A rerequest of friendship on Facebook

[underwater2010]

So on DDay, I had my husband delete any women that were friends with message that were flirty. IE twat ticklers messages, beautiful pics, an ex girlfriend and just overall flirty tones.

 

 

On May 1st, while checking his old email that was associated with his facebook account (sad I know, but I don't trust 100% yet) I found a friendship request from one of those women. And he accepted but hid it on his timeline.

 

Now the dilemma....Do I bring it up or continue to track to see what happens?

She was not the one he had an affair with, but the messages made me very uncomfortable. Both messaging with XOXO. And I don't remember if I called him out on her with reason. Help me out please.

[Decorative]

So on DDay, I had my husband delete any women that were friends with message that were flirty. IE twat ticklers messages, beautiful pics, an ex girlfriend and just overall flirty tones.

 

 

On May 1st, while checking his old email that was associated with his facebook account (sad I know, but I don't trust 100% yet) I found a friendship request from one of those women. And he accepted but hid it on his timeline.

 

Now the dilemma....Do I bring it up or continue to track to see what happens?

She was not the one he had an affair with, but the messages made me very uncomfortable. Both messaging with XOXO. And I don't remember if I called him out on her with reason. Help me out please.

 

He better have one heck of a reason for accepting and then hiding. The hiding shows he knows it is wrong.

[mammasita]

Say something. You are in the right to not trust him right now, and honestly he's betraying your trust....AGAIN.

 

Why hide the friendship on his timeline if he's truly trying to repair your marriage?

 

I know its much easier for me to say this than for someone in the situation to do, but I would rethink staying in the marriage.

[dichotomy]

If you can find a way to mention it - without letting him know you can check his old emails (I assume you have a password?).

 

I hate to say this - but it is obvious you need to be able to continue to check on him. Do you have access to his FB? Or...maybe depending on how bad the initial message was - you could see how far he runs on the leash with this new "friend".

[Snowflower]

underwater, this sucks! I don't know your backstory or how long ago your d-day was, but the fact that you have to deal with sneakiness in any way from your H is sickening. :sick:

 

If you can, keep quiet about your discovery and watch him closely for a little while. See if he says anything about the FB friend or mentions her. Try to act normal and "trusting."

 

If you're like me, the first time around you missed all the clues because you trusted him. Now you know better. I would watch him as much as I could but act completely naive. If he is doing something wrong, his sheer arrogance/stupidity about the entire situation may give you some more clues.

 

In other words, give him some rope to hang himself with, lol!

 

OTOH, maybe he will be honest with you about the FB friend.

 

((hugs to you))

[underwater2010]

The original messages date back to his affair time. Where I think he was throwing crap and seeing what would stick. What made me uncomfortable was "You need to stop posting such beautiful pics of yourself and the XOXOX". I have all passwords. Originally I had changed his facebook settings to be sent to my email. He noticed and I played it off knowing where his activity notifications would be sent. Once I noticed the notification of request for friendship from this woman, I changed his email password to something I only know. So he cannot delete the notifications before I find them.

 

I also have his facebook password so I can check on him. I just don't want to go there again.

 

Sorry Rambling.....

 

I am tempted to see where this goes, but I am already hurt about this.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Do NOT say anything! Knowledge is power! Keep completely quiet and keep your eyes and ears open. Something I wish I had done initially. Underwater, I don't know your story offhand but it's possible you are dealing with a serial cheater, sex addict, love addict, whatever ... but you need that information. Keep collecting it.

[underwater2010]

testing the signature line for basic info

[klotzak]

Pack a bag for him, leave it out and then sit him down to 'chat'. Ask politely if there's anything you should know, illicit it from him if possible, but be firm...you'll need a fairly hard gameface.

If he comes clean, again get him to give you reasons why you should even trust him near you.

If he doesn't come clean ask him to pick up the bag and make arrangements for somewhere else to stay, and then let him have it.

You, as a decent human being, deserve so much more than this. If he lies to you then I'm afraid the writing is on the wall, it's just wether you want to read it.

Walk with dignity, you are not at fault here, you did not cause this, you are the victim of selfish unacceptable behaviour.

