Emilie White Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 Hello everyone I have a little bit of a complicated story but please bear with me, I really need your advice! I have been backpacking through asia for 4 months now, and I met my (thai) boyfriend in my 3rd week of backpacking. We had a great time together for a couple weeks when I stayed with him but after those weeks I went to travel on for over a month, but I would come back afterwards. We skyped almost everyday and sent messages on facebook. He promised me that he would not have any girl, since his porn would suffice haha. When I came back we met up and went travelling together for a week, and he met my father and his new family who also live in thailand. After that I stayed with him until he had to go into the army a couple of days ago. Now the problem: When we were travelling he used my ipod to go onto facebook, and one time when he was still loged in and out of the room a message from a girl popped up. He had been telling some things before about how he had met other foreign girls before but since they were travelling and only wanted sex they wanted to remain only friends, which broke his heart many times. This was a foreign girl too, but I didn't look through the messages though. Some days later he told me there was a girl who he had met just a short time before he had met me who he wanted to be his girlfriend. She said no and went on travelling. Now she regretted it and she wanted to go back to him but he told me he loved me already and told her it was impossible. Some days later another message from this foreign girl appeared and I was wondering if she was the one he talked about. I read through the messages, and the last ones did say that they are only good friends, but also that he misses her and wants to see her again. But when I looked at older messages I saw some flirty messages and messages about him telling her he wants to have sex with her and see her on skype and hug her because he misses here. These messages date from the time I was travelling abroad. I confronted him about it, told him those type of messages were not ok at all. He said he just wanted to figure out if she had been in a relationship at the time (just some days) when she was with him and thus replied all of HER flirty messages with flirty messages he didn't really mean just to stay in contact and try to get information out of her. When I told him I was really hurt he told me he would not do it again and told me not to look at the messages anymore, because it would only hurt me further and then defriended her. I also saw some messages from other foreign girls but only looked at the last few text. Some said thing like ' I miss you' and 'I want to see you again, I feel so sad' and some were only innocent messages containing small talk. He promised me he would never kiss or have sex with any other girl all his life, and understood why I was mad at him and he would not chat with other girls like this anymore. Important: he told me he kept the messages of these girls because he wanted to be able to explain everything to me and show me how some girls broke his heart on the future, when we would have been in a relationship longer and he does not want to hide anything from me. He told me I could read any of these whenever I would desire. On the day he went into the army he gave me his password of facebook so I could update his status. I wanted to see if the girl had sent any messages later trying to get back to him but they were gone. Not archived, but completely deleted! I thought he just deleted the message from this girl because he did not want me to hurt myself by looking at it again, but the messages to other girls saying 'I miss you' etc. are all gone too!! I can only find messages with flirtatious content from the days before he met me. So he has not deleted those. I am now getting worried he has deleted the other messages because he has said things in there that he doesn't want me to know, but unfortunately I cannot talk to him about it since contact is forbidden for 2 more weeks while he is in the army. What should I do?? If it turns out he did send so many flirtatious messages in the time we were already together I consider it cheating, but I have no way to check it now! aaargh I desperately need some advice, since I am alone right now and going crazy! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilie White Posted May 3, 2013 Author Share Posted May 3, 2013 oh, and also in another message to just a friend he asked for pictures from any sexy friends, because I am 'a good person but I'm not very sexy'. Would any good boyfriend say this? Even just to be funny? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 To have doubts this early is clearly not a good sign. Me? Phukket, I would ditch him. Who needs all this damn drama anyway? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 3, 2013 Share Posted May 3, 2013 He absolutely crossed a line. He may not have physically cheated on you, but it seems clear to me that the desire and intention were there. And no, of course no good boyfriend would request "sexy" pictures from other women. I hope that was a rhetorical question. He's shown you who he is; do you still want him? