Can I help? or should I walk?

[Crux-]

My story sounds it’s out of a book, which was supposed to have a happy ending. After high school before I went to university I dated my high school sweet heart. We were best friends until I wanted something more. She was going through a abusive relationship in which I tried to help her out. We started living together, but it seemed she could not shake this guy in her life. Long story short I moved out and she left with another guy.

 

A year after she called me to go to her wedding I said No. She even called me on her wedding night I just refused to take the call.

 

Three years ago she called me again, this time I took the call. She told me that she was in another abusive relationship and had two children. I told her how much I missed her and I would help her get out of the situation. I took a year off school and started a relationship with her.

 

It was hell trying to get her away from this abusive guy. Half-way through the divorce I went back to school for my MA. It was hard managing school and her divorce issues and constant emotional breakdowns.

 

Two weeks ago, a month after the divorce was finalized, I started to catch her in a number of lies, she was dating her new neighbor while I was in a different city at school. I approached a number of times but she always side step the issue telling me they we just friends. I finally there was to much evidence for me to ignore. Her going over to the neighbours until 3 a.m , telling her I am not cool with that and the same day going to the beach with him. Calling her one night when I was going out with my friends after her saying that she was going to bed and the neighbours dialing out on her phone while I am calling through and (my breaking point) phone calls on her cell to the neighbour in the mornings on her way to work when I am at her apt.

 

I blew the night I found the calls on the cell phone. Told her she betrayed me again, she was weak, could not live without a man and that she was just her old self. The next night I apologized, thinking that the Stress of my MA being away and her recent divorce, her grandmother dieing and being pressured by her family to marry her final got to me.

 

She told me that she needed a break, It was my fault I choose a school so far away, I was not letting her be free, that maybe when I was done my school we could maybe get back together (8 months and a very good paying job), that there was no intimate relationship with her neighbor and if something did happen in the future she would not stop it. The remaining couple of weeks have been hell for me,

 

She asked me to be her best friend and take out her kids. I told her I could not be best friends and I would not take-out her children while she dated other guys. A day after this conversation she took off on vacation with her neighbor. ......

 

I have had a horrible time letting her go. She came back on from vacation with her neighbour and told me that they were just friends. I honestly cried like someone died in my life when they left and I went back to finish my MA.

 

Since then I have talked to her parents, first it was because they wonder were their daughter went and with whom? Then it was because I needed the truth about this guy. I am really close with her family and her brother is my good friend (use to hang-out alot ).

 

I talked to her after her vacation and she told me that her and the neighbour were just freinds and she wanted me to continue my friendship with her for herself and the kids. I love her kids and before this happened, her 5yr-old son asked me a number of times if I was going to marry his mom. (I returned the ring)

 

I could not do what she asked of me..I tried to be friends believing that she was not with this guy when she was with me and was not with him now.

 

Her friend told me to hold onto her love and wait until I am done school and there would be a good chance that she will be with me. I tried but I knew all along that she was lieing to me and on top of it all making me feel guilty. The at 1st taking my MA, 2nd not being able to be there for her and her kids.

 

I came home this weekend and was hanging out with her brother. (to find out that she was telling everyone that she was not with this guy). I lost it...I new she was lying but could not prove it (every time I asked her I knew she was lying, she denied me the closer, Which I needed to move on with my life.. So I went into her e-mail and took a letter dated before my last log in.

 

The letter said that she was falling in love with the neighbour and it was clear that they have had a relationship for awhile. I attached the e-mail and a letter to her car (while the neighbour walked out of her apt).

 

I am happy I did it,although,I feel horrible for the way I got the truth.

 

I love her family but most of all I love her kids, This guy she is with has a son who is 3 yrs older then her first son and he got a girl pregnant and the girls parents took her and her unborn away and he is an avid drug user.

 

My questions are?

 

What can I do ?

Is walking away the best I can do for her and the kids?

She is running scared of her family and me for catching her in this lie.

Should I write her family a letter explaining my concern for her and her children?

I could not tell them face to face.

Should I end or put on hold my friendship with her brother?

Is there anything I can do?

I do not want her kind of hurt in my life and do not want her back but I cannot help but be concerned for her and her children...

[SoleMate]

Ouch, such a painful story. You sound like a truly devoted person who has been enabling this very troubled woman for years, at a high personal cost to yourself.

 

What can I do ?

Take care of yourself now. That is your Job #1.

 

Is walking away the best I can do for her and the kids?

Yes, I believe so. Unless you are planning to carry this woman through life for the next twenty years, it is better to end every contact sooner than later.

 

Should I write her family a letter explaining my concern for her and her children?

Hard to see the point. Surely her family understands her troubled life. A letter just prolongs your interaction. I understand your empathy for the children, and even for her, but I suspect that the family already has all the information that they need or are able to use. Unless you have specific, essential information, like clear and present danger to the children, you should not write this letter. And if you know that the children are in specific, severe danger, go talk to Child Protective Services. You can do this without your name being revealed.

 

Should I end or put on hold my friendship with her brother?

I would distance myself from him unless he is a close friend independent of your ex.

 

Is there anything I can do?

Repeat at full voice: "I am not her savior. She must lead her own life. I have my own life to live." And then maybe go volunteer with Big Brothers or something like that, so you can use those nurturing instincts in a place where they are really needed and won't impose huge costs on you.

[Crux-]

Thank-you for your advice....

 

Your right... I cannot carry her throughout her entire life and as hard as it is I have to let go....

It is nice to see that there are still caring people out there besides my close friends.

 

I think this forum does alot of good and I have recommended to alot of my friends.

 

Again thank-you

I can not tell you how much I appreciate hearing a different perspective on my situation.