Brand new on here in a LDR and will be meeting him for the first time in a month

[justwhoiam]

he just isn't into me in a physical way .

Can you try to explain this?

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry to hear things aren't going as well as you hoped.

He met you in person as he hoped you would click, no-one knows how well they'll get on until they meet, which is why I'm always saying it's kind of daft for anyone to say they're in love or in a r/ship before they've met, not that you said that, but people here often talk about being in a r/ship or being in love and even splitting up before they met!! Until people meet it's mostly just fantasy.

 

I hope things will improve.

 

 

All am trying to do is put on a brave face and smile but secretly I am confused and wish it was going to end on a good note. I have to ask myself why come to meet me in person?

 

Just not sure how to hold my head high and keep smiling at the moment.

[HeavenOrHell]

Sexy clothes are irrelevant, if someone fancies someone they wouldn't care if they were wearing a bin bag.

Giving a massage would be as bad as jumping on him if she's not getting a green light from him.

 

I'd talk to him about it instead.

 

Maybe he's being shy or he's not sure about your feelings... but it's also possible that he's having second thoughts.

If you ask him what he thinks about you, you might get compliments in return... so I'm not sure how that's gonna help. Jumping on him... I wouldn't recommend it, because he has no way out, and you'd be forcing it. I wouldn't like it. Having you been wearing sexy clothes? Maybe you can try with that? Creating the right mood? Or have you massaged him back? I massaged his back the first time without any intention to go anywhere from there, just to relax him, and soon after he was full of energy...................... if you know what I mean. Let him lie on his back with bare top (no t-shirt), take some massage oil or nourishing cream and start massaging his back. You draw small circles at first, then slightly bigger... if you want to get some ideas, watch some videos on youtube. I learned what I know from a friend who's a professional. Try that today, tonight maybe, with some candles, and then get back to us and tell us what happened.

[justwhoiam]

Sexy clothes are irrelevant, if someone fancies someone they wouldn't care if they were wearing a bin bag.

I didn't mean it that way... Not as if anyone is going to like you because of what you are wearing, rather it's meant as being on a romantic date with someone instead of giving him signals that she likes him as a friend. I'm not sure if it's clearer now. But I guess she tried to let him know she liked him.

 

Giving a massage would be as bad as jumping on him if she's not getting a green light from him.

Again, I suggested that mainly because he's given her massages more than once already. So I would think it'd be just fair she does the same to him. It was just an idea to let him be more relaxed in case he's a bit tense.

 

Bottom line is she feels he's not into her, so that must happen for a reason. As you said, it doesn't work just because two people hope for it.

[missunshine]

kiwildr.... I am sorry... it's very confusing indeed. I still however, think you should talk again, and seriously... don't leave it like this... it's not your first time talking, I am sure you have talked about lots of things while planning this trip... and now it's one of those times when you have to talk and not be silent because time is flying by quickly and you are gonna have to go back to NZ in no time. what's worse will be that you will be sad...

[HeavenOrHell]

She didn't say he'd given her massages, just rubbed her on the back a few times.

You kind of know if someone wants you to touch them or not, they give off signs of being receptive and interested.

Yes it doesn't work just because two people hope for it, unfortunately

 

I hope things will improve anyway.

 

I didn't mean it that way... Not as if anyone is going to like you because of what you are wearing, rather it's meant as being on a romantic date with someone instead of giving him signals that she likes him as a friend. I'm not sure if it's clearer now. But I guess she tried to let him know she liked him.

 

Again, I suggested that mainly because he's given her massages more than once already. So I would think it'd be just fair she does the same to him. It was just an idea to let him be more relaxed in case he's a bit tense.

 

Bottom line is she feels he's not into her, so that must happen for a reason. As you said, it doesn't work just because two people hope for it.

[LittleTiger]

That's the weird thing we did talk a lot about being intimate almost all the time.

 

Well I did ask him if it was me, he told me he liked me and hanging out with me was fun, but he was now sitting on the fence and could go either way to how a long distance relationship could work between the US and NZ. He said if I lived in the US and we were closer he would take things really slow and build a strong connection.

 

He finally kissed me heaps and we had sex last night, but now I am just wondering if that was just because he felt he had to because I had raised the subject, now it's like where do I go from here.

 

I think if I was really honest he just isn't into me in a physical way . Gosh still 5 days to go. We are sharing an apartment but we do have separate rooms.

 

All am trying to do is put on a brave face and smile but secretly I am confused and wish it was going to end on a good note. I have to ask myself why come to meet me in person?

 

Just not sure how to hold my head high and keep smiling at the moment.

 

I'm so sorry it hasn't worked out for you kiwildr .....and, I'm sad to say, if this is what transpired between you then it really hasn't. If he was interested in pursuing a relationship with you, things would have happened very differently.

