How to Focus on Yourself (Deciding Not to Date)

[shiver23]

Hey guys. I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on how to remain single and be okay with it. I went through a mutual breakup (see These Times/These Times Part Deux) and right now I'll be moving in a few months to the city (which is two hours away). I've gone down the multi-date/ONS road (I don't regret it, it taught me some things) but I don't want that again. What do you guys do when you aren't pursuing dating?

 

Lately, I've been posting here, and catching up with my TV shows. I deactivated my POF profile entirely to prevent temptation and I've been trying to keep in contact with my friends (they all live at least 2 hours away). It's rather hard not having a social life, but I don't want to date just to date, and my two years in university are going to be pretty intensive.

 

So, thoughts?

 

How do you keep yourself from pursuing something that you know will be short-lived? Part of me really wants to date again, but I know it's the implusive side of me. I've had multiple guys flirt with me at work, but I haven't responded because of my situation. *sigh* I'm kind of at a hard place right now, but I know I'm only lonely temporarily.

[Phoe]

I'm focusing on myself as well...

 

I don't know if I'll be much help, as it's really difficult to explain, but it's really all a state of mind. You have to WANT it.

 

Right now you're still kinda iffy on it, and that's normal. Keep telling yourself that you want to focus on yourself. BE HAPPY. Even if you're not happy, fake it, force yourself to not be down. CHOOSE to be happy. I know it sounds crazy, but just keep telling yourself over and over. Tell yourself every day. You'll soon start to believe it. It'll become real.

 

It's a process that you must commit to

[shiver23]

You are right Phoe. I think I'm headed off to watch some Supernatural. Sometimes being on here reminds me more of the fact that I'm single than I'm willing to admit. #tryingtocommit

[shiver23]

Hey guys, just having a rough day today. I don't know what really to say other than I've been trying to keep myself busy with work, and I've really felt the urge to go out and find someone to date. People say do what makes you happy, and being in a relationship makes me happy... I know it's screwed up logic, and I still need to heal, but I just feel sooo lonely and have a lot of wanderlust. I miss everything about being in a relationship with my ex. I know I can't complain, I was never cheated on, and we ended it pretty smoothly compared to most people, but I still feel this way... I don't know what to do.

 

I would beg my ex to take me back, but that's not what a mature girl does. I don't want that to be his view of me. I can handle single-dom, but the adjusting period is hell. I miss sex A LOT too...and already have had offers from a man I went out with previously. I don't want to cheapen myself though, and I feel so conflicted... sorry if I'm ranting. Is there anything to do to make myself feel better? I've already bought a few things to help me get past this (Supernatural on Blu-ray, a few Disney movies, a few books *all things I intended to get eventually*).

 

I just feel desperate. I hate that. I'm usually fairly composed.

[shiver23]

*bumps thread*

[pie2]

I'm sorry for your pain, shiver .

 

I think taking the focus off of yourself would actually make things easier. Fill your time with activities about others. Volunteer. Throw a party for a friend. Buy someone a present. Go to church.

 

You can help someone out while getting your mind off yourself, and the pain.

 

The pain will pass...I just hope it passes sooner rather than later!

[shiver23]

I'm sorry for your pain, shiver .

 

I think taking the focus off of yourself would actually make things easier. Fill your time with activities about others. Volunteer. Throw a party for a friend. Buy someone a present. Go to church.

 

You can help someone out while getting your mind off yourself, and the pain.

 

The pain will pass...I just hope it passes sooner rather than later!

 

Thank you for replying. Unfortunately, I live in a miniscule country town (literally more people are employed in a shopping mall than live here). I'm stuck with my parents until September. My friends are all at least 2 hours away, and I don't have anything except work (9-6/5 days a week) to keep me busy. My dad is *ironically* the pastor at the church, but I'm far from a believer.

 

I feel so lost... My ex was the one social outing I had. I visited him every weekend for the past year (with a few exceptions of course). Without him, my social life is back to zero. I went to see Iron Man 3 by myself on Friday night in the city that's about 45 minutes away...the movie was great, but the drive home just enforced how alone I feel.

