It's over

[BrokenPrincess]

I felt something was up and I sent him an email this morning asking him point-blank why he wasn't confirming dates for us to see each other. I ended it with "I feel like I am out here trying to make something happen this month but I am not sure if you are out here with me...?"

 

I saw he read it about an hour later, and no response all day. My H has gone out for the night, so I just decided to check the shared email, even though we don't usually write outside of work hours. Four hours ago he wrote.

 

Ok...Your instincts are right...

 

I am not with you anymore...The "journey" ends for me today.

 

I have struggled with constant guilt and fear every day for a while now...I will never be happy this way so I am relieveing myself from this.

 

I love my family more than anything and I am through putting all of that at risk.

 

Thank you for the experience I will never forget. I will carry so many great memories with me always

 

Good bye

[Sarabi]

I'm so sorry Broken Princess

I feel like I could cry for you, honestly

massive hugs from me to you just now ((((((((HUG)))))))))

[BrokenPrincess]

I am sorry for you, but from reading your posts I felt this was coming. This man seems like a good guy and he cannot handle guilt very well. He is also thinking about the well being of his family.

 

I beg you to do the same and consider your family. Do not think this ending is a bad thing. In fact, he is doing you a huge favor and this will set you free.

 

Please do not assume this ending means you are not validated anymore. This has nothing to do with validation. This is all about a man not living in an authentic manner. At some point he realized that this was too tiring. No one likes to be a fake for a long time. So I beg you to accept this and please be thankful you did not have a huge disaster.

 

Thank you Pierre. I know, my head knows all that, but my heart feels broken. Of course I accept and respect it and I know it's better & healthier for me too, but I feel about as opposite of validated as you could be. Someone I care about and respect very much just rejected me in the ultimate way. And I can't even tell anyone while I'm laying in bed sobbing.

[BrokenPrincess]

Thank you LG. I know it had to happen...it just wasn't the same as before DDay. Honestly knowing him & his commitment to his family, I couldn't even believe that he was willing to take such a huge risk with a second DDay.

 

I just went through my phone & deleted every single picture from him, sent to him, or even just reminded me of him. Some were from before DDay that I just couldn't let go the first time around, but now they're all gone forever.

 

I know I need to do the same to all the emails & cards & little gifts but I just can't bear to do it all right now.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you Pierre. I know, my head knows all that, but my heart feels broken. Of course I accept and respect it and I know it's better & healthier for me too, but I feel about as opposite of validated as you could be. Someone I care about and respect very much just rejected me in the ultimate way. And I can't even tell anyone while I'm laying in bed sobbing.

 

Take care of yourself now. Cry it out and then cry it out some more.

 

Your A was ending on and off for quite a while now, he just had the guts to finally pull the trigger for good.

 

Hugs and try to get some sleep tonight.

[BrokenPrincess]

I feel so stupid for letting him back in. He came back telling me it felt like his gut was being ripped out every day we were apart and I opened my heart back up to him. I feel like the reality of me wasn't good enough.

[whichwayisup]

Stop!! NO more putting yourself down. Doing that serves no purpose and all it does is makes you feel worse and gets you on a bad negative frame of mind.

 

The circumstances have kept you two apart. You know this! He is married, has a family, as do you!

 

Don't do that, k.

 

He was honest and gave you a nice goodbye letter, that ended on a positive note. Much more than what many OW on here get when their A's totally end.

 

Your exMM will always have fond memories of you. And you him.

[SweetBella1]

I'm so sorry for the pain you're suffering. It's unbelievable that we willingly subject ourselves to such ill-fated situations.

 

I know just how you feel regarding the rejection. Even though it was done with kindness, you were left with your heart still open...that adds an extra sting to the misery. I know this firsthand because it happened to me 3 weeks ago. Heartbreak is bad enough, but compound that with being turned away (no matter how it's done) & it's a total blow to the ego, as well. It's like, "Hmmm. Which wounds shall I tend to, first?"

 

I'm glad to read this post because, in the unlikely event that my xMM resurfaces, I will think long & hard about what you are now enduring. My past 3 weeks have been a hidden, secret hell. Going through day to day motions feeling like I'll never fully recover from him & the affect he had on me. Every day weakly hoping that maybe he'll reach out & validate me. It's misery & I feel it's the price I pay for my part in the A. But if that's the case, shouldn't xMM have to pay a price too?!? One can hope.

 

The thought of going back to xMM, only to eventually grieve him a *second* time? It actually makes me nauseous.

 

I'm thinking of you. Keep talking to us, we're here.