 

1. He would have tried to kiss you much, much earlier, even if it was just a respectful but romantic kiss rather than a passionate one - but he didn't try to kiss you at all until you forced the issue. So he's not feeling the right level of chemistry. Yes, he had sex with you, but then you were offering it to him on a plate so he probably thought 'why not'. I don't mean that in a nasty way but that is the reality.

 

2. He wouldn't be so negative about the distance. He wasn't this negative before you met in person so he was clearly prepared to consider the possibility - if the right chemistry had been there. If he'd been meeting you just for sex he would have tried it on as soon as you met, regardless of the chemistry which, in my mind, means he was genuinely hoping for a relationship.

 

3. Your instincts wouldn't be telling you that he's not into you 'in a physical way'. You know how he really feels but you don't want to believe it, and he doesn't want to hurt you by telling you straight. It must be very hard to let go of the romantic fantasy you built up. Most of here know how easy it is to start imagining a future that might never be.

 

Unfortunately, you now have to face up to the reality and that must hurt a lot. I'm so sorry. Big ((((hugs)))).

 

If I was in your shoes I would talk to him again and make it easy for him so that you can have a more relaxed and comfortable time together. Tell him you know he doesn't feel the same as you do, that it's ok, you understand and it was a risk you both took. Sadly it didn't work out as you'd hoped but maybe you can just have fun together, enjoy the holiday and each other's company, and then say goodbye as good friends. That way you keep your pride, he doesn't feel as though he's let you down and you can stay in touch if you choose to when you go home.

[Carenth]

I tend to agree with LittleTiger and that is sad, but this is the risk we take. I can only speak from my own experience.

 

That when I was flying over from Australia to Canada I was feeling extremely insecure, thinking I was doing something insane flying around the world to meet someone I've only known through the internet. What happens if we didn't get along in person etc. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now but I'm sorry you are going through it.

 

I went over with the with thought that it wouldn't be the end of the world if we didn't end up as lovers, I would of been ok with we had just been friends (at least I told myself that, I imagine in reality I would of been rather devastated) to try and not build up unrealistic expectations.

 

I know when I landed and saw my girlfriend in person for the first time it was a bit surreal I knew her so well, but obviously we had never met in person. It was a bit jarring tbh, hard to describe. However I knew right off the bat that I was attracted to her and the feeling was mutual with her, she told me she was incredibly nervous later on and I was as well.

 

I was exhausted after a 24 hour commute (which I didn't sleep the night before) so we went back to her place and talked for a bit until I couldn't stay awake anymore and then fell asleep hugging each other. Woke up and looked each other in the eyes and that is when we kissed for the first time. Things progressed rather quickly after that barrier was past.

 

As LittleTiger said whilst the distance is a negative in some ways, it wasn't really an issue for us we both wanted this to work or at least try for it to work. I was making plans for how I could go back there again for a longer period on the first day I got back. My girlfriend was doing the same vice versa for coming here.

 

Once again I'm sorry it doesn't seem to have gone as planned. I hope you can still enjoy the rest of your holiday. It's a real shame but I feel he would of done something sooner if he felt that way. I mean in a LDR we don't really have the luxury of much time together, so we made the most of it.

[kiwildr]

Thanks for the support - yes not an ideal position to be in,but yes there were risks involved and I was aware of this.

 

I am taking the advice of many and are enjoying the rest of my time here and as we enjoy one another's company am making the most of the rest of my time as best i can with a smile on my face although admittedly hard to start with.

 

We just came back from a fabulous dinner and a day of sunshine - so it was an awesome day. Still odd messages going on though like tonight after dinner I am lying on the couch and he starts rubbing my leg...mixed signals or what ?

Edited June 19, 2013 by kiwildr

[justwhoiam]

If body language is so confusing... you definitely need to talk somehow and see for yourself. How about asking him "How do you think we will feel once I go back home? Will you think of me as a dear friend?

 

Something along those lines. See where that takes you. Be sure he's speaking his mind.

[LittleTiger]

We just came back from a fabulous dinner and a day of sunshine - so it was an awesome day. Still odd messages going on though like tonight after dinner I am lying on the couch and he starts rubbing my leg...mixed signals or what ?

 

No, not mixed signals. His signals are very clear - going by what you have told us. He's being affectionate because he is 'fond of you'. If he was sexually interested he would be doing a lot more than just rubbing your legs.

 

Please stop hoping for something that isn't there - you will feel so much worse when you leave and 'nothing has been sorted'.

 

He has told you there is no chance of a relationship developing. For your own sake you need to believe him. If his affection is confusing you, you would be best talking to him about, but unless you give him a 'get out' by telling him you understand his feelings, he's going to say what he thinks you want to hear.

