Ex is talking bad about me.

[jenn_64]

Hi everyone,

two months ago my ex broke up with me because he said he felt like my punching bag. I admit I made mistakes and have things about me that need to change. I have had hope of getting back together with this guy, except after last night I see that me and him are on two totally different pages.

A mutual friend spoke to him and asked about me. He said a bunch of crap like "I know she's no good for me and she has hurt me a lot, i'm not looking back anymore." Then he went on saying he got his heart ripped out, was taken advantage of, and used. It seems like he is viewing the relationship very negatively when I know that things were not always bad.

I feel like my heart got ripped out after hearing about all of this too. I thought I made this guy happy and valued him when we were together.

What do I do? Is this smack talking supposed to mean something? Why is this guy talking about me like I was a monster?

[CorridorE]

Don't do anything. I know hearing that must have hurt, but he's just trying to rationalize the breakup by talking down about you. And if that's all he remembers about your relationship, he's not someone you should want to be with anyway, even if you did make mistakes.

[Seachelle1]

Jenn,

 

I understand! I'm so sorry this happened and you heard that. That happened to me too. It ripped me apart because I was trying so hard to make sure that my ex would be able to move on and was working to give him what he needed in that. I tried very hard to give him respect. Then I heard what he'd been saying about me...

 

For me, it was extremely hard to hear but it helped me to ultimately move on. It showed me how he was unable to take responsibility for his part in the relationship, he was unable to man up and see things as they were.

 

I hope my experience will help you here: I cried and fretted for awhile after that. I even confronted my ex for hearing bad things second hand about me (it was right for me, but not right for everyone). His response in my confrontation of how he treated me ultimately helped me move on. It was so gross what he did and how he responded that I don't even want him to have an idea of what I'm doing and now I have no compulsion to look him up and see what he's doing. It was very painful but all the attachments between us are cut now.

 

I cried A LOT. Every day. My self esteem was shattered and it's not too high to begin with. So I went to therapy which I'm still attending. I had some other stuff to go to counseling for. What my therapist advised me was that my ex had little insight into himself and little insight as to how his actions hurt me. He was pretty selfish. Another mentor always said to me that it was none of my business what other people think of me. That helped me a lot. It helped me focus on me and get self esteem from me and not what others thought of me.

 

Other people will let you down. You are your own best person. As Toni Morrison writes, "You your best thing, Sethe. You are." And then Sethe responds, "Me? Me?"

 

I don't know how much that will help you (not much if self esteem isn't an issue for you). Everyone is different but maybe there are some similarities here that you can gain from. I really hope things get better for you. You'll make it, you'll do better every day, you'll come out on the other side and be stronger for it. Take care of yourself! You deserve better than this guy. He shouldn't be talking bad about you like that.

[hppr]

I don't buy it. Men don't go around talking about nice, sweet women as being horrible bitches who tore their hearts out. I have had several ex's and the only one I talk about like that is the one who tortured my cat because she was mad at me. Sorry but you did something (those 'mistakes') that was really, really bad and if he is that unhappy about you the odds of getting back together are next to nil.

[TaraMaiden]

He's not 'talking bad' about you; he's expressing his feelings and how you made him feel.

 

There's nothing wrong with anyone revealing their broken heart and why it's broken.... pain is something that happens in these cases....

 

See... when you admit to 'this'....

 

I admit I made mistakes and have things about me that need to change.

 

And you're only thinking of changing them now (too little too late)...

 

you can't blame the guy for telling it like it is.

Slander is one thing.

But if he's just expressing how he feels - suck it up.

[Seachelle1]

But TaraMaiden,

 

He's not telling HER, he's telling other people.

 

I accept that I did crap things in my relationship. I have listened to criticisms that were brought to me in respect and communication. But in this case he's out talking to others who then went to her and told her. I don't think that's a mistake on his part, it's passive aggressive revenge.

 

If he needs to talk then choose a couple close friends who keep their mouths shut. If he needs to confront her then he should do so in a controlled, respectful manner. This he said/she said only causes pain. A kindergarten s and m game of telephone, if you will.

[Seachelle1]

hppr:

 

She tortured your cat?!?!

 

Anybody who hurts animals or children deserves slow, painful deaths. God. Who does that? My cats are therapy cats, my babies. I go crazy a little when anything happens to them. I feed them organic food and treats, I love them so much and they love me unconditionally. Moonpaws licks my face and hands when I'm crying and has saved me at my darkest moments. I know I'm a crazy cat lady, but I'm a loving crazy cat lady. I'd dump a guy so quick who laid a hand on them.