 

I would join POF just for ****s and giggles, but I'm trying to be a better woman now (be the person your future mate wants to meet).

[pie2]

Ugh, your situation sounds very hard! You're so isolated . I know it's hard to see, but each day that passes, well...you are becoming the woman that you're meant to be (someone-very-lucky's future mate).

 

If you can drive 45 min (is that an hour and a half round trip?) to see Iron Man (I hope it was good !), I know you have lots of determination in you. If you set your mind to something, I have a feeling that you'll be able to get it done .

[shiver23]

Ugh, your situation sounds very hard! You're so isolated . I know it's hard to see, but each day that passes, well...you are becoming the woman that you're meant to be (someone-very-lucky's future mate).

 

If you can drive 45 min (is that an hour and a half round trip?) to see Iron Man (I hope it was good !), I know you have lots of determination in you. If you set your mind to something, I have a feeling that you'll be able to get it done .

 

Thank you... I'm tempted to just join OK Cupid for a few days just to see if I'd get any contact. Is that just ego boosting for me?

 

You're right though, I am pretty isolated. I drove an hour and 15 minutes to my ex's house (2 1/2 hour round trip). It's not a huge deal out here to me to drive, but if I talk tell people in cities about it, they are pretty surprised. I took it as just a price I had to pay for finding someone that amazing on a place like POF. Lightning doesn't strike twice (often).

[Damaged23]

I read your posts and it sounds exactly like me. I really wanna be single for a while, get "me" back, I don't want to date just to date, but i must say i dont enjoy being single, at times. I miss the sex as well, but i'm not interested in a **** buddy. I guess I don't know how to be alone. :/

[shiver23]

I read your posts and it sounds exactly like me. I really wanna be single for a while, get "me" back, I don't want to date just to date, but i must say i dont enjoy being single, at times. I miss the sex as well, but i'm not interested in a **** buddy. I guess I don't know how to be alone. :/

 

Thanks for reading, and I completely empathise with the bolded text. I guess it's a learning process, and I'm working on remembering why I actually enjoy being single (no extra money spent on someone else, a LOT of free time). I'm planning a solo hiking trip in the mountains this summer, and visiting a friend who lives 4 hours away.

 

I used to be really comfortable with being alone, and I still am an introvert, I just think the adjustment after a year of having someone is going to be a slower process than I'm used to. I actually deactivated my OK Cupid profile (YAY! Willpower!) because as much as I'd like to say: "I'm fine! Everything is sunshine!! ---- I'm not. It hurts, and I keep daydreaming of him. It'll fade though, and I know I'm capable of loving again.

 

I don't honestly know how much longer I'll be around LS, because it DOES remind me of how tough breakups are, but I thank everyone who has given me advice/encouragement.

[sharkbite]

hey, its rough as hell....I'm going througha break up, (relationship lasted 8 months officially) and has been over since november. I'm heartbroken and when i go on the dating site I feel like people are so different from me, what they want and how the talk. It honestly gets to me, but same as you...I try to do it as a confidence boost but have never met with anyone (not that i wouldn't, just no one worth meeting yet) I constantly debate sticking to being single .....but on the other hand I question if i'm just being dramatic about the breakup (I took it very hard, she believes it was mutual) just like you....I act like everything is sunshine and rainbows on the dating sites when really.....I know i'm not over her and would that be fair to the next girl who came into my life?.

 

after writing this i realize i probably didn't answer any of your questions and at the same time maybe left a few new ones on the table, but.....I'm always here to talk.

 

btw, i found it funny your dad being a pastor and you not believing haha just a little amusing (no offense)

be well-shark (25/male)

[Eternal Sunshine]

I focus on my career and family, I watch movies and I feel content.

 

But then, I am the type that doesn't enjoy being in a relationship. If society and my parents didn't promote this idea that being in a relationship and getting married is the "normal" thing for people to do, I would never enter a relationship again.

[todreaminblue]

Hey guys. I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on how to remain single and be okay with it. I went through a mutual breakup (see These Times/These Times Part Deux) and right now I'll be moving in a few months to the city (which is two hours away). I've gone down the multi-date/ONS road (I don't regret it, it taught me some things) but I don't want that again. What do you guys do when you aren't pursuing dating?

