It's over

[BrokenPrincess]

Had kind of a roller coaster of emotions yesterday but today felt like I was back on the strong path. Then my coworker just called me with a quixk question, we're talking for a minute and she goes "Oh I heard from xMM last week!"

 

My stomach dropped. I thought I had misheard her. She said he emailed her last week just to see how things were going. She said yeah, sounds like he likes his new job, he's doing quite a bit of traveling, he's doing good. My cheeks were (still are burning), felt (still feel) knots churning in my stomach. I didn't know what to say so I went with "Oh well that's good. I haven't really talk to him in a while." Meanwhile my head is spinning thinking of his voice, his touch, the laugh lines around his eyes.

 

Will never see, hear, or feel any of that ever again...

[DelusionalOne]

Had kind of a roller coaster of emotions yesterday but today felt like I was back on the strong path. Then my coworker just called me with a quixk question, we're talking for a minute and she goes "Oh I heard from xMM last week!"

 

My stomach dropped. I thought I had misheard her. She said he emailed her last week just to see how things were going. She said yeah, sounds like he likes his new job, he's doing quite a bit of traveling, he's doing good. My cheeks were (still are burning), felt (still feel) knots churning in my stomach. I didn't know what to say so I went with "Oh well that's good. I haven't really talk to him in a while."

 

UGH! I know how that feels though... I am wondering when I will stop feeling kicked in the stomach whenever someone mentions xMM to me, which is about 3 or 4 times a week. I usually am just hoping that my poker face is holding up.

 

 

Meanwhile my head is spinning thinking of his voice, his touch, the laugh lines around his eyes.......Will never see, hear, or feel any of that ever again...

 

There was a while when the thought of that would actually cause me physical pain.... I WILL NOT allow myself such thoughts now. I can't.

 

 

I wish I knew what to say to you, something to make you feel better... but I don't. I do sympathize with everything you are feeling right now though.

[veryhappy]

Those intense feelings will dim if you allow them to. Now you can still feel and crave his touch, his voice, his presence. Time helps if you let it help, but it's excrutiating at first.

 

Did he need to be in contact with your coworker? He might have been fishing for info about you or it was a way to get in contact with you. I hope he leaves you alone, because it's much easier to maintain NC if the other side is doing it too. I hope by the time he comes trying again, you'll be strong enough to tell him to eff off or simply not say anything.

 

Yes, you won't feel those feelings again, but he won't either. And it was his choice. Focus on that - he chose not to be with you. I know you were willing to continue the A, but you've seen that's no a way to live.

Edited May 9, 2013 by cutedragon

[Decorative]

You have to stop this- you will not process or move forward if you sit there focusing on this guy.

 

Telling your spouse would give you something else to think about. You'd stop being so self focused- and have to deal with reality.

 

Look. This MM? He used you. And he threw you away. He did. It may feel like real passion and love- but there were no real actions to back it up.

 

And a person who truly cares for you would not have ended it as he did, not would he have lowered your standards and made you into a liar by cheating with him.

 

 

Do you see that? Can you?

 

Because I see an intelligent woman. With a bright career and a lovely family- and a million positives for her who is choosing to wallow in pain.

 

No good comes from this. None.

[Praying4Peace]

Try not to think about him but if you do then let it go. Feel whatever emotions you feel. Your mind and body have what it takes to heal from this. It is still early for you.

 

One day- you'll think of him and decide you don't want to feel that pain again. You won't WANT to go back there in your head. Your mind will naturally veer away from thoughts of him. That's what's happening to me.

[BrokenPrincess]

Today is my wedding anniversary.

 

Last year I spent it in my bed talking to xMM all night because H didn't come home til 2 am (he apparently decided to go out drinking with the guys after a game & didn't tell me)

 

This year I woke up to a loving card, flowers just got delivered, and we're going out for a family dinner.

 

I've been trying to spend most of today thinking about our wedding day. How incredibly happy I was that day and all the love that was in the room, not just between H & I, but from all our friends & family truly celebrating us as a couple.

 

It's felt a little sickening to think about what's happened since then, but in the spirit of moving forward, I am trying to stay focused on the positive, just embracing today & all the blessings around me.

[Goodbye]

Today is my wedding anniversary.

 

Last year I spent it in my bed talking to xMM all night because H didn't come home til 2 am (he apparently decided to go out drinking with the guys after a game & didn't tell me)

 

This year I woke up to a loving card, flowers just got delivered, and we're going out for a family dinner.