 

Yeah. Keep talking bad about that one. I hope she's far, far away from you now.

[TaraMaiden]

But TaraMaiden,

 

He's not telling HER, he's telling other people.

 

I accept that I did crap things in my relationship. I have listened to criticisms that were brought to me in respect and communication. But in this case he's out talking to others who then went to her and told her. I don't think that's a mistake on his part, it's passive aggressive revenge.

 

If he needs to talk then choose a couple close friends who keep their mouths shut. If he needs to confront her then he should do so in a controlled, respectful manner. This he said/she said only causes pain. A kindergarten s and m game of telephone, if you will.

 

He talked about her to one person - not 'other people'.

 

It's natural for people who feel sad, heartbroken and badly done by, to talk about this to their friends.

 

And this person happened to be a mutual friend.

There was no tacit assumption that this would or would not get back to her....and when people are that much in pain, sometimes, they don't stop to think about how confidential they want the discussion to be - they just want to vent.

 

She treated him badly - by her own admission, her actions were not altogether favourable (Karma)

 

Now, she's being spoken about by her ex- in less than glowing terms. (Vipaka.)

 

Tough luck.

It happens.

[Keenly]

If you really did treat him like crap, then why is he not allowed to tell other people how you made him feel?

[Seachelle1]

TaraMaiden:

 

I agree with you that genuine pain and reaching out to heal the pain is normal in some situations, but not others.

 

I don't know OP or the situation intimately enough to have a fact-based opinion. I think a lot of us reach out and give OP advice based on our own lives and past experience. Some advice will be right for her, some won't. Hopefully she has the wisdom to put on the right advice based on who she is, what happened and where she wants to go in this. I'm glad she has both sides of the coin to consider. Thanks. It helps me, too, to understand all sides and angles.

[jenn_64]

I don't buy it. Men don't go around talking about nice, sweet women as being horrible bitches who tore their hearts out. I have had several ex's and the only one I talk about like that is the one who tortured my cat because she was mad at me. Sorry but you did something (those 'mistakes') that was really, really bad and if he is that unhappy about you the odds of getting back together are next to nil.

 

He said he will always care and he still loves me but we will never get back together. The relationship is ruined beyond repair. If he was never happy with me why did he stick around for so long? He had me fooled. He always said I made him so happy and one day he said that was it. I wish the best for him but I've been hurt as well.

[jenn_64]

But TaraMaiden,

 

He's not telling HER, he's telling other people.

 

I accept that I did crap things in my relationship. I have listened to criticisms that were brought to me in respect and communication. But in this case he's out talking to others who then went to her and told her. I don't think that's a mistake on his part, it's passive aggressive revenge.

 

If he needs to talk then choose a couple close friends who keep their mouths shut. If he needs to confront her then he should do so in a controlled, respectful manner. This he said/she said only causes pain. A kindergarten s and m game of telephone, if you will.

 

I'm glad to see that you seem to understand where I'm coming from. I know I messed up the relationship. I'm not going to lie. I admit to my mistakes. However, has it not been enough punishment already? The break up has been hard on me already. Now I can finally understand why other mutual friends have been acting strange. He's going around telling people about what a horrible person I am when he and I both know things weren't always bad. I have tried to talk to him calmly but he refuses. I give up. This guy is too focused on the bad things and I doubt he is able to heal like that.

[jenn_64]

He talked about her to one person - not 'other people'.

 

It's natural for people who feel sad, heartbroken and badly done by, to talk about this to their friends.

 

And this person happened to be a mutual friend.

There was no tacit assumption that this would or would not get back to her....and when people are that much in pain, sometimes, they don't stop to think about how confidential they want the discussion to be - they just want to vent.

 

She treated him badly - by her own admission, her actions were not altogether favourable (Karma)

 

Now, she's being spoken about by her ex- in less than glowing terms. (Vipaka.)

 

Tough luck.

It happens.

 

Yes, tough luck. I know it's my karma. However, I don't think it's a coincidence that a lot of other mutual friends have been acting strange. I hope he finds peace and learns to move on without so much anger and hate towards me.

[jenn_64]

Jenn,

 

I understand! I'm so sorry this happened and you heard that. That happened to me too. It ripped me apart because I was trying so hard to make sure that my ex would be able to move on and was working to give him what he needed in that. I tried very hard to give him respect. Then I heard what he'd been saying about me...

 

For me, it was extremely hard to hear but it helped me to ultimately move on. It showed me how he was unable to take responsibility for his part in the relationship, he was unable to man up and see things as they were.