Edited May 4, 2013 by SweetBella1

[thefooloftheyear]

I feel so stupid for letting him back in. He came back telling me it felt like his gut was being ripped out every day we were apart and I opened my heart back up to him. I feel like the reality of me wasn't good enough.

 

 

No way....

 

What this should tell you is how truky special it was and hard it was for him to end it...Thats what that is all about.

 

So sorry ..The journey of healing begins..

 

TFY

[Artie Lang]

I love my family more than anything and I am through putting all of that at risk.

i'm confused because it seems you only realized this because he dumped you..... almost like you have no choice but to return to the mundane life you led before betraying your family with this man.

 

am i wrong?

[thefooloftheyear]

i'm confused because it seems you only realized this because he dumped you..... almost like you have no choice but to return to the mundane life you led before betraying your family with this man.

 

am i wrong?

 

Yep...

 

You took the excerpt from his(MM) goodbye letter to her...Go back to the first post and you'll realize your error.

 

TFY

[Artie Lang]

^ahhh, i see.

[BrokenPrincess]

Good morning LS. I see by my thread here it wasn't all a bad dream.

 

I finally cried myself to merciful sleep last night but I did manage to sleep for 7 full hours. My head is all over the place-- depressed, relieved, disappointed, embarrassed seem to be the primary ones.

 

Todays Saturday and I have some fun things planned with my family but I also feel this overwhelming looming sadness and anxiety that come Monday, MM won't be there like usual.

[anne1707]

BP

 

I am sorry you are hurting but part of me feels that this is the kick up the backside that you needed. It seems to me that you have been in limbo for a long time and not really sure about anything or fully committed to your marriage.

 

Now that the dream of the OM has been shattered, you are having to face reality. I think that as your head begins to clear from the emotions you are going through right now, you really do need to decide whether or not to stay married. And that if you choose to stay, you must do that with 100% commitment (and honesty preferably!). If you cannot do that then in all fairness to you, your husband and your family then you should end the marriage.

[RickFox]

I will minimize nothing that you feel, it's all very real, but I will say this: You, as I believe LadyG said, got something that so many of us never got. You got closure, sincerity, kindness, and that is commendable on his part. It will not take the pain away nor lessen it, but I can tell you that had he just shut you out, never spoke to you, never said another word, the torment you would feel would be thousands of times worse than what you feel now.

 

Time will heal much of the wounds. I wish you the best.

[BrokenPrincess]

Thank you Rick. I wish so much I could fast forward to when that time will be.

 

Deep down I agree with MM...I felt much more guilt these past couple months, I think because we were restricted in our interactions, I just wasn't completely checked out and compartmentalized like when we were full swing.

 

I recognize that I wasn't happy either and unfulfilled. But I had this idea that this was just partially due to being long distance and not having settled into a mutually comfortable place in our relationship. I was going to give it until the end of the month...I thought if we just saw each other, we would easily rebuild the base of our connection because when we're live & in-person, everything feels natural. There's no misinterpreting an email tone or punctuation mark.

 

I was willing to give this a chance until then but now I feel like he gave up on us because I wasn't good enough to be worth the trouble.

[lynn1954]

Broken_Princess:

 

Lots of sympathy and compassion from me to you.

 

I'm sorry that it hurts so much.

[SoleMate]

I feel that you just went through a painful (and necessary) operation. You are wounded and should basically be in ICU/recovery for a time. You WILL heal, the pain WILL be less. Keep taking your "meds" (whatever you determine them to be), get up and walk when the nurse tells you to, even though it hurts like H**L. You will recover. Many of us empathize deeply at the pain you're in. I recommend lots of physical activity....do you have a garage that needs cleaning out? This can be a great time to really get a deep purge/clean going, which will keep you busy and then you'll have a clean garage! Hugs.

[Goodbye]

I am so sorry for the heartache you are experiencing. I feel that if my exMM actually had balls, he'd send me a similar email. It must hurt like the dickens now, but let it serve as closure so you can scar over, heal and be stronger than ever.

 

It must be terribly difficult to grief this affair while being married. How do you keep the grief from your H? Or am I confusing your story. Was there a D-day?

 

Keep yourself busy. I am so sorry.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Hi BP,

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I got a similar email when my XMM tried to cut off all communication a couple of months after the second d-day. I reread and reread it looking for hints, loopholes, etc. I think the hardest thing was when I tried to respond and the email account had been deleted.

 

I know my XMM love his kids so much and I believe he loves and cares for his wife. It sounds like your XMM is the same. He has to give this a shot. He will go through withdrawal just like you. LET HIM DEAL alone without his BP. If there is something to be salvaged in his marriage he has to try to do the right thing. And IF (its a big if) there would be any possibility of you being together you have things to work out on your end as well - it all has to be separate of the relationship you had.

