It's over

[BrokenPrincess]

Hi BP-

What really makes me angry (find your anger!) is how after 4 MONTHS NC he is the one who contacted you. Not in a 'drunk dialing' type of way but in a premeditated 'buying a secret cell phone' type of way. Because his 'gut was being ripped out' every day you were in no contact. He needed you to wean him off slowly and you complied. Now he wants NC- MAKE IT STICK FOREVER. Know in your heart that you are done with his selfish behavior. Think about what this quality shows in him- he is weak and selfish. He should have left you alone when you were on that nice vacation with your family.

 

Dammit I wish I could get to anger...seems like it would hurt less than sorrow.

 

When I stop this incessant crying, I'm going to keep re-reading this to remind myself that I have a right to get mad too.

[BrokenPrincess]

No, no, no!!!!!!

 

You were not rejected. He loves you very deeply; this is not about rejection.

 

He loved you in the affair compartment; another parallel universe.

 

The parallele universes clashed and in this instance the love does not work. Happens all the time and this has nothing to do with you. This man has a prior family and he now yearns to be honest. For soem it is not easy living as a chater. Perhaps if you had a d-day you would understand.

 

Pierre I want to believe this but it is difficult. I'm trying to remind myself of the whole conversation where he poured his heart out about how he feels/felt about me. At one point he was softly crying and said, "BP, I have never felt for or with anyone the way I do with you, and I won't feel like that with anyone else for the rest of my life. If anything, I want to make sure you knew that."

 

Of course it means nothing for our future together but it does help me try to remember that I wasn't a random worthless person.

[waterwoman]

Hey BP, so sorry, your pain is palpable:( Take care xxx

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

BrokenPrincess.... my eyes just filled with tears when I read his email. But, like everyone here has already said-- I am so thankful you did at least get a 'good bye.' as most stories here can show... many AP's don't get that.

It was equally hard knowing that's the realization my MM may come to at some point, and there's not a thing I can do about it.

 

Did you say a good bye back?

 

Stay strong!

[lilmisscantbewrong]

AD's may help you get through this initial phase - just be real careful with yourself. Watch the alcohol (if you drink) - it will only cause more issues. I wanted to drink to deaden the pain - it only served to make it worse.

 

Sounds like your husband is sympathetic to your pain even though he doesnt know exactly what it is stemming from. Try to lean on him the best you can. You will know when the time is right, if ever.

 

Step by step, minute by minute, day by day, you get the idea. Breathe.

[HonestNeurotic]

Feel better soon. Remember - the worst part is over. The end, that is. It came. So now it gets better - or different - or something. Maybe this is the journey for you to find YOU. Because you are not broken. You are not something "random".

 

At one time in my life, I rather attracted men that wanted to fix me. Cuz they picked up on my self doubts and insecurities. And because I felt that way about myself, it was easier for them to control me by feeding on my fears of not being "good enough". Then, I grew and changed and decided who I really was. So now I can say - you can't fix me cuz I'm not broken. Certainly I have character defects and have a different set of rules that I follow than everyone else. But I'm not broken.

 

If he truly thought of you as nothing of consequence, then he wouldn't have bothered to write you a rather nice goodbye letter. He would have just gone "poof" - or he could have sent you some nastygram.

 

Not meant to minimize your pain. Not at all. I am so sad for you. For any and all of us. {{{{{{{{{{{Princess}}}}}}}}}}

[BrokenPrincess]

These posts have been phenomenal. I have more to say but headed to a concert with H that I've been looking forward to for months. Was gonna cancel, but the sitters already hired and I know later when I've over this crap I'd be mad at myself for missing it.

 

Soooo got my makeup on to hide sad eyes, hair blown out, little dress on and a loving H behind the wheel. Need to embrace and enjoy the life I've worked hard to build over the last 10 years.

[ComingInHot]

Brokenprincess wrote, " Soooo got my makeup on to hide sad eyes, hair blown out, little dress on and a loving H behind the wheel. Need to embrace and enjoy the life I've worked hard to build over the last 10 years."

 

First I am sad you are hurting so much! It's awful having a relationship you vested in end.