 

I hope my experience will help you here: I cried and fretted for awhile after that. I even confronted my ex for hearing bad things second hand about me (it was right for me, but not right for everyone). His response in my confrontation of how he treated me ultimately helped me move on. It was so gross what he did and how he responded that I don't even want him to have an idea of what I'm doing and now I have no compulsion to look him up and see what he's doing. It was very painful but all the attachments between us are cut now.

 

I cried A LOT. Every day. My self esteem was shattered and it's not too high to begin with. So I went to therapy which I'm still attending. I had some other stuff to go to counseling for. What my therapist advised me was that my ex had little insight into himself and little insight as to how his actions hurt me. He was pretty selfish. Another mentor always said to me that it was none of my business what other people think of me. That helped me a lot. It helped me focus on me and get self esteem from me and not what others thought of me.

 

Other people will let you down. You are your own best person. As Toni Morrison writes, "You your best thing, Sethe. You are." And then Sethe responds, "Me? Me?"

 

I don't know how much that will help you (not much if self esteem isn't an issue for you). Everyone is different but maybe there are some similarities here that you can gain from. I really hope things get better for you. You'll make it, you'll do better every day, you'll come out on the other side and be stronger for it. Take care of yourself! You deserve better than this guy. He shouldn't be talking bad about you like that.

 

Thank you so much for this wonderful advice! I have been crying all day from this. I know it may be by karma and what not but it still hurts. I thought this guy was happy with me but it seems like I was living a lie. Self esteem is a bit of an issue for me. Perhaps that may explain why I completely fell for this guy who was so sweet and did nothing but be a sweetheart to me. Mistakes were made on both sides, after all, a relationship is TWO people right?

I agree, he shouldn't be talking bad about me like this. Come on, I would think he would have the decency to have a bit more respect for the good times we once shared.

[Seachelle1]

Jenn,

 

I understand.

 

For me, I was having meltdowns because my dad died and I had to give up the life I loved to help take care of my mom. He knew the situation when he started dating me. I used him as a therapist and he used me for sex. He'd be passive aggressive to me and I'd just be plain messy, crying all the time and on the edge. It was incredibly unhealthy! He definitely needed to have someone to talk to after the breakup. So did I. Yet because all our friends were friends with him first (I've only recently moved back to the states, my life is in a stage of transition, it's not that I'm not a good friend) they stuck with him and listened to all the crap he had to say about me and dumped me. I was all alone and we had mutually hurt each other. Neither of us were very mature in how we handled everything but I was the one with the major fallout and life change.

 

Will your mutual friends stand by you when he talks bad about you? That's an important question to ask yourself. It's one I hadn't thought through when I kept opening up to mutual friends who AGREED that I'd been done badly by, that he'd been really mean, but would go and hang out with him and refuse to be kind to me because they had more connections with him. I've also blocked all the mutual friends we had because it became obvious they weren't really my friends, they were his friends.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yes, tough luck. I know it's my karma. However, I don't think it's a coincidence that a lot of other mutual friends have been acting strange. I hope he finds peace and learns to move on without so much anger and hate towards me.

 

Instead of moping about him being angry about behavior that you yourself admit was unacceptable, why not work on what you can do to prevent yourself from acting that way in the future? I mean, when you screw up you screw up and getting mad at someone discussing your screwups is kind of pointless. Don't play the victim -- learn from your mistakes.

 

He's saying negative things right now because the breakup is fresh and emotions are high. But the last card you should be playing right now is the "woe is me" card. If you acted like a douche, that's what can happen and right now, it's best for you to own it and not be so defensive or try to paint yourself as a victim. Learn from it and don't treat your next boyfriend like you treated this past one at times.

 

As for the mutual friends, just admit your faults and tell them that you regret acting in that way (assuming you do). You are more likely to get sympathy by owning your mistakes instead of spinning them and trying to play victim.

[steveT95]

I've only skimmed over the other posts but here's my views.

 

This is coming from a guy that talked bad of his ex rather publicly, so I see things from both points of view.

 

From what you have said in OP what he was saying wasn't bad, he was saying how he felt. Sometimes it really helps to talk bad about a person even if you still care and have feelings for them as part of moving on. It may be helping him get into a mindset of 'not looking back anymore.'

 

You say you thought he was happy. Obviously not, it is over. Why he held on for so long? He thought it could work, hoped you would change. I did the same thing in my relationship. If he didn't want to lose you and wanted things to work, why did he break up with you? He had to start putting himself first and take control of the situation.

 

A broken hearted person can't always be held responsible for their actions, and from the sounds of things he is broken hearted.

