Brand new on here in a LDR and will be meeting him for the first time in a month

[LittleTiger]

.... I am just not that special enough...

 

Choosing a partner is about finding someone who is the right fit and just because you and this guy are not the right fit doesn't make you any less special. He thinks you're great, I'm certain of it, but if he doesn't feel a strong physical attraction there is nothing he can do about it. I'm sure he too is very sad that this hasn't worked out.

 

I think my guy is 'head and shoulders above any other man' and that nobody will ever be 'as good' as he is - because I love him. In my eyes he's awesome because he shares so many of my values, my beliefs and my interests and because we have incredible sexual chemistry. Without the chemistry, I would still think he's awesome, but we would only be friends.

 

Think about your own friendships. I'd be willing to bet that you have at least one or two close friends who you consider extremely special, either male or female. If you're not physically attracted to them - either because they are female or because there isn't the right kind of chemistry between you - does that make them any less special?

 

Learn to value yourself the way that you value your close friends and nobody will ever be able to make you feel 'not special enough' again.

[kiwildr]

I hear what you are saying I just feel like its a kick in the guts it's the second time someone has said they are not physically attracted to me the last guy was someone who I met face to face we dated and then one day he told me and then a couple of months later said the opposite.

 

The part I don't get is you can have everything else in common which i thought we did ,I guess I am feeling a little low as I am still here in the US on my own and he has left to drive home so of course heaps is running through my mind, that I must be ugly etc...I feel really deflated. To be honest I have spent most of the morning crying ...and I know a lot of the advice is invaluable from everyone...which is keeping my spirits up.

Edited June 20, 2013 by kiwildr

[Carenth]

Ah man kiwildr that really sucks, please don't beat yourself up over this. You both took a risk on this and as it happens sometimes these things don't work out. It's sad, it sucks and it's painful.

 

But please remember you didn't do anything wrong and it's not because you're not special enough. I have several female friends if you looked at us together on paper you would wonder why we aren't dating. It simply comes down to whilst I love them as friends, I just don't see them that way. It can't be forced and can't be faked.

 

I hope you start to feel better, it will take time.

[AJinlove]

I hear what you are saying I just feel like its a kick in the guts it's the second time someone has said they are not physically attracted to me the last guy was someone who I met face to face we dated and then one day he told me and then a couple of months later said the opposite.

 

The part I do not get is you can have everything else in common which i thought we did ,I guess I am feeling a little low as I am still here in the US on my own and he has left to drive home so of course heaps is running through my mind, that I must be ugly etc...I feel really deflated. To be honest I have spent most of the morning crying ...and I know a lot of the advice is invaluable from everyone...which is keeping my spirits up.

 

Please don'g even start thinking on that road. You are ugly is not an excuse to feel bad, who is holding standards anyways? That is just am excuse for superficial people or teenagers ... that there is no chemistry is possible ... and even more possible is that you were unfortunate enough that the last two guys you met didn't feel that chemistry with you; but by no means that means that there aren't a thousand guys out there that will find you attractive and have chemistry with you (and guys you will find attractive as well)

Look at this cute article:

Yahoo! Shine - Women's Lifestyle | Healthy Living and Fashion Blogs

 

You seem to be a great gal. Don't let this little failure bring you down. Just think that you are brave enough to fall in love and go the extra mile to make time and travel all the way around the world to find out if this adventure could lead to something stronger. One defeat doesn't mean you lost the battle.

 

And who know, maybe he got turned off by something else .. like let's say the fact that you are independent, smart, and know how to make decisions; a real modern woman. Many man get scared by that. You might simple be too much woman for him?

Edited June 20, 2013 by AJinlove
grammar

[HeavenOrHell]

Am I missing something here?

Where did she give him mixed messages? Before they met they both hoped for a r/ship, when they met she still wanted that but it became apparent he didn't feel the same, she had sex with him as she fancies him and hoped he fancied her back, where's the mixed messages with that? How did she do a 180?

What would he be confused about exactly? I mean what would she have done to confuse him?

 

 

 

Whoa! Wait a minute...

 

You're annoyed because *he's* giving YOU "mixed messages?" Isn't that a bit of pot-kettle-black?

 

YOU'RE the one who opened Pandora's box by "pushing the sex button." Now, you've decided to do a 180 with no apparent warning or explanation.

 

Sorry, but I would be willing to bet big money *you're* not the only one wholly confused.

 

My guess is the guy is being "touchy-feely" so that you don't think he's some sort of eunuch. Plus, he may well figure since you offered yourself so willingly before "he'll get lucky" again before you go back home.

 

As others have suggested, you need to quit being in the haze of meeting up with someone that you really only knew virtually and have a serious face-to-face conversation with this guy about what's what including what's been going on in your mind BEFORE you leave and go back home.

 

Not only do you owe it to yourself, you owe it to him -- if for no other reason than you know how rotten it is to be living in purgatory and "limbo-land."

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw, sorry you're feeling so awful about this, I would've felt just as gutted, I totally understand.