 

I feel I need to also state from your above comment, maybe address w/your IC the WHY you want More than what you wrote?!

 

Have fun tonight!

[Praying4Peace]

No, No- you can't force it. It'll come by itself one day after you're done processing and thinking it over and over in your head. For me its not even a raging anger...it's closer to a 'whatever' anger. The raging anger is just a passionate feeling turned inside out.

 

It's waaaaay too soon. Right now hurt is probably the most overwhelming emotion.

 

Your post this morning has really impacted me because I see a lot of similarities, but its easier to see and realize it when it's not yourself.

 

Hope you enjoy your concert and I'm glad you got to get dressed up- that's always a mood lifter!

[BrokenPrincess]

Did you say a good bye back?

 

Stay strong!

 

Thank you Greyhound for your empathy.

 

I did not reply. The email is a shared account we set up for just to send to each other while we've been underground. I was toying with the idea of leaving a response. I don't know if he'll log back in on Monday to see if I wrote anything back or if he's just done & not looking back.

 

One part of me wants to just let him know that I agree, I understand, etc. the other part thinks "F Him" he doesn't deserve to know how I feel anymore.

 

But I'll feel compelled to keep checking to see if he read it and already this morning I am feeling more at peace and I feel like that will get me anxious again.

 

If I'm going to reply though I think I'd need to do it before tomorrow because if he does check it, I'm going to guess it may only be tomorrow and if there's nothing there, he'd assume I'm not going respond.

 

I don't think he was expecting a response. I don't know if he'll come back to see if there is one?

 

Do you think I should leave a response??

[Feb]

No, just leave it be. He'll know you got it if you stick to NC.

[Decorative]

Thank you Greyhound for your empathy.

 

I did not reply. The email is a shared account we set up for just to send to each other while we've been underground. I was toying with the idea of leaving a response. I don't know if he'll log back in on Monday to see if I wrote anything back or if he's just done & not looking back.

 

One part of me wants to just let him know that I agree, I understand, etc. the other part thinks "F Him" he doesn't deserve to know how I feel anymore.

 

But I'll feel compelled to keep checking to see if he read it and already this morning I am feeling more at peace and I feel like that will get me anxious again.

 

If I'm going to reply though I think I'd need to do it before tomorrow because if he does check it, I'm going to guess it may only be tomorrow and if there's nothing there, he'd assume I'm not going respond.

 

I don't think he was expecting a response. I don't know if he'll come back to see if there is one?

 

Do you think I should leave a response??

 

I think you should not leave a response.

 

I actually think you should scramble the password. So that it cannot be an avenue of communication.

 

Rip the proverbial bandaid off.

 

You need to heal. Further contact with him is just going to run dirt into the wound.

 

I don't see how that helps you.

 

I hope you find peace, and that there are good times ahead for you. I know it doesn't seem like this now, but I really feel like this could be the beginning of good things in your life.

[Goodbye]

If you can muster the strength to not respond, that would be for the best. How are you feeling today? How was your date with your H last night?

[anna121]

I read all your posts last night. I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cliff and your posts have helped me see that there is no 'there' there.

 

I'm so sorry for your pain.

 

I agree with eliminating the shared email account altogether.

 

I hope you had a fun time at the concert last night.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My advice would be not to respond at all and don't check it.

 

My XMM and I set up email accounts after we met to end it after the second dday. We knew that they would make us cut off contact and at that point neither one of us could do it - we had to know how the other was doing even if it was sporadically.

 

But two months later he confessed to his wife that we had still been having contact and he wrote me a "no contact" email (with her standing over top of him - he said she made him do it ). I think I mentioned before I tried to respond but he had deleted the account. That was the worst feeling when that email came back undeliverable.

 

We did have conversations two months later than that but then he went completely silent.

 

Let him wonder and keep yourself in nc - best remedy for your personal healing.

[lifelesson101]

As much as you are hurting, you received a very kind note in the end. Most of us are not so l lucky. I received a two-line, NC dump-note, after a long term affair with daily contact and intense connection.

 

Everyone who has advised you not to contact him and move forward is correct.