He is not at fault for trying to look to the future and move on, you should start doing that too.

 

Most break-ups have an anger stage. The arguments, the bitching, the name calling. My BU started relatively pleasantly but those feelings have to come out somehow. I made my ex hate me and I hated her. But she got over it and unfortunately I did too.

 

Just remember the emotions you are both feeling during these stages are very strong and raw. They will pass but for now it is just a matter of riding the rollercoaster and doing what is best for you.

 

Oh and NC, stick to NC from now on. If friends want to talk about him, tell them no. You shall heal quicker.

 

Good luck, sending good thoughts

[wheream_i]

Hi everyone,

two months ago my ex broke up with me because he said he felt like my punching bag. I admit I made mistakes and have things about me that need to change. I have had hope of getting back together with this guy, except after last night I see that me and him are on two totally different pages.

A mutual friend spoke to him and asked about me. He said a bunch of crap like "I know she's no good for me and she has hurt me a lot, i'm not looking back anymore." Then he went on saying he got his heart ripped out, was taken advantage of, and used. It seems like he is viewing the relationship very negatively when I know that things were not always bad.

I feel like my heart got ripped out after hearing about all of this too. I thought I made this guy happy and valued him when we were together.

What do I do? Is this smack talking supposed to mean something? Why is this guy talking about me like I was a monster?

 

 

Uhh, there's nothing bad about what he said about you. He's not looking back and you're no good for him? Is that really what you're crying about? He was just telling the truth. He said you treated him like you're punching bag and you admitted you made mistakes. Yes, when someone is treated unfairly in a relationship, they tend to look it at negatively.

 

You thought you valued him? He just told you that you didn't. Get over it. You weren't a good GF.

[jenn_64]

Uhh, there's nothing bad about what he said about you. He's not looking back and you're no good for him? Is that really what you're crying about? He was just telling the truth. He said you treated him like you're punching bag and you admitted you made mistakes. Yes, when someone is treated unfairly in a relationship, they tend to look it at negatively.

 

You thought you valued him? He just told you that you didn't. Get over it. You weren't a good GF.

 

I respect your opinion. I know my mistakes. However, two people are in a relationship, not just one. He made mistakes too and that's okay, no one is perfect.

[jenn_64]

Jenn,

 

I understand.

 

For me, I was having meltdowns because my dad died and I had to give up the life I loved to help take care of my mom. He knew the situation when he started dating me. I used him as a therapist and he used me for sex. He'd be passive aggressive to me and I'd just be plain messy, crying all the time and on the edge. It was incredibly unhealthy! He definitely needed to have someone to talk to after the breakup. So did I. Yet because all our friends were friends with him first (I've only recently moved back to the states, my life is in a stage of transition, it's not that I'm not a good friend) they stuck with him and listened to all the crap he had to say about me and dumped me. I was all alone and we had mutually hurt each other. Neither of us were very mature in how we handled everything but I was the one with the major fallout and life change.

 

Will your mutual friends stand by you when he talks bad about you? That's an important question to ask yourself. It's one I hadn't thought through when I kept opening up to mutual friends who AGREED that I'd been done badly by, that he'd been really mean, but would go and hang out with him and refuse to be kind to me because they had more connections with him. I've also blocked all the mutual friends we had because it became obvious they weren't really my friends, they were his friends.

 

Thanks for the advice. I too was going through hard times before we broke up. I did my best and yes I made mistakes. I am working on what needs to change about me. My ex also mentioned he will always care and love me but we're both really hurt at this point. Very true, we both need to heal from this experience.

[TaraMaiden]

Yes, tough luck. I know it's my karma. However, I don't think it's a coincidence that a lot of other mutual friends have been acting strange. I hope he finds peace and learns to move on without so much anger and hate towards me.

 

In that case, your best response is to maintain a dignified silence.

Sooner or later, someone is going to come to you, and even if it is to perpetuate gossip, they will ask you to verify his side of things....

 

"Hey, jenn....did you really.....?"

 

It will be up to you, there and then, to decide how to respond, but whatever you do, maintain your dignity, don't get over-emotional and emphasise that it takes two to tango.

 

Sadly, when people succumb to letting their emotions speak for them, they revert to child-ish behaviour.

He's like a little kid moaning about the next-door neighbour kid taking his marbles away..... emotionally, he's stomping his feet, and throwing a 'no fair!!' wobbly.....

 

I'm sorry it's hurting you - but while I understand your "defensiveness" on the issue, I think if you look at it from a distance there's truth on both sides....

 

I hope this passes soon....