The emotional rollercoaster ride, I'm afraid, is just about to begin. You have given him the one chance he should have got, he may well now have blown it......dignity is free, the route to it though is expensive emotionally.

[underwater2010]

I think I am a little on edge for the following reasons all of which were present during the affair:

 

1. Recent job loss for him but he just started a new job.

2. Long hours at the my serving job due to lack of help and needing the extra money.

3. Lack of sexual wants from him (maybe stress related). If I initiate all is good.

4. He is not waiting up for me anymore to get home.

 

Of course I am not feeling all that sexy. The affair crap just sucks!!!

[klotzak]

I think I am a little on edge for the following reasons all of which were present during the affair:

 

1. Recent job loss for him but he just started a new job.

2. Long hours at the my serving job due to lack of help and needing the extra money.

3. Lack of sexual wants from him (maybe stress related). If I initiate all is good.

4. He is not waiting up for me anymore to get home.

 

Of course I am not feeling all that sexy. The affair crap just sucks!!!

 

I get the 4 points you raise above, but it's a bit like smoke and mirrors. If he's acting deviously by hiding friends etc, then I'd be suspicious.

I go off sex every now and then, so he's not unique there, and he may well be tired at night. BUT, it is him that needs to be making all the effort now, he's the one that has the second chance, and now he's the one that is skulking round with this 'secretive' new friendship.

Don't be a doormat, be the door person here. If he's misbehaving nail him, if the reasons he has are genuine for hiding this friendship then explain the 'red line' to him, and enforce it.

If I've learnt anything from life it's always illicit the answers, don't give them.

My wife didn't like a previous friend of mine on FB, she was my highschool girlfriend and this was now 12 years later. I broke of the friendship because my wife wanted me to, and if that's what it took that's what I did. I never went back and started it again.....I get the emotional security side of things and although it was totally innocent it was totally necessary to stop.

He is hiding this from you for a reason, don't take any rubbish from him get the answers from him....with the deterrant of his packed bag.

[worldgonewrong]

Both messaging with XOXO.

 

That's a bad, bad sign.

If he's not in affair mode with her now, it's headed there.

 

You need to define your limit.

Why are you holding onto a dishonest, squirrely guy?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Xoxo isn't great but it isn't necessarily an affair either. Wait and get ALL of the information, don't jump the gun.

[underwater2010]

I don't think it was an affair between them just a great example of poor boundaries on his part. Just to clarify this took place before his first and only affair to date. And no the affair was not with her.

 

It is showing a big flag in my eyes. There have been no messages since the request, but it is not a great time. It will be one year next month that I found out about the affair and in 5 more days till the 3 yr date of my dad passing. Lots of messages floating between him and MOW during that time.

 

I have decided to say something. His answer will determine if we continue or not. I forward all the previous messages that made me uncomfortable about this woman. I am awaiting his reaction.

[Spark1111]

I don't think it was an affair between them just a great example of poor boundaries on his part. Just to clarify this took place before his first and only affair to date. And no the affair was not with her.

 

It is showing a big flag in my eyes. There have been no messages since the request, but it is not a great time. It will be one year next month that I found out about the affair and in 5 more days till the 3 yr date of my dad passing. Lots of messages floating between him and MOW during that time.

 

I have decided to say something. His answer will determine if we continue or not. I forward all the previous messages that made me uncomfortable about this woman. I am awaiting his reaction.

 

How about a hypothetical, as in, I don't know what I would do if Fill in the blank wanted to be my friend on FB? I'd have to tell you about it, right? how do you think we should deal with these things if they come up in the future?

 

ball in his court.....and please don't tell me she added a tee hee to every other sentence?

[Steen719]

Oh crap, Underwater! Sorry. People don't hide something that doesn't need to be hidden. His boundaries are really blurred and I might be worried that this is part of his character. Much like my XH...just couldn't seem to do the right thing when it was obvious what was at stake.

Good luck and good wishes and hugs coming your way.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Follow your gut. As a former ow and a bs, I was suspicious that my husband had had some contact with his xow he wasn't telling me about. He deletes phone calls regularly and texts. I don't do that anymore - I have long histories of calls and texts until they get too much. Anyway, finally after I received a weird anonymous letter in the mail after I directed and produced a community theater production which said " it doesn't matter why you do you will always have a scarlet a on your chest", I showed him the letter and he immediately said it had to be my xomm's wife or his xow. And he said they were both manipulative (which they are). Anyway at that point the then admitted while I was out of town on a trip I up January that his xow called him and then showed up at his office the next day. Mind you he had not told me any of this and it was two months later. So my gut was right.

