Anger in a relationship

[springtwigs]

Hi,

 

And this is my first post...

 

I will try to be concise, but it seems hard to summarize a years long relationship. Perhaps it would be best to skip to the current problem.

 

I (female) am 2 weeks from completing a very intense graduate program, which has provided me with an excellent opportunity to learn and grow, but has also made my personal life a little more challenging (limited time and lots of stress). I keep shouldering the blame for the distance and change that I sense in my relationship with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, but I'm trying to think that it has a little bit to do with everything- him, me, our stress levels, etc.

 

Also turns out that he has a rather short fuse, and some serious rage reactions during some of our recent arguments. Needless to say, it is very difficult for us to "work through" things because it gets escalated so quickly. In short, I feel more or less alienated from the relationship because he gets angry and then he shuts down emotionally and nothing is ever resolved. I would like to say that arguments have not always been like this, but they kind of have (minus the rage). I have felt for sometime that he has a very lower tolerance for disagreement, but I/we can't totally prevent fights from happening. It's just not realistic. Basically, things were historically very good before things got "real" and we were living together and arguments would happen. Since then, the quality of our romantic relationship has deteriorated and arguments have become the ultimate weapon of destruction for our relationship. I don't want them to be, but I don't know what to do. I can't make them not happen entirely.

 

I am trying not to feel too badly for myself, but I was very hopeful about basking in the glory of graduation and looking for a new job, etc. Additionally, I was very excited for a little period of a less busy schedule so we could do things together the way we used to when I wasn't so darn busy. Unfortunately, this has not been the case. I will be attending my graduation party alone and when I've asked my boyfriend his thoughts about where I should work, he said, "that's your personal decision" and left it at that. I'm cool with my mom saying something like that, but not my boyfriend who I live with. It just blows my mind. I feel pretty discouraged.

 

Anyway, I've probably left out important details, but would love some feedback regarding:

 

Can you work on things with someone who has serious anger issues?

 

Any opinions welcome...

[TigerCub]

Congrats on finishing your graduate program!

 

Hmmm, your issue is a serious one.

I have major anger issues (that I will be seeing someone for) - but I understand how anger is destructive to a relationship.

I, actually am willing to talk things out and I don't emotionally shut down right away - my bf does that and it is really frustrating because it makes it difficult to get to the core of any issue.

 

I would suggest counseling - because then maybe your bf wouldn't shutdown if he heard the feedback from a therapist.

 

In our case, we were going to do that and we even made an appointment for sometime this week, but recently something happened that makes me not even want to try.

 

I'm not trying to scare you - our new problem has to do with something totally different than what you're talking about.

 

But honestly, for whatever it's worth, I would suggest counseling. It might help you 2 with your communication.

 

If he's unwilling, then, I'm sorry, but I don't see something that big and important just resolving itself and if you guys can't get to the real issues, you will just be fighting the same fights forever and it will get exhausting.

 

Good luck.