you see no point in continuing with him.

[swiftly333]

Hi guys...

 

I talked it over with my therapist twice, and took some time to really think about things. I have already written down what I want to say to him. It's along the lines of this:

 

I want to apologize for my response to your texts on Sunday and Monday. I was already upset (mothers day/finals) and I didn't respond in a way that was genuine. The truth is, I feel the same way. I'm doing a lot of great things for myself right now, but I also miss you everyday. I was just afraid to tell you that. But to not tell you wasn't me being true to myself. I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to say those things to me, and I should've respected that more. I should've been kinder.

 

....

 

but Im not sure where to go from there. Do I ask him if this means he'll give it a try. After he said he missed me a few times he also said he didn't think it would work. I asked him what his intentions were he said he doesn't know, he just feels like something is missing, but doesnt know if thats me, and that he misses what we had. I was just so thrown off. That's not the "I miss you and I want to work on this" I wanted to hear - which is why I responded so cold.

 

 

 

I plan on calling him tomorrow after my last exam. Its driving me crazy trying to wait!

[ohaimark]

Best of luck, just make sure you and he want the same thing (which I guess for you is a new relationship with him.) Again, just be sure he's not using you in any way, and this is important, but you both have to make a strong effort to rectify the problems that caused the past breakup, and tell him that (because if you're gonna split again, what's the point?) Stay strong, but if this is really want you want, go for it!

 

And be sure you focus on the exam, your school/work is still critically important. And if you're feeling bummed if you didn't do well on the test, wait a bit to call. You don't want to sound completely down when you talk to him.

 

Best of luck with your exam and the call, let us know how it goes! (I'm making a first contact post-split call this weekend myself, I'm rooting for you!)

Edited May 16, 2013 by ohaimark

[swiftly333]

Best of luck, just make sure you and he want the same thing (which I guess for you is a new relationship with him.) Again, just be sure he's not using you in any way, and this is important, but you both have to make a strong effort to rectify the problems that caused the past breakup, and tell him that (because if you're gonna split again, what's the point?) Stay strong, but if this is really want you want, go for it!

 

And be sure you focus on the exam, your school/work is still critically important. And if you're feeling bummed if you didn't do well on the test, wait a bit to call. You don't want to sound completely down when you talk to him.

 

Best of luck with your exam and the call, let us know how it goes! (I'm making a first contact post-split call this weekend myself, I'm rooting for you!)

 

 

Thanks ohaimark, I took some times off work and have been studying and finally feeling more focused today. I just decided to take a little break from all. I am feeling calm at the moment, but thanks for reminding me that I need to be calm when I call him. I guess I was just so focused on the time I was going to call and not the state of mind I need to be in!

 

Im really not sure what all his texts mean, and honestly Im reluctant to start thinking it means we can reconcile at this point. I mean, I miss you is nice, it's close, but I miss you doesn't mean he's going to want to do anything about it! I wished people didn't play games and would just say what they want to say! I will definitely update! (LS is the place I come to to talk about all this so I dont piss all my friends and family off with my insanity about him, hahah!)

 

Anyways, Thanks for the well wishes and goodluck on your veture as well. I hope all goes well!