 

It has been several months now since my NC letter from exMM. I did not respond it, I think if I had it would have slowed my healing.

 

By the way, I am not completely healed. I am just doing a little bit better every day. I am still all over the place emotionally. Some days I have crying jags that last for hours.... some days I seethe and I am so pissed I cannot see straight. Having said that, most days I REALLY AM all right and doing so much better with my life of lies and deceit placed in my past.

 

In about 30 days the freedom of being out from under the lies and deception that were controlling your life will hit you like strong breath of fresh air. Hang on to the feeling. It will help you get through this.

[BrokenPrincess]

If you can muster the strength to not respond, that would be for the best. How are you feeling today? How was your date with your H last night?

 

It was a pretty good night, considering my fragile emotional state. I didn't realize until we were sitting there enjoying the concert, the last time I was at that venue was the night before DDay. I was triggering very badly thinking if that night, I was with a girlfriend watching a band play live the sings MM had told me reminded him of me & the impact I've had on him. It took me right back to that night, him messaging me so many sweet things while I was there.

 

So I cried a little in secret during a couple of the songs. It was like a zombie out of body experience hearing the music and thinking about how it's really over now.

 

But overall, I did have fun with H and was trying to stay focused in the present.

Unfortunately, once we got home, he went to sleep, I tossed & turned til 2am then woke up at 4:30, disoriented about what had happened, then my mind just spinning. For most of the morning though I was feeling relieved and free, now back to sad.

 

I started drafting a response but reading all the advice here, I don't think I will send it. I don't know, I can't decide.

[BrokenPrincess]

My advice would be not to respond at all and don't check it.

 

Let him wonder and keep yourself in nc - best remedy for your personal healing.

 

Ouch LilMiss...it just isn't the same after DDay and I'm sure your xMM was doing whatever he could to keep his M together. It's like sucking the life out of the relationship slowly.

 

I think your 2 pieces of advice here are the right thing to do (especially since no one thinks I should respond). One hour at a time...

[Feb]

BP, you are so emotionally raw right now (and I don't blame you), that what you think might be the right answer is really not. Ask Goodbye and some of the others that made some quick decisions in the heat of the moment if the regretted it and they all say they did. Everyone so far as advised that you not send a reply. That is really your first test of strength in remaining in NC, and we want you to pass that test!

 

You might say, "A response will at least tell him I received the email.". Why does he need or even deserve that? His email was the only closure you will get. Contacting him again just leaves the wound open.

 

 

We're all here to help. Although the advise and words of wisdom are sometimes very direct and firm, I can see that most of it really comes from the heart from the posters here. We don't know each other and we have no other reason to take time out to give advice other than to help each other heal.

 

 

(((big hugs)))

[GreyhoundtoNowhere]

Like everyone else has said, I don't think you should respond. I know that if it had been me.... the first few months of my A- I might have had a knee-jerk reaction and responded, but you learn things the longer you go.

 

It is so rare that you get an honest good bye letter. And, if you do send one back-- will you still have that small ounce of hope that he'll re-think things and will you be secretly hoping he'll then also write back? I know deep down I would. So, it may be best to (like he said) take the good memories with you, know that you have that "closure" most people here want-- and use all of this to get the actual closure that can only come from yourself.

 

If you need to- post your draft here. Otherwise, just keep reminding yourself there is a light at the end of the tunnel (at least that is what I hear).

[Feb]

I like Greyhound's technique of posting your letter here just to get things out of your system. That honestly does help. I have an hour commute to and from work, and in those hours I have many talking conversations in the car of all the things I want to say to xAP. You need an outet.

[BrokenPrincess]

BP, I've noticed something as a theme in your posts from your own words and it's something you need to address so you won't find yourself in this situation again. So much of this affair is wrapped up into him making you feel wanted and valid. See bolded above as an example. BP, I say this out of concern and care because something in me gets it, because I've been there myself. There is some empty hole inside yourself, that you have tried to fill with this affair, this man. It won't do it hon, it just won't. Figure out where that painful place is, so YOU can fix it.

 

Hugs...........