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 (edited) He has given you full access to his FB, which I lot of guy's wouldn't, but you are still unhappy because he cleaned up old msgs. You could say he hid something incriminating but you could also say also he cleaned up the msgs because he did not want to upset you unnecessarily over his past flirting + also because they are now history to him (past is the past). Also having him flirt with local Thai girls would be more disconcerting I thought than foreign girls (assuming they have left the country). If quite a few foreign girls have come and gone in his life on their travels through asia, well, then his past expectation is that he is just a holiday fling when it comes to foreign girls. He is not used to long term so has always had to keep the feelers out looking for another girl. Maybe you have not been with him long enough for him to feel settled with you and that you are going to stick around for him. However maybe he is also used to enjoying the life as a holiday romeo. What vibe do you get from his friends & family in that regard? Are you now going to stay in Thailand? Edited May 5, 2013 by ascendotum 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 He's promised exclusivity but didn't abide. Yes, it's cheating. As a guess, he's either setup an alternate fb account or has rerouted the girls to email. Get rid of the dud before you invest further. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Jbum5 Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 Any objective person reading what you wrote can see that this guy wants more than just one girlfriend and porn. He wants other females' attention (sexually) as well. That way, he gets committed sex from you, foreplay from others, and all other filler-times from porn. This army buffoon clearly likes to keep himself busy with more than just push-ups. Do yourself a favor and get rid of this bozo. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Emilie White Posted May 5, 2013 Author Share Posted May 5, 2013 He has given you full access to his FB, which I lot of guy's wouldn't, but you are still unhappy because he cleaned up old msgs. You could say he hid something incriminating but you could also say also he cleaned up the msgs because he did not want to upset you unnecessarily over his past flirting + also because they are now history to him (past is the past). Also having him flirt with local Thai girls would be more disconcerting I thought than foreign girls (assuming they have left the country). If quite a few foreign girls have come and gone in his life on their travels through asia, well, then his past expectation is that he is just a holiday fling when it comes to foreign girls. He is not used to long term so has always had to keep the feelers out looking for another girl. Maybe you have not been with him long enough for him to feel settled with you and that you are going to stick around for him. However maybe he is also used to enjoying the life as a holiday romeo. What vibe do you get from his friends & family in that regard? Are you now going to stay in Thailand? Thanks for your reply, because yes I think and hope that this is the case too but my mind goes crazy sometimes.. It is true that he did not have any contact with girls when I came back for the second time so maybe you're right, he didn't feel settled yet and may have thought I was just a holiday fling before, early in our relationship. He told me he didn't want those anymore and had wanted a real relationship for a couple of years already but every girl decided not to stay. By the way, he has no interest whatsoever in any thai girls. He has already taken me to meet his family a couple of times, something he said he never did with any other girls. He also took me to his father's grave to say hello to him, which I know was something very very special to him. Maybe I just overreacted and have to understand his feelings from the past as well. And yes, I was planning all along to go study in Thailand (Not even because of him) so maybe he will calm down and refrain from any of his past habits if he knows I am here to stay. Though I must say my trust in him has diminished, and it will take a long time to get it back but I will talk to him about everything as soon as I can and hope it will be ok then. Should he make the same mistake again it will be over for me, but I have a gut feeling that he won't, that it were just mistakes from the past:) Link to post Share on other sites
Chevuron Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 This all seems really strange, but it sounds like he wants to have multiple options. However, I am not him and can not say what he is thinking. I do think that you should take a step back and really look at this as if you were talking to a friend. What would you tell a friend going through this? Would you tell him/her to stick with it or that she's/he's crazy and to just let it go? Relationships can be complex, but they shouldn't feel like a second job. You are just going to burn yourself out emotionally` Take a break, Stop and Breathe-->: Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 This sounds like a cluster **** of a relationship IMO. He isn't worth your time. If he was still trying to figure things out, he should never have been in a relationship with you. Not to mention the comment about you not being sexy. That's just a precursor to him never being 100% satisfied with you. Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted May 5, 2013 Share Posted May 5, 2013 To have doubts this early is clearly not a good sign. Me? Phukket, I would ditch him. Who needs all this damn drama anyway? Ahahaha! Good one! Link to post Share on other sites
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