It's really no-one's fault if the chemistry isn't there, it doesn't mean you are lacking in some way, it just means you weren't quite right for each other.

Hope you have a safe trip home.

Take care and let us know how you are doing.

*big hugs*

 

 

I hear what you are saying I just feel like its a kick in the guts it's the second time someone has said they are not physically attracted to me the last guy was someone who I met face to face we dated and then one day he told me and then a couple of months later said the opposite.

 

The part I don't get is you can have everything else in common which i thought we did ,I guess I am feeling a little low as I am still here in the US on my own and he has left to drive home so of course heaps is running through my mind, that I must be ugly etc...I feel really deflated. To be honest I have spent most of the morning crying ...and I know a lot of the advice is invaluable from everyone...which is keeping my spirits up.

[hoping2heal]

kiwildr,

 

I'm very sorry for all of the hurt you are feeling right now. I have a few questions though, who paid for the flight? Did you both split the cost or was it one or the other? How long had you been talking before you decided to meet?

[kiwildr]

AJINLOVE just watched the video clip awesome it cheered me up, HOH thanks so much for your support I will keep you and everyone else updated i have two more days here and then fly back I went for a hike so am feeling a bit better too.

 

Hoping2heal - I paid next to nothing for the flights & accommodation as I work in the travel industry, all meals anything we did he paid for 95% of it we ate out a lot and did other activities like biking, hiking museums, concerts etc...he also drove from the West Coast 15 hrs so drove everywhere here too.

 

We had been talking to one another for just over 2 months every day morning and night and sent pictures, Skype everything you could possibly think to do.

 

I really can't thank enough all the people that have been here on my journey and supporting me I really hope I can give back from my experience if I try to take a positive out of it - and remove the emotional feeling part (which is hard) I have one awesome friend , we do have a lot in common as friends although painful as it seems to me right now - that I am not the "one".

[TMichaels]

Am I missing something here?

Where did she give him mixed messages? How did she do a 180?

What would he be confused about exactly? I mean what would she have done to confuse him?

 

She was the one who pushed the sex issue. Then later, she lamented about how it was annoying the heck out of her he was sitting next to her stroking her leg, so much so she wanted him to stop.

 

If you don't think the guy didn't sense or wasn't confused by the difference, you're entitled to your opinion. But, it's not one we share.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[kiwildr]

Actually there was no forcing of any sex issue I approached the subject of where we were we going - and was where the whole sitting on the fence issue came into play about the whole LDR from him, he then said he wanted to kiss me and then yes we had sex.

 

But then that there was no physical contact until a day later so yes perhaps I confused him and obviously was getting confused myself, which ended in a mess...I am use to very clear direct messages but this was confusing.

 

It was ever so confusing as he kept on saying if I lived closer we would take things slowly ,but then thought he could handle a LDR if I was the "one". So that confused me also.

 

Right or wrong it has not ended the best it could have...we had shared a lot with one another over the past few months about our families, lives , work sports everything ....

Edited June 21, 2013 by kiwildr

[AJinlove]

kiwildr - you did nothing wrong ... sex is not the only thing in a relationship that sends signs; sex is just one of the many things a couple share, it helps bonding and showing love and care; but it is also the most natural of the acts, it's necessary and healthy. And by no means just because you had sex with a person it means that you must be attached to the person forever (it could mean that but not necessarily), just for the moment. You felt it, he felt it, you did it. Don't make other person's judgement make you feel guilty.

 

I repeat what I said earlier. I believe he got scared of your independence. You are probably too much for him to handle.

[Els]

IMO you should look forwards from now henceforth, OP, rather than hashing over what happened. That will help you in moving on.

[HeavenOrHell]

She didn't push the sex issue she asked him where they stood as a couple.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to have sex after she knew he wasn't sure about a r/ship, but maybe she hoped it would bring them closer.

Seems it didn't help and she then felt he definitely wasn't into her after that, so obviously it would be confusing if he's continuing to touch her but was saying he wasn't sure about them as a couple.

On paper it might look obvious, ie he's just enjoying sex with someone he cares a lot about but doesn't want a r/ship, but many people would be confused by this when their feelings are caught up in it.

 

 

 

 

She was the one who pushed the sex issue. Then later, she lamented about how it was annoying the heck out of her he was sitting next to her stroking her leg, so much so she wanted him to stop.

 

If you don't think the guy didn't sense or wasn't confused by the difference, you're entitled to your opinion. But, it's not one we share.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited June 21, 2013 by HeavenOrHell

[missunshine]

kiwildr how are you... did you get home already...? are you two in touch?

[ThomasD]

Kiwildr, please believe me when I say you have my sincere sympathy. I've only gone through one page of the thread and it makes me too sad to go on. This has an old guy on the verge of tears.

 

(yeah, that all sounds trite and cliche'. I don't know what else to say.)

[kiwildr]

Thanks ThomasD your kind words have been greatly appreciated and i was hoping to be telling a different story - i have no idea what went wrong really, I thought we had both prepared ourselves but obviously not enough...