Author underwater2010 Posted May 5, 2013 Author Share Posted May 5, 2013 My guess is that she was enjoying the compliments. And yes he had poor boundaries. That is our work in progress right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 If he did not know how you felt, how did he explain hiding it? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 This is yet another example of WS continuing to gaslight. They say they didn't understand. Or misunderstood. Oh? That's wrong? Flirty messages are wrong, oh sure I can see that now. After your DDay, you deleted any of his FB friends tht made you uncomfortable. Because clearly, your husband had a boundary problem...called infidelity. So he adds one of those friends back and hides it from you. And now says, Ohhhhh. Yes, you're right, now that you explain it, I see this is wrong . Darned my boundary problem, Duh! No doll. He understood completely all along what he was doing. That time and this time. During reconciliation, being the marriage police can be an effective temporary tool to get back on track and rebuild trust thru verification. But don't let him make you think any of it is because he doesn't understand or you haven't explained enough. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author underwater2010 Posted May 6, 2013 Author Share Posted May 6, 2013 underwater, I'm sorry to say this, but you have children, right. Your husband is acting just like a child with their hand in the cookie jar that gets caught. You know how that kid will look you right in the eye and say but I didn't know I couldn't have a cookie now. Yes.........mom knows that kid is lying through their sweet little teeth, but that tell you that anyway, hoping the punishment won't be as severe. Your husband is no different that than child. He knows underwater, he so frickin knows better. Don't let him sell you that bs that he doesn't! Thanks. I really take what you have to say to heart. The positive side of all of this is that all communication with the previous women that made me uncomfortable all took place prior to DDay. And although we can all agree that he knew the "talk" was wrong, it did not change any in way until DDay. He had always been friendly and a little flirty since the day I married him. So for him to change that since DDay is a huge step in the right direction. He did apologize profusely and removed her right away. He DID NOT even fight me on it. I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt because I truly feel that she lost in the confusion of DDay. It was a small step backward, but I believe that we both handled it well. All in all he has done great during R at proving his commitment to me and our family. Thank you all for the responses. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted May 6, 2013 Share Posted May 6, 2013 I appreciate, respect, and support your decision to keep working together to rebuild your marriage. You need to tell him clearly that pleading ignorance or misunderstanding will not be tolerated and that he should know up front that anything like this will be treated as betrayal. And that's not being mean, it's doing the work, and being crystal clear. The stove is hot. See, it burned you. It will next time too. Think about it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 So we talked. She is gone again. Turns out that I never told him why I did not like his conversations with her. He figured that his explanation of being friends and her dating his friend was enough. I forwarded all the messages from the past and had him read through them. He gets it now. He deleted her right away. He never said why to her and now she sent another request. We will see what happens now. See, he should tell her why. To just up and delete her (and now she's sent another request) isn't cool either as it'll just make her feel crazy and she'll react. He needs to just say "the talking and flirting is inappropriate and so disrespectful to my wife." He gets it, but this chick may not disappear if she is into him and felt like there was hope for something else. I assume he may have made it seem like he was interested in her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 I appreciate, respect, and support your decision to keep working together to rebuild your marriage. You need to tell him clearly that pleading ignorance or misunderstanding will not be tolerated and that he should know up front that anything like this will be treated as betrayal. And that's not being mean, it's doing the work, and being crystal clear. The stove is hot. See, it burned you. It will next time too. Think about it. I agree. HE needs to learn some boundries with women. And, he needs to check his ego. Having women flirty and be into him does feed his ego and this is something he has to deal with and refocus it into you and not be selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted May 7, 2013 Share Posted May 7, 2013 I found a friendship request from one of those women. And he accepted but hid it on his timeline.Time to come down hard. He's betrayed your trust yet again If there are no negative consequences, he won't change. It's human nature. Link to post Share on other sites
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