 

I've been trying to spend most of today thinking about our wedding day. How incredibly happy I was that day and all the love that was in the room, not just between H & I, but from all our friends & family truly celebrating us as a couple.

 

It's felt a little sickening to think about what's happened since then, but in the spirit of moving forward, I am trying to stay focused on the positive, just embracing today & all the blessings around me.

 

That is good Broken P. Does your H know about your affair?

[BrokenPrincess]

That is good Broken P. Does your H know about your affair?

 

No he doesn't. I wasn't sure if I should even post because of the controversy. but its a part of my recovery and I figured there must be other married APs out there who've dealt with being in an A on their anniversary. Hopefully on this day next year xMM won't even be a fleeting thought.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not going to try to convince you to tell your husband.. But, DO counseling. Affair proof your marriage. Have strong boundries, don't befriend MM, let alone men UNLESS your H is involved and knows them too, become couple friends (H and W) and any 'best friend' should be a woman.

[DelusionalOne]

No he doesn't. I wasn't sure if I should even post because of the controversy. but its a part of my recovery and I figured there must be other married APs out there who've dealt with being in an A on their anniversary. Hopefully on this day next year xMM won't even be a fleeting thought.

 

*Raising my hand*. My wedding anniversary is coming up as well. Last year I spent it texting the xMM. This year DH and I have dinner plans. My DH does know what happened. We both have a "history" now. And we are going to make it work. Me a lot more understand what went on with him and him a lot more understanding of what it feels like.

[ComingInHot]

BrokenPrincess, !!!!!HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!!

!!!!!HAPPY NEW BEGINNING!!!!!!!

!!!!!A TOAST TO A FAMILY INTACT!!!!!

[anne1707]

BP

 

At times, the things you post remind me so much of how I felt and acted when I was in my affair. It went on for 3 years and even though the affair was supposedly over without my H knowing, I was still in a complete mess about it all. I got to the stage where I was sisk and tired of lying anymore. I knew I had to tell my H the truth no matter how much pain it caused and no matter what it did to our marriage. I knew that was the ony way for the lies to stop.

 

When I told my H, it was truly awful. I have never seen him in so much pain and anger and I never want to see him like that again. One of the things that I can still clearly remember was him saying that no wonder our marriage had been so hard - even though he did not know about the affair, he knew something was not quite right. This is probably how your H feels and has felt for a long time (I can imagine that being the reason why he went out on your anniversary last year - you had put the barriers up that stopped him being close to you).

 

Thankfully my H and I have reconciled and are doing good. I am not saying that you WILL reconcile if you tell the truth but I am saying that you COULD reconcile. I however do not see any way at all that your marriage can continue and be truly successful and happy if you continue the lies. I also cannot see how you will ever let go of this image you have of the OM whilst you continue to lie.

 

You have to remember that if you get past this and think everything is OK, if and when your H finds out, even if in years to come, it will be as if it had all just happened to him. In his mind, the marriage will have been a sham not just during the affair but also in all the years you have lied about it since.

 

You had an affair. You now have to take responsibility for what you have done to your marriage and your family.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

BP, think about this. His wife knows something - you don't know exactly what. But who is to say that one day she doesn't pick up the phone and call your husband in a moment of anger?

 

My husband's xow's husband does not know about the affair they had. I have that knowledge and I am fairly certain there are others that do as well. I guess I am one to believe now that secrets do not remain secrets forever. I know eventually this man is going to find out that his wife had an affair with my husband. When he told me that she called him while I was gone and then showed up at the office he said he panicked and disappeared. He is one to just bury his head in the sand and hope it goes away, but in reality he doesn't know what will happen - he is nervous every time wondering "is this the day?" Honestly there are times I have wanted to tell her husband, but I haven't. I don't know him at all and even though there are many people on this board and other boards who think I should, I do no believe its mine to tell.

 

All of this to say, it would be way better coming from you than someone else - especially his wife. I am not telling you what to do - that is your decision. Most men are problem solvers in a way. They want to know the issue and then figure out how to fix it. I know my husbands mind thinks that way. When I went through my affair that was the hardest thing for him because he wanted to fix it right away and when the counselor told him it could take a couple of years, he didn't want to hear that because its in his nature to problem solve. It is highly likely that if your husband knew, even though there would be anger and pain, at least he would know what the problem is (because he obviously knows there is a problem) and you can figure out together how to put a plan in motion to work toward a goal for the two of you - whatever that outcome is.

 

Let him be a part of that process and decision making - it's his marriage too.

 

Hugs.