[kiwildr]

Yep Little Tiger I know you are right, that's all it was i was living in hope - how stupid I know.

 

One or two of my friends knew about me coming to meet him , although I have not mentioned anything that has happened and of course the fabulous people on here - everyone was hoping it would work, of course i was hoping for us to click in person and to be giving a much different account.

 

It makes me cry saying that I understand and being the one that has to put on the brave face I was hoping for something entirely different and feel the opposite. To say you are sitting on the fence about a long distance relationship I think kind of left me hanging it would have been much easier if he had said I can't do a long distance relationship - either way an epic fail for me and all it has left me wondering is what is wrong with me. Over two months of sharing our lives and talking about our families and jobs,friends and still today we share everything about our lives - it's so disappointing...

Edited June 19, 2013 by kiwildr

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm so sorry things haven't worked out the way you hoped

I know I (so would he) have been gutted if things hadn't worked out for us when we met, he even said he'd be devastated, despite us both saying let's not put any expectations or weight onto it as we don't know for sure until we meet, it is hard not to have expectations/hopes.

 

You musn't think it means there's anything wrong with you, not being compatible as partners doesn't mean there's a problem with either of you.

 

On the plus side at least you met after only two months, the longer you'd been in touch and then not clicked IRL the worse it would be.

 

 

 

Yep Little Tiger I know you are right, that's all it was i was living in hope - how stupid I know.

 

One or two of my friends knew about me coming to meet him , although I have not mentioned anything that has happened and of course the fabulous people on here - everyone was hoping it would work, of course i was hoping for us to click in person and to be giving a much different account.

 

It makes me cry saying that I understand and being the one that has to put on the brave face I was hoping for something entirely different and feel the opposite. To say you are sitting on the fence about a long distance relationship I think kind of left me hanging it would have been much easier if he had said I can't do a long distance relationship - either way an epic fail for me and all it has left me wondering is what is wrong with me. Over two months of sharing our lives and talking about our families and jobs,friends and still today we share everything about our lives - it's so disappointing...

[kiwildr]

Thanks HeavenorHell - I guess I am just really frustrated by the whole thing.

 

I guess i am getting annoyed a little, can he stop touching my leg, rubbing my back etc.. I have lots of male friends and none of them do that. I would be happy to be his friend and have resigned myself to that fact, but don't send mixed messages either.

[Carenth]

Really sorry to hear that kiwildr, I'm not sure why he is doing that but I'm guessing he built up expectations as well and is probably feeling pretty confused himself right now.

I think he does care about you just he doesn't feel that way about you which sucks, but you can't force that.

 

I honestly don't know how I would of reacted if my partner and I didn't hit it off in person. We would of both been gutted, as we had been purely friends for years before we met in person.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, he shouldn't be doing that really, especially if he knows you would prefer a r/ship with him, that is giving you mixed messages for sure None of my friends, male or female, do those things to me either!

 

 

 

Thanks HeavenorHell - I guess I am just really frustrated by the whole thing.

 

I guess i am getting annoyed a little, can he stop touching my leg, rubbing my back etc.. I have lots of male friends and none of them do that. I would be happy to be his friend and have resigned myself to that fact, but don't send mixed messages either.

[LittleTiger]

Thanks HeavenorHell - I guess I am just really frustrated by the whole thing.

 

I guess i am getting annoyed a little, can he stop touching my leg, rubbing my back etc.. I have lots of male friends and none of them do that. I would be happy to be his friend and have resigned myself to that fact, but don't send mixed messages either.

 

kiwildr, I do understand you being upset about this and I don't want to sound harsh, but there really is a simple solution. Ask him to stop!

 

Just tell him that, since things haven't worked out as you'd hoped, it's very confusing for you when he touches you affectionately. You might be very surprised by his reaction to the request.

 

I think you'll probably find that he's just a very 'touchy feely' sort of person who is physically affectionate with his friends and family. If he's fond of you, which he undoubtedly is, he may not even be aware of his behaviour.

 

If you are going to salvage the friendship that remains here, it is important that you start with some honest, open communication.

[Els]

I definitely agree with LT and HoH. There just wasn't chemistry for whatever reason, it wasn't anything you did wrong, there's no point in trying to force something that isn't there, you just gotta move on. First visits can be awkward initially, but it's been way too long for just the initial awkwardness to settle. Especially with LDRs, you can't afford to be unsure, there's just no POINT in putting in all that investment and time and effort and pain when you're not even sure if there was romantic passion to begin with.

 

I respectfully suggest not being friends, because it sounds like it's going to make things way harder for you, but that's on you to decide.