 

Lately, I've been posting here, and catching up with my TV shows. I deactivated my POF profile entirely to prevent temptation and I've been trying to keep in contact with my friends (they all live at least 2 hours away). It's rather hard not having a social life, but I don't want to date just to date, and my two years in university are going to be pretty intensive.

 

So, thoughts?

 

How do you keep yourself from pursuing something that you know will be short-lived? Part of me really wants to date again, but I know it's the implusive side of me. I've had multiple guys flirt with me at work, but I haven't responded because of my situation. *sigh* I'm kind of at a hard place right now, but I know I'm only lonely temporarily.

 

 

I would rather be single than with the wrong person for me, I am ready to date its been a while....years........i feel that i can handle the lows...that to me is what is important.....is when i know i can and will be able to go through it again...anyone can handle the rainbows....its the storms that break overhead when you aren't expecting it.... I have my gum boots on ready for some splashes........bring it....i am not going out with someone just for the sake of it...if they touch my heart..not so easy to do...then its a go......).....yeah ok scared crapless.......but still smilin...good luck to you i wish you happiness in the person you do end up dating...cause it will happen.....:bunny:.deb

[SpiralOut]

I'm very hobby-focused and always have personal projects on the go, which keeps me busy. When I was focusing on myself, I had to keep telling myself that not only am I doing it for me, but for my future boyfriend. (Mostly I was just doing it for me though). My next relationship will be better because of my self-improvements. When you are at your best, you'll attract higher quality people. When you have confidence, you'll handle a relationship better. Consider this time to be an investment.

Edited May 12, 2013 by SpiralOut

[skydiveaddict]

Hey guys. I'm wondering if anyone has any tips on how to remain single and be okay with it. .

 

Start skydiving

[happydate]

Hey guys, just having a rough day today. I don't know what really to say other than I've been trying to keep myself busy with work, and I've really felt the urge to go out and find someone to date. People say do what makes you happy, and being in a relationship makes me happy... I know it's screwed up logic, and I still need to heal, but I just feel sooo lonely and have a lot of wanderlust. I miss everything about being in a relationship with my ex. I know I can't complain, I was never cheated on, and we ended it pretty smoothly compared to most people, but I still feel this way... I don't know what to do.

 

I would beg my ex to take me back, but that's not what a mature girl does. I don't want that to be his view of me. I can handle single-dom, but the adjusting period is hell. I miss sex A LOT too...and already have had offers from a man I went out with previously. I don't want to cheapen myself though, and I feel so conflicted... sorry if I'm ranting. Is there anything to do to make myself feel better? I've already bought a few things to help me get past this (Supernatural on Blu-ray, a few Disney movies, a few books *all things I intended to get eventually*).

 

I just feel desperate. I hate that. I'm usually fairly composed.

 

Well, speaking candidly. I am a man and yes, I recently got dumped by a woman who actually fits your profile, but then I knew what I was getting into. She just couldn't be alone and missed the sex a lot. Believe me, I missed her a lot too, especially the sex in the shower, hot tub etc and we were screwing like wabbits! You know what I mean!

 

We were having strictly unprotected sex and she loved it.. It's how she felt intimate. It happens when you feel lonely and desperate, as least on her to keep hanging me on to her. She never got over her oneitis with her ex-husband and used men from work and POF for sex, including me. Then of course later I found out that she had sex with them all unprotected while she's on BC. She left me back to her ex-husband. I hope she finds happiness there.

 

If you want to address this issue of yours, start by looking at your own relationship with your dad first. Sometimes, the loath and hunger you seek in a man is due to the fact that you didn't get any of that or more of so from your own dad. And that, you need an external source of love like a man to fulfill your own loving needs because your dad weren't always there for you. When a woman has a loving and nurturing father figure that gives her girl the love, support and affection she deserves, that woman becomes self-confident, self-loving and warm and equally affectionate. You can be that woman.

Edited May 13, 2013 by happydate