 

You're exactly right LG...I think this is why I need to start IC with a different counselor than I tried a few months ago.

 

I am generally thought of as an independent, driven woman. School always came easy to me and now I have a decent job at a great company. My family is nearby, very tight knit, and I have many long-term friendships and plenty of casual acquaintances. Before my A, others have admired what a loyal and committed friend I am (fraud). My life has not endured major trauma and my hard work has paid off to build a settled and comfortable life.

 

But despite all that, I have always had self-esteem issues. I want to be perfect.

 

I have been fortunate that somehow I've still managed to have serious relationships with wonderful, caring, desirable men. My H loves me, he wants me all the time. He is a good man, a phenomenal father, and strikingly handsome.

 

With my MM, I was attracted to him the first time I saw him. I have only felt like that once before, when I met H. But in MM, I felt like I "had met my match." He's smart, funny, enthusiastic, and supportive. In some ways, I wonder if it was the challenge that really drew me into the A--not the challenge of him being married, but the way he would push me to be better when everything else in my life is just coasting along.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I only speak from my experience and some of the stupid mistakes I made early on. If I had been able to remain strong and not appear so desperate it might have made a difference, I don't know if the outcome would be any different, but I can tell you I would have had my dignity for sure. Now I look back at some of the ways I responded and things I did and cringe.

 

I wish I had found this board at that time because I am certain there would have been people that would have been further down the path than I was that could have helped me change my course.

 

That is why I am here. I want to help others with the knowledge that I now have. It still isn't easy at times, but its better

[Praying4Peace]

You're exactly right LG...I think this is why I need to start IC with a different counselor than I tried a few months ago.

 

I am generally thought of as an independent, driven woman. School always came easy to me and now I have a decent job at a great company. My family is nearby, very tight knit, and I have many long-term friendships and plenty of casual acquaintances. Before my A, others have admired what a loyal and committed friend I am (fraud). My life has not endured major trauma and my hard work has paid off to build a settled and comfortable life.

 

But despite all that, I have always had self-esteem issues. I want to be perfect.

 

I have been fortunate that somehow I've still managed to have serious relationships with wonderful, caring, desirable men. My H loves me, he wants me all the time. He is a good man, a phenomenal father, and strikingly handsome.

 

With my MM, I was attracted to him the first time I saw him. I have only felt like that once before, when I met H. But in MM, I felt like I "had met my match." He's smart, funny, enthusiastic, and supportive. In some ways, I wonder if it was the challenge that really drew me into the A--not the challenge of him being married, but the way he would push me to be better when everything else in my life is just coasting along.

 

Wow BP. This is totally me and how it was with my exAP. I was attracted to his personality before his looks but that's just how i am. Especially the bolded parts (lol I bolded everything!). It's so strange to read something you feel like you've written.

[Decorative]

You're exactly right LG...I think this is why I need to start IC with a different counselor than I tried a few months ago.

 

I am generally thought of as an independent, driven woman. School always came easy to me and now I have a decent job at a great company. My family is nearby, very tight knit, and I have many long-term friendships and plenty of casual acquaintances. Before my A, others have admired what a loyal and committed friend I am (fraud). My life has not endured major trauma and my hard work has paid off to build a settled and comfortable life.

 

But despite all that, I have always had self-esteem issues. I want to be perfect.

 

I have been fortunate that somehow I've still managed to have serious relationships with wonderful, caring, desirable men. My H loves me, he wants me all the time. He is a good man, a phenomenal father, and strikingly handsome.

 

With my MM, I was attracted to him the first time I saw him. I have only felt like that once before, when I met H. But in MM, I felt like I "had met my match." He's smart, funny, enthusiastic, and supportive. In some ways, I wonder if it was the challenge that really drew me into the A--not the challenge of him being married, but the way he would push me to be better when everything else in my life is just coasting along.

 

 

Gently - with time and perspective- you will realize he did not push you to be better. He brought out a part of you that is not honorable or admirable.

 

And that's what you need to remember, as you move up and away from this.

 

People who push us positively make us better people- they don't ask us to lie and deceive those who love us. That's not true affection or even a friend.

 

So try and look at it differently.