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How should I have handled this?


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bob the brave

Sorry for the length. I shortened up as best I could, but any advice would be super.

 

Up front, allow me to state that I belive anyone that knows me would agree with the description that I am a funny, nice, easy-going good guy. I try to respect and care about everyone, which most of the time is as easy as breathing. But this time I nearly choked to death. My actions here are really uncharacteristic and I am not happy about it.

 

Liked girl at work, she declinced, makeing short jokes (5'9" she is 5'7"). She was very callus actually running away from me to the shipping guys. This was surprising as she seemed so sweet and we would laugh for hours. It was difficult watching her befriend these guys and run from me, but I took a positive outlook and was understanding. I was still nice and joked but distanced myself appropriately so she wouldn't be uncomfortable. That is, no personal questions, lengthy talks or across the room glances. I know she felt bad and tried to be nice.

 

Then she hooked up with one of the shipping guys who is a married player (she knew this). The guy is a first-class db (she knew this too) which made it hurt even more. He threw a lot of cheap shots my way in front of her trying to score and thin the competition. Finally, after they hooked up, knowing I liked her, he came to me in private, got up in my face real insulting like only 1/2" away with chest out and said, "I did it and there is nothing you can do about it." Since he wasn't explicit, I couldn't hit him out right which is, of course, why he said it that way. So, I just got back in his face and said, "What the hell is that supposed to mean?". But, we both knew. He said nothing more, just grinned and walked away. I also got second-hand verification of this, so it is not empty boasting.

 

As time went on, she seemed to grow more conflicted about the way she treated me. It seemed it bothered her that I was still nice but distant. After a while, she finally discovered what a real db this guy is and came to me complaining this guy is a zero and wanted to know if I still cared for her? I wanted to care, but I was still hurt and thought any girl that could act this way couldn't actually care for or respect anyone. So, I just shook my head no and changed the subject. She seemed very upset by this and wouldn't speak to either of us the following day.

 

BTW, both the player and her have small daughters (not together), drink a lot and she has a DWI and during this I acquired a serious chronic illness which made things harder to weather.

 

She eventually made friends with the player again. Then one day we were joking (shipping guys and me) and he made another remark about ******* her. I really liked this girl, more than I knew. Somethimg just snapped, I think my heart broke. I never spoke to her or the player again. He tried to make friends, but I would not allow this as he thinks he can abuse and use people at will and felt reciprication would merely validate this in his mind. After repeated attempts, I eventually had to tell him to **** off and keep to himself.

 

It has been one year now. I pass her desk without a word. I pass him without a word. We all used to laugh and joke together. They still do. She is now married six months from someone outside the company and recently pregnant (after marriage). The whole scene is very difficult for me to accept. She was a massive party girl. Had I known she was making a life change, I would have been more understanding. But all that was apparent to me before this was a callus party girl who only cares about herself. There was tons of evidence to suppor this and nothing to support the idea of what she has become - family girl.

 

How should I have handled this?

Edited by bob the brave
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You still don't talk to her right? My impression from what you've said is that she's very immature (she ran from you, that's pretty immature) and doesn't sound like someone who respects herself or others. I think you did a wise thing ending contact with both of them...they sound toxic. It's good she rejected you in the sense you aren't caught in her web...she and the other guy have issues.

 

I worry too, as you mention she's pregnant and still partying. When you say she parties, do you mean she drinks, hooks up with different guys?

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Roadkill007

Maybe she matured in part because of your reaction that "hurt" her. Either way, no use thinking about it any more, really. Ironically, it's probably affecting you more than either of them, atm. Try not to get bothered too much about it. You can't be superman ;)

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bob the brave
I worry too, as you mention she's pregnant and still partying. When you say she parties, do you mean she drinks, hooks up with different guys?

 

I've seen her drink till she pasess out twice. She always seemed attracted to the biggest ***hole, whoever that is. That is, the loudest party boy. Nothing wrong with that. It's just when you sacrifice respecting people and your own integrity, things turn to ****. I always wondered who was watching her daughter.

 

I like having a good time and kidding around. I take work as least serious as possible, but sometimes these shipping guys were over the top. Once I made the joking comment that it was like 7th detention hall. She surprisingly took offense to this.

 

I think she has cut out that kind of partying for the most part since she married and hopefully drinking and smoking while pregnant. That is what bothers me the most I think. She made fun of me for having a lifestyle that she has now adopted with another guy.

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TaraMaiden

Why do you still even care?

 

Jeesh, talk about perpetuating your own misery.....

Stop, already, let it go!!

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