"Saving" the married person

[cocorico]

On another thread reference was made to OW who feel they are "saving" their MM (and, presumably, the same applies to OM and MW) and how "unattractive" someone who has been / is being abused in a R is. As a fOW whose fMM fell into the category that was being written off, I found the assumptions in that thread completely foreign, and was interested in the views of others who are or have been in a similar situation.

 

For those APs whose MPs are (or were) in unhappy / toxic / abusive Rs:

 

* Do (or did) you feel you were "saving" them? Why?

 

* Were you turned on, or turned off, by the realisation that they were abused / trapped / chronically unhappy, or was that not a material consideration?

 

* Do you have a history of "rescuing" others? What do you think underlies that?

 

* Do you generally understand, or have sympathy with, people who are in abusive / toxic Rs / are subject to chronic gas lighting ? Did this affect your attraction to, and ability to empathise with, your MP?

[cocorico]

For myself:

 

* Do (or did) you feel you were "saving" them? Why?

 

Not remotely. The R was initially about sex. He claimed he was happily M, and he claimed his intention was to stay M. There was no hint of "unhappy M".

 

It was only later, when we repurposed the A and became more integrated into each other's lives, that I found out about the truth of his R from others. He was in denial about how bad it was. But the dissonance between a loving R - as we had - and his M drove him to seek counselling and support to deal with the issues. I was not involved in "saving him" - he did that himself.

 

* Were you turned on, or turned off, by the realisation that they were abused / trapped / chronically unhappy, or was that not a material consideration?

 

It was not a material consideration. All kinds of people find themselves in abusive situations. I thought no less of him for having become a victim (at an early age) of a toxic partner, and I gained a great deal of respect for him for the way he was able to confront the issues that led to, and kept, him in that situation, and overcome them.

 

* Do you have a history of "rescuing" others? What do you think underlies that?

 

I have no such history. I tend to avoid baggage of any kind. I have low levels of tolerance for those who blame others / FOO / their histories / anything outside of themselves / etc for their own inability to be living the life they would like to be living. I'm all about making it happen, of you want it.

 

* Do you generally understand, or have sympathy with, people who are in abusive / toxic Rs / are subject to chronic gas lighting ? Did this affect your attraction to, and ability to empathise with, your MP?

 

I worked in gender-based / intimate violence for several years, and studied what was then known as "battered woman syndrome" (now "battered person syndrome") and had some professional expertise in the field. This did allow me to recognise the dynamic, and to have empathy for, e.g., the kind of "Stockholm syndrome" that the abused often develop towards their abusers, as well as the disturbed views they develop,as a result of the chronic gas lighting.

 

It also allowed me to recognise the importance of agency, and how necessary it was for him to fix it himself, rather than to be further disempowered by another bossy woman taking charge. Which suited the way I would have wanted to play it anyway - if he wanted to be with me, he needed to,earn his place.

[RickFox]

On another thread reference was made to OW who feel they are "saving" their MM (and, presumably, the same applies to OM and MW) and how "unattractive" someone who has been / is being abused in a R is. As a fOW whose fMM fell into the category that was being written off, I found the assumptions in that thread completely foreign, and was interested in the views of others who are or have been in a similar situation.

 

For those APs whose MPs are (or were) in unhappy / toxic / abusive Rs:

 

* Do (or did) you feel you were "saving" them? Why? As we got more attracted to each other yes. I saw how he treated her, how he would joke with xmw and call her ugly or tell her she was a douche but do it with a smile as that was supposed to take the 'bite' off. I saw how he came home and distanced himself, got on his computer checked out or used his only day off to go play paint ball with his friends for hours at a time rather than spend it with her. The day the A started, I asked her if he ever hit her. She looked down at the ground and said he did when they first got married, she was 19 at the time but that he hadn't and now just yelled alot. I guess I thought I could be the hero.

 

* Were you turned on, or turned off, by the realisation that they were abused / trapped / chronically unhappy, or was that not a material consideration? Neither, it simply bothered me as I don't like abusers in any form or fashion.

 

* Do you have a history of "rescuing" others? What do you think underlies that? I don't have a history of it per se', but Im in a field where its part and parcel so I guess I thought I could do it outside of my job as well.

 

* Do you generally understand, or have sympathy with, people who are in abusive / toxic Rs / are subject to chronic gas lighting ? Did this affect your attraction to, and ability to empathise with, your MP?

My sympathy only goes so far as I've been in my job where I see it over and over again and the excuses given time after time for the continued behavior. I don't believe it affected my attraction, just thought I was the good guy and could save the poor women of a not so good home life. Turns out, it must not be that bad.

[White Flower]

I do have a history of improving everything. I have a photo album of before and after projects, so I do like to fix things and see my accomplishments. A good friend of mine told me that I was trying to fix xMM and I began to back off. He has been on his own fixing himself ever since, and he won't be coming back into my life until he is complete. Lesson learned.

[who_am_i]

xMM always just seemed so indifferent about things at home and made me feel as though I was one of the few things in his life that he had to look forward to. I never thought I was saving him by spending time with him, though it did almost give the relationship purpose. I enjoyed that I gave times of pleasure and happiness that seemed so few and far between for him. I thought he was such a great guy and he deserved so much more. I guess in some twisted way I found it rewarding. But save...I don't think so.

 

I'd just like to PS this with this is how the relationship felt during the affair. I can now see it wasn't much like this at all.

[spice4life]

On another thread reference was made to OW who feel they are "saving" their MM (and, presumably, the same applies to OM and MW) and how "unattractive" someone who has been / is being abused in a R is. As a fOW whose fMM fell into the category that was being written off, I found the assumptions in that thread completely foreign, and was interested in the views of others who are or have been in a similar situation.

 

For those APs whose MPs are (or were) in unhappy / toxic / abusive Rs:

 

* Do (or did) you feel you were "saving" them? Why?

 

* Were you turned on, or turned off, by the realisation that they were abused / trapped / chronically unhappy, or was that not a material consideration?

 

* Do you have a history of "rescuing" others? What do you think underlies that?

 

* Do you generally understand, or have sympathy with, people who are in abusive / toxic Rs / are subject to chronic gas lighting ? Did this affect your attraction to, and ability to empathise with, your MP?

 

I don't know what my xMM's relationship was with his wife, but if he were in that type of relationship I would definitely have empathy. I would not play the roll of rescuer though because I know that's not healthy for me and is very dysfunctional. I would provide insights based on my observations and encourage the person seek help to learn why they are allowing themselves to be treated that way. If they found the courage to do so and were taking the steps to free themself from the toxic relationship I would support their efforts 100%. If they chose to accept living in an abusive situation I would detach with compassion and hope and pray they would findly see they didn't have to live that way. This is strictly hypothetical as to how I would handle the situation.