 

anyway, I sort of have been watching and just waiting to see if anything else popped up. He won't write her a no contact letter because he doesn't want anything in writing and when I asked if he had told her to never call again he said he had not.

 

I am just waiting to see what transpires, it will come out. I say you just keep watch - if there is more to uncover it will be exposed.

[whichwayisup]

He better have one heck of a reason for accepting and then hiding. The hiding shows he knows it is wrong.

 

I take it you're on his friends list? Is he aware that it'll come up in YOUR newsfeed, even though he's hidden it from his timeline?

 

That's how you let him know.

 

Say, hey do you have anything you'd like to tell me about facebook? I know, but I want you to tell me.

[whichwayisup]

Xoxo isn't great but it isn't necessarily an affair either. Wait and get ALL of the information, don't jump the gun.

 

No but it is totally inappropriate for a married man to talk to another woman online and put xoxoxox in the messages.

 

If you aren't ready to talk to him yet, just keep an eye on things, pay attention to his behaviour.

[ComingInHot]

take snap shots of what's on screen and save to a back up before he deletes. Then track it until he proves otherwise

 

Oo, oo, I did the crazy BW thing and responded to an "old friend" of his who'd been recently divorced on fb.

She now thinks he is "off" and De- friend ed him.

( happened a long time ago)

"I'm better now"*

[krazikat]

The original messages date back to his affair time. Where I think he was throwing crap and seeing what would stick. What made me uncomfortable was "You need to stop posting such beautiful pics of yourself and the XOXOX". I have all passwords. Originally I had changed his facebook settings to be sent to my email. He noticed and I played it off knowing where his activity notifications would be sent. Once I noticed the notification of request for friendship from this woman, I changed his email password to something I only know. So he cannot delete the notifications before I find them.

 

I also have his facebook password so I can check on him. I just don't want to go there again.

 

Sorry Rambling.....

 

I am tempted to see where this goes, but I am already hurt about this.

 

Oh yes, keep this to yourself. Do you know how to go in to facebook and see his activity and searches? And posts he has hidden?

 

I

[LoveBitesButSoDoI]

Why confront him now? I say gather more evidence. If he's hiding stuff from you again now, he's just going to hide, deny, and gaslight when you confront him. The spy in me says, you should create a fake page, add him & see if he pulls the same accept & hide bullsh*t. Then you have double the proof.

 

How do some of you betrayed spouses continue to live this way? I couldn't do it. Too exhausting for me. To be quite frank, if my husband cheated on me, there would be no more Facebooking for him or he would be more than welcome to see his way out the door.

 

When my ex-bf cheated on me years ago, I made ridiculous demands after we reconciled and rightfully so, don't be afraid to do the same.

Edited May 4, 2013 by LoveBitesButSoDoI

[jnel921]

Facebook is trouble...I wrote a whole post on it a while back....inappropriate messages, having to confront a woman who want to meet with my H. I nipped it in the bud, however it didn't stop my H from moving forward and cheating on me some time later.

 

Those are the red flags. The only XOXO's he should be giving is to you. You need to be careful.

[underwater2010]

So we talked. She is gone again. Turns out that I never told him why I did not like his conversations with her. He figured that his explanation of being friends and her dating his friend was enough. I forwarded all the messages from the past and had him read through them. He gets it now. He deleted her right away.

 

He never said why to her and now she sent another request. We will see what happens now.

[Praying4Peace]

What did he say about the fact that he deleted the info from his timeline? Why would you do that if you didn't think it was shady?

 

Also- when you unfriend someone, they are not notified. You only notice if you look to see if you're connected. That means she's noticing and sent another request. If some random guy defriended me I'd leave it at that.

 

Maybe she's after HIM.

 

As a former MOW to a guy who would lie even if the evidence was in front of his face- be careful. Unfortunately once a person gets comfortable lying it becomes like a hidden talent.

 

Take care, I'm sorry you have to worry.