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I am extremely uptight, and do not feel worthy of love or friends

NordicStripes

By NordicStripes,
in Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being

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NordicStripes

NordicStripes

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Hello,

 

just wanted to throw this out there, as I don't really have anyone I can tell this to.

 

I have always been a very shy, introverted person (INTJ personality type), but during highschool and university I had a very active social life! Especially at university, as I studies abroad and was forced to make new friends. That went really well, and I had the time of life!

 

However, I had to return to my homecountry, and with that lost all the friends I had. Location, location, location, right?

I then met my boyfriend, and this was 5 years ago. Things went great, although after 3 years he dumped me and went on to bang someone he worked with. Then he decided it was me he loved (after about 3 weeks), and I took him back a couple of weeks after that.

 

Since then, I have been falling into a depression I think. I have always been a little bit uptight (never did drugs, didn't want to be around people who did drugs, and the same with cigarettes). I was uptight about these things with my bf as well, as he smoked an did smoke weed sometimes too. I HATE this!

 

He has now stopped smoking, but three weeks ago he did smoke with his friends and that just threw me in a fit! It made me feel like he is an incredibly unreliable and immature person. Quitting means quitting, and not 'occasionally' still doing it! Same with drugs... he's planning a week-end with his mates and I know drugs will be involved. That's always the case with these guys. And it makes me so incredibly angry!! When he does these things I lose respect for him, as I feel he acts like a 14 year old: doing things because his friends do them (he never does this when he's with me or by himself).

 

Also, since he dumped me, I feel very insecure, get angry a lot, and he promised me he would text me while he was away with friends so I would know where he was and with whom. Also, I could call him whenever I felt like it.

Yesterday, he went out and I didn't hear from him. I went crazy!

 

One of his friends, and his girlfriend who I have never met, want to do couples dating, but to be honest I don't feel like seeing/meeting them. This friend is one of the friends my bf bragged to about sleeping with his colleague. It's embarrassing and humiliating for me. He knows I wasn't good enough...

 

He keeps telling me he understands my concerns and he loves me very much, but the fact is, I feel like I am no fun whatsoever. I have work, I come home, I go to bed. That's about it. I have no social life at all. I wouldn't even know where to meet people. I do an evening class once a week and it's with all girls my age and they're nice, but not sociable outside the classroom.

 

I feel like I'm stuck in my life, and with myself. And I don't know how to get out... I used to be so happy, and now I'm just miserable all the time! I don't sleep anymore, I'm too anxious to fall asleep, and when I do fall asleep I wake up very early -much earlier than I have to - because I feel anxious, and I feel like I should DO something, but I don't know what.

 

I went to talk to a psychologist and she wants to treat me, but I can't afford it for the next couple of months, so that will have to wait...

 

Oh God, I don't even know if anyone could help with this.... just thought I'd get it off my chest! Thanks for reading.

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RachR

RachR

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You and your boyfriend are incompatible. And deep down, just a guess, maybe you feel it's disrespecting yourself to take back someone who banged a coworker then you took back...who no less bragged about it to friends. I know I would feel that way anyway. And he has no integrity. Really, there's got to be someone more compatible for you out there. Don't sell yourself short you're too uptight - I'm sure you could find a guy who likes you as you are, and you like him as he is. That's what dating is about.

 

You do sound depressed. If you decide to split with your boyfriend, I'd advise working on yourself a bit mentally (seeing your therapist) before you get in a relationship again.

 

Ask someone from your class to go hang out for a coffee afterwards - just reach out! See how it works. You might find you realize there's more out there, once you start branching out.

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Emilia

Emilia

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I went to talk to a psychologist and she wants to treat me, but I can't afford it for the next couple of months, so that will have to wait...

 

Oh God, I don't even know if anyone could help with this.... just thought I'd get it off my chest! Thanks for reading.

 

Sound like you are the perfect candidate to read the book I'm currently reading http://www.amazon.co.uk/Suck-Lemon-Strategies-Improving-Intelligence/dp/1456515608

 

I'm guessing you were raised by a controlling parent or parents? You have very rigid and strict views on how people should behave, that they should be considerate. You feel hurt and angry when you get criticised. Am I getting warm?

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NordicStripes

NordicStripes

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Emilia, not just warm... spot on! Do you have the same background?

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Emilia

Emilia

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Emilia, not just warm... spot on! Do you have the same background?

I think so and only started disliking the restrictions it puts on my life relatively recently. Its something I dont like in myself and honestly that book I linked in my previous post is so good. Perhaps something you want to read before you start therapy.

 

Ive had a couple of breakthroughs where I managed to completely change the emotional response to a situation that used to make me angry before. Your response is your choice.

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NordicStripes

NordicStripes

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Glad to hear it's not just me ^^I just ordered the book, should arrive here in a couple of days. I'm curious to see if it will help me as well...

 

When did you start reading it? Do you believe things can really change? Isn't all this just part of personalities?

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Emilia

Emilia

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Glad to hear it's not just me ^^I just ordered the book, should arrive here in a couple of days. I'm curious to see if it will help me as well...

 

When did you start reading it? Do you believe things can really change? Isn't all this just part of personalities?

 

I started it a few days ago, I'm about half-way. There is a poster called Treasa who started a thread on this forum, probably not very far below yours and when she mentioned it, it sounded like something that would help me.

 

I don't want to say too much because I think you should read it with an open mind but the idea is that it's your thought process to events that provokes your own negative responses, rather than others' behaviour.

 

A lot of the book is based on the idea that in our society we are taught that others' behaviour makes us feel in a certain way while in reality it is our perceptions, our controlling tendencies, etc that makes us think that we should emotionally respond the way we do.

 

I think if you want to change your personality you can when you understand what makes you think or feel the way you do.

 

It would be good to discuss the book in a few days and see what you think.

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NordicStripes

NordicStripes

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That would be great. It should arrive here by Thursday, I hope I'll be home to receive the package!

 

Thank you :)

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Emilia

Emilia

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Just got it today! Will start reading it tonight :)

 

Haha ok, no hurry. Was just wondering. I have the last chapter left, keep forgetting about it.

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