 

So now, grieve BP - cry, be sad, let it out, eat some ice cream, but you must pull yourself up by your bootstraps and walk through this. There is no other way. I hope you have a good friend that can help you through this. I had a couple who would allow me to vent, cry, be sad, etc. They were my lifelines. If you don't please find a therapist to help you.

 

Focus more on yourself, your family and your NOW. Give everything you've got to this moment and see what comes. You might be surprised.

[BrokenPrincess]

Thank you everyone for all of the kind support. You have no idea how much it has touched me. This is a lonely time.

 

I managed to fake my way through my sons recreational activity, now he's home napping and I am out "running errands." Translation: I am sitting in the mall parking lot crying my eyes out, just trying to get this awful pain out of my body while I have a little time away from H.

 

This feels so different than after his DDay. Then I was in shock, very anxious, and supreme withdrawal. Now, I just feel deep sorrow, resigned to it, no questioning if I will hear him again or wondering what he's thinking. Just so so sad. I feel crushed. It's really over now.

 

Is this what all break ups feel like? I can't remember I've been with H so long.

[anne1707]

BP

 

Is there anybody IRL you can trust to talk to about what you are going through? Just someone who can provide a shoulder to lean on and the occasional hug?

 

You need to find some kind of release for what you are feeling.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Is this what all break ups feel like? I can't remember I've been with H so long.

 

I understand completely - I have been with my husband for over 30 years - the "pain" I felt from breakups were during high school so that was minimal.

 

Breakup with my XMM was like having a body part ripped off. It was a deep, deep emotional pit I didn't think I was ever going to climb out of. But I did. It took me a very long time because I did some things I shouldn't have done that delayed my healing.

 

I don't know if this is something you want to consider, but maybe telling your husband might be an option? It's very possible that he will be the one to help you through it? You might be able to help each other. I know that in my case, we don't talk a lot about it, but now over 3 years out from my affair and 1 1/2 years out from his, we can talk a little about it from time to time and its like friends discussing painful situations - it's a shared history and a sort of weird bond in that we both understand how this kind of stuff happens. But it took a long time to get there - lots of angry conversations. Now it's more calm. Even though I don't think either of us trust completely, there are some good things about it.

 

It is just a thought - I am certainly not saying its the right thing for you to do. But I would be fairly certain your husband probably knows on a deep level something is wrong, he just can't put his finger on it.

 

If you can't do that, then please find someone you trust to talk to - you are going to need it in the coming weeks and months ahead.

 

Lots of hugs.

[Praying4Peace]

Hi BP-

I feel your pain and it is brining back a lot of emotions for me...but thats okay. I've learned not to be scared of the pain anymore.

 

What really makes me angry (find your anger!) is how after 4 MONTHS NC he is the one who contacted you. Not in a 'drunk dialing' type of way but in a premeditated 'buying a secret cell phone' type of way. Because his 'gut was being ripped out' every day you were in no contact. He needed you to wean him off slowly and you complied. Now he wants NC- MAKE IT STICK FOREVER. Know in your heart that you are done with his selfish behavior. Think about what this quality shows in him- he is weak and selfish. He should have left you alone when you were on that nice vacation with your family.

 

Lilmiss asked if you were willing to share with your H. Has he never known about the A? Only MM's W? If he was to find out, he might contact her and tell her that you two were still in contact up till recently. I'm also worried that deal with your H's anger and withdrawal together is a recipe for disaster.

 

I feel for you- I really do. The anger, the hurt feelings (he can walk away), the fear that you'll never be the same and again and your M will never be the same.

 

Please know that you're not alone and that this day had to come. I really empathize with your pain and wish that no one would have to go through it. The punishment for an A (for women at least) is built into the crime.

[BrokenPrincess]

My H doesn't know about the A at all. MM had DDay last October but she only knows it was only an "inappropriate cyber relationship". She's never expressed an interest in wanting to talk to me, much less my H.

 

I thought about telling my H last night and again today, because I do love him & he's the first person I would turn to for support. Todays he's seen I'm upset but thinks its a bout of depression triggered by some coincidental issues with my FOO (which honestly I don't even have room in my broken state to care about right now)

 

He's been loving and caring. I told him I just feel lost and disconnected from him. He said he doesn't feel like that at all. I think this is my chance to just thank god he didn't suffer the extreme hurt of all this, and Ive got to find a way to heal alone.

 

My goal for next week is to get into IC. I don't really want to go on AD, but I might just do it for any relief from this pain.