Edited June 19, 2013 by Elswyth

[missunshine]

I agree with the rest kiwildr... you should talk to him and let him know that you don't want him making such moves... I also wonder, why did you sleep with him when you knew that things weren't allright from the beginning... I know you probably wanted to try and see if you can make things better with it in a way, but how was he? was he gentle enough? was he as you imagined him to be with you? ask yourself that, and you will have ur answer... you deserve to be loved as much as you love him, but if you don't receive the love you give in return, you should just reconcile with it, and move on. stay in touch if you want, or don't stay in touch if you don't want. For me personally, it would be hard to stay in touch, so I would just let it all go away. You will be happy again. There is always sun after the rain. :*

[TMichaels]

I guess i am getting annoyed a little, can he stop touching my leg, rubbing my back etc.. I have lots of male friends and none of them do that. I would be happy to be his friend and have resigned myself to that fact, but don't send mixed messages either.

 

Whoa! Wait a minute...

 

You're annoyed because *he's* giving YOU "mixed messages?" Isn't that a bit of pot-kettle-black?

 

YOU'RE the one who opened Pandora's box by "pushing the sex button." Now, you've decided to do a 180 with no apparent warning or explanation.

 

Sorry, but I would be willing to bet big money *you're* not the only one wholly confused.

 

My guess is the guy is being "touchy-feely" so that you don't think he's some sort of eunuch. Plus, he may well figure since you offered yourself so willingly before "he'll get lucky" again before you go back home.

 

As others have suggested, you need to quit being in the haze of meeting up with someone that you really only knew virtually and have a serious face-to-face conversation with this guy about what's what including what's been going on in your mind BEFORE you leave and go back home.

 

Not only do you owe it to yourself, you owe it to him -- if for no other reason than you know how rotten it is to be living in purgatory and "limbo-land."

 

Best,

TMichaels

[LittleTiger]

What's so hard to understand about the fact that WHILE you're there, he's going to be affectionate and have sex with you? After you leave, don't be surprised when he moves on. There's just no point in long distance relationships if there's no future plan to be together geographically in a year or so.

 

Would you really want to spend the rest of your life occasionally visiting some guy in another part of the world and spending the REST of the time alone? Holidays? Weekends? Weddings? Funerals?

 

He doesn't. I don't blame him.

 

I agree with your first paragraph Forum_Lurker, but this guy clearly had every intention of attempting a LDR - before they met - that's why the OP is so upset. If the chemistry had been there it would have been all systems go.

 

Just FTR, and I can't speak for others obviously, I would much rather spend the rest of my life going backwards and forwards to visit my guy, with him doing the same, than be without him altogether - even if it means I have to spend lots of weekends 'alone'.

 

I'm sure I'm not the only person in a LDR who has friends and family to spend weekends with, if I so choose, and the same applies to weddings and funerals. Unless you want to live like a real hermit, there is no need to be alone - even when in a LDR.

 

It always astounds me when people say this sort of thing because I start to wonder what criteria others use when choosing a life partner. My guy stands head and shoulders above every other man I've known in my life (and I'm no spring chicken) and we are more compatible than I ever thought was possible. So, if our relationship is working, what possible reason could I have for ending it and choosing someone who, not only is less compatible with me, but will also never be 'as good' as my current guy. Being 'alone' at weekends weddings and funerals is the daftest reason I ever heard of.

 

Holidays don't apply - we spend those together.

[Carenth]

As I've said many other times on this forum for me at least. A partner is someone who adds to my happiness, not the source of it. I feel many people expect their partner to complete them. So many times I've read that "I would be more likely to do xyz if I had a partner" or "I would be happier and my problems would disappear if I had a partner" which I don't think is a great reason to enter a relationship anyway I'm rambling.

 

I have plenty of friends and family here who I spend a lot of time with. Do I miss my girlfriend? Sure I do. However I don't feel alone, I look forward until I can see her again and look forward to closing the gap later this year. LDR are not for everyone I agree and I could not do one indefinitely. I will try my bloody best to make it work though.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Carenth

[Els]

.................................

Edited June 20, 2013 by Elswyth
I shouldn't be derailing the OP's thread. Sorry. :)

[kiwildr]

Well I shall hold my head high I took the advice of all that was offered from here and as HOH rightly said I made the situation easy by mentioning that I knew the risks involved yes he is fond of me as a friend and that is how it shall remain, heart breaking and tears but cold hard reality. I don't know really what more to say I like him as a person and we have a lot in common, but as so rightly mentioned you have to be a 110% certain that this person will be worth all the time and effort and the distance apart which he felt wasn't right I have to respect that, unfortunately I am just not that special enough...

[Els]

I am just not that special enough...

 

To him!

 

You will be special enough to the right person. That just isn't him.

 

Stay strong.